Share

Love Letters

Love Letters: Missing Sex and Romance


Q:

Hi Meredith,

I recently (about 5 months ago) started dating Mark, who is absolutely everything I've wanted in a guy. A little backstory: I got out of an abusive relationship in December 2012, and vowed to be single for an entire year to gain back strength, rediscover my identity, and evaluate what I want in a partner. In January 2014 I decided I was ready to date. A few days after that decision, Mark appeared.

Mark always makes me laugh and he's very sweet. He's generous and truly has a heart of gold. Our problem is intimacy. He's a very simple and happy guy. He always sees the glass half full. I need that and appreciate him. But I truly feel like we lack passion. We never really have late-night heart to hearts, and after a couple weeks of him "courting" me, the long texts about how he feels and the compliments have disappeared. We frequently bicker over sleeping together because, to be completely honest, I want it more often than he does. On top of that, sometimes (definitely not always) the bedroom's a little dull. Sometimes I feel like it's more of a friendship than a relationship, although I know that he adores me so much, and even after this short time I could not picture myself happier and more loyal to any other guy. If I question the lack of "mushy talk," he'll say "I just don't like girls who fish for compliments. I'm with you because I want to be with you. I stay because you're confident, amazing, and it's better we focus on having good times than talking about having good times." 

I guess I'm wondering how to make a guy want to be romantic or more passionate. Overall, the relationship is so healthy and I really don't have many complaints other than this. I would do anything to make him happy and I feel so much passion and lust for him. I do everything in my power not to be a nagging girlfriend and I do not harp on this issue with him too much. But sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not desirable and it gives me a strange insecurity (especially when dealing with the bedroom). I feel silly and selfish even writing this, but I do believe that romance is a pretty big ingredient in a relationship. Should I just accept him for what he is or is this something worth working on as a couple? I would love your feedback!

– Hopeless Romantic, Boston

Continue Reading Below



A: Something tells me that you wouldn't be stressed about the missing mushy talk if your sex life was in better shape. You want to be with someone who wants you. You want to have "good times" in the bedroom.

Instead of complaining about the lack of romance, lead by example. Give him a compliment. Tell him about the lust. Sometimes talking about lust leads to lusty things. Telling him you're in the mood is better than asking, "Why aren't you in the mood?"

Try this direct approach for a few months and then evaluate. After only five months, some of this is just about getting to know him. Passion is a fluid thing, and your sex life will always be changing. But you shouldn't feel like you're dating a friend. If it feels more and more platonic, it's not a match.

Readers? How can she make this better without turning him off? How important is the mushy talk? Should she be concerned about the sex issues? What about the influence of her last relationship?

– Meredith