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Love Letters

Love Letters: Love And Money

We do have our submit form back, but it's still easiest to send letters directly to meregoldstein@gmail.com or loveletters@boston.com.


Q:

Dear LL,

I am a 31-year-old woman and haven't been in a relationship in two years. I started a Match.com account recently and met a man who is attractive and financially successful.

There is just one problem; he doesn't seem to have a lot of time to date. He has a busy social schedule and on his off-days he is on call. We went on one date and then spoke/texted very often for another month. On our second date he told me what he is looking for. He had previously been married to a woman who turned out couldn't have children (they didn't know until they tried). Now he is saying that he sees himself with a woman in a year from now and trying to have children at that point.

He wants to try to have children prior to marriage to make sure that she is able to get pregnant. He also plans to move away from the city to raise children in a city down south. He wants a woman who is also ambitious and financially successful like he is. I currently have a job that is in the six-figure range, but I am not sure that I could make the same amount if I moved. I had always planned on staying home for several years with my kids when they are little, but he is stating that he wants a wife who will return to work and is interested in increasing her salary as much as he is.

I am not sure if I am ready for children in one year. Although many of my friends are married with children at my age. I know that physically I should at least be planning for it in the near future either way, so maybe one year isn't the worst idea?

My last relationship was long-distance. I also grew up in a home where my father was successful but traveled extensively for work. Now this man always seems to be too busy to schedule dates. We are averaging one date a month at this point. 

Are there any men out there that are financially successful and have time for their partner in a relationship? Or am I just accepting relationships where I am not the priority because that is what I saw growing up?

Is being attracted to someone for their finances, intelligence, and physical appearance enough? I don't want to come off as shallow. I don't take huge expensive vacations. I don't own a car. I do however have student loans that are more than $100k and I know that it will take income to pay them off while trying to afford a house and children.

– Love and Money, Boston

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A: From what you've told us, this guy wants a fertility guarantee before he gets married, a wife who will be around for the kids while being a star at work, and to live with this perfect, fertile robot wife in the location of his choosing. He's already made the decisions. There's no working together when you're in a relationship with this man.

Please drop this guy and try to date some people who are capable of showing up more than once a month. Have a good time with them. Get to know them and think about whether you'd like to know them in the future.

You can't choose a partner based on your student loan debt. You also can't assume that a guy who makes a big salary will always have the same job. Life is unpredictable, so you might as well find someone who's a great companion. You should be looking for someone who respects your opinion and wants to plan with you, not before you get there.

Readers? What do we think of this guy? Is it shallow for the letter writer to consider salary?

– Meredith