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I don't need a fancy ring

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  February 27, 2014 08:24 AM

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Q: Hi Meredith,

My longtime boyfriend rocks. We're a great team and we have a loving, supportive, fulfilling relationship.

I would prefer to be married before we start a family (we're 27). I know he has something expensive in mind for his future proposal, but he doesn't make much money and I don't need a ring or anything extravagant. We could wake up tomorrow and simply declare ourselves engaged, and I would be thrilled -- just being with him is what makes me happy.

We've discussed all of this and agree that we're ready, but he still wants to propose the "right" way ... the way he says I deserve. He shouldn't have to do anything crazy just to pay for it, though, like change careers. He enjoys his work, and I am content with being the breadwinner -- and I know he wouldn't want me to propose to him.

I appreciate how much he cares and am super curious about this grand gesture, but I would love it if we could take the next step sooner rather than later. However, I also know it's not all about what I want. Is there anything I can do to help him overcome his own high standards/idealism? Or should I be patient and trust he has it figured out?

– In Love & Ready, Boston


A: Be patient about the time frame and the logistics of the proposal -- at least for now -- but talk to him about the cost. As we learned from J. Courtney Sullivan at a recent Love Letters event, the whole "two months' salary" ring thing is arbitrary. Tell him that you love the romance, but the expense? Not so much.

It'll be good practice to talk about his budget -- because you need to be comfortable discussing money issues, even when it zaps some of the romance from the relationship. You guys are partners. You can't pretend that he has some weird extra bank account that he uses to lavish you with gifts.

It's his proposal, but the gift part of it is for you. If you're going to spend your time looking at a fancy ring and resenting its price tag, let your boyfriend know. Talk about your priorities.

Readers? Should she let him spend money on this proposal? Should she ask him to drop some of the romance so they can speed up the process? What do you think of his high standards? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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