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Love Letters

Love Letters: He's Distancing Himself From Me

I'm thinking about running some updates. If you're a former letter writer, please use your original email address (or tell me what it was) and send an update to meregoldstein at gmail dot com. Write UPDATE in the subject line. Tell us how you're doing.


Q:

Hey Meredith
 
I met this guy at a wedding two months ago. We had instant chemistry. We spent an entire day together before he left. He lives in another state, but we stayed in touch every day via texts and phone calls. After talking for a month, we decided to meet up again in another city. During this date, I told him about my past long-term relationship. We also discovered that he is a couple of years younger than I am. This is not a deal-breaker for me.

After this second date, I felt like he started distancing himself from me. I tried talking to him about it and he said that he has just been very busy. I know he is not lying. A few weeks later, he came to visit me. This was our third date. During this visit he said that he thought we moved too fast during the first two dates and now he wants to take this slow (physically) and wants to get to know me better. In terms of communication, things have never been the same as they were during the first few weeks. I expected things to get more intimate with time. I expected heart-to-heart late-night conversations about love and life. But nothing of that sort is happening. He used to compliment me and send flirty text messages, but not any more. Now the texts messages are about work.

He says he wants to get to know me but I don't hear from him as much. I am very confused. I have told him once or twice that I miss talking to him. I also told him that I like him, to which he said that he thinks I am a "nice" girl and that he wants to get to know me better. How will he get to know me if he is unable or not willing to invest time? Once he also told me that I should play hard to get. Because of that, I just wait for him to reach out and make myself available when he has time.

My work schedule is as busy as his if not more. But I am willing to find time and make an effort. He is 29 and I am 32. He knows that I am not in this to play games. I know two months is a very short time for me to expect him to commit. I am not asking him to make any commitments, but this hot and cold attitude is causing me a lot of stress. Also, we belong to the same "church." We are expected to find a mate within the same religious community, which is not easy as this limits our options. If he is not into me, I think he should let me know, don't you think?

– Can't Figure Him Out

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A: "Once he also told me that I should play hard to get."

Ugh. Let's be done with this man. If he instructed you to play hard to get, he wants to play games.

It sounds like you're trying to force this to work because of your limited options. But it's better to be single and looking than to put up with a guy who's making you feel awful two months into the relationship. Shared religion isn't enough to cancel out the problems.

It's possible that he doesn't have the courage to tell you that he's not into you. It's also possible that he won't tell you how he feels because wants to keep you around, just in case.

Cut it off -- on your terms. Slow is OK, but cold just doesn't work.

Readers? Should she give this more time? Is she expecting too much, too soon? What should she do?

– Meredith