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Can I have sex with my ex?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  March 4, 2014 08:41 AM

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Q: I have been in a relationship for about seven months. Both of us are in our mid-20s. Our relationship is a lot of fun and I can see definite long-term possibilities for us. I'm not ready to proclaim that this is the one, but I am certainly headed in that direction.

Here is the situation. A little while before I met my current boyfriend, I dated a different guy. Our relationship only lasted about three months. We fought constantly and the relationship was rocky except for the sex. We had the absolute best sex and we had it a lot. It was the only time we didn't argue. We broke up because we both knew the relationship wasn't going to work. In the time after our break up, we would get together every so often, maybe once every month or two, and have sex. These encounters were mutual and each one of us would initiate them at different times.

My current relationship is headed to the exclusive stage. We have not had the official talk but I know he already is being exclusive. I have been getting serious and I fully want to be exclusive down the road. I also want to meet up with my ex for some more mind-blowing sex before "down the road" becomes now.

I love having sex with my current boyfriend. We have such a strong intimate connection. I don't believe the pure physicality of sex with my ex ruins that nor does it take away from the fact that I only want to date my current boyfriend. I'm reasonably certain that my current boyfriend would not want me meeting up with my ex just for sex even though we are not officially exclusive. I just don't see him taking it well. I am not the cheating type and I know I will give up my ex for my current guy.

How should I negotiate this situation?

– Question in Cambridge


A: You should negotiate this situation by not having sex with your ex. Sorry.

You haven't had an official talk with your current boyfriend about exclusivity, but it sounds like your commitment is implied. This wouldn't be a cheat, but it would be a violation. Based on what you've told us about your new relationship, it just doesn't seem like a risk worth taking. And I'm not convinced that the mind-blowing sex would feel as good now that you're emotionally connected to someone else.

"I know I will give up my ex for my current guy." That's your answer. If you want this relationship to evolve into something more, you have to start making a few sacrifices. Skipping sex with your ex seems like a good way to start.

Readers? Can she get away with having sex with this guy one more time? Should she want to? Are they exclusive, even if they haven't had the talk? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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