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Love Letters

Does He Really Want to Move In With Me?


Q:

My boyfriend of over a year (we're in our late 20s) and I had agreed that we would move in when his lease was up in the fall. Last week my roommate told me she was moving out in a month. I saw this is an opportunity for us to think about living together just a bit sooner, but he told me he couldn't break his lease.

Now I am in the position of having to find a roommate for a short period of time, which has proven to be difficult. I want him to at least look into what would be involved in breaking his lease but he doesn't see a point. I'm very hurt and I'm having a hard time talking to him about any of this because it seems like he can't be bothered to talk to his leasing agency. It's making me doubt our entire relationship that he'd rather inconvenience me than himself and that he may not want to live with me at all. In addition, every person I tell asks me why he isn't just moving in and I have to tell them and then they think he's a jerk. And talking about it just makes me feel awful again.

This was a relationship that I thought was heading toward marriage but now I'm not so sure. How do I get over the fact that he didn't really try to look into things? Or is this worth saving?

– Roommate Wanted, Washington D.C.

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A: It's possible that he just doesn't want to deal with the leasing agency (annoying). Itís also possible that he's not good at making quick changes to a plan, and that he was looking forward to three months of preparation for the move-in (understandable). Or perhaps he secretly doesn't want to do any of this (bad).

You didn't tell us about the relationship -- why you want him to move in and why you think you're ready. There's a lot of missing information here, and maybe it's missing for you too.

My advice is to write a few paragraphs (for yourself) about what led you and your boyfriend to decide to move in together. After you write those paragraphs, read them slowly. Maybe twice. Do they get you excited about the move-in? Do they explain your boyfriend's hesitation about starting early? Was this decision about love or convenience?

If it was about love and other good things, spend the summer figuring out whether you're still on the same page. Your roommate should be helping you find a replacement. There are always people looking for a summer sublet. By August your boyfriend will either be revving up to join you -- or not.

Readers? Whatís happening here? Is he being a jerk? Should they be moving in? What should the LW do?

– Meredith