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Love Letters

Love Letters: Changed My Mind About Marriage


We're short on letters, which could mean that the form isn't working. Send lots of letters to meregoldstein@gmail.com. And -- I want to run some updates soon. Former letter writers: Send me an update from your original email address (or tell me what the address was) and let us know how you're doing.

And now a letter from a commenter.


Q:

Hello Miss Meredith,

Longtime reader and sometimes snarky commenter.

I never saw myself getting married nor have I ever had a desire to until six months ago. I've been with my partner for three years, and I moved into his house a few months after we started dating (I'm 33 and he's 31). I absolutely love our relationship; we get along very well, have the same interests, and have great communication (however I do wish he was kinkier in the bedroom). Plus, we're both in geeky industries that we love and excel in (engineer; scientist), so we can appreciate one another's quirks and uniqueness.

When we first started dating I was very clear about my position on marriage, being career-focused, and not wanting children -- all of which he was fine with. We never brought up any of the aforementioned subject matters, with the exception of marriage, once -- when his friend got engaged a year into our relationship. I made a comment that he took as me hinting that I wanted to get engaged. He sternly said, "If your implying marriage, I have never even thought about marrying you." I laughed. I laughed hard. The comment did make me wince, but I completely understood where he was coming from since we're both analytically minded, and both have been in previous long-term relationships that ended badly.

I love him so much that I now want to marry him. I never thought I would want a piece of paper to declare such a proclamation, but now I do. And I simply don't know how to inform him of my feelings since 1) I have been so adamant about being an independent, successful woman and anti-marriage, and 2) his comment. I don't want to push him away or lose him, which I have a fear may happen. (Very well could be me over analyzing the situation.)

How many vodka sodas do you think I should give him to tell him? A bottle's worth?

Much thanks,

– Mawiage is what bwings us togefer

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A: Save the vodka sodas for after the talk. And think about how to best explain your change of heart to a guy who likes facts and reason.

Your boyfriend needs to know how marriage would alter the relationship. He'll want to understand what prompted you to change your mind. Think about how his brain works and how you'd want to present this to a scientist.

It's possible that you haven't answered some of the big questions for yourself just yet. It sounds like this change of heart is more about a gut feeling than a calculated plan. If that's the case, spend some time thinking about what you hope to get out of a change in relationship status. Is it that you want to pledge your love in front of friends and family? Is it that you fear that he's not as committed as you'd like him to be and hope that this would give you some assurance?

Sometimes it helps to write this stuff down. Try to outline your feelings and reasons on paper so that you're ready to explain yourself with confidence. You told us that you want marriage, but you didn't really tell us why.

Readers? Is it bad that she's changing her mind? How should she tell him? What is this about?

– Meredith