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Love Letters

Women Disappear After Conversations and Dates

It's chat day. At 1.


Q:

I've run into the same problem for a long time now, especially since the introduction of dating sites like POF (PlentyOfFish) and Tinder. Why do girls find it easier to drop communication and ignore someone instead of telling a guy she is no longer interested or that something in her life has changed (new boyfriend, job, etc.)? What's the trick to just taking the hint, swallowing your pride, and moving on without receiving an explanation?

This seems to happen regardless of whether there's been a simple online conversation or a few seemingly great dates. I am a pretty straight-forward guy when it comes to dating and liking a girl. I don't play games and if I'm interested, I'll let you know. If I am not, I will be honest in a respectful manner. I want the same respect in return. Nine times out of 10, I am intelligent enough to know when I should "take the hint," but more often than not the "hint" is shown by sudden silence. I am not overbearing in my attempts to reach out, but at that point, it's almost as if any attempt is one too many and I turn them off completely.

It's hard to tell whether there is something about the way I interact that causes the disappearing act or if there's something in female DNA that tells them it's just easier this way. 

At the end of the day, it is much easier to be told they're no longer interested, for whatever reason, and move on. 

Thanks for the advice.

– They fall off the planet, Hampstead, N.H.

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A: Let's not blame this on "female DNA." Readers will tell you that this is not a gender-specific problem, and that many people believe that disappearing is the kind thing to do.

I have to believe that some people choose to disappear because of the tone of these online dating sites. Tinder, for instance, moves quickly, and doesn't always draw people who practice courtesy. It can be about moving on to the next option and not looking back. Perhaps some of these sites encourage speed and quantity more than manners.

If you're going to remain on these sites, all you can do is continue to be the guy who communicates. Do your best to deal with the silence and ask questions when you're confused.

And if you're really worried that you're doing something wrong and causing these disappearing acts, ask a friend to look through some of your messages. It's always good to get a second opinion.

Readers? Is this about the tone of these sites or do people just disappear these days? Do you prefer a disappearing act or a more formal rejection? For those who disappear, why do you do it? Should he stay away from online dating?

– Meredith