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Love Letters

Should I wait until his child grows up?


Q:

I have a good life for most part. I work at a place I love, I have a beautiful teenage son, and my family is great. I love my parents and siblings and I have wonderful friends.

My personal life is not so great. I had an arranged marriage at an early age and it was more for convenience than love. I strayed from that marriage and fell in love with a man who went on to marry another person. I had gotten pregnant with my husband's child while the boyfriend and I were on a break, and by the time he came back to me, I couldn't leave as I was already pregnant. We did keep in touch and over the years, his marriage fell apart, and so did mine. He got divorced and I moved out of my husband's place to be with him. Things were magical. But then my son started growing up and I became less accessible to my boyfriend. Over time, we drifted apart emotionally, and I caught him on dating sites looking. His stance was that I was not there for him and he felt lonely. I made the tough decision to let him go as I had to choose between him and my son, and for that moment, my son needed me more and my happiness was not as important.

Then I met a man online who was unhappily married (his words) with a child. He promises to leave his wife once his child goes to college, but some days he makes statements that perhaps his son might want him to stay with the mother and that he might stay to respect the son's wishes. I see pictures of them in social gatherings and they seem lovey dovey and the guy's stance is that he is doing that to please his son.

My predicament is: Do I stay with this man and hope that he will one day leave his wife for me? He tells me that he loves me and that his marriage is over. I love him too but I don't want to spend my whole life waiting for him only to be told 15 years down the road that he cannot leave his wife for me cause his son asked him to be with his wife. He won't guarantee me a future which I want. I feel I am owed a guarantee for waiting for him for 15+years (his child is 6 years old).

– Waiting, Boston

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A: Don't stay with this man, no matter what he promises you. You of all people know that when you have a kid, your priorities change. This guy has no idea what he'll be able to give you as his child grows up. Even if he divorces, there are no guarantees here.

You should also bail because he's cheating on his wife. How can you trust anything he says? He might claim that the marriage is over, but it's very much not. They're not separated. There are no lawyers working out the terms of their divorce. They are together and, if you believe him, acting "lovey dovey" to please a 6-year-old.

Look for someone who can give you what you want right now. Find a person who isn't lying or committed to someone else. Limit your dating pool to people who are actually single.

Readers? Should she wait? What if this guy gives her a 15-year guarantee? How are her past experiences influencing her decisions?


– Meredith