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Love Letters

Love Letters: She Made a Sex Tape

I forgot to run this letter last week because of the holiday, etc. And then I saw that "Sex Tape" movie on Wednesday and remembered. And now you have it.

And you can all say it with me: Remember to include your hometowns with letters, which can be sent to meregoldstein@gmail.com.


Q:

Dear Meredith,

I have been dating my fiancée for several years and we have been engaged for more than a year. We are set to get married in the very near future. By very near future I mean things are paid for and family has made all necessary travel arrangements. All things are a go.

The dilemma is as follows. Recently, a friend of mine came across a video featuring my fiancée. The video is pornographic. I am not a stranger to porn so I can say that the video itself is quite normal as far as porn goes except it features my fiancée. For what it’s worth, I saw enough of it to have it disturb me but I did not sit and watch it from beginning to end.
     
I broached the subject with her and she confirms she made the video 10 years ago when she was 21 and before we even met. She explained that it was in fact an amateur porn production and she was paid a generous sum of money to make the video. She also explained that it was a one-time thing and that she was deeply embarrassed after it was made and felt ashamed. She never told anyone and hoped it was obscure enough that no one would ever find it. She simply did it for the money without any real forethought as to what might happen down the road.

I love my fiancée very much and deep down I can understand what happened. I know that it happened way before we met, and I know she would use her one life do-over to take this back if such a thing existed. I know in time I will get over this but right now I am in a state of shock. I am not happy at all that this video exists and it troubles me for so many reasons, mainly that she never told me it existed and I had to find out from my friend. I would have had such an easier time accepting this if the information came from her and not through a friend who made the discovery. 

With the whirlwind of our ensuing wedding and me trying to process this, I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to call off the wedding but I’m not exactly as excited for the wedding as I was before the discovery of my fiancée's porno vid.  Postponing the wedding is basically off the table because of what is already invested in it. Besides, I still want to marry her. Please give me advice. I really just want to be comfortable with this but don't know how to do it in time for the wedding.

– Doc Brown's Delorean

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A: "Besides, I still want to marry her."

The end. Marry her. Love her. You will get over it, and really, this is more about you caring about your friend's impression of your soon-to-be wife than it is about you feeling weird about her past. Maybe she should have told you, but ... she managed to go 10 years without anyone bringing this up. She probably thought the video had gone away, and frankly, no one in her life is entitled to the information.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have weird feelings about this. It's upsetting and awkward and yes, it would be nice to have a time machine for this one. But marriage involves being able to bounce back. Sometimes it means loving someone even though you're uncomfortable. You can work through this because you love her, and really, nothing has changed.

Ask your friend to keep the video stuff to himself, and then get ready to walk down the aisle with your partner. Show her you can get through anything together.

Readers? Should he reconsider this wedding? Is he upset that she didn't tell him or is he worried about what his friend thinks?

– Meredith