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Should I try to get her back?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  March 3, 2014 08:37 AM

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Q: I've been going out with this girl for the past two years and we've had our ups and downs. She also has a daughter I love very much. She broke up with me about a month ago because she couldn't be in a relationship that revolved around making ME happy and me not really do much for her. I actually agreed with her, and while it did hurt, it's true that I also just let her break up with me without putting up a fight.

At first the relationship was great, but as time went on I started to doubt whether this was the right thing. Yes, I felt happy with her, and I knew she loved me and respected me, and that was something I haven't had with other relationships. She has been the best thing that's ever happened to me, but that doubt in the back of my head never left. I used to be a hopeless romantic, and with her it was like that part of me just left. I felt like I had to do romantic things just to make her happy, but not because it truly came from my heart. Our arguments started getting worse and I sort of stopped caring about them. I tried breaking up with her but the thought of breaking her heart just killed me because I've never wanted to hurt her. She doesn't deserve it.

Everyone else tells me that we made a good couple and it's got me thinking. Am I just not in love with her? Am I afraid to commit to her? What if there's someone better for me out there? Now I'm sitting here wondering whether I should try to get her back. I know if I try to get her back, things have to change. I have to prove to her that I'm not going to just get up and leave anytime I want. I will have to move in with her, but I'm afraid if it doesn't work out, I will hurt her again more than I already have and I don't want that. I'd rather be in pain myself than make her shed one more tear because of me. Please help me shed some light because I can't for the life of me figure it out. Is this love?

– Confused Guy, NY


A: If you let this woman go after two years, you probably shouldn't be getting back together with her. You're asking whether there's someone better for you out there. With that question running through your head, you can't fully commit to this relationship.

It does sound like you miss her and that you have some legit feelings, but you don't sound thrilled about doing the work to make her happy. You can't do this halfway, and she deserves so much more than a last-ditch effort.

Give this breakup more time and see how you feel. My guess is that in a few more weeks, you'll stop asking these what-if questions and get used to being on your own.

Readers? Should he have let her go? Does he really miss her? What happened here? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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