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Love Letters

Love Letters: Why Am I Not In Love With Her?

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Q:

Hi Meredith,

For the past seven years I have had a best friend with benefits. We met and dated briefly in college, but we broke up after I transferred to another school. However, we kept in touch and ended up becoming good friends. Although I live in a different state, we usually talk for a few hours a week and have spent a few vacations and holidays together. My friends and family love her. She is beautiful, sweet, supportive, and funny, and I am closer to her than anyone else. But for some reason, I have never felt  "in love" with her. I have told her that I don't want a relationship with her, but then as soon as I see her I want to sleep with her again. She recently got fed up with my not wanting a relationship, and we haven't spoken since.

I know I want to settle down at some point, but I just don't feel like she is the one. I have had a few short-term girlfriends, but none that come close to my relationship with her. I'm not sure why I feel like something is missing. Any thoughts on this?

– Help, Washington D.C.

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A: It's possible that you think something's missing because she isn't new. You've been with her for seven years and you know each other well. Maybe you're looking for mystery.

It's also possible that you're just not in love with her. You want sex and companionship from her, but that doesn’t mean you want to build a life with her.

It sounds like it's best for you to stay away. Even with her gone, your gut is telling you that she's not the one. Be kind and let her figure out what life is like without you. And give yourself the opportunity to date without comparing everyone to a partner of seven years.

Trust me, I want you to realize that you're in love with her and then run to her house like you're in a movie with Beyonce’s "Halo" playing in the background, but but all I see is this sentence: "I know I want to settle down at some point, but I just don't feel like she is the one."

Leave her alone and learn to be on your own. It's time.

Readers? Should the letter writer let her go? Are they in love? What’s missing? Will there be a change of heart here?

– Meredith