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We're still casually dating

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  March 24, 2014 08:42 AM

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Q: Hi Meredith!

I have been dating someone quite casually for the past four and a half months. And by casually I mean we see each other about once a week, fooling around is limited, but I still feel as though we have a connection so I feel like I am holding on for thing things to pick up. We met on Match.com. He is a divorcee and I assumed the slow pace was due to him being in a serious commitment for a long time and not wanting to rush into things. I get that, and I myself am not looking to skip down the aisle anytime soon.

Anyway, I took down my Match profile because my membership was up, only to find out through friends that he was on other online dating sites -- OkCupid, Hinge, Tinder, just to name a few. Has online dating just prompted people to continuously look for something better? As we haven't had the exclusivity talk, I know I should be out dating others, but I find it hard to connect with a stranger and start the "getting to know you" process all over again. I should probably just take the hint that the casualness of it all is to keep me at a distance.

Am I just writing my own advice and looking for validation from you and complete strangers?

– Keepin' it Casual in Quincy


A: You did answer your own question, but that's OK. You know that this relationship has lost its momentum, if it ever had any. We'll validate that.

To break it down, it's not so bad that he's still on the dating sites. You haven't had the talk, and sometimes it takes people a while to get out of the habit of looking. What's troubling is that you haven't made much progress in four months. You're still having weekly visits. You're still barely fooling around. And you're clearly not talking about why.

Dating sites do allow people to keep searching for something better, but I believe that when someone finds a good partner, they eventually stop the scrolling and messaging, just like they would in real life. In your case, there's something missing. Even if you're moving slowly, you should feel like you're growing closer.

Readers? Does this have to end? Thoughts about the online dating issues? Help.


– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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