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Love Letters

Should I reach out to my ex again?


Q:

Dear Meredith:

I am still completely in love with my ex who lives overseas.†It has been two years since we talked.†Six months ago when I was traveling in the area, I wrote to him asking him to meet up.†He saw my message but never responded.†It broke my heart, but I haven't tried writing again.

Two years ago, our whole relationship ended suddenly over a terrible miscommunication.†He was traveling, and I was 3,000 miles away and still in school. Although we were experts at finding time to talk, this particular week was busy, and he went an entire week without contacting me. I was younger, more insecure, and used to his reliability. Without any explanations, I was worried that he was angry with me. At the end of the week, he emailed me a time to talk. When he wasn't online, I started thinking the whole week was some sort of game he was playing. I worried that he was taking advantage of my time and attention and wrote him asking him to not call me at all. †

A few days later, he wrote me a very nasty letter saying that I betrayed him by breaking up with him so suddenly. Surprised, I wrote back saying that I simply needed some space to think. I was tired of waiting for him to contact me, and I was worried he was angry with me. I asked him not to call for a few days so that I wouldn't spend the entire day on edge, waiting for some explanation from him. By no means did I intend on breaking up with him. †

Unfortunately, that's the last I ever heard from him. We were so in love. I'm still wondering if I should have taken more of the blame. I'm still very much convinced that if he were just to look me in the face and realize what a big misunderstanding all of this was, we would be together forever. He was everything I ever wanted.†What should I do? Write him and tell him that I love him still? Take the blame for the entire situation? Try to forget about him and continue on with my life? †

– Pining for my soul mate

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A: No more soul mate talk. If this guy was your soul mate, he'd be with you. At this point, he's just an ex who lives far away. He's not your destiny.

You learned a lot from this breakup. You now know that there's no reason to jump to conclusions about your partner's intentions, and that prolonged distance can ruin a relationship. You learned that you have to be clear about why you're upset and that you shouldn't ask for space unless you really want it.

Take those lessons to your next relationship, because that's what you need -- a new experience. It's easy to inflate your ex's qualities because he's not around. You can focus on the good without admitting that there were problems while you were together. After two years, it's possible that if you looked him in the face, you wouldn't want him anymore.

Rethink his importance and tell the people in your life that youíre looking to date. It's time to try.

Readers? Should she reach out again? Is he her soul mate? What happened here?

– Meredith