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Love Letters

Love Letters: He Has Many, Many Facebook Friends



Q:

I am a mid-20s gay male living in Los Angeles and have been casually dating a mid-30s guy I met online for the past two months. We have spent a lot of time together and have already gone on a weekend road trip. We text throughout the day and enjoy being around each other. Since we first met, we generally get together two to three times a week. It has been great so far, however I am starting to have reservations about taking it more seriously than it already is, mainly due to trust issues I have because of my last relationship.

Since we are not exclusive, I don't feel like I have a right to bring any of this up to him, but I feel as though what I have found on his social media may speak to his character and how he may continue to act if we ever were in a serious relationship. He has more than 1,300 Facebook friends, the majority of whom are gay men (and many of whom he has never met in real life and are "online friends"). It seems like every day he becomes friends with a new gay man and I just don't understand it. Mind you, he is almost 35. I just don't think that someone that age should really be all that concerned with having a pack of men on their friend list. I want to be able to trust him, but his apparent need for attention from gay men online worries me and I don't know how to bring it up or if I even have a right to. Any conversation regarding social media immediately makes me feel like an obsessive crazy cyber stalker. Are my worries valid? Is it normal to have online friends? Am I really the bizarre one? 

Another thing that bothers me is his need to be submerged in gay life and parties. It's not that bad really, but since we started dating he has travelled to other states to attend two different gay festivals. I get it -- they can be fun and it's not necessarily a bad thing. But to seek them out and travel specifically to attend them makes me question his priorities. If you've ever been to a gay pride festival, it's basically herds of gay men checking each other out, exchanging numbers, and hooking up. That has been my experience, but I could be wrong. 

My dilemma is determining whether I should take the next steps and pursue a more serious relationship with this person or back away slowly and accept that I should trust my hesitations. I don't want to be with someone who needs attention from other guys. I want to be the one and only and I want to make my man happy on my own. I think he is insecure for some reason and that may be where all of this is coming from, but I know insecurities ruin relationships and I want to save myself if I can. How do I go about having this conversation without sounding like a needy psycho? Do you think he can change? Also, it's important to note I don't know if I am even ready to be his boyfriend. But I find myself holding back and not opening up because I have these thoughts running around in my head that I want to release and get off my chest before I can move any further. 

Please help.

– Paranoid Cyber Stalker

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A: Sounds like he's behaving like a single guy on the prowl -- because he is, in fact, still single. Who knows how he'd behave if he fell in love? It's too early to judge his behavior.

But at two months, it is acceptable to ask this guy what he might be looking for. You don't have to tell him that you've counted his Facebook friends, but you can say that you're on the cusp of becoming more interested and that you're having trouble figuring out whether he's looking for a partner. That's not psycho talk. There's a difference between "Where is this going?" and "Where could this go?"

Also consider how you feel when you're with him in the moment. Is he paying attention to you? Is he checking his phone because he's worried about his cyber friends? Does he talk about them? If he's distracted when he's in your company, this isn't worth pursuing. When you're in the same room, you should feel like you're the center of attention.

Readers? Is this paranoia? Does this guy have a Facebook problem? Is it too early to ask what's up? Are Pride parades always as he describes? Because my friends and I spent this past Boston Pride eating rainbow cupcakes at a bar, and then went to see "Maleficent."

– Meredith