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Love Letters

Love Letters: We Have Sex Once a Month

We're going to skip chat today for the holiday. But you'll get some nice July 4 updates later this week.

And another reminder: When you send your letter to meregoldstein at gmail dot com, make sure you tell me where you're from.


Q:

Hi Meredith,

My wife and I are in our late 30s, have been married for 10 years, and have three young kids. We rarely have sex. I work while my wife is home with the kids. She is very busy and very tired, but we have sex once maybe twice a month at best. And that is usually only after a night out with dinner and drinks. This has been going on for years now and it only seems to be getting worse. I have explained that it is important to me for many different reasons, but nothing has changed.

She says that I need to be more affectionate and I have made a concerted effort to do that, but nothing has changed. She says she is very tired at the end of the day with kids, and I completely understand that, yet she still plays tennis at night and/or goes out with friends occasionally during the week. I'm growing very frustrated as I very much want to have more sex with my wife, but there seems to be very little interest from my partner. It's depressing me very much. If you have any suggestions or advice I would to hear them.

– Troubled Love Life At Home

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A: Try to show affection without expectation. Cuddle and have a long kiss good night, and then roll over and pass out. Make it clear that you're not just being romantic for sex. The affection might not feel so great if she knows it's your way of saying, "I'm being sweet to you so that we can have intercourse."

Also try initiating during a different time of day. You said that she's tired at at night, but what about the next morning? Or a weekend afternoon? She might be more into this after she's had some sleep. Summer naps, my friend. Take some as a couple.

It's pretty awesome that after a decade, you still want to have sex with your wife (as opposed to other people). You love her and want more of her. Make sure you're making that clear.

And know that these things change. When you have young kids, it's hard to focus on anything besides getting through the day. Many couples go from monthly to weekly (or daily) the minute their children stop needing help getting to bed.

Readers? Anything he can do? How can he make it clear that this is important? Any stories to share that relate?

– Meredith