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Love Letters

She didn't feel loved


Q: Meredith,

I've been dating a girl off and on for the past 5 years who I cannot get out of my mind. I've dated other girls before, but none of them compare to this girl. She's sweet and when things are good, it feels like bliss on my end.

Unfortunately, she has dumped me about a dozen times because she says I don't make her feel loved. She says that she never feels good enough around me and she doesn't believe me when I tell her that I love her.

The truth of the matter is that I actually love her more than anything. If anything, I feel inadequate because it seems nothing I do or say ever makes her know how deeply I feel for her.

I suspect that the reason for this was because I was on a prescription drug during the first four years of our on-and-off again relationship and it often made me irritable and unemotional on a chemical level, which she misinterpreted as a lack of love for her. But nothing could be further from the truth.

Now I'm off the drug for good and she acknowledges the change in my personality. However, she still is unwilling to open up to me and says that she hates who she is when she's with me and that she no longer can see herself with me.

I can't help but feel like this girl is special and that our relationship has been ruined due to misunderstandings. I want to get her back and show her how much I love her. I want to make her feel special and know what kind of happiness she brought me.

Is there any hope?

– Recovering But Hurt, NY

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A: She's had a whole year to get to know you off the drug, and at the end of it all, she still feels unloved, and you feel unworthy. You say that she brought you happiness during your relationship, but all of this sounds pretty miserable to me.

Instead of spending your time trying to figure out how to please her, think about how you can be good to yourself. Is it healthy to be with someone who hates who she is when she's with you? If that's how she feels, why would you want her around?

You need to learn to feel adequate on your own. It's time to regroup and to let go.

Readers? Should the letter writer want her back? Is there hope? What about the drug? Help.


– Meredith