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Love Letters

Getting over a married man

We chat at 1.


Q:

I need some help with a problem that will not be very popular with your readers.

Two years ago I had an affair with a married man who works in the same neighborhood as I do (not a coworker). I am also married and we both agreed that it would be a casual-sex-only relationship. It lasted for about 6 months before he decided to break it off with me because he was "trying to be good."

I let him go and respected his decision. It was painful to be dumped but I figured there was not much to be done to save what we had and I don't begrudge him trying to be a better person and keep his family together.

The problem is that we've been over for a year and a half and I still can't seem to shake it. I can't get over this guy. I think about him constantly. We bump into each other a few times a week and barely exchange words but I've never wanted anything more in my life than a half hour alone with this guy.

I need advice on how to move on with my life. I didn't tell a soul about my affair and don't have anyone I can talk to about it. Keeping myself distracted hasn't worked so far and I'm sick of pining over a person who I can never have. Any advice would be helpful.

– Wanting What I Can't Have, Cambridge

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A: It's therapy time -- mainly because you're focused on the wrong thing. You're obsessing over this man but you should be thinking about what led you to him in the first place. Something went wrong in your own world. You need to figure out what's missing at home so that you can move on.

Also know that you're in charge when it comes to the pining. If you find yourself daydreaming about him, call a friend or turn on the TV. If you bump into him and it ruins your mood, make a plan for the weekend. You do have the power to change the channel in your brain. It doesn't seem that way, but it's true.

Readers? Should she tell people what happened? Why is she stuck on him? Thoughts about getting over it? Discuss.

– Meredith