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Love Letters

Getting over it

This person was in chat last week and we asked her to write a full letter, so she did.

I imagine that she might return this week to discuss. We chat at 1.


Q:

Last summer after two years on and off together, my boyfriend and I called it quits. We met when he was 25 and I was 27. At the time we broke up,†he just felt he wasn't ready and wondered what else was out there. He was completely confused.†

I felt we fit well together. We were always laughing together and had they typical couple fights, but nothing extreme.

After the breakup, we had minimal contact -- just a text on a holiday. I dated others and also spent some time being single and hanging out with the girls. Well, one of those girls nights out happened to be at a bar where my ex was hanging out. My friends and I ended up hanging out with his group for the night. After seeing each other, my ex called me and told me how great I looked and how he missed me but also realized that he didn't want to go back to what we had. (Yet he still wanted to come over my place and see me. I did not let him and made it clear that wasn't going to work with us.)

I signed myself up for online dating. I ended up meeting a great guy and we were dating for about two months. He was great, but I started to panic because something in my gut told me it wasn't right. I still had feelings for my ex.

A few days after my realization, just last week, I found out through social media that my ex is seeing a new girl. Based on what friends have told me, she is the opposite of me. They have been seeing each other now for about two months, and he tells me it's exciting to meet someone new and different. I told him how I feel about him and he said he understood, but he's happy right now and appreciates my trying to be happy for him as well. He then told me that we can't be friends, but if that changes he will reach out to me. He asked me not to contact him anymore and I agreed.†

I am working through it and trying to move on, but†my gut still says that it will work out someday. I know only time will tell and one way or another I'll move on.†But it's incredibly hard and we live in the same neighborhood (unfortunately) so I see him out a lot. We've blocked each other on all social media outlets, and†I've†deleted his contact†information†from my phone.†

At this point,†I guess I'm really looking for some help on how to move on from someone I still love, when being single and dating just seems to make me want and miss him more. Is it wrong that my heart still says it will work out? Does that ever happen for people? How do I let him go?

– Hopeless, Boston

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A: You have to ignore your gut (counterintuitive, I know). Your gut is telling you what you want to hear -- that in a year or so, you guys will have some big, romantic reunion. That's possible, but you're more likely to find happiness with someone else. You have to keep looking for new faces.

It'll help if you see your ex for what he is. You seem to be romanticizing what you had and exaggerating the positives. Your letter paints a portrait of a guy who wants to date other people and experience the world without you. And he always does what's best for him. After seeing you out, he wanted to come over -- without the commitment. After meeting someone else, he decided that you could no longer be friends and that he'd let you know if he changes his mind.

You're allowed to be angry about that. And you can use this opportunity to expand your social scene. It's great that you blocked each other on social media, but how about finding a new bar? You don't have to rework your whole world on his behalf, but you can find some new scenery for your own sanity.

If you can stop yourself from inflating your ex's positives, you will start to feel better.

Readers? Will this work out? How can she let this go?

– Meredith