Q: Hi Meredith,

For 8 months I dated a man in the military. Due to his job, he was away more often than not, but every time he came back, I was the one he wanted to be with.

I fell hard for him. He was so considerate and always could leave me smiling. I thought I had finally found the one.

The problem was: He never committed to me. He never called me his girlfriend or said those three little words. Yet he always told me how awesome I was and how he cared about me. When he went away on tour for 2 months, we constantly emailed and he called any chance he could get. So I stayed. I thought we had a future.

The day he returned from tour, he told me the bad news. He was re-locating more than 10 hours away. He told me that he couldn't do a long-distance relationship. That he didn't think he felt strongly enough about me.

I was crushed but I accepted it and let him go. Once the distance started we spoke fairly often and even sent each other birthday gifts. But eventually, communication from his side waned and I felt like he didn't care anymore.

Less than a year after he left, thanks to the wonders of Facebook, I noticed he was in a relationship. A long-distance one. It ended fairly quickly, but it still made me feel like our whole relationship was a lie. That I was just a convenience for him.

Now I no longer initiate any contact. But occasionally he'll message me and we'll talk. Sometimes he suggests my visiting, which never comes to fruition. I always feel empty and confused after our conversations.

What does he want from me? Should I leave him alone entirely? It's been a while but I still love him. I just don't know how much more emotional turmoil I can handle.

– Never Felt Like Enough, Boston

Q: I am 18 years old. A college freshman. I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. We met last summer because we work together. He is a wonderful person -- sweet, very romantic, loving, understanding (to an extreme degree), and in my head, when I think about him, I just think about how he is just absolutely the perfect guy. But for some reason that I can't pinpoint, I am not at all IN love with him. Whenever I think about him, I also have this feeling of guilt. It just feels wrong, and although I don't know why this feeling came about, it is still very much there.

The thing is, I'm away at college, and once our summer jobs were over for the year, we have been a minimum of a 40 minute drive away from each other. In the beginning we were constantly texting each other and Skyping almost every single night for hours and hours on end. But it’s become much more difficult to communicate.

And above all else, I am so busy with schoolwork and stressed out that I am despicably flaky when it comes to communication with him. He is so wonderful, and I just feel like he deserves so much better than me.

But I have no idea how to end it. He really has never ever messed up at all, and I am very, very far from perfect. Also, we work together in the summer around kids, and I don't want there to be a lot of awkwardness between us-for the campers' sakes. I don't know how to do this.

Can someone please give me some advice? I have never broken up with anyone before. The only other relationship I have ever been in lasted two weeks, and then there was just awkwardness between us, so we broke up. I don't know what to do. Someone please help me out here.

– Torn and Confused, NY

Q: Hi Meredith --

I've spent the last few weeks contemplating this question, and though I'm usually one to know what the "right" answer is, I can't seem to figure this one out. As a faithful reader I figured I'd turn to you and your readers for some advice.

Three months ago I was dumped by a guy I liked … a lot. Initially I thought things were going great and was willing to make a lot of effort in our relationship. I stayed in on nights I wanted to go out, got close to his group of friends, met his parents after just two months together, and even stayed in Boston when I was contemplating a move. He soon proved that he wasn't willing to reciprocate those gestures, and when I asked him to meet me halfway he confessed he had major trust issues. I told him that though we'd only been together for a few months, I cared about him deeply and wanted to be there for him to prove to him he could trust me. Two days later, he gave me the ol' "we need to talk."

Since the night of the breakup we have not exchanged a single word. He immediately defriended me on Facebook (within a few hours -- a trivial thing, but very telling of his deep emotional issues/immaturity) and made it very clear that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

Three months, lots of tears, and a huge heartache later I'm in a much better place. I'm gearing up to quit my job and making plans to travel and to move to New York where I've always dreamed of living.

The thing is, I never got closure. While most of my friends have suggested that he simply copped out -- that he got scared of being committed and vulnerable with someone and the easy answer was to run -- part of me is still incredibly confused as to how and why he was so willing to let go of everything we'd built. This was the guy who, just before we broke up, bought tickets for us to upcoming sporting events, talked about plans for the winter, and kept telling me how much is parents absolutely loved me.

I'm moving to New York in just over a month. Is it worth reaching out to this guy to ask him to ask him all the questions I've been contemplating for months? Part of me is scared to leave Boston without closure, but will his answers satisfy me or just open the wounds all over again? Am I naive to think that a conversation would bring me any peace? Please, help.

– Craving Closure, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

About 6 months ago, my boyfriend of less than a year broke up with me abruptly, citing a number of reasons ("It shouldn't be this hard," "I just can't do this," "I'm a loser," and the whole gamut of commitment-phobe type reasons). To say that it broke my heart is an understatement. I truly loved him and still do.

When he first asked me out I was elated but cautious. We had been good acquaintances for years and I always liked him but knew about his commitment issues. I definitely fell for the idea that I was the only girl he had ever loved, and used that as a reason to justify him not being the world's best boyfriend. Throughout our relationship I tried my best to be patient with him through our ups and downs. We fell into a pattern of getting really close, usually following some beautiful love-filled weekend, then he would freak out and backtrack, and then we'd start over again. When we broke up I assumed we'd never get back together as I had done everything possible to try and give him the space throughout our relationship to adjust to being in one. Getting over him was one of the hardest things I've had to go through, but I've made a lot of progress -- applied to school, moved, etc., all the while thinking about him every day.

Then about a month ago, I was asked to make a decision that I thought I would be really happy about. My ex wanted to see me again and see if we could make it work. I was nervous, excited, and afraid all at once. Since that time, we've had a few dates, each one fantastic. But I already see some of the old patterns coming out -- days without talking, unanswered phone calls, and a tendency to regress as soon as we start to talk about our relationship.

So my question is this: How long do I see if we can "make this work?" At 28 I find myself falling for him again, but am so afraid of getting hurt that I can't just let go and trust him. Then when I do decide to let go, I don't hear from him for a couple of days. How do we move into this slowly while still building up our relationship? I love him but am not sure if he really wants to work on our relationship or just misses me and knows I'll always be there for him.

– Do I Give Him Another Shot, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

My story is this: A guy I knew through a friend asked me out. I was flattered and said yes. We had a great first date that quickly turned into a second, third, and fourth date. He texted and called when he said he would, and even when he didn't. I was very cautious though; I had been through a similar experience where the dating hit the one month mark and the guy ran for the hills. This guy seemed different, though. I traveled out of state one weekend and he checked in everyday, seemingly very interested in my life. He even said he was ready to be dating exclusively. I was really happy.

One night, a week after saying he wanted to be exclusive and not see anyone else, he came over for what was supposed to be a dinner date. Instead, he completely freaked out, first saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. He said that *if* we kept dating and got to the point where it became a relationship, he wasn't sure if he would say yes so he didn't want to waste my time, and so on. I knew something wasn't right because his story kept changing. Did I mention this was completely out of the blue? Just the night before he had sent me a goodnight text that said he was so excited to see me the next day.

I rationalized every point he brought up, defended myself by saying I, too, wasn't looking for a relationship right now, that we had only been dating a month so obviously things were not that serious and that he was freaking out for no reason. He came in wanting to end things on the spot, but when he left he said he needed some time to process and think about what I had said. (Also, this was a few days before we hit the one month mark of dating).

It has been over a week. Not a single phone call. Four days in, I sent him a text saying look, don't feel bad either way but I don't want to be kept waiting ... and he responded, "I definitely feel bad either way," but nothing more. I have no idea what went wrong. I played everything right by the man book. He said he could be exclusive and then a week later changed his mind? I thought he was a good guy and I trusted him. I really want closure, but part of me thinks it isn't worth it to call him and confront him. Should I try to get the whole story? Or do I just have to forget it without closure?

– The Month-Long Curse Strikes Again, Arlington, VA

Q: What happens when you can't get over a former significant other from almost 7 years ago? I've dated many others since then but none compare. I've given those others a chance but can't help comparing them to her and thinking about her when I'm with them. I've had no contact with this significant other -- until a random correspondence through a good old social media site. We found each other on there and exchanged messages. She claimed that she was "so happy" I found her.

Just as fast as she appeared, she was unresponsive and then gone. After not answering a couple more of my messages she deleted her account. My messages were not psycho at all; I didn't mention anything about us or our past or ask about her current love life. I was just asking general questions about how she's been and what she's been up to. It almost makes me feel that she knew what she was doing and had spiteful intentions.

I know people will tell me she doesn't even deserve any bit of my attention and how I have to move on -- but it hasn't happened yet after 7 years. I want somebody else to come along who I'm crazy about, but it just hasn't happened yet, and at 33 I feel that it should have by now.

– Nice Guy Who's Sad, Cambridge

Q: I just wanted to pick your brain about a situation I had last year. I am a man in my late 20s, and I met a girl (same age) last year who I dated for about 4 months. It obviously wasn't that serious, but for some reason the lost potential still bothers me.

We met on an online dating site and things started off really well. However, after a few dates, I started getting vibes that she was already ready to be in a relationship with me, which freaked me out a little bit. I'm pretty selective about who I date, and although I liked her, I didn't want to rush things and I didn't want to give her the wrong impression so I pulled back a bit. But then as I got to know her, I realized that this is just her personality -- she's an extreme extrovert who gets excited and wears her heart on her sleeve while I am more reserved and don't always show a lot of emotion. Regardless, we continued dating, and I began to see that she really was an awesome person. I started developing feelings for her and I was beginning to think that there could actually be some long-term potential.

I don't fall for too many girls like that, and it had been years since I had felt that way about anyone. But there was one thing that was a little frustrating/weird to me -- she was never available to hang out on weekends. She grew up in another state and went to college in a different state, so a lot of her friends live elsewhere, and she would make plans for weekend visits weeks/months in advance. I would ask her early or mid-week what her plans were for the weekend, and it was always the same answer -- she already had plans. After getting this response a number of times and then having her tell me her weekends were basically booked solid for 3 months, I lost a lot of motivation. I wanted to start making more of an effort, but I felt limited in what I could do, as the only time I could see her was on Sunday nights and one or two other nights during the week, and it got to the point where all we did was sit on the couch, order take-out, watch TV, and go to bed. As I looked back on it after things ended, I realized we had never gone out together on a Saturday night, and she never had the chance to meet any of my friends, which I think is an important part of getting to know someone.

I was pretty baffled when she broke things off, saying that things weren't progressing and that she had lost the feelings she once had because of my seeming lack of interest/effort, and that the push-back she felt from me in the beginning is what made her start to shut down. To be fair, I was not great about calling/texting just to chat between the times we hung out … but part of the reason was that I wasn't ready to do that when all I could get from her was weeknights. I don't need too much in a relationship and I actually like it when a girl has her own friends and a life, but at some point, social lives usually start integrating at least a little bit.

The reason it still bothers me is because we got along well, seemed to have similar values, and we both really liked each other ... just at different times -- her at the beginning and me at the end. I did ultimately let her know how I felt and I (regrettably) pleaded with her to give it another chance to try and make it work, but she was just done. What really killed me was that as she was breaking things off, she told me that on paper I am exactly what she wants, but she didn't think she could get back the feelings she once had. I've been out with a number of girls since all this, had a couple 1-month stints, and have felt some decent connections, but nothing like what I felt with this girl last year, so I'm left with a lot of regrets about the whole thing because I think we could have made things work if we had just communicated better and discussed things sooner.

So here are my questions: Was it normal for me to pull back like that in the beginning when I felt like she was coming on so strong, or should I have embraced it? How often should a guy be calling/texting with a girl during the first few weeks/months when he sees (and sleeps with) her twice a week? Was I wrong in thinking her expectations for relationship progression were unrealistic when we never saw each other on weekends?

– Can't Believe I Am Writing to a Dating Column, Boston

Q: Hello,

I am not sure which category this falls under. My boyfriend of two years and I broke up a little over a month ago. We lived together and I fully expected to share the rest of my life with him. He pulled that rug out from under me when he told me that he wasn't ready and that he didn't want to bother trying to deal with the issues we had. Needless to say, I was devastated.

I moved out, found my own place, and am trying really hard to move on. Besides dealing with the fact that he was never really clear with me about why he gave up, it seems he has also inherited our friends. They hang out with him and go drinking with him and I never hear from them. All women by the way, who I had been close with for years before he ever came to town and met them. They pretend to care about me, but they are hanging out with him all of the time. I do not know what I did to push them away but the fact is I really need my friends right now. A few of my good friends have been really great to me during my heartache but it is hard for me to ignore the ones who haven't. Maybe he is just a ton more fun than me but I have to admit it really hurts to see them spending so much time with him -- considering I was there for each of them through every heartache and up and down they had. I guess I was just hoping for some reciprocity.

How do I deal with my disappointing friends? Also, how do I move on and make new single ones? It doesn't seem fair that he gets everything.

I am heartbroken and devastated to say the least and I am just looking for the best ways to move on.

– Newly Lonely, Boston

Q: My ex broke up with me about a year and a half ago after 7 years together. He dragged his feet through the breakup and it was really painful for me. Despite all of that, I moved forward, took control of my never-been-single-before life, and moved into the city. I got a new job and landed on my feet. I still missed him terribly, but I pushed forward. Because we were together for so long, we had a lot of mutual friends. While it was painful, it wasn't a bad breakup, and we both maintained those friends so we crossed each other's paths on occasion.

When I moved to the city, most of my friends were too far away to randomly hang out, so I took advantage of those who were close by. One of whom was a mutually close friend, and happens to be one of my ex's best friends, since, like, ever. He and I hung out regularly, sometimes in groups, sometimes by ourselves. Our relationship was completely platonic, but we had a lot of the same interests and also had been through similar situations in terms of breakups, so we kind of supported each other. He was the best friend I could have asked for, always giving me advice about what to do and not to do to get my ex back, and also telling me when I needed to just back off and let it be. He called me out when I needed it, and not many people do that for me.

At the end of this past summer, I started texting my ex, inserting myself back in his life and trying to make it "easy" for him to get me back. Our friend told me not to, but for some reason I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. We talked, had a few casual evenings, but all of them were pretty much after a group hang out. We never went on a "date" -- we grabbed a drink together, alone, ONCE. And I asked.

I put in all of the effort. Without going into too much detail, it took me a few months to realize I should have never put myself on that silver platter to make things easy for him because I was clearly not a priority. I backed off. THEN he came running -- when he realized I wasn't there anymore. As far as I'm concerned, I'm done.

Getting back with him, I realized, was the easy thing. I had dated around a little since the break up and wasn't really meeting new people, and this relationship was already established. We already had a history. But how could I go back to someone who clearly didn't have the gall to try to get me back himself? If he wanted to be with me, he would have been with me. He had ample opportunity. I made it clear how I felt. I just wanted him to want it. And to act on it. And he didn't.

And then about a month ago, I got drunk. And I kissed my friend -- our mutual friend. And drunkenly said some things about how I felt about him. And we met up the next day and had a conversation and it turned out we have feelings for each other. Like, real feelings. Like, heart skipping a beat, can't catch your breath feelings. And I can't make them stop. But they are best friends. We both know how we feel and know it isn't going away, but ... it's still his best friend. I'm skeptical about how this all plays out ... but we both really want to try.

– What do I do?, Anywhere

Q: I started dating this guy when were in our early 20s. We fell in love quickly and moved in together for three years, and then lived separately for various reasons for another five years. We moved back in together again five years ago, and one of the conditions of my moving back in with him was that we would get engaged and married shortly thereafter. However, my boyfriend kept putting it off, saying he was scared, wasn't ready, etc. I gave him an ultimatum and we tried couples counseling but nothing worked. I gained a lot of weight and became depressed, and our sex life became virtually non-existent. Then, about two years ago, I started losing weight and began to feel better about myself. Our relationship improved greatly and I started realizing that I didn't need a wedding ring to prove that he loved me. I started to feel like I was falling in love with him again and we felt much closer. Our sex life started to come back slowly.

Fast forward to last summer. My boyfriend confessed that he had had an affair with a co-worker during the whole previous year. He claimed that it was purely sexual and he never had any feelings for her, and that the reason for his confession was that he was ready to get married to me and did not want to have any secrets from me. Needless to say, I was completely devastated. I had had no idea that anything was going on. I told him I couldn't be with him as boyfriend/girlfriend at the moment, and that if we were ever going to reconcile we would have to do couples counseling, which he agreed to, and we started doing and continue doing. We also kept living together in the same apartment, as our lease does not end until later this year. We do not sleep together.

Shortly after my boyfriend's confession, out of anger and hurt and wanting revenge, I contacted a guy with whom I have had chemistry for years and almost hooked up with when I was younger. We agreed that our relationship would be just sexual or friends with benefits while I figured out what do to with my boyfriend and since he was not looking for anything serious. This guy and I are the same age, and he's had several bad relationships that have made him very guarded and cynical. At first I would see him a few times a week, just for sex, but over time (it's now been almost 9 months), our relationship deepened to where I see him five or six days out of the week. We go out to dinner, hang out, talk on the phone, etc. He goes on dates with other women but none have progressed to anything serious, mainly because he continues to maintain that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone. He's said to me recently that he isn't interested in dating anyone, including me, because he is afraid of getting involved with someone and getting hurt. Yet all his actions indicate to me that he likes me and at this point. I feel like we are basically dating without making it official.

I decided to move out of my apartment with my boyfriend for a month to try to get some space to figure out my next move, and I've sublet an apartment and been there for a few weeks now. However, I feel no closer to making a decision than I did before I moved in.

On one hand, I could go back to my boyfriend, who loves me and is ready to get married now. I do love him and the couples counseling has really helped us with a lot of issues that we had. But I don't know if I will ever trust him again, and I'm still so hurt and angry.

On the other hand, I could end things with my boyfriend and see where things go with the other guy. But while it's clear that this guy likes me and has feelings for me, he continues to say that he doesn't want anything serious with anybody. I do think that part of that, at least in regards to me, is that he believes that I will get back together with my boyfriend and therefore he doesn't want to risk exposing his feelings to me only to lose me.

I feel that if I were 25 years old, this would be an easier decision. I would probably end things with my boyfriend and move out, and see what happens with the other guy, with the possibility of getting back with my boyfriend if it was meant to be or just being single and finding someone new. But I'm going to be in my late 30s, and if I ever want to have kids, that window is quickly closing. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff with my whole future in the balance -- on one side marriage and kids and hopefully happily ever after, on the other uncertainty and anxiety with the possibility of never having kids. I am completely frozen by indecision and fear and have no idea what to do next.

– Utterly Confused, Worcester

Q: Hi Meredith,

Tim and I dated for a year in college (6 years ago), half of which was long-distance. He was, and is, an amazing person. Smart, funny, caring, and carries some kind of karmic energy that just seems to click with me. The distance part worked fine for a while, but once he graduated and got a job and I was still in college, it was difficult to keep the relationship intact. He ended it, I didn't beg, but made my opinion clear that I wanted to try to make it work. It was the worst heartbreak I've ever had (I was only 20!) I've dated several people over the years, but no one that comes close to how I felt (and still feel) about Tim.

Last week, he texted me to say he was in Boston (he lives out of state) and asked if I'd like to meet up. I haven't seen him in 5 years, and have only been in sporadic contact via email and texts a few times over the years, so this invitation came as a surprise, but I was excited to hear from him. We sat in a Starbucks for 2.5 hours talking until I realized I would be late for work and had to leave. I would have stayed all night! He told me he had gone through a rough time about a year ago, including receiving a diagnosis of depression, for which he is now receiving treatment. He said that he really wants to keep in touch and made it a point to say that he will call. He asked about my love life and I was honest, but didn't ask about his. The time with him was amazing and fun...and it's been distracting me ever since.

I know a part of me will always be in love with him, but now that I've seen him, I'm curious if things could work between us. Distance is still an issue, although I am not against moving. My friends know he was the one that got away and are saying things like "you never know" and encouraging me to act on my feelings. He seemed happy, but depression can be delicate and I don't want to throw any wrenches his way if he's still trying to stabilize. I don't want to chase and I'm afraid of being rejected again, and risk losing him. I think I would much rather have him as a friend than nothing at all, but is that possible with feelings like this? Is it silly for me to be thinking this way after one meeting? Do I tell him how I feel? If so, how soon? If not, what do I do about the friendship part?

Any words of comfort?

– Nostalgia or true love?, Boston

Q: I have been with this guy for over a year now but we actually have only been dating seriously for the past couple of months. When we first started hooking up, it was casual and neither of us wanted anything out of it. He had a lot of drama going on with his ex from a year ago, and I was just someone he hung out with as a good escape from it all. Over time we did get much closer, and his ex found out about me one day while snooping through his email. We were completely open about our relationship after that -- but his ex would go around saying she was depressed, would talk about what she read in our conversations pertaining to our sex life, and would tell people how he actually wanted to be with her. She completely destroyed my reputation and made me so embarrassed to show my face.

She began becoming extremely depressed, and her father was diagnosed with a bad illness toward the end of the year. She would put really heavy things on my guy by constantly crying and saying her happiness depended on him. She had a new boyfriend, but would continuously text him telling him how she loved him. Finally he told her we were getting more serious and she needed to stop, but she still continued to do the same things over and over. I also tried talking to her to get her to stop, but nothing seemed to work. In the midst of all of this, I heard that they had hooked up during the earlier parts of us talking. He did at first lie about it, but I told him I didn't believe him and he eventually admitted to it.

Now that her father is ill, he feels responsible for the way she is behaving and for her depression. He feels as though he should talk to her about how she feels, but I don't know what to take of it. I hate this girl for what she did to me and put me through when I didn't even know her, and I hate her for what she did to him (she cheated during their relationship). I feel absolutely crazy telling him not to be there for her, but it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. All of her friends have stopped talking to her as a result of her actions toward this situation, so he feels as though she has no one.

This isn't a trust issue for me; it's more that I just don't feel entitled to my boyfriend since she knows he will always be there when she needs it. I feel like she takes advantage of that and he allows her to do that. I really don't know what the sane way to feel about this is, and I hope you could give me some guidance.

– Can't Handle the Ex, Boston

Q: My boyfriend of five years and I broke up about a year and a half ago. We have both since moved on and are in serious relationships with new people. I miss my ex very much as we lived together for many years and were not just boyfriend and girlfriend, but also just really great friends. We shared so much together and even though we ended up splitting up (he ended it because of commitment issues), I wish to maintain some sort of friendship with him.

The problem is, he is dating a girl who is many, many years younger than he is, and who has serious jealousy and insecurity issues. According to my ex, she has forbidden him to see me, even in social situations where many of our mutual friends are around, and even with our new partners. He emails and texts me occasionally about non-important things, my guess is just to maintain some sort of contact with me and because his new girlfriend won't know about this kind of communication. I've stopped writing back because I've really lost respect for him. My question is, is it worth trying to maintain a friendship with an ex who lets his new partner's insecurities interfere with his life -- or do I confront him and tell him I'm not interested in a friendship unless it's a real one?

– Cut Off, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

My cousin is currently going through a painful divorce (what divorce isn't painful?), and while her soon to be ex-husband was the one who initiated the divorce proceedings, both of them are responsible for the failure of their marriage. I should also note that the grounds for the divorce are on differences -- there were no extramarital affairs, and no one was abusive. Also, there are no children or any properties involved.

Since we are all a very large and close extended family, we are all friends on Facebook. All of us were on excellent terms with her ex, and welcomed him into the family. And while her ex and I do not keep in regular contact, we still remain friends on Facebook. During this time, her ex has periodically been in touch with me during my father's terminal illness, asking about his health, and sending a beautiful card when my father passed away. All in all, he is a very nice guy.

Now for my problem. For the past couple of months, my cousin has been repeatedly emailing everyone in the family to cut all contact and de-friend him. Since her ex has shown noting but kindness and compassion to me and my immediate family during our period of grief and loss, I feel reluctant to de-friend him and cut all contact. I understand where my cousin is coming from, but it seems rude and passive-aggressive for me to do this. I don't want to be a bad cousin, but I don't believe it is her place to tell all of us whom we can and cannot speak to. What would you advise me to do?

– Trapped by Facebook Drama, Brighton

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a single woman in my early 30s and am involved in a "friends with benefits" situation. The gentleman is an ex-boyfriend from about a decade ago. We dated on and off for over 3 years but have stayed very close since we decided to finally call it quits. The break up was mutual.

We have supported each other through good times and bad over the years. We've been through deaths, other relationships, breakups, new jobs, and new apartments. We have a great connection that I never want to give up. We think alike and have the same dry wit. There is only one other person who can make me belly laugh like he does and that is my best friend from elementary school. We truly enjoy each other's company (in and outside the bedroom).

There are multiple reasons why we finally ended it but I will touch on just a few. We were young when we started dating, and we were both (admittedly) having a hard time committing and picturing ever settling down. He had a hard time believing that I didn't want to get married and have kids anytime soon. At one point he and his roommate started hanging out with a new group of friends, most of whom were women. Knowing he did not have many friends I encouraged it at first. Long story short, I started to get jealous. I have never been jealous in any other relationship prior or since and I hated how it made me feel. He started treating me differently and the spark was no longer there. I had to call it quits.

Over the years we have dated other people and keep a respectable distance during those times but always stayed in contact. The minute we are single, the "friends with benefits" arrangement kicks in. Over the past year we have really enjoyed each other, but there was no spark -- until the other night. It totally caught me (and I think him) off guard. We have kissed many times over the years since we separated but the kiss the other night sent shivers through my body and tears to my eyes. It was that spark that we had been missing. Not saying a word or knowing what to do, he snuggled in close to me and we just fell asleep. We've talked since then but "it" has not been discussed since. So here is my question: Do I bring it up? Do I leave it alone so not to rock the boat? I think I would be open to dating again but I am nervous of the rejection. I cannot stop thinking about it.

Thanks for reading!

– Unexpected Feelings, Boston

Q: I have been off and on dating a girl for the past year and a half. We are basically best friends and have amazing communication. We have talked hypothetically about being more serious, and even marriage. She has admitted to me that I am the first guy she has pictured marrying and being a father to her 3-year-old child. I am everything right to her.

However, as I said, we have been off and on for the past year and a half. She breaks things off and comes back to me. Most recently, when we officially tried being together, it lasted about 3 weeks. She admitted to me that it just isn't there for her. She still wants to be friends and still admits I am everything right, however it's just not there even though she really wants it to be.

My question is, do I still be a friend to her? Or do I need to move past her and let her completely go? I still have a lot of feelings for her, and I'm still very attracted to her. Why do I still hold on to her when I have so many other options with other girls?

– Hopelessly Holding On, Salt Lake City

Q: Meredith,

I have loved Love Letters since 2010 when I lived in Boston and went through a really hard break up. I was with my ex, let's call him Brian, for 5 years. We were young and had the kind of love that consumes you in an unhealthy way. I was completely sucked in and obsessed. We were so passionate, loving each other one second and fighting uncontrollably the next. When we broke up I was devastated.

Soon after our break up, I met Nate, an older and more mature guy. Our relationship blossomed and we fell fast into a more mature, adult love. We live together now, moved across the country together, and 95% of the time everything is great. We drink tea, watch TV together and "make grilled cheese sandwiches" before bed. It feels very natural and grown up.

But then there is the 5% of the time where I miss the obsessed feeling, the fighting just to make up. I do not know if I am just romanticizing what Brian and I had or if I am just really missing it.

I am going back to Boston soon for a week and part of me wants to see Brian, to see if feelings come back. But is that crossing lines? Am I playing with fire? How do I ignore these feelings and appreciate what I have 100% of the time. Or is something wrong in my relationship that I feel this way?

– Will This Mess With My Head, Los Angeles

Q: Dear Meredith,

I started dating Jake about six years ago. We had a very immature, young, and passionate relationship. I had so much fun with him but also lost most of my identity as an individual (and self-respect). It unfortunately ended abruptly and horribly with betrayal, confusion, and many unanswered questions. This break-up happened about two years ago. To be completely honest (don't judge me), our break-up was basically hugging good-bye after a party, and blocking each other's Facebook and phone numbers. There was no confrontation. It was almost as though we both knew it was over and felt there was nothing to talk about.

Fast-forward to now. I am doing well with a guy who I have been seeing for a year. I am my own person and I have no regrets. I am honestly much happier without Jake. Or so I consciously think ...

From the break-up to now I have had tons of dreams about Jake. It is the same dream in different forms. For instance, one night I had a dream that we were in a grocery store. Jake walked up to me and told me he wanted to talk things out. He told me to meet him in a certain aisle, but we never seemed to be in the same aisle at the same time. Similar dreams include Jake asking me to talk things out but my mouth is severely taped shut and the tape won't peal, being in a forest and losing each other mid-sentence because a tree crashed in between us, and being in a parking lot and getting into different cars. After I wake up from the dream, even if I realize that I am a better, healthier person without him, I get the same gut feeling a heartbroken person feels. I go about my day feeling as though someone just dumped me.

Have I mentioned it's been almost two years!!

There have been no encounters with Jake because he does not want to see me. Even if I tried to contact him, I would 100% be ignored. He moved out of town and changed his phone number. He even stopped talking to mutual friends so I literally have no connection to him. Therefore, trying to seek closure with him face-to-face is NOT an option. He is a different, cruel person now and I don't even think talking with him would even make the dreams go away. I only have the dreams about three or four times a month, but even that seems like way too many.

I don't understand why I continue to have these dreams. I really do think I'm over Jake and I am much more grateful to have found my current boyfriend. Can I find closure without facing Jake? This is not only a problem for my own mental state, but my boyfriend is getting angry. He understands that I cannot help what I dream about, but he views dreams as random, and far from meaningful. He hates when I analyze them and try to figure them out. It makes him think I still have feelings for Jake. We have been arguing about it frequently and I feel trapped in my own sleep. Please help me!

– Dreaming in Derry

Q: I'm 22 years old and I need some advice. I've been contacted by three exes in three weeks, all of whom broke up with me at one point in time. I will talk about each of them and what they said to me in the order that they've contacted me.

About three weeks ago, an ex-girlfriend who I dated for a year and a half (the longest I've ever been with anybody) contacted me and has been reaching out ever since. It began with her awkwardly saying, "Hey, what's up?" I responded nicely and asked her how she's doing. She started talking about how she hopes I find a nice girl and that she feels responsible for the fact that I haven't. That weekend she texted, "Am I gonna see you out tonight?" That was really weird to me, because we don't ever run into each other. Three weeks later, she's still reaching out for brief conversations. I don't really have any desire to get back together with this girl.

This second girl is one who I was seeing more recently. I had and still have feelings for her that I've never had for anyone. We dated last year but it ended abruptly due to different agendas. She told me she was seeing somebody else and I didn't get mad. I have always been nice to this girl. She's different than any other girl I've met. I would like to keep her around in any way I can, even if that means just as friends. It's like I care more about her well-being than my own, and I've never felt that way about anybody before. But after we ended, I was pretty hurt. I had to cut off contact with her so that I could move on. But then a couple weeks ago, she texted me asking about my weekend. We got into a little conversation, joked around a little bit, and then it ended. This has happened a couple of times. This past weekend, I wound up seeing her at a party. I admit that upon first sight of her, I froze and I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. She came over to me, hugged me, and asked how I was doing. Then we talked and joked around for a little while. The party moved over to this bar shortly after. Long story short, we talked to each other and nobody else from the time we got to the bar until the time she left. Mind you, this was a loud place where it is hard to have a conversation in the first place, but that's exactly what we did. When she left, she suggested that we hang out again soon. Now, as far as I know, she's still seeing this guy. We wound up going out with our roommates, and not even an hour later, she texts me that she'd like to do that again. She said she has a fantastic time with me whenever we hang out, and that she misses spending time with me. Then she said that she trusts me more than anybody. I don't want to read into this incorrectly, because she could just be trying to establish a friendship. But I find this very odd, and being that this could be the first girl that I've ever actually loved, I don't want to mess anything up.

Finally, this last girl is one that I was seeing a couple years ago. We ended pretty badly and eventually stopped speaking to each other. She tried to mend our relationship a few months later, but the first girl I told you about wouldn't let that happen. So we continued not talking to each other, and we both kind of held our own grudges. Today, she messages me on Facebook to ask what I've been up to and says that she wants to meet up and have a drink. I would like to do this because I feel bad for the way we stopped talking to each other. And I'm curious to see where this goes.

Now, everywhere I turn to find answers, people say that if you want a girl to miss you and to come back to you then you need to ignore her when she reaches out. They say to treat her as she treated you when it ended, but I find it hard to do that. The way I see it, what's wrong with being nice to them when they reach out to you? I'm thinking that as long as you show that you're not desperate to get them back and you're doing well without them, is that really going to hurt your chances of maybe getting back together with them one day? I guess this is my question to you. Also, what are these girls doing? Why did this all happen at once? Clearly, I'd like to have another shot with the second girl I talked about. But I'm not ruling out anything, and I'm not jumping the gun on anything. If they want something, they're going to have to ask for it. But my head is spinning, and I could use some direction.

– What do I do?, Boston

Q: I am writing for a few hundred unbiased opinions on a situation I have been having with my boyfriend. My friends are amazing listeners who are very supportive, but being agreed with repeatedly is not helping me. I need some fresh points of view. So, here's my "I love him, but…" story.

I live with an amazing man and his two kids from a previous relationship who we have about 50% of the time. We were together when we were younger and found our way back to each other about two years ago, both of us now in our 30s. Nothing in my life has ever felt so right. I am not perfect, he's not perfect, but we're perfect for each other. Before him, I was happily single and I could be again, so I am not with him out of a need to be in a relationship.

The problem has to do with his kids' mother. We all get along, she is recently married, they were apart for years before we got together, and we easily navigate custody without legal assistance. Neither of them has the slightest desire to be with the other in a romantic way. The problem is how frequently she calls/texts him. Their children are young, so there is bound to be more calls than with older children, but she calls at least once most days, usually a couple of times and that is often in addition to multiple texts. The kids have their own phone, so she is not calling to talk to them. The children are healthy, normal kids who do not require any special attention, so I can't figure out what is so important it can't wait until they see each other, which they do almost daily to drop off/pick up the kids. There have been times I know they've spoken more than once and exchanged a few texts and he still doesn't know who has the kids that night. Most calls have something to do with the kids but not always. Even when it is about the kids, it is often something trivial that really doesn't necessitate contact.

The other day, I asked when he last went a day without her calling. The only day he could come up with was the day he drove her and the kids to the airport. We fight about this constantly; he says he doesn't care because she is such a nonentity in his life that he doesn't even notice. I can't understand why it wouldn't bother him unless he wants to hear from her (he never calls her unless he has to). It has gotten to the point where I cannot even be rational when she calls for legitimate reasons.

Am I being unreasonable? Why doesn't he want less of her in his life? Should he set boundaries? How can he do that without creating waves (she can easily be tipped into crazy land and things wouldn't be so good for the kids)? Can you suggest ways for me to just accept it as "the thing" in our relationship?

– Feeling Like the Other Woman, CT

Q: This letter may be just as much about me as it is about my guy or his ex-girlfriend. My boyfriend, whom I met about four years ago, is loving, caring, sweet, funny, sexy and everything I have ever wanted. We dated for a few months when we met, and started dating again this past fall. Things have become very serious. We are long distance and see each other every 2/3 weeks. We've made plans for him to live up here for the summer and I am moving back down there once I am done with my graduate degree.

My major problem (with myself or my boyfriend or his ex -- I am not quite sure at this point) is that his ex -- who, incidentally, is the local girl who lured him away from me after I left years ago -- is a rotten egg. She wormed his way into his life. At the time, he was about 27, I was 24, and she was 21. Now we are four years older. Why did he pass me over for her? Well, he was living in a rural town, felt lonely, and I was 600 miles away. At the time, it was all a very logical bad decision on his part. I didn't have much choice but to pick up and concentrate on my own life. I just never expected to hear from him again. Well I did, and here we are -- happy but confused!

During those three-plus years apart, he was extremely unhappy and struggled with his ex being verbally (sometimes physically) abusive and manipulative. In addition, a lot happened to us both personally -- he bought a house, I lost a parent, he lost two relatives, and he began a business with his ex that is still up in the air. He has admitted he made horrible choices and was always thinking about me. He is also very much past her and she is not a threat to our relationship at all -- at least not in the sense that he would resume things with her again.

However, she is a threat in that our bad feelings about her are somewhat poisonous and have become embedded into what he and I are trying to rebuild. Although she has moved away from him, she still tries to needle her way into things -- she calls and capitalizes upon the legalities of their business and then it becomes all about her. The fact that they ran this business together makes this almost like a divorce. Whenever she gets mean, he ends the conversation then and there. However, it doesn't stop him from making an unpleasant comment about her -- which, of course, I empathize with completely.

I have no issues with his honesty -- he is the most honest guy I have ever met and always has been. He never lied to me once -- not even when things began with her way back when. I have never met this woman and I absolutely hate her -- which is something I feel uncomfortable about. I hate her because she was a major player in our initial separation, caused me so much hurt, hurt him so much and is still hurting him.

The two of us agree that the years apart were beneficial for us. We are older and wiser and treasure what we have, which is why I just want to find a way for us to not despise her so much. I understand if this letter is a bit confusing, but honestly, it just reflects the resentful bewilderment I feel about her -- or me. I am not sure. I have found myself more than a few times looking her up online and mentally bashing her with the sort of derision I reserve for the Kardashians. That, I know, is not healthy OR constructive.

Our love is strong. This is the one struggle we have. The distance is nothing. Simply put, we are two good people who are feeling really mean and frustrated about this one person. So ... now I am very curious about the armchair online analysis you and your readers have to offer. I just don't know what I can do to make the hateful thought of her less pervasive.

– Nice Chick Otherwise, New England

Q: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because every 8 months or so I would find myself questioning if he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The doubts started after about a year together. Usually, they crept in when we were talking about getting serious and moving in together or during a relationship lull. Usually, after a few more weeks, we'd go back to normal.

I always enjoyed spending time with him. He was my best friend. We laughed together, we enjoyed relaxing and playing with our dogs together, spending time with our respective families, etc.

A little information about us: I'm a law student and he began his career living just over an hour away. We would typically see each other every weekend, but not during the week because of my school requirements. He was wonderfully supportive.

My parents divorced when I was a kid and they've been miserable about each other for most of my life. My dad's second marriage also ended miserably. Needless to say, I'm terrified of marriage, serious commitment, etc. I'm not really sure what it means to be "in love." From what I can see with dealing with divorcing couples on a regular basis through our school's family law clinic, the best you can hope for is to find someone who you get along with well, can work through difficult times with, and who overall makes you happy. I knew I loved and still love my boyfriend, and at times would believe I was in love with him, but when I would start questioning us I would start wondering if I was really in love with him.

Now that we're broken up, I'm not sure if I made the right choice. I miss him and still love him, of course. I don't know what was causing the doubt. Was it my fears? Was it that there was something missing emotionally? Was it our circumstance (being long distance), or was it my selfish coveting of the life I didn't have (which now I realize is not what it's chalked up to be)?

My question is: Was I right to break up with him? Does it seem like it could be something that could be fixed and otherwise we would be good together? Why did I continue to go through those times of questioning? Just any advice, insight you can give would be amazing.

I just don't want to be like my parents and 35% of the US married population and make the wrong decision about a partner and divorce.

– Did I Make A Mistake, Baton Rouge

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a divorced father of a wonderful daughter. I've been divorced for almost 10 years, and while it's been a rocky road for me at times, I think I've moved on for the most part. My ex (let's call her Jane) and I have shared custody of our daughter. We have gotten along very well when it comes to raising our child. Recently, however, I have grown increasingly concerned about some of Jane's behavior and how it might affect my daughter. I just don't know how to handle it appropriately.

A bit of background: My marriage ended because Jane had been cheating on me for several years with several different people. I tried everything under the sun to try and save the situation for our daughter's sake and for my own. We tried counseling and various other things to try to fix the situation. In the end nothing helped, and Jane finally told me she was leaving me for a guy she had been seeing for some time and she was going to file for divorce regardless of what I wanted. Jane ended up marrying this guy a year or two later. He has kids of his own, and whether I like it or not, my daughter has grown close to his kids and now considers them to be family.

I told Jane when we broke up that regardless of how I felt, she better not "mess up" again because of the impact it would have on our child. I told her if she broke our daughter's heart again by messing up another marriage and once again turning her life upside down, I would not hesitate to file for full custody. As far as I am concerned, another divorce would show that Jane is completely self-absorbed and an unfit parent.

Flash forward to today. I'm still very close to Jane's family, since my daughter is their family. They also know the basics of what happened between Jane and me, and they have always been very supportive. Recently, one of them added me as a Facebook friend. This means that all of a sudden I can see a lot of Jane's Facebook activity, as we are now "Friends of Friends" of each other, in Facebook terms. For a while I tried not to look. But eventually my curiosity got the best of me. I can't see a lot, but I can see some of her activity and her friends' list, etc.

Facebook ethical dilemmas aside (I will do whatever I feel I need to do as a father to protect my daughter's best interests, and I can't help it if Jane doesn't understand the ins and outs of Facebook's byzantine privacy configurations), I now know things that are of great concern to me. Jane has been spending a lot of time with an old friend. My daughter told me that her mother even shared a "scorpion bowl" at lunch with this guy one day (and then drove with my daughter in the car, which is a whole different concern!). I think a lot of this time has been spent without the current husband around.

The bottom line is that I am seeing what appears to be a re-emergence of a pattern of behaviors that I am unfortunately very familiar with. Given Jane's history, I think my concerns are legitimate. I don't really care about how this impacts the new husband. It would be karmic justice if it only affected him, as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately, such behavior doesn't just affect the new husband. My only concern is that Jane may once again be cheating, or is certainly tempting fate, and that this could lead to another messy divorce, which would hurt my daughter in ways I don't even want to think about. She would lose a family that she's become close to.

What do I do here? How do I confront Jane about my concerns? Is it even appropriate for me to do so? I just want to do whatever I can to protect my child in this mess. It took her several years to adjust to one new reality. I don't want her to have to start all over again if her mother is being as selfish as I think she is. Am I way off-base here?

– Concerned Father in Boston

Q: I met this guy about a year ago. He was a new student at law school. We became friends, and soon our relationship became quite flirty and intimate, physically and emotionally. At the time, I wondered whether he was just fooling around because he had just broken up with his girlfriend.

A couple of months later, longer after their break up, we started hanging out more often, having pseudo-dates. We go out for food, go for long drives out of town, talk for hours, and have drinks. And whenever we go out, we act like a couple. We hold hands, hugs and kisses, get intimate, etc. He's been dropping hints, so I'm pretty sure he has feelings for me, too. Seems like a good love story, right? Problem is, we haven't really talked about us. And our "relationship" is not in the open -- although we don't really intend it to be a secret. (But it helps because his ex has been jealous of me since we became close friends and there are still issues about it, rumors going around and stuff.)

He is also hot and cold, and I wonder whether I am just a rebound girl or something. On the other hand, he's close to my friends and he knows my family and I've met his too -- but not in a mom-dad-I'd-like-you-to-meet-this-girl way, unfortunately.

I am really confused right now. I don't want to push the relationship or rush it, but it would really help to know where I stand or where we stand. I don't want to ask him outright because I might put him off. I'm scared to sound like I want to rush things. I am also shy and quite an introvert when it comes to talking about personal things and emotions. What sound I do? Should I just wait? Or should I keep my options open? Do you think he isn't really serious about this?

– Confused Wallflower, San Francisco

Q: I have been on and off with my boyfriend for about two years. He is beyond wonderful at times -- but he can also act as if he's not happy with his life at all.

I broke up with him because of that. My life wasn't going anywhere and I was beginning to feel stuck. The same night we broke up, I ran into an old friend that I used to text a lot. We kissed that night and I forgot all about my ex. This guy is amazing -- he has a great education, great family, great everything, and is so into me. He is so passionate.

We dated for about 6 months until my ex came back into the picture. I saw him at a few parties and I started to miss him. So I start texting him, sending him pics, etc. Eventually, I broke up with the new boyfriend and got back with my ex. The newer guy was heartbroken (I mean devastated) but I suddenly had no interest in him. I was all about my ex.

I'm still with my ex now but have also been texting my old fling. I am in desperate need of help. I love my ex and am so comfortable around him, but I love the second guy, too.

How do I choose? I've hurt these guys way too many times. I keep going back and forth between the two of them and I always get caught and never feel bad about it. I don't know what do to. Please, please help.

– Can't Choose, MA

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am currently single and have been for about three years now. I am 28 years old. I dated and lived with a great girl previously for about a year, but it didn't work out.

Back to why I am writing you. I am totally lost and hopeless in the dating arena. I have so many issues. I think I am attractive, in good shape, have a good job, and am very honest. But sometimes I think maybe I am trying to go out with girls who are too "attractive," at least based on my definition (not everyone agrees). When I say, OK, let me try someone who maybe I am not attracted to but could be good for me, I am totally not into it and end up feeling I wasted my time and hers. So that's one issue. Am I attracted to girls who are out of my league?

The more important issue is that while I actually do pretty well with getting dates and meeting women, I drive myself absolutely CRAZY with (1) when to call, (2) when to text, (3) when to meet, and (4) freaking out that maybe she doesn't like me and on and on and on. I self-destruct. I could go on an awesome first date but then smother the girl, texting the next day what a great time I had, asking her to go out again right after, and trying to contact her too much. One girl said that she got a sense of paranoia from me and that I could be insecure. Others say that I am too forward sometimes. I am just trying to be honest when they ask personal questions. I feel like it is more anxiety than anything! Friends always tell me to play it cool, but I totally can't. I already met a cute girl and asked for her number, but I am afraid I will screw it up again. I know others have much bigger problems, but I feel like a lot of my issues are what single guys and girls are often feeling -- when to call, what to do, etc. It feels like everything is magnified at the beginning so when being too careful, I actually mess it up. I probably sound desperate!

Please help ... I just want to meet someone and settle down. I am 28 and not getting younger!

– Totally Lost in NYC

Q: Meredith,

I am a divorced man in my early 30s. I met my wife when I was a young working professional right out of college. She was right out of high school at the time. We fell hard and fast for each other, but over time it was evident we had little in common, plus her family and friends didn't really like me. In total I was with my ex-wife for over 8 years.

Today I find it increasingly difficult to meet anyone, let alone date, find someone attractive, someone who wants the same things and not play games. Instead, I've been doing a ton of research on finding a wife from a 3rd world country. Old school matchmaking as they call it.

I understand it is not love. These foreign brides come from almost nothing, most are just trying to help pay off family debt. Sometimes these girls are simply forced into it ... as in human trafficking.

There are many cases where 3rd world brides are abused, murdered, and subject to deplorable conditions in their adopted homes. Many run away just to end up as prostitutes because of the language/cultural barrier.

I'm a big believer in helping the less fortunate. My intentions are to find a suitable wife, not to take advantage of someone in a desperate situation. Most relationships are based on love, but love alone can't sustain it. We often act out of blind love, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Instead, I'm looking for a relationship based on mutual respect and appreciation first.

I believe there are merits to this "arrangement." It is a different type of marriage/relationship but one that could last even longer. There are so many divorces today. Clearly the love was right at THAT moment (whenever it was), but wrong at THIS moment. I need a relationship that can sustain itself with or without love. I'm not a frog, have a successful career, only 30, tall, no physical handicaps. I'm perfectly capable of finding my match here. But nowadays nothing is for certain.

There are many types of "arrangements" today: one-night stands, hook ups, booty calls, friends with benefits, open relationships, etc. This one is just more old school, using matchmakers.

What do you think about going on a marriage tour?

– Third World Bride, Boston

Q: Hi,

I am in my early 30s and was, until a year ago, in a tumultuous 5-year relationship. Although we loved each other very much and got along well, my ex couldn't make up his mind about whether he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, whereas I was ready for a real commitment on his part after being together for 3 years. To be fair, he was in an unstable financial and career situation the whole time and felt he had nothing to offer. He had already tried to end the relationship a few times because even though I didn't make any demands on him, it was obvious I wanted something that he couldn't provide. He was just not mentally ready. But each time, our feelings pulled us back together.

We finally broke up last year when he decided it was unfair to keep me waiting until he made up his mind.

It took me a while to get over him, but two months ago I met a wonderful guy and we have developed strong feelings for each other. But after I announced to my ex that I had met someone, he called me back to tell me he loved me and was now sure he wanted to marry me and that he's ready to spend the rest of his life with me. It's been a few weeks and he is much more communicative (he couldn't say the words "I love you" before), loving and caring.

So here I am, not sure if I should give my ex another chance or try and figure out where this new relationship is headed. Both options feel risky. My ex hasn't made me happy in the past due to his emotional unavailability, but I have some doubts about my new boyfriend's ability to make me happy too. He had trouble getting over an ex until recently, he hasn't gone to grad school yet, which is usually a big strain on relationships and delays family and kids (and frankly, I don't want to experience grad school a second time), he has a busy life (friends, hobbies), and I feel as though I can be just another activity to schedule...

Meredith, I need your help. I need to either tell my new bf I cannot pursue this relationship or tell my ex I will not marry him. How do I figure out if it's worth pursuing this new relationship or if I can trust my ex and give him another chance?

– Which One?, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a successful, attractive, African-American female in my mid-20s who APPEARS to have everything going for me. I emphasize "appears" because people who know me believe I'm a young, vibrant, well-educated woman who has many opportunities awaiting her (and they are right). They think I don't stay up at night worried about anything.

And here is where they're wrong.

I have trouble dating and meeting men for a variety of reasons, but there are two that stick out most:

1. I have only been attracted to tall, attractive, white men. I'm talking about Tom Brady/Josh Duhamel/Paul Walker types. No one else. I have very good friends of all different cultural and racial backgrounds and I love them dearly, but as far as attraction goes, I'm only drawn to white males. I don't tell many people this because I'm afraid I'd be judged and looked down upon. But I only get that electric feeling with white men. [P.S. I'm working on breaking away from the pretty boy types I listed above because history has proven that the pretty ones are usually the dudes that break hearts.]

2. I'm still trying to get over a man I dated back in 2009 and 2010. I feel like he was the one that got away. I know it's been a while but it's like I can't completely get over him ... I just don't find that "spark" that I had with him with anyone else. He was so many things to me: smart, wicked attractive, educated, driven, funny, well-rounded, and his personality clicked well with mine. But he lived far away and it wasn't going to work. So I had to let him go. The icing on the cake is that I found out recently that this guy got married. Cue the water works. I was pretty hurt by it but he's been gone for so long, so it is what it is. The real downside is that I find myself only being attracted to men that resemble his physical features. Dark hair, brown eyes, tanned, beautiful.

The dating pool shrinks even more.

Anyway, I don't know what else to do. Men that meet me say they're surprised I'm single (probably because I love sports, action movies, and don't pay much attention to pop culture). I moved to Boston a year ago, so I don't have many friends that can play my wingman at bars or outings to meet guys. Going solo, I've tried extracurricular activities, going out, visiting bars...but I have this sinking feeling that I'm never going to meet someone that I'm wholeheartedly attracted to. I.JUST.FEEL.ALONE. Any advice?

– Living in a Black and White World, Massachusetts

Q: My ex of nine months broke up with me a few months ago. I was devastated. He told me that he "couldn't be himself around me" because he was nervous that I would get mad or start an argument. He said that those fears started a few weeks prior to him breaking up with me.

He told me that he still wanted me in his life and wanted to be friends. I thought I could do that, so we tried for about a month. We just talked by texting and if I saw him out at the bar we would say hi and talk for a little bit. He told me he was still attracted to me, and we would flirt through texting and stuff, and it just seemed like he really did miss me.

One night, he told me to come outside of the bar, and I did. He was waiting for me out there by himself. We talked for about five minutes and he really was acting like he missed me a lot. At the end of our talk, he put his forehead on mine and we just stood there in silence. Then he abruptly walked away. I asked him later that night to walk me home and he said no. I said all I wanted to do was talk and that's it. He said we'd talk the next day.

So the next day I texted him and asked him if he wanted to talk. He said, "What is there to talk about?" And right then I knew I had screwed up by thinking that he actually wanted to get back together. He told me that our outside talk had meant nothing because he was drunk, so I reacted the same way I used to react in our relationship -- angry and upset and saying mean things. He then told me, yet again, "I know we can be happy together, but I can't be myself around you because I don't know how you are going to react." Maybe he was testing me.

The day after, I apologized to him for the things I said, but then told him that he was leading me on. He told me that he is "done being sympathetic to me, I reacted the way he thought I would." It's been a few weeks and we still haven't talked.

Did I ruin my second chance? He knows we can be happy together, but will he give me another chance down the line? I am working on changing how I react to things, not just for him but for myself. Are there such things as third chances? I miss talking to him and I want to be his friend, but after the way I reacted to him he doesn't know if he can be friends with me. What should I do?

– Hurt and Confused, NY

Q: Meredith,

After two years together, my boyfriend and I recently broke up. (I'm in my early-to-mid 20s.) I am having a hard time coping with the loss of a person I envisioned spending the rest of my life with. Our relationship began with love at first sight but took us two years to get up the nerve to ask each other out. We lived together for a year but because of a program for his job, he had to move back home with his parents (about 45 minutes away). He and I tried very hard to make time for each other but were both frustrated because so many other things kept coming up that limited our visits. This is the most serious relationship either of us has ever had.

The fight that led to our breakup happened a week before we graduated from our academic programs. He said that we are headed in different directions because he knows I want marriage and kids but he doesn't want those things right now (I am not ready to be a parent for at least another 3-4 years and am fine putting off marriage as long as I know he wants to be with me), but he doesn't seem to hear what I am saying. He said that he would rather break up now than later and brought up other what-ifs for the future, like where I will get a job next year. I did not want to fight about what-ifs and still don't, but once he made his decision he said that if we gave it a second chance until May that we would be "living a lie." He still says that he's in love with me but his continually telling me that this is for my own good is frustrating. I know that we obviously need space right now but I would like us to revisit these issues once the job situation is settled here in a few months.

I don't know how to get around this. We still hang out, but because I am so deeply hurt by this, our conversations eventually end up with me asking for reiteration of his reasons (because I don't understand how the what-ifs years down the road can lead to the breakup of a fantastic, loving two-year relationship), and me telling him how hurt and confused I am. I have also been dealing with feelings of being worthless because I feel as though he feels our relationship is not worth working on and I am deeply hurt by what I perceive as his refusal to fight for me or our relationship.

I don't know what to do, so any advice would be helpful.

– Lost and Confused, CO.

Q: Dear Meredith,

I'm writing to you and the LL readers about a bit of a different issue today: my parents' marriage. For some background, my parents have been married for more than 20 years and have my little sister, who's in her teens, and me (I'm in my 20s).

My parents have never had a particularly happy marriage due in large part to their different personalities and communication styles. My mom is Type A and has a "my way or the highway" approach to communication. My dad is much more laissez-faire but completely lacks the capacity to communicate. I do not think they love one another.

In the past, my parents would go through ups and downs but generally it was mostly peaceful in our house. Recently, however, my younger sister has experienced some serious psychological issues, and this has sent my parents over the edge. They can't have a conversation about my sister or her treatment (she's in therapy, meds, the whole nine yards) without it turning into a power struggle over who's at fault for the recent situation. I no longer live at home but have been put in the position of playing the moderator between my parents because they can no longer communicate with each other.

The constant fighting is driving me crazy and I believe it gets in the way of what is most important: my sister's health. I'm fairly certain that my mom at least wants to get a divorce but doesn't want to rock the boat until my sister is better. Counseling is also not an option -- my dad doesn't believe in the "mental health system" and getting my sister into treatment was hard enough.

I guess my question is this: How can I best mediate the situation so that my sister is the focus? I'm not looking to "fix" my parents' relationship; I'm only looking to help them tolerate each other until my sister is better and off to college. I have voiced my feelings/opinions to both parents numerous times without much success.

Any insight would be much appreciated.

– My Parents Need to Get Along, Boston

Q: My ex-fiance and I ended our eight-year relationship last year, shortly after I moved out of town for work. I am now relocating back to Boston for work. I will be moving back into the neighborhood where we used to live because it feels like home -- I lived there for years before my ex moved in with me. My ex still lives in my old apartment, hence my dilemma: should I give him a heads up that I will be returning to the area? Though I have reached out on multiple occasions and would like to remain in contact, he wants absolutely no communication (it was a messy break-up). Given the size of the community, however, it is likely we will run into one another at some point. Is it better to let him know in advance that I am in the area so he can mentally prepare or just let things run their course?

– Moving Back, Another State

Q: Hi Meredith,

I broke up with my boyfriend last summer. We had been together for a year and a half and had lived together for a few months. I was going through a very difficult time while we lived together. (I lost my business, my money, a family member, etc.) I could barely afford to take the T to my part-time job. He might say otherwise, but what happened is that he gave up on me, checked out of us, and started hanging out with another woman behind my back. There were dates, texts of adoration, the whole deal. I moved out, found a place, found a job, and started to feel good again. My summer was full of introspection and tears, but I got to a point where I was done putting energy into being angry with him.

We met up to talk and we hashed it out. We met up a few more times and we became less of two people who used to date, and more like two people who were friendly and actually enjoyed a laugh. Fast forward to now. We've been talking, texting, and have seen each other a number of times, and yes, I never thought I'd do it, but we became physical.
I thought I could do the casual thing, but he gets drunk and texts/calls and says things like "I'm so in love with you," "I miss you," "I had a hard day and want to hear your voice," and I just can't hear that as someone whose heart was broken by him, you know? So, I finally gathered the strength to say, I can't do this. We're not together, nor are we moving toward that. We're exes and I need distance in order to really move on and be open to a new guy who won't give up on me.

I really enjoyed being friendly with him and I do care about him as a person, but it was just too hard. I think it was right, but I miss him. I miss hearing from him and I'm doing this thing in my head where I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else. Oh, one other important piece of information: he was my first real boyfriend (I'm in my late 20s). I had had other "situations" in the past, but never called anyone my boyfriend, nor was I considered anyone's girlfriend. Is that why I'm having such a hard time?

I also think that this all happened because it gave me back the control. It's essentially what I should've done in the spring when he started checking out of our relationship, but at the time, I was so stressed out and in the dumps that losing something else was too much for me to consider. I did the right thing, right?

– So Confused, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

You've probably heard this story before, someone having trouble getting over an ex especially around the holidays. My ex and I dated for a year and things were OK but we would have the same argument every month. I thought she had anxiety issues and suggested counseling, which she's done before, but she thought I just didn't want to deal with her emotions (which was also sometimes true).

We dated for a year and then stayed friends for a long time after that. For the first couple of months we were friends with benefits, but I stopped that because I was afraid I was leading her on. Just before our last FWB encounter she told me she "would always love me as a friend" and that's why I shouldn't feel guilty. I took that very seriously since I don't make friends easily and we were really close. I considered her my best friend even after we stopped having sex. But I always knew she wanted to get back together.

Fast forward to about three months ago. I knew she was dating but she finally got serious with another guy. I, being an idiot who has trouble reading my own emotions, didn't deal well with it and told her I thought I still had feelings for her. She told me that we needed time apart to help me get over her. I've been in this situation before and "some time apart" turns into "I'll never speak to you again." And this was a week after I helped her move.

Since then I've seen pictures of her and her new bf -- her taking him to meet her family and going on vacations with him (I consider that pretty quick, but my opinion doesn't matter). I defriended her and all of her friends on FB because I can't handle seeing updates with her and her BF without getting incredibly hurt. I've sent her an email for Christmas just wishing her the best but I doubt she'll respond.

I understand through therapy and friends that I can't control her actions and that she's an ex, etc.. I've also been told that since she won't talk back to me that's a sign she still feels something too, but I'm trying not to read into her emotions. But I've always felt that because we were friends and especially because she said she would always love me as a friend that I'm particularly hurt (even though I know people say things they mean at the time but won't follow through with). I've been dating someone else and I'm not even sure I'd want to date my ex again. There's just this huge amount of hurt that I haven't been able to get rid of. And the uncertainty of knowing if we'll ever even talk to each other again makes it hard for me to move on properly.

Am I being unreasonable? Do I just need more time? And is there anything I can do to help this situation?

– Home Alone, Cambridge

Q: Meredith,

I'm hoping you and your readers can help me out. I was introduced to this girl, let's call her Emily, several months ago through one of my good friends, but not in an effort to set us up. What I've come to realize is that I like this girl. There is of course a complication -- I've suspected that she was dating someone else, "Jim."

Emily met Jim when they were freshman in college and they dated a while. Jim went abroad, and while he was gone, he and Emily broke up because she met someone else. She and that guy ended their relationship earlier this year. Everyone is now graduated and Emily and Jim have been spending a decent amount of time together. According to my friend, they started officially dating again two days ago.

The friend who introduced us has suggested that I tell Emily how I feel anyway. So now I need to decide whether I say anything to Emily about how I feel and let her know that there is someone other than Jim out there -- or say nothing.

Worth mentioning is that Jim is a jerk to people quite often, especially to Emily, and other people beside me notice this as well.

Part of me wants to tell her now because I have a habit of becoming friends with girls I like and getting stuck in the friend zone and I don't want this to happen with Emily. But another part of me says sit back and see what happens. I'm just tired of being too cautious around people and missing out on something good, but don't want to screw up by doing something stupid. Please help.

– Looking for Some Guidance, Western Mass.

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have recently ended a relationship with a wonderful guy. Let's call him Mr. Green. He was my stab at "green dating" (the recycling of ex-boyfriends) after my marriage of 15 years ended. Mr. G contacted me out of the blue via Facebook almost a year after my breakup and we reconnected there. We have spent the past 2+ years in a relationship that I knew was doomed from the start.

I was honest with him from the get-go. I am not interested in ever being married again or even living with another man. I enjoyed his company, he was great with my kids, but the same issues we had 20+years ago were still valid. We are just ultimately not compatible. He has never been married and has his own emotional issues. He's a wonderfully sensitive guy and I love him very much but love isn't enough.

I ended the relationship last year but accepted a friendship with him. It was infrequent visits at first but then it became a monthly thing. We became friends with benefits and I felt like we were back in the thick of it again. I wasn't feeling compelled to go out there and meet others, nor was he.

One of our major differences is that I am demonstrative of my feelings and he lives in an emotional straight jacket. I get why, but it doesn't make me want to stay with him. I have now ended it for good and this time there will be no "friendship." I still care for him, I am still alone and he is too. Seeing each other will end up only one way. It’s unproductive for both our lives.

He is hurt that I won't be his friend. He says it's unprogressive of me, someone who prides herself on being a liberal-minded person. Am I wrong to not try to just be his friend? Can lovers really be friends after such intimacy? More than the proverbial innocuous holiday email that some exes can share, I don't believe you can just be friends without that tension or those old feelings coming up. Maybe I just wear my feelings too outwardly? Maybe I should restrain my feelings like him. Or maybe we just can't be friends. What do you think?

– Green Dater, Boston

Q: Meredith, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me three months ago. We both knew the relationship was over, we just weren't feeling it anymore. We stopped hanging out on the weekends and only saw each other during the week or hungover on Sundays. He only wanted to hang out on his time. I enjoyed his company but it was more like he was a close friend than a boyfriend. The breakup itself was tragic. It was at a huge sporting event. He asked what we were doing, why we only see each other on the weeknights. I told him to stop and we'll talk about it later but he said he couldn't wait. He said he didn't want to lie and pretend like everything was OK. But why now? We had gone months unhappy.

Halfway through the event I left because he wouldn't stop talking about our dysfunctional relationship and he was breaking up with me. I've never been so upset in my life, I never lost it so bad, never cried so hard. I know I said I wasn't feeling the relationship either but it hurt so bad that he "beat me" and dumped me. Honestly, I didn't think it was going to happen that day, and I certainly didn't think he would be the one ending things.

After the break up I initiated a meet up because I needed closure. I hated how he ended things. Really, I should have just walked away and never talked to him again ... who dumps someone at a huge sporting event? And what kind of idiot (me) still talks to the guy? Anyway, fast forward to a month later and well we met up and I was stupid (we hooked up). I realized that I still had feelings for him and decided I couldn't see him, I realized I still needed to get over him. I started to ignore him but he’d text me stupid things like hey heard you ran into so and so and happy thanksgiving, etc. I've ignored all his texts. It’s awful. Sometimes I really want to hang out with him as a friend, which I know is so wrong given how he ended things and how he was disrespectful during the end of our relationship. I try and take the "500 Days of Summer" advice and just only think about the bad things.

His most recent communication was asking me why I'm ignoring him and saying that he would like to have a decent relationship and that he would like to know that we can be civil. Meredith, why am I still hurting? Why do I want to pick up the phone and ask him to just let it go or ask him to meet up for a friendly drink?

– Just let it be?, Boston

Q: I'm in my mid-20s and I recently ended my relationship with my girlfriend of six years. We lived together for several years but I recently moved to another state for work. There were problems outside of distance. I felt like I carried the entire relationship.

I'm ashamed to admit that before we broke up I cheated. My work sent me to another city (4 hours a way) for the month and I met someone who was also in a long relationship. We just clicked instantly and I've never had that sensation before. It started out as something physical, but it very quickly became something more. She told me she loved me and I said the same back. She said she's never felt this way about someone and that I taught her what it means to truly be in love. She said that I am the first person who's made her feel like part of a team and that I'm the first person she's ever liked cuddling with. We became very emotionally attached. I left town and we continued talking on the phone and texting daily. She even came up to visit and said she saw us having a future together.

I realized I needed to break up with my girlfriend -- I had been with the other woman for a month and my relationship was clearly over. The day before I was going to break up, this other woman phoned and said she was pregnant. She decided to end the pregnancy (a decision I agreed with) and I put my feelings aside to help her in any way I could. We still talked about how much we loved and cared for each other even while dealing with the pregnancy.

When this happened we both ended our respected relationships. It was difficult and she had a hard time dealing with the infidelity on her part. We talked a bit about what was going to happen next with us and she was confused and said she needed time but that she loved me so much. A week after the abortion she called and said that we shouldn't talk and that we both needed to move on. She said that I only reminded her of what happened and what we had before meant nothing. She said I have honestly never felt this way about anyone before, but all I represented was the abortion.

I am having such a hard time accepting this. I am really confused that over the course of two weeks I could go from the love of someone's life to meaning absolutely nothing to them. The pregnancy and the abortion were hard on me and I will never know what it must have been like for her, but I still love this person dearly and still see a future with her. I don't want to just jump into another relationship, but I feel like I shared a lot (albeit briefly) with this other woman and wish we could communicate and work through this. I don't know why she just completely gave up on me and wants me totally out of her life.

– Sorry for the long letter, Massachusetts

Q: Meredith,

I have never done something like this but I feel lost. I broke up with my boyfriend of a few years a little while ago. We both still love each other but we couldn't manage to make a relationship function. We both have very different personalities and struggled with communication since the very start. It was a mutual break up; we both realized that the relationship was not what we wanted. We want to stay friends in the long run.

I have come to terms with the fact that we were not working as a couple and it was both our faults. The issue is something deeper though. I still have guilt because of my actions in the relationship.

When we first started dating, I cheated on my boyfriend while extremely drunk. My friends had to tell me it happened because I didn't remember a thing. I have never felt so horrible and disgusted with myself. I told my boyfriend, and he forgave me, and I thought we had moved on.

Fast-forward a year and I spent a semester abroad in a different country. I still had problems controlling my drinking, and again I found myself cheating on my boyfriend while drunk. I couldn't believe myself and felt incredibly guilty. I still do. Since then I have gained control of my drinking, and I have been focused on improving myself.

The thing is that I never told my boyfriend (or I guess now ex) that I cheated on him while abroad. I feel like since then I have become a different, more controlled, and more loyal person. I almost feel like it wasn't me who cheated, but my evil twin. I do eventually want to get back together with him once we work out our differences, but I can't handle the guilt that I have for cheating on him. I struggle to sleep at night and I feel like I need to tell him. I don't know if this is the right approach at all or if I should just let it be. HELP!!!

– Cheating Chick, Chicago

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a 30-year-old woman who has been married before. My ex-husband was obsessed with video games and basically chose to play them instead of spending any time with me. A few years ago I finally got a divorce and left the situation.

After going on dates here and there, I eventually met my current boyfriend, "Jay," through mutual friends and I felt instantly attracted to him. We started dating and have been together for over two years now. Things have been up and down. We've briefly split up a few times, but things have been great lately and I love him more than anything.

Here comes the problem: We both struggle with depression. Mine is seasonal, while his is sporadic and seems to be more severe. He tends to go through fits of depression where he will sleep all the time. Lately he's been sleeping or playing video games instead of wanting to spend time with me. The problem is that he doesn't realize that it's as bad as it is. When I've gotten upset and said that I feel like I haven't spent much time with him, he thinks I'm being over-dramatic. The other problem is that he hasn't been as attracted to me as he was just a few months ago. He says it's just because he's depressed, but yesterday he said that it's because he's bored with me and doesn't feel like being physical. I asked him if it would always be this way -- because I can't live like that ... so now I'm at an impasse.

At what point does me being understanding and wanting to wait it out through this fit of depression turn into me being a doormat and letting him walk all over me? It's genuinely wearing on me and now I am feeling depressed as well. I love him more than anything and always want to be with him in the future, but is there a future if he doesn't even want to sleep with me anymore?

– Beyond Depressed, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

Daily reader. Love you and the commenters. Just a little lost at the moment and was hoping you all could point me in a direction ... any direction.

I'm a smart, attractive (at least *I* think so), almost-30-year-old gal who hasn't had the most luck in love. I've been single for the past year and half (healing from an ugly break-up: destroyed my self-esteem, etc.). I tried online dating over the summer and after a string of film-worthy nightmare dates, decided against really trying to find love. I should clarify: I'm in the midst of applying to return to school next fall (nowhere in Mass.), and I felt I should probably focus more on that.

Of late an old boyfriend from half a decade ago (let's call him Ike) has re-surfaced. Ike is 6 years my senior and extremely charming. We shared a brief, volatile few months together years ago. But we're very, very different. He's immature, very wealthy, and has had a lot handed to him. I have always worked really hard for every position I've ever had, and part of our volatility simply came from this fundamental difference.

Anyway, every year or so, back comes Ike. Charming as ever and throwing all sorts of inappropriate comments at me about how he's thought about me so much over the years, how I'm one of the most intelligent, opinionated, strong people he's ever met, and how he wants to be "in my life in some way." Yet he often flakes if we make plans, typically initiated by me in the first place. He's evasive and resistant to any real connection. Each time he's done this I’ve told him (diplomatically, of course) to [expletive] off. I've explained that I don't like, nor do I wish to engage in superficial relationships with anyone, much less an ex I have such a strange history with. The most recent occurrence of this was just a few months ago over the summer. Usually after I tell him to leave me alone, he does so. For awhile at least. Yet he just popped back up last week and acted completely surprised by my wariness. And in that conversation it also came up that he'd ended a relationship over the summer -- a relationship he never bothered to mention when he reappeared in June (Shocking. No wonder you contacted me ...).

Meredith, help. I'm in this strange limbo where I'm just really frustrated and lonely and trying to be satisfied with a future that still seems so far away. So I can feel myself drawn to the attention from Ike. But I know at the end of the day, I can't and shouldn't trust this person's intentions (whatever they might be). Any suggestions what to do?

– Lost!, Somerville

Q: I'm a man in his mid to late 20s who has made some mistakes in his life. In my early 20s, I treated women like they were conquests. I realized what I was doing when I was 23, felt guilt, and buried myself in a not-so-great three-year relationship (I was treated like a doormat until I walked away). I have spent some serious time thinking about one girl in particular who I met before I was in that relationship.

I met this particular woman when we were freshmen in college and I instantly fell in love with her. The problem was that I was a "grass is always greener" guy back then. For five years she and I dated on and off until I officially ended it. She saw what was good in me. She always saw past my bravado and would keep me in check. We haven't spoken in 3 years and I want to reach out to her. Not because I instantly think we should get back together but because I sincerely want to apologize. I have lived with this guilt for years now because I know in my heart that I should have stuck with her. I also know that I screwed her up emotionally. I believe people can change and I know that I have.

Do you think it would be a bad idea for me to reach out an apologize after three years of no contact? Eventually we will cross paths because we have mutual friends who have weddings coming up. I know with my luck we will be seated at the same table because our friends have sick senses of humors and always loved us together. What should I do?

– Time Changes, CT

Q: Dear Meredith,

Does my girlfriend still like her ex?

My girlfriend and I have been together for 18 months. Not only is this is longest relationship of my life (I'm in my mid-20s), but it is also the most fulfilling. We get along incredibly well, have tremendous chemistry, and our sex life is great.

One thing that concerned me early on in our relationship was the connection she maintained with her ex-boyfriend. They were living together for a year and then had a very emotional breakup (he cheated on her and she kicked him out). We started our relationship shortly after, so I'm not sure if she was able to get full closure on that relationship.

After a few months of dating, she was very honest with me about meeting up with her ex occasionally for coffee in order to "catch up." I tried being supportive and never voiced my concerns, but one night I looked at her cell phone and noticed that they were having open conversations about their relationship and where it all went wrong. This obviously made me very upset but I never said anything. I was worried that she would not forgive me for looking at her phone. I told her that I didn't want her meeting with him anymore for coffee and she obliged.

I thought this was the end of it, figured she just needed to lay her cards on the table and get closure, but it was not. Recently she left her email open on my computer and I ran a search for any dialogue between her and her ex. Needless to say, I found a lot of correspondence.

She has never written anything to him along the lines of "I still like you, I still have feelings for you, I think we should get back together, etc." But she does bring up a lot of nostalgic memories like "remember that time…" or "I heard this song and it made me think of you, etc." Also, I noticed that she is always the one reaching out to him or messaging him, not the other way around. It appears they have a conversation at least once a month and there is usually some reference to their previous relationship.

I love this girl with all of my heart and she expresses the same feelings toward me, but I just don't know what to make of this. Am I being a chump? Is it all innocent post-relationship behavior? Will she forgive me for invading her privacy? We are set to move in together in a few months so I need to figure out what to do as soon as possible. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

– Concerned Boyfriend, Boston

Q: I am engaged to a wonderful man who is most certainly the love of my life. My problem is not my current relationship; it is anger about my past relationship.

My high school boyfriend was my first love. We broke up but continued to date after we went to college, finally ending our relationship and cutting off all contact during my sophomore year. I dated someone else semi-seriously, but when that ended I found myself thinking about my ex more and more. Even though we hadn't spoken in more than a year, I was convinced that I was still in love with him. I made it my mission to get him back after I graduated. We ran into each other "accidentally" (on purpose on my part) and made plans to see each other. After some liquid courage that evening, I confessed to him that I was in love with him and we slept together. He was leaving on a trip the next day but told me that he would be back soon and that we would see each other again. After not hearing from him for several weeks, I called, only to have a casual conversation in which he did not mention our night together, or anything about us seeing each other again. I was devastated.

About a month later, my fiance finally asked me out on a first date. I said yes, if only because I knew that I needed to move on, and because there had always been an attraction (I knew my fiance through friends). I fell head over heels in love with him, and years later, we are engaged to be married next year.

I've only see my ex three times since my current relationship began. They were all awkward run-ins that included a meal that he initiated when he was near my workplace. During that lunch, he told me that he still knew who I was -- because people don't change. The rage that I had worked hard to suppress came bubbling up again when I realized he had never mentioned that one night or apologized for how he acted.

I don't think that I have a working phone number for him now, and beyond an email address and a Facebook friendship I don't have any way of contacting him, but I am still royally ticked off. I feel like I was taken advantage of. I feel used. I feel like he did a bad thing and has never had the guts to apologize for it.

This is not a fear of missing out letter; I am certain that I am engaged to the right man for me. I just don't want to bring these negative feelings into my marriage. I want to find a way to get over them so that I never have to think about my ex again. Sometimes when I'm at the gym, I find myself imagining what I would say to him to get through an extra mile on the treadmill and I leave enraged and wishing for resolution. I don't want to be angry anymore. Should I contact him and tell him how wrong I think his actions were? Is there anything that I can do to get over my anger?

– Sick of Being Angry, New York

Q: I've been in a relationship with "Kevin" for about two years. We're both in our late thirties/early forties. I love the time I spend with him. We travel a lot and spend time with my young child and his young kids. Our lives have merged nicely together over the last year or so -- family dinners with the kids, vacations, the whole nice family scene. So when Kevin asked my child and me to move in with him and his kids, it only seemed natural. He suggested we buy a house together.

But I'm having second thoughts. He says he's not ready to get married. His first marriage ended in a very bad divorce. I sense that he's gun-shy about doing it again. I get that. My divorce was no picnic either.

My big concern is that he'll never be "ready." It recently occurred to me that people don't stay around his life for very long. The people that have been around more than a few years are either colleagues -- or high school buddies who like to hang out at his really nice house. People stick around if there's a financial aspect to the relationship.

It's the people he knows on a purely social level that seem to disappear after a while -- neighbors, parents of his kids' friends, etc. If they just faded away naturally, I wouldn't be so concerned, but at least three former friends have told him off about something and angrily stopped talking to him -- all of them women. From the stories his kids tell, it seems that these people used to spend a lot of time with them – birthdays, weekend trips, etc. I've asked him what happened, and the explanation always centers on some minor disagreement. He can't understand why the person would "overreact" like they do and then he claims the person is "crazy." I haven't met any of these people and I don't know enough about the arguments to know if these people are crazy or not, but it's weird for it to happen over and over again.

I also have reservations about his divorce. He still refers to his ex-wife by a derogatory nickname -- even in front of the kids. He'll tell anyone who listens that the divorce was all her fault. He also has no explanation for why she left other than "she's crazy." Then he will go on and on about everything he did for her and how he couldn't understand why she wouldn't be happy. My husband left me, too, and it took me by surprise, but years later I have some insight into how our marriage broke down. Kevin has no insights like that at all. It's all very strange and uncomfortable and I'm not convinced he's over her.

This leads me to wonder if he's capable of a stable, long-term relationship with anyone, especially a woman. Our relationship seems wonderful. He and I and our kids have a nice life going here. Am I the next "crazy" person to leave in a huff or should I stop worrying about it? Should I move in with him and see how it goes or insist on a marriage proposal?

– Am I The Next Crazy One?, Massachusetts

Q: Hi Mere,

The short summary of my question is: How do I indicate to a lady friend that I'm no longer interested in her? My situation is complicated because (a) I previously did indicate that I had an interest in her but was unavailable (I was responding to her asking me out); and (b) the way she's acting right now is why I'm no longer interested. She seems to be making bad life choices.

The background: We worked together and became friends. We're in our 40s and have similar interests. She is divorced.

When she first expressed an interest in me, it was probably because I was showing new signs that I was single. I was flattered that she showed interest in me and told her so, but explained that I was still married and would be for a while for many reasons. I feel I made the mistake of agreeing with her assessment that "it was too bad, because we both seemed very compatible."

We remained friends and while we continued to talk, I didn't notice anything different or troubling about our interactions. I also got the impression that she had started to see someone -- and I was happy for her. Meanwhile, I did start my divorce proceedings and moved away from my wife.

The potential complication is that a mutual friend recently informed me that my friend is wondering what she should do about her current guy now that I'm "available." I'm thinking "Nice ... but wow, what if I was in his shoes? That wouldn't be nice.” This also tells me that another invitation from her is headed my way.

To complicate this, I've learned from friends that they really feel I ought to stay as far away from her as I can. Apparently, she has dated a married man we both know. This has since been confirmed to me.

My assessment is that this woman might be going through a big rebound phase. I think that she'll come back to earth eventually and be somewhat the same person I liked as a friend -- and maybe a potential partner. I can take the high road and say, "I've met someone else, sorry...," which is a downright lie. Or I can tell the truth and say, "I was very concerned seeing you date inappropriate people and that's just not the type of person I'd like to start a new relationship with."

So have at it advice givers. Give me some food for thought. I'll make up my own mind, but how would "you" handle this if you were in my shoes and you received a re-invitation?

– How do I handle this?, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am reeling emotionally from what appears to be the end of what could have been a great relationship.

I met this great guy, Kenneth, six months ago. A mutual friend set us up. I was attracted to him instantly. None of that, "Should I go out on a second or third date to see if there's chemistry?" There was chemistry for both us. I'm in my mid-30s. He just turned 40.

We started dating and things were going very well. He was busy with his job (which involves a lot of travel) so we didn't see each other much. He told me up front that he was looking to date and to get serious but that his job took priority. I've always been attracted to men with unusual jobs. I wasn't fazed by his career at all.

About a month ago, 10 days went by without a phone call or email from Kenneth. I finally sent him an email asking if things were okay. I was really anxious when I didn't immediately hear back from him. He was always good about emailing me frequently.

Well, I heard back from him a few days later and it wasn't anything I had ever expected. He said he had just found out a week ago that a girl he had slept with a month before meeting me was pregnant with his child -- and keeping the baby. What's worse is that she waited months to tell him, so (in her words, he says) he wouldn't pressure her into terminating the pregnancy.

I was sick at this news, and then sicker when he told me he had his "hands full" and couldn't see me anymore. One expects to get dumped from time to time but not like this.

(As an aside, I know he didn't cheat on me. After our first date he was out of the country for weeks.)

While I get that Kenneth has had a huge life change, I can't help but feel like I still have a place his life and him in mine. Am I crazy to think this? It was unfair of him to shut me out. Our budding relationship was full of great chemistry, laughter, deep conversation. In other words, it felt right to me.

I need to know: Can our relationship recover? He is going to be a new father in a few months with a woman he basically barely knows. Where do I fit in? Do I fit in? If I don't fit in, how does one recover from a baby mama drama such as this? Am I kidding myself? Either way, what do I now?

– This Worked Out for Gisele, Right?, Wrentham

Q: Hi Meredith. This might be a question more for a therapist than for Love Letters, but I love this column and would like to hear the wisdom and experience of the peanut gallery.

I'm suffering through my first heartbreak -- a bit later than most people, but I'm still quite young. I had a wall up (my friends called it the Anti-Man Forcefield) for a long time, but my ex managed to crash through it and sweep me off my feet. It was my first relationship, first time, first love -- and the first person I'd ever dared let my guard down with. We were together for well over a year. It would hurt that it's over no matter what, but I'm devastated because in the end he cheated on me.

I'm having difficulty coping. I have cut off all contact and tossed all mementos, I'm keeping busy and exercising, I'm spending time with friends and family, but at the end of the day I am still the crying mess that I was two months ago when it ended. I feel like a zombie trudging along. I'm still in love with him. When does it get better?

Friends tell me that in order to get over a man, you need to get under another one. That idea is so depressing to me. Are we supposed to just hop from person to person, trying to fill whatever hole the last one left? For me, that's no way to love. That's no way to live.

I wasn't expecting to marry this man, but I thought I would at least ultimately walk away from the relationship believing in love. Now that I have been betrayed, I don't know what to believe. How do you trust someone again? I don't know what positive lessons to take away from this relationship. I feel like it all just serves to reinforce my former determination to not let anyone it.

How do you people do it? How do you move on? How on Earth does anyone subject themselves to more than one of these? Are you all crazy or am I?

– Zombified, New England

Q: Hi Meredith,

My girlfriend of 2.5 years and I recently broke up. We broke up for what seemed like very good reasons. We didn't get to see each other at all, we were in different places in our lives, etc. We parted ways on good terms and I felt great about it ... at the time.

Now that we've been apart for a month, I've had some new perspective. One of the reasons we broke up was that she refused to put any effort into our relationship. We didn't spend time together because she would only hang out when it was convenient for her. I spent every weekend at her place with her friends and she would never spend time with mine.

I also recently went through a severe health scare in my family, which took up a lot of my time. The only way I was going to get to see her during this ordeal was if she went out of her way to visit me. She didn't.

Flash forward to last week and I find out she is dating one of her "close guy friends." After one month! On top of that, her friends were saying things like "Finally!" and "It's about time!" on her Facebook wall. The short turnaround is what ultimately made all of this anger bubble to the surface.

I'm angry, Meredith. I'm angry about our one-sided relationship, I'm angry that she wasn't there for me during a time of need, and I'm angry that her friends, who I thought were mine as well, were smiling to my face while rooting for us to break up so that she could be with someone else.

My question is: How do I discuss this with her without it dissolving into a giant mess? She was a huge part of my life for a long time and I don't believe in keeping emotions like this inside. Any help you and the Love Letters community can give me on this would be most appreciated.

– Lost in Cambridge

Q: Dear Meredith,

I'm not really sure what to do, and since it involves love, I thought I'd give you and your readers a try.

In the mid-2000s, I dated a very nice man, "Noel," who was great, just not a good fit. I was the one who ended it, but we both saw it coming, and while it was painful, we were both OK with it.

I have since started dating "Ben," who I've known for a long time. Noel met a nice woman and got married. Good for them.

The problem is Noel's wife. Noel and I don't talk much, but we know each other's major life changes. We are friends on Facebook (and here's where it's about to get icky). Noel recently posted that he finished a long race. I knew he'd been working up to it for a while, so I commented my congratulations. Nothing inappropriate.

When I got up the next morning, I had a Facebook message from Mrs. Noel. It was not nice. "Don't talk to my husband!" was just one of the choice phrases.

I am tempted to tell my ex that his wife is crazy, but that feels like tattling. On the other hand, I would want to know if my significant other was doing something like that.

– Should I Say Something?, Boston

Q: I have been a notorious failure in relationships most of my life, always building a wall or finding someone who is emotionally unavailable. However, this past year I have been through some serious trauma with the death of a close family member and a few friends leaving me behind during this difficult time. This created major trust issues and multiple insecurities.

For the past few months, I have been seeing a new guy, who is great. He claims to not want to have a label or be in a "relationship," but his actions say otherwise. He goes out of his way to do little things for me to show that he appreciates me and I don't feel as if he is out trying to find someone better. We have been bickering lately because I am beginning to think that it is only a matter of time before he walks out on me, too.

I know that I feel this way because I have experienced so much loss lately that I am now sort of just expecting it. If some people who were in my life for years can just give up on someone at their weakest moment, how can I not be afraid that this guy will do the same? He tells me that he isn't going anywhere, but these days, my gut trusts no one.

I don't know what to do to fix this. I truly want things to work with him, as he is the only thing that has made me happy, but I don't know how to relax and shut my mouth to prevent pushing him away...???

– Abandoned, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am a mid-30s woman, former Boston resident. I've been dating, on and off, a very good man for about two years. Neither of us has ever been married, no children, and we both are interested in families. And although my clock is ticking, I have not turned insane yet.

"Billy" is a wonderful guy. Steadily employed, good work ethic, he cleans and cooks, he loves children, and he loves me. I have not always been good to him and have struggled with many of his perceived faults. We are very different in many ways. I have college education while he never finished school. I cut drugs and alcohol out of my life, and while he would like to do the same, he’s struggling with it, which has prevented us from living together. I love reading. He can't read two paragraphs without falling asleep, and he's like "Pootie Tang" (We never knew what he was saying, but we always knew what he meant.) I am not tied to my current area (my family is still in Massachusetts) whereas he seems hesitant to leave. Despite all this, our relationship works on multiple levels.

I have struggled with broken hearts from several men over the course of my life. The men I loved left me and it took years to get over them. But I thought they were everything, made my life interesting, fun, with purpose, and I still think of my last "love" as being my soul mate or something, even though we were only together for a short time. I still miss him and think "what if ..." despite how fruitless and crazy that is.

I can't seem to shake the whole fantasy man. Like if I just accept Billy, I am missing out on the person I am truly meant to be with. Believe me, I know Billy is a gift and I have always thought he was the perfect man, but for somebody else. Every day I try to appreciate the stability, the fact that this man puts up with my teenage-like expectation of what "love" is as he lays next to me and watches six hours of a “My So-Called Life” marathon. He has so many fine qualities.

I've dated. I've been alone. I have hobbies and friends. I've done it all (I feel like). Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Why don't I want to give up on my fantasy life? It's so beautiful and terribly painful. I've tried to let him go to find somebody who will love him better than me. Am I an extreme example of this generation of women who want the unattainable??

– Living in a Fantasy World, Out of Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am in a serious long-distance relationship that has been going great. My boyfriend lives out of state -- where he has to stay for a year because of work -- and I live in the Boston area. We see each other every two weeks and so far everything is perfect ... except one thing. He has a stage five clinger ex-girlfriend.

He dated this ex-girlfriend for a few years more than five years ago. She moved out of state and they have been "pen pals" for some time now. When we were planning his recent move, she got very inquisitive about the details. It made me uncomfortable so I suggested that he tell her about us. He sent her a nice email saying he had met someone and that it was pretty serious. She went bonkers. Emailing, calling, texting, the works. She claimed she just wanted to make sure he was happy and even asked to see a picture of the two of us. Long story short, it all came to a head this summer. She was calling and texting nonstop even though he asked her to stop, and she and I got into it.

While it wasn't my place to get involved, he was very uncomfortable with how strong she came on and he isn't confrontational. I asked her nicely to give us some space and she was very angry and told me it wasn't over between them. He cut off all communication with her but she still emails. I am worried that her threats about coming to claim him are going to come to fruition. I would not have minded they remained friends, in fact -- one of my best friends is my first love. But she is clearly still in love with my boyfriend. My boyfriend thinks we should continue to ignore her but I'm afraid she is losing it. Her emails sound more and more desperate and I am getting nervous. She doesn't threaten bodily harm, just goes on and an on about the past and that he owes her an explanation. She sounds a little crazy to be honest. Please send me some advice.

– You Can't Cure Crazy, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

A married friend of mine (yes, this truly is a friend) in his early 30s confided in me more than a year ago that he's bisexual and that he had recently told his wife. She was a little blindsided, seeing as how they had been together for a long time, but she was very supportive. He realized that it would be tough having to suppress a side of him that he's never truly been able to explore, but he acknowledged that he wanted to make his marriage work.

When the topic came up between us, he always had indicated that the situation was going well and that he wasn't worried about the future. But soon enough, he and his wife told our group of friends that they were getting a divorce. They maintain that they are best friends and that there are no hard feelings, but it is a devastating situation for both of them. For financial reasons, they'll be staying in the same place for a while, which in my opinion isn't such a good idea. My wife and I are very close with both of them, as are all of our mutual friends.

I would appreciate some advice on how we (me, my friend, his wife, our group of friends, etc.) support this major change in our close friends' lives and make it easier for him and
his (soon to be ex-)wife to move forward. One issue that we (friends) have run into is deciding how soon to try to set either of these people up on dates or introduce them to other singles that we know. And while the friends have not taken a side, we have all agreed that if the ex-husband decides that he does in fact want to be with a woman after he tries dating men, and if that woman isn't his soon-to-be ex-wife, then more than a few of our female friends are going to be pretty angry with him.

– Looking to be supportive, Mass.

Q: Hello,

First time writer, long time reader! A few years ago I was in a relationship with a young man. This relationship was anything but healthy and rewarding. It was tumultuous, depressing, and isolating at times. The chaos was caused by both of us. We were both immature and wanted attention in any fashion. I turned into a person I didn't recognize and it was just bad all over. Eventually we lost contact and continued down separate paths. I was informed that he moved out of state and fell off the map.

Several days ago a friend told me that he is back in town. I am very happily married and living a very fulfilling life. From what I hear he is, too. I am very happy for him but am compelled to tell him this. I have been debating whether or not to contact him just to see how he has been and to let him know that I am happy for him. I am happy that he is no longer in that dark place. Do I contact him to say congratulations on all the good things we should be grateful for? Or do I leave it alone and pretend like he doesn't exist?

– Just want to say hi!, Mass.

Q: Hi Meredith,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. It was mostly mutual and we agree that we need some serious time apart. The problem is that we have the same group of friends. My best girlfriend has become his best friend as well. My boyfriend and I broke up about almost a year ago, then got back together, and finally broke up again. While we were apart before, I had a lot of trouble dealing with my friend hanging around him all the time and not being more supportive of me. Whenever I cry on her shoulder, now or then, she is fully supportive of me, saying how wrong he was and how he didn't treat me right and he doesn't know how to compromise. Then she turns around and is his best friend.

They spend a lot of time together, alone and with a group. I admit that I am completely jealous, and though I know that there is absolutely nothing romantic going on at all, I hate that they are so close. I feel like I can't trust her as a best friend who tells me he's the jerk while she remains best friends with him. My friends feel like I can't ask them to choose between us -- we are all friends -- however I feel like she owes more to me since I was the one dumped (the first breakup at least), we've been friends longer, and we're both females. She feels that she is an equal friend to both of us and that means hanging out with whoever calls her first and that sort of thing.

She is having a party at her house and claims that it's inappropriate of me to ask her not to invite him. It's only been two weeks since we broke up, and I went away both weekends to give everyone space. I now want to spend time with my friends and not have him around since he had that opportunity the last two weeks. My friends think I'm asking too much, my family thinks I'm right to expect her to be more on my side. I want an impartial opinion.

– Lonely, Massachusetts

Q: "Gus" and I were together for four years and broke up at the beginning of this year. I still love him, haven't felt a connection like that with anyone else, but we had plenty of ups and downs over the course of the relationship. The last couple of months prior to the breakup were worse than usual with more fighting and bickering. This was partly due to stress from my work in school and the fact that I felt like he didn't include me very often in his social plans. Of course, I acknowledge I was to blame, as well. We did not live together. He's 30, I'm 29. We both had plans for marriage and kids.

There was a moment of infidelity on my part, which was the reason for the breakup. I never tried to justify it, but I was truly ashamed and wanted to work on things. I ultimately respected his wishes and we parted ways. I tried my best to move on, finally going on a few dates, surrounding myself with a few close friends, but I had a hard time getting over him, still missing him very much. About two months after breaking up, he contacted me (via email) stating that he was seeing someone but that he continued to think about us. We agreed to meet up for coffee and we were able to laugh together and talk about the good times. We didn't discuss the elephants in the room -- infidelity or his girlfriend -- but from then on we texted constantly, phoned a few times, and would make occasional plans to get together for dinner/movies. Most recently we became physical, with him initiating the first move.

He has said he doesn't want to be pressured into a decision about me because he doesn't want to get back into a situation where we would be unhappy again. This whole time I never pressured him. But I finally made it clear that for everyone involved, he needs to make up his mind as I can't continue to put my life on hold while he decides what he wants. It most certainly isn't fair to her. He indicated to me that he had some commitments with her he felt he had to honor but remained vague about the details and would not give me a specific time frame.

At this point, I feel like he's just appeasing me by saying he needs more time and I wonder whether he has any intention of ending things with her. Do I have the right to insist that he immediately break it off with her if he's serious about us? Should I cease communication altogether until his decision is made? Should I just walk away even though deep down I want us to be together?

– Tired of Waiting, Boston

Q: I'm an early 30s guy who tried out a dating site years ago. The first person I met was the cool girl, we'll call her Miranda. She was finishing up her master's while teaching and I was already working full time. We seemed good for each other, went on dates, hung out, enjoyed the company. For whatever reason, it didn't work out. We were never "official" so nothing really ended. We've stayed in touch through email/text/FB throughout. She moved out of state and has been with a guy on and off. Meanwhile, I went back on the dating site and the next girl I met is the one I am now engaged to.

Recently, Miranda and I had a sort of soul cleansing text-a-thon (we had both been out drinking) where we both opened up about feelings that never really got put out there five years ago. She regrets that we didn't keep at our budding relationship and I have always regretted the same thing.

I love my fiance and nothing would turn me away from her. This isn't a morality question, i.e., "What should I do, stay or try with Miranda?"

This is a human dilemma of how do I get Miranda out of my head, because despite my love for my fiance, the "what if?" with Miranda is always present.

– Reading my Miranda Rights, South of Boston

Q: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four months and I'm a little confused. The background is that I am 23 years old and have only had one relationship before this one, and it probably was emotionally damaging. I met this latest guy on a dating website and we seemed to click instantly, which was rare for me. However things began to move too fast and I expressed that to him. After about a month we got into an awful fight because he had some serious jealousy issues. We moved past it, but then, two months later, we broke up because he became jealous of my male friends. We somehow worked it through but I made it clear if he continued being jealous, I couldn't stick around.

Recently he began arguing with me more and more, saying stuff to intentionally hurt me. I just decided to end it because he made me unhappy more than he made me happy. Now, a few days after the break up, I am already talking to someone else and feel guilty. I feel like I should be upset or need to process my feelings but I literally feel no remorse. I don't want people thinking I'm a heartless person but I think the relationship meant a lot more to him than it did to me. I have nothing to "get over" and I haven't cried. All I feel is relief.

I guess my only question is: How long should I wait to start dating again? Because I'm literally ready to start ASAP but I don't want to be viewed as heartless. What's wrong with me?

– Not heartless, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

My girlfriend of 6 months is smart, kind, and sensitive, but is also "best friends" with her ex. They were together 13 years. He came out as gay 2-and-a-half years ago, they split, and he moved to another country. But they maintain a joint bank account (it's not her only bank account) and their joint belongings are still in storage. She has traveled to visit him 3 times since the breakup (for 3 weeks at a stint, most recently last fall) and slept with him each night (just cuddling, she says) during those visits. That was before she and I dated. When I asked why she slept with him, she said "it was a given." She concedes that since she was 21 (she is now in her mid-30s) she has slept with him whenever they have been in the same city. I recently learned that they Skype/IM almost every day and have done so since I've known her and before.

This month he moves to NYC, where we live. He assumed he would stay with her upon his return (though he knows about me). He actually said, "As soon as I get to your place from the airport I'll have to take a shower." She told him no and promises me that when he returns she will no longer sleep/cuddle with him. Though she says they do continue to "have an intimate emotional relationship" and she wants to hang out with him when he returns, alone, have him over her place, and even share ownership of her dog with him (they had the dog when they used to live together).

I will take her out for her birthday late this month, but the next day, a Saturday, she wants a birthday picnic with friends, including the ex. She said that it's OK if I don't want to go (I've told her I don't want to meet him), but she cannot exclude him (for my comfort) because without him the picnic would be "ruined" (as he is part of her established group of friends). I made a mental note, "OK without me; ruined without him. Check."

Yes, he's gay and I supply the physical part of the relationship, but I feel our relationship is behind the curve emotionally. I don't want him taking any part of that emotional role appropriate to a couple, and I believe that is exactly what is happening. She has not let go of him as the term "breakup" suggests, and so he is crowding the emotional space properly reserved to a romantic couple.

I think that she should stop her daily communications, shouldn't hang out with him when he moves to NYC, and that she really shouldn't even have him at her birthday picnic. If you have a romantic relationship with someone and cease only the sex, but maintain all the other emotional bonds, have you really broken up and moved on? And is that fair to the new boyfriend? What should I do?

– Hetero Joe

Q: My fiance and I just called off our wedding and I don't know if I should stay with him.

Background: I am a mid-20s professional working in Boston, he's in his early 30s and was in the military. We've been together for over 5 years. We've been through a lot together including long-distance. He's the first person I've dated that I really thought I could marry. We started having problems a few months ago when we moved in together. Once a loving, affectionate person, he became distant and cold. We didn't talk much (unless we were arguing) and all of a sudden I felt like I didn't know this person I've been with for so long. I tried many times to talk about what was bothering him, but we never really got anywhere. We both realized there was a problem, but didn't know what to do. I suggested counseling and we started going.

Finally he tells me that he's unsure about getting married. He's afraid that things will continue the way they've been for the last few months and we'll end up getting divorced. (Honestly, I've had the same nagging fear, but truly believed that we could work through this tough time together.) He says it's not me, but his own fears that are causing him to feel this way. After a lot of talking, we both decided that we should not get married this fall like we had planned. Of course I'm devastated, but I'm also relieved that this has come out now rather than later.

I stayed for a while and we tried to work on things, but I ended up moving out of our house. He had become really resistant in counseling and didn't want to try any of the things the counselor suggested. I felt like he had completely given up on us. I was so frustrated that I had to take myself out of the situation, even though it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I am still in need of help though, because now he's decided he wants to work it out. He has completely changed his tune, saying that it was a huge mistake to let me go and he'll do anything to fix it. I really do love him but is it healthy for me to stay with him? Or should I try to move on with my life? It's true that I've been unhappy for the past few months, even miserable at times, but for years we were smitten together. Is it possible for us to ever get back there again?

– Should I stay or Should I Go, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am a 30-year-old female (divorced, no children). I experienced some tough things growing up, which made my high school years difficult (I won't get into it because I want to remain unidentifiable, but my high school years were bad for my self-esteem). I met my husband when I was a freshman in college. We married when I was in my mid-20s and then moved to Texas in search of a cheaper and warmer way of life. We were homesick and lonely, and the experience drove us apart instead of bringing us together. Even before that, we had a pretty depressing and unexciting relationship. I thought that we worked well because we didn't fight very much. What I didn't realize was that there was almost nothing (no emotion, no feeling, no passion, no love) between us.

After starting my new job in Texas, I became entangled in an affair with "Brad." When I started this new job, Brad was extremely persistent in pursuing me. Brad and I had a mutual attraction and friendship, and he was very clear that he wanted more with me (for example: asking if he could touch me, making comments about my body or looks, etc.). He was married with a son and 10 years older than me. By nature I am shy and reserved, especially with men, but I could only resist his extremely forward advances for so long. Before I knew it, I relented and let down my guard. We talked and emailed all the time, went out for lunches, drinks after work, etc. He was funny, strong, caring and supportive of me. I fell madly in love with him and started one of the worst periods of my life. As anyone who has been in love with a married man/woman probably knows, an affair is isolating, heart-breaking, guilt-inducing, self-esteem lowering, etc. I couldn't handle the guilt, the stress, the secrets, or the sadness, and tried to break if off with him unsuccessfully many times. Somehow, even though I felt guilty about the affair, I had become completely dependent on him and I honestly felt incapable of living without him in my life. I always knew that the only way I'd be able to break if off permanently was if I left the job where we both worked.

Last year, I set 3 goals for myself: talk to my husband about our depressing marriage, leave my job, and end my affair for good. I am happy to report that I accomplished all 3 goals by the end of the year. My husband agreed we didn't have much of a marriage and we have since divorced. I found a new job that I love. I told Brad that we could not have any contact, and that I was going to live my life thinking of our relationship as dead and that we would never have a future together. After millions of tears and countless self-help books, I turned a corner and started feeling stronger than I have ever felt in my life. I was amazed at my capacity to live on my own, to build my own life, and find my own happiness by rediscovering the things I love to do. I even slowly started dating for the first time in my life and have been having a great time.

Recently, Brad came back into my life and told me that he and his wife are getting divorced. He thought that I would immediately run back into his arms and was shocked when I didn't. I was not ready to leave all of the happiness I had worked so hard to build on my own behind. He started texting and emailing me constantly, crying, and pressuring me to go back to him. He has said some pretty hurtful things in this time period as he has tried to convince me to go back to him (no lie, one of his many emails was how he has met somebody else at work who makes him feel the way I used to, so that if I don't go back to him now, I'll never have the chance again).

I feel as though I’m at a crossroads right now. Part of me wants to leave Brad behind and continue building my life without him in it. The other part of me remembers how much we loved each other during those two years and is scared to lose out on this opportunity of being together that we had dreamed about for so long. He has told me that this is the only chance we will ever have where we are both single and available for a real relationship, and if I don't take it, there will never be hope for a happy future again.

Wise Meredith and readers, which path should I choose? Do I continue living on my own with the hope I will eventually find a love like him again, or should I give the two of us a real chance?

– Torn, Texas

Q: Eight months ago I called off an engagement with a man I'd started dating very young and had been with for many years. As we grew into adults, we became very different people. While there was nothing inherently wrong with the relationship, I realized I had become complacent and wasn't happy. (And around this time I actually reached out to a few LL lovelies off-blog, maybe they'll remember me!)

Post-break up, I think I've been doing pretty well. I had been living way out in the 'burbs, and am now in a great apartment near the city. I've been running and biking a lot, joined an online dating site/have been meeting up with guys from that, and have always had a great group of girlfriends to spend time with. I'm really happy with my life, and it feels more like what I had imagined for my mid-20s.

Here's my problem: I am terrified I am going to wind up in a relationship with him again. It's a completely irrational fear. Aside from the handful of civil conversations required to separate our assets, I haven't had any contact with him since our break up. Apparently my subconscious is on the same page because my latest recurring dreams start with me having accidentally gotten back together with him and feeling a total state of confusion/panic as to how I let that happen. During our relationship, we did break up and get back together a few times, so it's almost like I don't trust myself to remember why I ended things (of those breakups, I only initiated one myself). I've tried not thinking about him, I've tried talking to friends about him so much that I wind up apologizing for beating the topic to death. It's just a bad feeling to have lurking. How do I get rid of it?

– What Irrational Fear? Somerville

Q: My fiance and I broke up about 2 months ago. We'd be together for just over 5 years after meeting our freshman year of college. I find myself constantly questioning whether I made the right decision to end the relationship. I'll briefly explain some of the things that led to my decision to end it.

My fiance was very emotionally closed off. He wouldn't talk about his feelings and when I shared mine, he was quick to simply apologize and say whatever it took to stop me from being upset, even if he wouldn't/couldn't follow through on his promises. His idea of showing me he loved me and was attracted to me was spending time together and cuddling. I rarely got a "you're beautiful/hot/sexy" and he almost never initiated sex. I became paranoid that he really didn't find me attractive or wasn't IN love with me. I knew he loved me, we were best friends, I never questioned that. But I decided I needed to be in a relationship where I felt wanted, physically and emotionally.

I'm also a very motivated person and he struggles to find direction in life. When we moved (in order for me to attend graduate school) he struggled to find work. I supported us for over 6 months before he found something and I had to prod him every step of the way in his search. Once he got that job he started to take some pride in it, but it still concerned me that he didn't seem to have the same motivation I did. I'm the kind of person who jumps in and solves a problem as soon as possible, whereas he puts it off till the last minute. This made me concerned that if something big happened in our lives, I wouldn't be able to depend on him to deal with his share of life's challenges, that I would be his mother, telling him what to do and nagging him until he did it.

Now that we've been apart for a while, I wonder whether the things that bothered me were really that important. Were they worth giving up a person who took care of me when I was sick, talked with me late into the night, was always there to listen when I had a hard day at school, made me laugh when I was stressed? Basically, were they worth losing my best friend over? I also question whether I'll ever be able to find another guy who doesn't have those bad qualities. And if that's the case, will I have given up those wonderful things in hopes of finding something that's not out there?

– Heartbroken, Colorado

Q: Dear Meredith,

My ex-boyfriend and I had gone out for about six years and things were not great. He found someone else. I have not met anyone else since. I spend time on a dating site but haven't had any success (chatted with some of the members through the site or thru e-mail, but I have only met one member in person). I'm a single parent/workaholic, so my personal life and work life keep me busy. I try to relax by watching movies at home or shopping. On occasion I volunteer for an organization. I have also become involved with a "Meet Up" group. Basically, I'm not twiddling my thumbs.

I'm currently reading a book titled "Conversations with God," and so far what I've taken from it is that you create your own reality. So yesterday evening, I decided to not think about my ex. After I made that decision, I immediately stopped thinking about him and I felt comfortable, at ease, and OK doing so -- no issues. What do you know? I went to bed, fell asleep, and "dreamt" about him. He was in my dream the entire time, sitting at a table with someone else (another male figure?). I was occupied in my dream, maybe 50 feet or so away from the table, running around doing things here and there. I never had contact with my ex in my dream. I just knew that he was "there."

I have to also mention here that he did tell me, in real life, not to contact him after we broke up.

What is the significance of him appearing in my dream when I made a conscious decision to let go of him in "real life." Maybe the answer is as clear as day -- but I don't see it right now.

– Bothered and Bewildered in Boston (BABIB)

Q: "Matilda" and I (both late 20s) dated for a year. She was the only woman I can say I have ever loved (and I guess I still do). We had serious talks about marriage, etc. Long story short, we had to do the long-distance thing because of grad school and she did something that was a deal-breaker. We broke up (and I should add this now -- there is no way I would ever date her again, damage is done, pride took over).

Fast forward a year and a half. I have been doing everything I can think of to move on; talking to friends and family, anti-depressants, working out heavily, focusing on school work, dating at the gym, dating at work/school, flirting at bars, online dating, playing in sports leagues, going out with friends, avoiding her at all costs (I tried being friends at first, didn't work, too much pain, making me the ex that avoids but still thinks about the person), and not dating and just having fun on my own.

All these things do make me feel better in the short term, but at the end of the day, I still think about her every day. She is the first thing that pops in my head when I wake up and last thing that I think of before bed. Although over time I start to feel better with the lack of contact, she contacts me every few months to say hi and all the emotions come rushing back. I always tell her to give me space but I end up becoming depressed and anxious, literally at the snap of a finger, hearing her voice. I feel at a loss as to why things ended, when it seemed like it was supposed to be forever (I should add that avoiding her hasn't been that easy either. Now that we are back in the same area again (school reasons, cant relocate), we work in the same system and in the same field so everything around me is a reminder of her. Plus, I occasionally have to see her and the reason why we broke up).

To quote "Californication," this is how I feel:

Movie Karen: Why does he love her so much? I mean what is it about her?
Hank: I don't know. I don't think I've ever known. I think sometimes you get it right the first time and then it defines your life. It becomes who you are.

So I guess my question is this: What am I doing wrong? Why can't I move on? It's been enough time, I remind myself of the negatives constantly (and there are more than enough), I date around, keep busy, and really do make an effort not to think about her. It's like I have put her in a pedestal and no matter what I do, I haven't been able to knock her down. My brain is saying move on, don't be weak, don't be pathetic, have some pride, love yourself more, but my heart is stuck in neutral. Do I like to suffer? Why am I stuck on these questions and not just accepting things for what they are? Is it just a matter of finding someone else, or should I just embrace it and be like Hank Moody, get myself into crazy shenanigans with the ladies???

– Stuck in Neutral, NYC

Q: I just went through a breakup with a guy I had dated for a few years. He was my first incredibly serious relationship and we both took the breakup really hard. However, after many months of heartbreak, screaming, and revealed secrets, I feel that we are finally at a place where we can be good friends. We have so much in common and we get along so well, it's not hard to see how this could possibly work as a friendship.

However, I have gotten to the point where I feel comfortable dating again. I have started dating one of my friends and we've been seeing each other for a couple of months. It's quite nice, although it's nothing serious yet. My ex has some jealousy and anger for this new guy but he never lashes out. The real problem is though that my new guy doesn't want me to see my ex. My new guy feels that two exes can never be friends and that my ex will just continue to hurt me (there were a lot of very public outbursts between my ex and I when we first broke up and we still occasionally have arguments over regret, guilt, and secrets). Recently he told me that I had to put my foot down and give my ex the final "no" to sever the ties.

I honestly don't know what to do in this situation. I really do love my ex, not as a lover or a boyfriend but as a person. I feel like severing the ties with him would cause me to lose a very important friendship. We both worked so hard to just remain friends I don't feel like I could throw all of that effort away. However, I do really care for this new guy (we were friends first, after all) and would really like to see if a potential relationship could spawn and evolve into something more. I would like to have both in my life but I know I can't.

Meredith, can exes really be friends? Which is more important? An old friendship or a new relationship?

– Can't have your cake and eat it too, Boston

Q: “Jeff" and I were together for two years. Although we had arguments, we shared a very deep love for one another.

However, toward the end of our relationship, we began arguing more regularly. The stress of work, roommate issues, etc., began taking its toll on us. Jeff ended the relationship despite the fact that I wanted to give it another shot.

Flash forward months later. Jeff is in a new, committed relationship and I'm still on the dating scene. I miss him. I miss him a lot. And although I have done the whole "keep yourself busy" breakup routine, I always seem to revert back to thinking of Jeff.

It doesn't help that I see him quite often. We live near each other and frequent the same bars and restaurants. We agreed at the end of our relationship to be friends, but every time we have seen one another, he has acted like a complete stranger. He has gone well out of his way to avoid me in any situation.

What's strange is I don't know why he is acting this way. I've been respectful of his new relationship. I never call or text him. I have sent the occasional e-mail when I heard through friends he had been promoted, or a note wishing him a happy birthday, but nothing serious. Just a quick, "Hope you're well" and that's all.

The reason I am writing is because in the time we have been apart, he has done nothing of the sort for me. Yes, I realize he has a new girlfriend, but I know for a fact he was friendly with all of his exes and would speak with them once in a while when we were together. It hurts to go from talking every day and seeing each other frequently during the week to never speaking at all.

I feel as though the years we spent together meant nothing to him. It seems like I have turned into an enemy, and I don't understand why. My friends have told me I am better without him and that I should focus on myself. They also have told me that he is insecure and immature. One of my friends suggested that he could he be acting this way because he is not over our relationship. If he was secure in his current relationship, I would think he could at least say hi to me when he sees me. What's his problem?

– Has he moved on for good?, Cambridge

Q: Hi Meredith,

You column is not just a daily diversion, it's also a great resource. As I'm facing relationship uncertainty, I find myself wishing you were a friend, so I'm writing for your friendly advice.

A month ago I broke things off with my boyfriend of six months. We are both in our mid-30s, never-married, no kids. He is extremely easy to get along with, we never had any arguments, and got along wonderfully. He's a great guy: considerate, extremely competent, good-natured, even-tempered, fun, funny, successful, responsible, and helpful. We are both independent professional types but whenever we had free time we would generally spend it together. He would often arrange weekend trips away for us, which I loved. The issue was that he wasn't expressive or very affectionate. Also, a month ago, while we were both away on business trips, I didn't hear from him for a week. He was unreachable. This wasn't the first time this happened. A month previous to this incident, he disappeared for two days when we were supposed to get together. I had a serious talk with him at that time. He said he was very sorry, he screwed up -- but as I mentioned above, it happened again. During that week, I won an award for a project that meant a lot to me and it was dampened by the fact that my boyfriend had disappeared again and I couldn't share this great news with him.

We talked when we both got home. He felt bad, had excuses, and apologized. I had made up my mind that it was over and I broke up with him. I told him that the combination of the disappearing and lack of affection was too hard on me. I told Joe that I can tell when a guy is crazy about me and I could tell he wasn't, that he didn't seem that curious about me (wouldn't he want to know whether or not I won the award?). I told him he didn't seem all that willing to be a part of my life or make me a part of his (I had never met his friends, family and vice versa). He replied "I know I'm not affectionate, I guess I show it in other ways." When I asked him if he was "crazy about me" Joe replied, "I don't' know what that means. I think that comes with time. I know I like spending time with you." That was about as expressive as he got.

Now, a month later, I'm still upset. I miss him terribly. I liked my life better with him in it. I loved him and still do. I'm wondering if in a rash moment I ended things too soon. I am still surprised and hurt that he walked away without talking me out of the break up, or making a grand gesture. Rational me knows grand gestures are not how an even-keeled man operates and I knew what I was doing. Now I don't know if I did the right thing. So much about him is very much what I want in a partner. Should I have given this another chance? Should I have tried to work with him on being more expressive and affectionate or do people not really change? Should I just move forward or should I go back and try to work things out with him? Thank you for your advice.

(By the way, a week after our break up he was already active on a dating website.)

– Severed Ties Too Soon, Houston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I recently came out of a serious two-year relationship. While she was an excellent, beautiful, smart woman, our relationship just waxed and waned too much and occasionally I felt completely disconnected. As it was my first very serious relationship, I was often questioning whether she was "the one" and I found myself wishing to meet other people. After months of struggle, I finally ended things for good.

Fast forward a month or so and I am now starting to see another beautiful woman. I really wasn't planning on jumping back into things so quickly, but when I met her I knew I had to see more of her. I cannot express how much fun I have with her, and she really is a catch.

However, I find myself thinking about my ex non-stop, and constantly comparing the "new one" to her in my mind. I so enjoy this new woman but because of my constant thoughts I am not sure whether I have made a mistake. I know it is natural to think about your ex, but at what point should I be finding myself feeling 100 percent clear about this situation? Are these feelings unfair to the new woman?

– Confused Bloke, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

Long time, first time. Back story is that I started dating my best friend of about five years this past September. He is the most kindhearted, gentle, and fun person I know. He has seen me go through my share of bad relationships and heartache. He's two years older than me and this is his first real relationship and longest relationship. We both started to like each other early last year but didn't act on it until the summer. We were scared to cross the line and he was studying for Part 2 of the CFA (crazy finance test!) all last winter/spring so I didn't want to distract him.

He was always the one pushing for us to start dating once it was on the table, and after spending time with him, I grew to love him. It's by far the best relationship I've been in and he treats me so well I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him (I'm 23. I've been around the block. I've known him for 5 years).

He is in the thick of studying for part 3 of the CFA right now and has been since January. The test is in early June. I have been incredibly understanding about his priority (passing this test!). When his job and the studying became extra stressful last month, he threw a curve ball at me and said that he felt like something was missing in our relationship but that he couldn't decipher if it was his external stresses or just us. We decided to work on it, but more recently the conversation came back up and he said he still feels something is missing. I'm deeply hurt by this and I really just hope it's the stress of the CFA that is sucking the life out of him, but I also don't think it's fair for me to sit around and wait until after the CFA for my "trial period" to be up.

We called it off last night and I'm just looking for some help on how I should be feeling about this situation and what to do after the CFA is over in June. Reevaluate? Move on? Is he just a commitment-phobe?

– CFA is ruining my life, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

My mornings during the week are always about my friend and I drinking our iced coffees and talking about Love Letters. Sure, sometimes we struggle with finding sympathy for the young twenty-somethings who worry about finding the one but then we realize love hurts no matter the age.

I'm your typical 34-year-old, never-been-married, got-it-together (for the most part) girl. I sometimes have relationships (2 yrs, 8 yrs, 6 mo), sometimes try all activities they say to meet someone when I am single (even lowered my salary on an internet dating site) and then sometimes just go out with the gals for vino because dating gets draining. Eight months ago I met a guy organically and even though at first I didn't think I'd want to date someone with kids, I realized how much I loved being with him. He moved in and the kids were going to live with us this summer. His cousin asked me to be her maid of honor and I agreed even though this is my 8th wedding and I swore I would politely decline after the 7th. But I stepped up and due to a short timeline there were three days of non-stop wedding planning to the point I was given the sole task of planning the meal. The night I got home from trying on the bridesmaid dress I left to the bedroom to privately feel sorry for myself and have a good cry. I have always wanted to get married but it just hasn’t worked out for me. When my boyfriend asked what was wrong, I exposed that all the wedding planning has been hard because it makes me think about my own situation of turning 35 and not ever being asked myself. When we moved in together I was clear that marriage and kids were something I wanted and that he shouldn't move in (for my sake or the sake of his two girls) if he wasn't interested. He did move in and I loved every minute of us being together. Two weeks ago, I came home and his stuff was gone and that was it. No goodbye, no waiting around to tell me. I didn't even get the post-it note Carrie got.

When I say I that I felt like I got punched in the gut, I'm not sure that even describes the feeling. I was sick for days over this but I pulled myself together. This past weekend he declared that he has decided that he does want to get married and have kids with me and that he just panicked. Can I really believe him? Should I put myself through being the maid of honor? The wedding is four weeks away and he is the best man, and I cannot think of more torture than that. I know the bride didn’t do anything -- she was supportive of me the whole time so I feel obligated to do it -- but I'm not sure if I will keep it together.

– Always, Always the Bridesmaid, Lowell

Q: Dear Meredith,

I dated someone for six years who I thought I would marry. One day he just told me he wasn't happy and that he was done. He left me with major abandonment issues. After he left, I started dating guys who I knew were wrong for me so I didn't have be as vulnerable as I was in my six-year relationship.

My problem is that I've had a friend for years who has always been an important part of my life. We both have strong-willed personalities, which have caused disagreements even in our friendship. But one of the things I've always loved is that it's easy for us to just say OK, we don't agree, and move on, friendship unscathed.

About two years ago, I confessed that I felt something more than friends and wanted a romantic relationship with him. Well, I pulled such a coward move and did this while he was living in across the country knowing that I wouldn't have to act on my feelings. A year later, we were both back in Boston and he really wanted to try a relationship. I had just gotten out of a relationship with one of those guys I shouldn't have been dating because they were wrong for me. My friend and I tried to make things work but he ended up getting hurt because I wasn't fully in it because of my feelings for my ex.

After this, we didn't talk for a while and our friendship really suffered. But in the winter, we saw each other and all the feelings rushed back in for both of us. We ended up going home together that night and deciding that we were both going to just be happy together -- but I wouldn't be writing if this all worked out. I ended up bringing a lot of my feelings of abandonment into the relationship. I would be really happy for a week and then I would freak out and look for reasons that we wouldn't work or pick a fight to test him. Well, I succeeded and sabotaged everything. He finally decided that we were just too different. He was apologizing a lot because I would keep picking fights about stupid little things and he just didn't want to continue to apologize for the way he is or feel like he didn't to change for me to be happy. Just to give a brief example, he is very passionate about video games and I would just say I hated them and that I didn't want to know anything about them even though I knew it was important to him. I was just trying to push him away and it worked.

I didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late. It's been two weeks and I feel like such an idiot that I let my fear of abandonment get the best of me and hurt him in the process. I've explained all of this to him over the weekend and he took it all in but needs some time to process and decides if he can give me another chance, which I completely understand.

What do you think? Have too many bridges already been burned?

– Pusher, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I was dating a guy we will call "Joe." We ended up breaking up because he was moving across the country -- and because he looked through my phone and had unnecessary trust issues. While we were dating, we set up my best friend with his best friend (we can call him Charlie) who are a great match. Our friends are still dating, but for some reason, I can't get past thinking about Joe every time I see his friend Charlie. It's gotten to the point where I just choose not to see my best friend if I know Charlie will be there. I'm still hurting from the breakup with Joe, which is why I try to avoid seeing Charlie. He just reminds me of Joe and brings back the memories of all of us spending time together.

I know the best answer to this is to just get past it, and understand that Joe and Charlie are two separate people. I understand that I should not hold any of this against Charlie, but I find myself not being able to move past that. If there is a solid reason to break up, I can typically get through a breakup quickly, but this is starting to affect my friendship with one of my best friends.

Do you have any advice for trying a new way to look at the situation? I am usually the one giving my friends advice but I can't crack this one.

– Unintentionally taking it out on our friends, Needham

Q: My fella and I have been on/off for 3 years. I was the first (and only) girl he'd ever been in love with. Each off period commenced with both of us crying and saying how much we love each other but acknowledging that it wasn't working. Each of the reunions has involved him promising to try harder. It comes down to the fact that he has some emotional baggage that prevents him from being everything I need and want from him. He can't express his feelings well. I, on the other hand, work perfectly for him. He thinks he's bad for me, isn't giving me what I need, and that he doesn't deserve me. But all I want is him.

A year ago December we broke up "for good." It was comical how badly I took it. I spent months crying, never falling out of love with him -- but we agreed to not talk and to try to move on. We decided we couldn't be friends because we were too in love. He moved 2 hours away. I spent 2010 trying to get my life in order and trying to get over fella to start dating again. And I did. I tried. HARD. But never got my fella out of my head. This past December I had had enough. It had been a year and I felt exactly the same as when we broke up. I was in love with this man and it wasn't going away.

I sent a text (I know, I know, but I'm the product of the modern age). It was an "I miss you" text. I didn't expect a response but I got one that said he misses me too, wants to get together, etc. The reunion was amazing. It's now been 3 months. We see each other every other weekend. Every visit is perfect. We talk everyday -- he's affectionate, listens, talks more than ever -- like a new and improved fella.

When we go out, though, I'm introduced as "his friend" even though to anyone with eyes, we're together. When someone asks if we're dating, we both just kind of make odd noises and give blank stares. I finally got sick of this. During a recent visit I said, "We need to stop seeing each other. If this is going nowhere, I can't do this." He starts crying. Sobbing. Saying I'm the only person he wants to be with. Says he wants to bring me home, says he wants to meet my parents (yeah we never did that). But still we have not had the "are we back together" part of the conversation.

I think I'm afraid to have the conversation because if we become official then there it is, the "official commitment" that potentially could end in another break up. This unofficial togetherness seems safe because since we're not boyfriend girlfriend we can't "break up," right? But what are we doing? Am I wasting my time? If I bring it up, will he think it's a bad idea? I know this might seem trite but I'd like to hear your advice/insight -- it's always so level headed. Sorry for the novel.

– Sentence Fragments and Dashes, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

My live-in girlfriend of almost three years left me a month and a half ago. I cannot blame her for this, as it was due to my alcoholism. Back in the winter I lost my job, which was unrelated to my problem but very seriously exacerbated it. I had nothing but time on my hands and used it the only way I knew how to deal with the depression I was experiencing. Within two months I had a very serious problem. I lashed out at her emotionally, said a lot of hurtful things I would never say sober, scared her, and she was scared for me. Eventually this led her to moving in with a friend for a couple weeks and then buying a plane ticket home.

Before she left, I sobered up and started going to AA meetings and continue doing so today. She had said that if I flew out to prove to her that I was better and showed her I truly love her that she would come back. That was initially the agreement anyway … but in the last couple weeks that agreement has changed on her part. To the tune of, "You aren't the right person for me, I don't love you, and we will never be together again. Goodbye forever." Two days later, we are texting again under the condition that I don't talk about "us." So far I have kept my word and given her space but I can't help but get the feeling she is seeing someone else. But I know that if I were to even ask I would be immediately shut out again and possibly for good.

Do I just keep in contact with her through texts and see if things change or do I sever all ties completely? I feel like I could only cut her out of my life is she was with someone else but I have no way of knowing. I truly love her and marriage was once a frequently talked about subject. I'm still unemployed so even if I got a job tomorrow it would be months before I could go visit her. A lot can happen in that time and I don't even know if it will be an option again. I just want her back but this is looking to be a long and heartbreaking process.

– I Just Want Her Back, Boston

Q: Dear Mere,

I have been dating this guy -- let's call him Jake -- for about six years. We grew up in the same town, hung out with the same group of people, and we just clicked. Our relationship started off far from perfect. I cheated on him with my previous ex, who was my first love but also cheated on me. That one mistake has haunted me ever since.

Jake and I got past my cheat (or so I thought) and started off fresh. I was loyal, honest, I spoiled him, and went above and beyond to prove to him that it was a mistake and that I would never put him through that again. For a long time, things were going awesome but I learned the hard way that the sun has to set at some point. Jake started to become this whole different person. He wanted to hide me from the world and have me when it was convenient for him. Before I knew it, I had given up everything -- my friends, my social life, my time, everything for this kid who couldn't possibly still love me. He would break up with me repeatedly and I would apologize for doing nothing.

After a while our relationship became nothing. I gradually started going out again and experiencing life. One night at a party I took a leap and started talking to his other guy, Ray. I found him so attractive. We started a text relationship after the party which later led to meeting up, first kiss, the whole nine.

For once I wasn't crying myself to sleep. I was smiling again. But like I said, the sun always sets at some point and Jake got wind of this "new guy" and all of a sudden demanded answers. Jake admitted to his mistakes and was all of a sudden saying things I always dreamed he would say.

Jake and I are now back together. We encounter rough patches here and there but our relationship has dramatically improved. I smile, laugh, and can honestly say I am happy. But here's where the mixed feelings take place. Ray and I ended on a civil note. I apologized for rushing things with him. But I find myself constantly thinking about him and regretting my decision to go back to Jake even though I am happy. I just feel like sooner or later, the sun is going to set for Jake and I again and it's killing me waiting for that day. Did I make the wrong decision?

– stuck between two, south boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm considered a pretty nice person, which at times is not good. Yes, I have gotten the whole "You're too nice" malarkey several times. And no, this is not one of those "waaahhh I'm too nice, I hate my life waaaahh" stories. No, I'm not like that I, I don't play that card, I find it pathetic. But every once in a while I wish I could be more of a jerk.

I'm a single person in my late 20s. I love my independence. I do things for myself and answer to no one. Would I like to have a girlfriend? Sure, if it's right, but right now I have other priorities. So, a couple weeks ago, I hooked up with this girl and she stayed over. Sweet, right? Wrong. I've known this person for a long time and had a sense that she liked me but I wanted no part of her beyond what we were doing that night and made that explicitly clear. Before anything physical began I reviewed the ground rules (this is what it is and not anything more, I don't want you calling me all the time, I will not visit you, I do not feel for you romantically, this is just a hook up etc etc). And now I am being mercilessly bombarded with numerous daily texts, phone calls, Facebook chat messages and wall posts, she's friended my friends ... I hate when my cell phone buzzes. Seriously it's NON STOP. I've reminded her of my pre-bedroom riot act speech but nothing changed. Currently I'm ignoring her and it’s not working.

So this where the whole "nice" thing comes in. I'm not totally unaccustomed to clingers, but this is for sure a STAGE 5 CLINGER. I usually have good radar for them, but I definitely let my guard down to satisfy an urge, and now this has become my life. My friends think this is hilarious, but even she's annoying them. Any breakup or parting of ways, aside from a couple nasty heartbreaks, has either been mutual, cordial, or ended by passive disinterest. I have never had to resort to being a jerk to get rid of someone and I really do not want start now. I feel like that might be my only resort unless you can figure out an alternative.

– Exploding Phone, South Shore

Q: Hi Meredith,

I met my ex seven years ago when we were still in college. He thought I was a total snob, and I thought he was completely weird. Fast forward to a few years ago. I found him on Facebook through a mutual friend and we immediately started talking every day. Problem was, he was in Massachusetts and I was living a few states away. We talked for a few months before he drove up to surprise me. I was way less snobby, and his weirdness was adorable. We dated long distance like that for eight months until I lost my job and we decided I should move down to MA. At the time he was living with his parents, who welcomed me with open arms and said we could stay as long as we needed to until we found an apartment of our own.

At first, everything was great with us. We were best friends, completely in love. But months went by and he was still dragging his feet to get a place. We were cramped in our little room in his parents' house, and as welcoming as they were, it never really felt like my home and I was getting restless. I found some really cute places within our price range, but he always found some kind of excuse (like "the street leading up to the apartment is too steep" ... seriously?) not to move.

We had been living with his parents for about two years when things just fell apart. I was so resentful of him not understanding my need for my own space and he was getting tired of hearing me nag him about it. I moved in with a friend while I started looking for an apartment and he stayed with his parents.

At first, we didn't talk because it was too hard. But then we saw each other a few times and even spent New Year's Eve with friends. I was really hopeful that things were working out.

When I found my own apartment, he helped me move in. But that's when the switch flipped. He stopped calling and stopping by. And when I did see him, there was no warmth. I quickly found out that he was seeing someone. I felt so betrayed but I finally understood that we were really over. Unfortunately, I did say some pretty catty things in the heat of the finding out about her (I know it was none of my business, I was just upset). I just felt like my life was falling apart. I was alone in this town I didn't know, and I wanted so badly to save us, but I pushed him even further away.

I met someone, a friend of a friend, who took me out a few times. My ex heard about it -- and don't you know that I got a text from my ex saying some hurtful things. It was obviously out of jealousy and I know he didn't mean it but I was still upset. He was dating other girls. Who does he think he is to call me out for moving on too? I eventually changed my number to eliminate the drama.

Well, a few months have gone by now and the dust has settled. I'm not seeing anyone and I'm working 70 hours a week to compensate for the loneliness. Lately, he's been calling my friends to see how I'm doing and emailing my mom and siblings "just to say hi." Does that mean he's just being nice, or maybe that he misses me?

Can relationships bounce back from a bad break like this? Do you think we could ever "start over" and make it work?

– Broken But Can't Let Go, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been reading your column since before I moved back to this great city. On to my dilemma/question. I am a 56-year-old twice divorced guy. First marriage was when I was 19 and "did the right thing." Second one lasted 18 yrs until she decided she didn't want to be married anymore. I have been dating someone now for about six months and she recently told me that while she enjoys my company she doesn't see me as marriage material. When I asked her why, she commented that my "track record" makes me a poor candidate for marriage. Meredith, I was a good husband and father for 18 years and I am very much a relationship kinda guy.

Am I going to be blacklisted for life because of two marriages (one of which was at 19) that didn't work??? Is there still hope for someone my age to be able to find someone that can see past my track record?

– Back in Boston at last

Q: Hi Meredith,

I've recently found myself in an unusual situation, by my standards. About five months ago, I got out of a very messy relationship that had been on and off for a couple of years. Usually the "off" periods would be punctuated by the realization that my boyfriend had either been cheating on me, or lying to me about something important. Our breakups would last anywhere from two weeks to two months. I've since gotten over this relationship, and I'm actually feeling a lot stronger and healthier as a person than I have in a very, very long time.

But, over the past week or so, I've found myself thinking about a different guy that I dated during one of my off periods with my ex-boyfriend. The relationship with the guy took place over a year ago and only lasted about a month. While there had been a spark when he and I first met, when we tried to pursue something, the chemistry just didn't ignite. I can't say why I've been thinking about him, but I feel that there must be some connection between the breakup with my long-term boyfriend and my sudden renewed interest in the other guy. Can you explain what the connection might be, or why you think I would be suddenly thinking of the short-term boyfriend from last year?

– Blue Forgetmenot, California

Q: Hi Meredith,

Three years ago I met a guy through an internship. Nothing really sparked until after the job was over. We started exchanging e-mails and texting a lot, all leading up to a romantic kiss when he came back to town for a few days for work. By then he was living and working out of state. I visited him a few times and he came to visit me. No solid relationship was ever established but he was the only one on my mind.

I was very emotionally invested. He was quiet, kept to himself, and never really shared his feelings. He finally revealed his feelings two years in and then a month later decided he needed "space" because the distance was just too much for him. Needless to say, I was heartbroken.

I regrouped and met a man who has been nothing but a prince to me. The problem is that this other guy popped back up through e-mail to say that while he understands that I am happy and in a stable relationship, he does wish he had done things differently and still cares about me. He doesn't want to be that thorn in my side and get in the way of my current relationship, but did say that if ever given a chance, he'd be completely different.

I don't plan on leaving my current relationship to take a chance on what could have been, but I can't lie and say that I haven't been thinking back to old times and wondering exactly how things would have turned out. I am in love with my boyfriend -- but how do I get the other guy out of my head?

– Needs to Stop Thinking About What Could Have Been, Waltham

Q: Hi Meredith,

I've read your column for months and have always thought you give great advice. I also thought it was pretty great to read your column and compare it to my wonderful relationship. I realize now how naive I was to believe that my relationship was any more bullet-proof than the next.

I met J. my sophomore year of college and we hit it off immediately. I had just come off a string of miserable flings with guys who treated me horribly and I was delighted to find J., who truly wanted me to be his. I reciprocated those feelings. We started dating after only a month and we fell in love.

This was only my second boyfriend and certainly the first serious one. Eventually, however, we began to fight. Now, after an entire year together, he has abruptly broken my heart. Two days ago, after one particular, alcohol-influenced fight, he decided to end it.

I won't get into specifics -- it's no different than any other relationship. But this was the first guy I loved.

My question, Meredith, is how am I supposed to get over someone I am still so in love with? I realize everyone goes through this at some point in their life (unless they're lucky enough to marry their first sweetheart), but I don't even know how to being to address the pain.

Since we live on a fairly large college campus with thousands of students, I know it's rare that I will run into him. Yet we live only a block away from each other, and every restaurant I pass, every park bench -- they all remind me of places we've been together, and intimate times we shared.

I want to so badly to talk to him, but he was very clear in expressing his need to cut off communication. This is especially hard for me, as he was not only my boyfriend, but my best friend. I shared everything with him.

I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can't even walk outside without tearing up in public. How can I mend my first broken heart, Meredith?

– Lonely in Wisconsin; Wisconsin, by way of Boston

Q: Meredith,

I have been seeing someone, let's call him Pete, for almost a year. We met last spring when I was doing an internship in Boston and he was finishing up his first year of grad school. We were very happy for a while, all the wonderful rushes of first love, etc.

And then the summer ended. I had to move a few hours away for the fall to finish up my last semester of school. The place where I had interned offered me a job upon graduation, so Pete and I decided to do long-distance, just for a couple months, since I'd be back so soon.

Halfway through the fall, I started noticing that he was being really distant. The next time I came up to see him, I told him how much it was hurting me when he was distant like that, and he confessed to me that he had been suffering from depression for a while. He told me he was starting therapy and starting going on medication, and things seemed to be getting better. I even suggested -- and we did -- spend Christmas with his family.

The new year started and I moved back to Boston, but things were different. He only wanted to see me when he didn't have anything pressing for school -- so it meant only on weekends or, if during the work week, only me coming over to sleep at night.

I wrote a letter to him, full of "I statements," supportive comments, statements of love, and things that I felt that we, as a couple, need to work on to have a more fulfilling relationship.

He started crying. I mean, hysterically. He told me he loves me, so much, and that he doesn't want to lose me. That he had to break up with his last girlfriend when he moved to go to grad school and that he didn't want to hurt me like that. He said that he just couldn't do it, that he feels like he can't give me what I want, what I need.

Pete is a man who is very introverted, needs a lot of alone time. I thought about it and all the times we were physically together until this year, he was not in school. Except this fall, but we weren't even in the same city. I think he just doesn't know how to deal with stress - and that right now our relationship is the only thing he has that he has control over.

I just don't know how to feel. He wrote me the sweetest card for Valentine's Day, it was a freaking sonnet! Like, Shakespearean sonnet! How does someone write their girlfriend a romantic, beautiful sonnet on Monday and rip their heart out on Thursday?!

Last week, it had been two weeks since I heard from him. So I texted him, asking if he was OK, and he said that he misses me, misses us, and that he's sorry. I texted back, telling him I was sorry too, but above all else I want him to be happy, and if that means that we're not together then so be it. It'll hurt for a while, but so be it. He didn't respond that night but texted me yesterday that he’s incapable of a serious relationship right now.

I haven't responded yet. I don't know if I even should -- and what to say if I did. I'm not even sure I'd want to be in a relationship with him again. But part of me wishes we could just go back to the way things were between us and pretend that this whole incident never happened.

– Dealing with a Stressed, Depressed Shakespeare, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been single for a little over a year after a two-year relationship. I date a good amount and enjoy my single life a lot. My last relationship didn't end well and I only recently completely got over it. Let's call my ex "George." I don't care about George at all and I feel triumphant that I can now say that and truly mean it. Occasionally, I run into George while out with friends and we always say a brief awkward hello. Recently I decided it was time to defriend him and his friends on Facebook after seeing some photos of him with his ex-girlfriend and other girls. I felt this was the last step in my healing process.

So that brings me to this weekend. I was out with some friends at a bar. And who do you think comes over to say hello ... my ex. We say a forced hello and chat for a couple minutes about family and life. I go over and politely say hello to all his friends. The conversation then takes a turn to why I recently defriended him on Facebook. I explain to him that I thought it was the mature thing to do. I no longer wanted his life popping up on my news feed. I say goodbye and we part ways.

After I got home, I receive a text from George asking whether I got in safely. I respond that yes, I did make the short trip to my apartment safely and that I am sorry that he was so upset that I ended our virtual friendship (note the sarcasm). About 20 minutes later as I am getting ready for bed, I receive a phone call from George. George says that he is on his way over and that we need to talk. Once again I laugh in his face, but tell him he can come over. We had both been drinking all night and this affected my judgment but hey, I am young (26). I knew why he was really coming over. We discuss how neither of us are currently seeing anyone and that this night is a one-time thing and it will never happen again. Anyway, he spends the night. We say our goodbyes the next morning and that was that. I felt so good. It was killing him that I no longer cared about him at all, that I was in control and that part of my life was over for good.

Flash forward to Saturday night. I am sitting at my apartment waiting for my roommate to finish getting ready. I am on Facebook and see George's profile. We still aren't friends but the Facebook gods are suggesting that we know each other. And what pops out at me immediately is that he has a girlfriend!! I text him a rather jolting note about his morals. I would have never had him over if I knew this was the case. I am completely against cheating. He apologizes to me and said it was a mistake and that he was drunk.

Now this is why I am writing in: Do I contact his girlfriend to let her know about Friday night? I know I did nothing wrong but at the same time it is nagging at me and I feel bad for her since she is so oblivious. I was too, because he puts on a good act. My friends have all gone 50/50 on this question. Some are strongly against it. Others suggest I do it because he sure as hell isn't going to come clean and this girl deserves to know. I feel like I should tell her so I feel better and it’s the right thing to do. But is it? Does the girlfriend have a right to know that her boyfriend cheated on her? Should I be the one to tell her?

– The morally confused, Boston

Q: I recently got out of a five-year relationship with my boyfriend because we finally accepted the fact that neither one of us was willing to sacrifice our needs and move to be together. Months ago, when this was all crumbling down, my coworker and I became close when we realized we both were in very similar situations; however, his relationship was still intact.

Once this connection was made, we would talk a lot during the day and started hanging out after work. We sent texts constantly and he would always mention things that we could do come the springtime and summer. He had told a mutual friend that he had a crush on “someone” (which was obvious to the mutual friend that it was me) even though he still did love his girlfriend. I was a little disheveled from just walking away from a great guy, so all of this was an easy distraction and I felt myself becoming attached to the relationship.

After a few too many drinks one night, the relationship turned from just simply being "two friendly coworkers." The same thing proceeded to happen a few more times but then all of a sudden, he did a complete 180 on me. No longer was he asking me to hang out, and if I sent a message, hours would go by before he responded and that was if he responded at all. After a little over a week of this, I asked what the deal was and he said that maybe what we were doing wasn't a good idea. He said we could still hang out together, it just had to be in public. I responded that maybe we should just cool it all together then. I wanted to play the "I'm cool with this" card so I acted like it didn't bother me when, in reality, I was devastated. Perhaps because it filled the void that my boyfriend had just left and made everything easier for me, but I felt like we could have been great together (and so did everyone else at work as they constantly are always making comments about the two of us).

It has been almost two months since that conversation and he is still seriously involved with his girlfriend. We do not hang out at all after work anymore, but he comes into my office constantly and he will send me messages randomly every now and again. I still feel like I'm stuck on the situation and not sure of what to do next. His visits and texts give me false hope that maybe if I wait it out, his relationship will end and we can start something good. But then another part of me, and I must say the smarter part of me, thinks that if he really wanted to be with me -- plain and simple -- he would be. And I have to remind myself that this is a guy who cheated on his girlfriend on more than one occasion and then just went back like nothing happened. Do I really want that type of guy? No. So I am trying to get over it but am having a really hard time doing so. Do I ask him to stop the visiting and texts, allowing him to know that I really did care for him and that it wasn’t just some care-free thing for me as I had let on? Or do I just wait it out and hope I can get over it on my own so that our work relationship can stay intact and my pride won’t be wounded? Help!!

– Trying To Get Over This, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm a divorced 30-something father (separated about 3 years ago) who has been trying to adapt to life after a nasty divorce. Now that the dust has settled, I can safely say that things between myself and my ex-wife "Jen" are amicable, although it is clear that we will never be friends again.

About a year ago, a close friend "Steve" (who is also divorced and now with someone else), without even the nerve to inform me, decided to end our friendship and has since barely uttered a word to me to the point that others are noticing his blatant avoidance. My understanding (based on observation) is that Steve became friends with someone who took my ex-wife's side in my divorce.

Over the summer, I ran into Steve's ex-wife "Mary" (whom I had not talked to since before Mary and her Steve separated) at a sporting event. We talked, caught up on old times, and swapped phone numbers -- with the intent of getting our children together. About a month later, Mary called me to arrange time for our children to see each other. At the play date, which had to wait a few weeks because of parenting schedules, everyone had a great time and my friendship with Mary resumed.

Fast forward about 2 months: Mary tells me that she had been thinking about me in a different light and wants to go out on a date with me (neither of us are seeing anyone now). She also told me that her pre-teen daughter has noticed Mary's reaction whenever my name has been brought up -- and offered an approval to us dating. Quite honestly, I am intrigued at the idea as well ... but is it OK to date the ex-wife of a former friend?

My gut feeling: It is none of Steve's business who his ex-wife dates; Steve chose to end our friendship (for whatever reason) and Mary and I are both free to date. So, what harm is there to see if there is more than a spark?

– Cautiously Interested In The Next Step, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm 35 and about 4 years ago, my fiance and I split up. We had been dating for over 2 years and had been discussing marriage, but after he proposed I began having panic attacks and did not feel that he was fully committed. We were also living out of state and I was homesick, and after many stalled talks about our future, I decided to move back home. A few months passed and he moved to my home state to try to give it another run, but eventually he left because he was unhappy. When he left I was devastated, but also felt relief because it had seemed like we were fighting a losing battle.

Fast forward four years later: I'm in a new relationship. We started seeing each other about 10 months after my previous relationship ended. Although I was trying to take it slow and keep myself open to date others, I really was only seeing him. He is someone I've known for quite some time (about 10 years) and he was a good friend and really helped me move on. Eventually we fell in love.

So, now we've been together for almost 4 years and we've been talking about marriage. I love him and can see a great future with him, but all of a sudden, I'm thinking about my ex again. I had thought about him occasionally over the past few years, and while these memories were always fond, I also felt that I had dodged a bullet. In fact, one time he tried to contact me and I didn't respond because I was with my current boyfriend. So, I don't understand why now that my current relationship is going so well I'm having thoughts and regrets about my ex. I keep thinking that maybe I shouldn't have moved back home and that I made a mistake "abandoning" him. It doesn't help that we have several mutual friends that spend a lot of time with him and I keep hearing about all the exciting things he has been doing lately, and I keep seeing pictures of him and his new girlfriend. I keep thinking how that could have been my life. It's as if the pain I felt right after we broke up is back. I'm assuming that maybe these thoughts are connected to the fact that I'm thinking about marriage again, but that doesn't make me feel any better, nor does it help relieve any of the guilt I feel about having these thoughts while in a relationship with a great guy. Why am I all of a sudden stuck in the past?

– moving on, again?, Pembroke

Q: Dear Meredith,

Months after a major breakup from a big relationship, I started talking to this guy from a dating website. He told me he wanted to buy a house, get married, have kids ... the works. I'm 25-years old and I'm ready to settle down, so this was exactly what I was looking for. We started dating and we hit it off like we had known each other for years.

Things moved along pretty quickly in the next 2 months, except he never said anything about a true commitment, as in calling me his "girlfriend." I, of course, wanted a relationship, not just someone to date and spend the night with. I started asking when we were going to become "official." At first he didn't want to talk about it at all, but then he went into a whole story about how he's worried about his job security and how he would have to move back to his parents' house in a different state if he lost his job, etc. He said he hasn't committed to anything since living here in MA. I became very emotional and told him that I don't know what my future holds either, but I was willing to give it a shot. He stuck to his story and I was left trying to figure out what to do.

Long story short, I didn't know if I wanted to wait for him to figure it out or feel more secure about his job. I went back and forth, telling him that I wanted to slow things down to a friendship level until he was sure, and then the following day, I told myself to stop worrying and just go with the flow. I told him this as well, thinking that everything would be OK. He said that we were fine and not to worry. The following day, we talked briefly online, but he didn't call like usual. When I called him, he seemed annoyed.

That was the last time I heard from him. The days following were filled with me trying to get a hold of him via texts and calls. I want him to "man up" and tell me what happened.

It has been about 2 weeks now and I can't stop thinking about the situation. I stopped contacting him because it wasn't getting me anywhere, but I keep having these urges to call or text again. How do I get past this? Do I give it more time and try to contact him to get some answers? All my girlfriends tell me he's going to come around sooner or later. Do you think that's true? Why am I so hung up over this?

– I Want Answers Now, North of Boston

Q: I need to know that it's okay to leave the good guy. The guy that listens and puts up with the crazy and brings breakfast to bed. The one that makes you laugh and tells you when to stop being so serious but knows that life isn't just a game. The one who will know what to make for dinner after a tough day just to cheer you up and send pictures to let you know that he's thinking of you. The one who will make chicken soup when you're sick and wipe all the tears from your eyes. The guy who wants to have a dog and loves kids, can fix a car, and can spend a day doing nothing on a couch and read with you when it's raining outside.

The background: We're both young, in our 20s, and have been together 6 years. He has a career and I have a job. We live together. We don't argue much and if we do, it's usually about spending time with family. We've never have serious problems or "deal-breaker" issues. I only know that despite everything being textbook right, I feel wrong.

I need to know that despite all the qualities, it is OK to leave and that I will be OK. I need to know that leaving my best friend for time for myself (and no, this is not to go sleep with someone else) is not the wrong choice. I need to know that there is someone else out there for both me and the guy whose heart will break. Because to leave will break a part of me but to stay no longer feels right.

I just need to hear it will be OK and that I'm not giving something good up for a bad reason.

– lost and loved, Boston

Q: Meredith,

I read your column every day and often contribute to the message board. I have had a bit of baggage in my life and many of your writers have had experiences that I can relate to. Finally, I have my chance to ask a question.

I just broke up with my girlfriend of seven months. Using your advice, I wrote down the reasons so that I would not forget when I got rattled.

Our major issue is communication -- that my ex avoids issues and we do not resolve issues to my satisfaction (I was married before and this was the major issue, so this is a definite deal-breaker for me). When I told her this was a reason for wanting to leave, she said it was the wake-up call she needed and that she wants to change.

What I am worried about is that she wants to change for me and not for herself. I do not want another person to compromise who they are because she does not want me to break up with her. It seems like it is giving me too much power. I don't want power, I want the right person.

In addition, I am having trouble figuring out whether, even if she succeeds in communicating better and we do get back together, I will fall in love with her. It's only been seven months, but it's already been seven months if you get my meaning.

We are taking a week to figure out what we both want (which is to say, I am mulling this over for a week).

My questions are: Should I have fallen in love by seven months? What advice can you give me for dealing with this negotiation phase my ex is going through? and Is there any guidance you can give me for coming to a decision?

– Bad at Breaking Up, New York

Q: I met my now-ex during my freshman year of college. We started dating our junior year. He studied abroad for a semester. I went to visit him. He surprised me with a trip to Paris. We both admitted how "in love" we were.

We dated through the end of college. Mind you, the petty fights, drunken jealously, etc. all got in the way. We stayed together until the dreaded "where do we go from college" stuff set in and it was too much for me to handle.

After much soul searching, I ended it and moved to the city. He also moved to the city -- on his own -- and it only took a few weeks before we found each other again.

Throughout college and into our post-college city lives, we have had the same friends and same nightlife. Ever since we have lived here, it's been an out-of-control routine of seeing each other and then ending it again in the worst imaginable way.

In the process of our breakup, his way to "cope" was to trash my name to family and friends -- anyone who would listen -- but then he'd see me in secret. He would lie to our friends and his family, and I would forgive it because I was focused on trying to fix us, rather than let anyone else get in the way. It wasn't until after the falling outs that I would fully hear all the lies that he was telling. This had always been the routine. We'd see each other for a few weeks and then he would snap and say it wasn't working and that couldn't lie anymore. I encouraged him to just come clean with everyone, but he didn't want to. I'd breakdown, scream, fight, become furious and would be left to pick the pieces, meanwhile none of our friends would know we were even in contact.

I don't pretend to be a victim in this. I know what is right and what is wrong, but when one "I love you" comes out of him, I melt. I'm back at it, the emotional abuse and the one-sided feelings. Most recently, we started contacting each other after spending the summer apart, and he convinced me it was different this time. I was brought around our friends for a short period of time, without secret, before he snapped again and shut me out of his life. All he says is that he loves me but doesn't know what he's doing and why he can't figure out what he wants. There are two antagonists, two victims, and two people who can't seem to let go. And in the two years we've both lived in the city, it has been impossible not to see each other, even if we're not talking, because we travel around with the same large group of people from college.

So my question is, I've done the "give him space" thing, I've done the "I don’t deserve this" emotional roller coaster, but no matter what happens or how I vow to never let him back in my life, we find a way back to each other. What do I do now to stop this toxic routine from continuing? Will he ever figure out what he wants?

– Toxic Roller Coaster, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith!

I have been dating my boyfriend "Jason" for over four years. We met in college and then moved to the same city upon graduation. We live in the same small neighborhood, and our lives are completely intertwined with the same group of friends and activities. I am completely in love with Jason, and he is with me. Our everyday interaction is wonderful; we're constantly laughing, and are both very happy together.

Despite our happiness, we have no long-term future together. I know it sounds crazy after 4 (mostly) great years together, but I've finally been able to open my eyes to this reality in the last 2 months. Our communication styles differ (his is virtually nonexistent), he is far too immature, and underlying family issues have left him with incredibly low self-esteem that make it difficult for him to ever make his own decisions or assert himself in any capacity. These have been ongoing issues throughout our relationship, but after years of struggle to support him, I've finally realized that nothing will change, and I can't settle down with him.

On top of all of this, I just got into graduate school and will be relocating out of state this summer. Although we've briefly discussed moving together, but he's made no effort to prepare. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he is thinking the same thing about our future, but due to his lack of assertiveness, I know I have to be the one to end it. The problem is if I end it now, the next few months will be utterly miserable for both of us. Although we don’t live together, it would be impossible not to see him due to our social circle and our living proximity. I see my departure in June as an easy way out, and I know we could thoroughly enjoy our remaining time together because our everyday life is so great. It is logistically and emotionally easier, but is it a cop-out? Am I being a coward about all of this, or just realistic? And most of all, am I being unfair to him? I envision a simple, not-messy, respectful end to a beautiful relationship in June. But am I creating a bigger mess for the both of us? Please help!

– Time to End It, Jamaica Plain

Q: This girl and I had been dating for about 10 months and things were starting to get serious. We loved hanging out. We were consistently on the phone with each other when one of us was out of town for business or vacation. We spent each night at my place or hers. We talked about taking the next step.

Then, two months ago, I was over at her place. We had just made some dinner and were on the couch watching a movie. I noticed that she was being unusually quiet. When I asked what was up, she started bawling her eyes out. Completely out of left field. When I asked what was wrong she gave me an "it's not you it's me" kind of response. She said, "I don't know if I can keep you happy." We had been dating for 10 months -- I don't think I would have been with her that long if that was the case!

After that, the friends I had met her through asked what had happened. My response? I have no idea. After putting some thought into it, I came up with three theories: 1. She is a career-driven woman and wants to focus on that; 2. She is really confused and doesn't know what she wants; and 3. There is some one else. Our mutual friends say I should rule out that third option because she would never do that to me.

Since that night two months ago, she has sent me e-mails and the occasional text message. Normal stuff – "How was your holiday," etc. Being polite, I do respond. Then there's no response for a few week, then I get another e-mail.

Should I respond to these e-mails? Should I just let this die? Mind you, I still have not received a solid response about why she wanted to break it off. This is why I am bloody confused.

– Bloody Confused, Quincy

Q:Hi Meredith,

I met "Brad" 10 years ago at work. We worked together for two years. After that, he and I remained friends and then became more. We had a very close romantic relationship for a couple of years, then broke up because he couldn't/wouldn't move forward (live together, become engaged, etc.). After a couple of months, he wanted me back and promised to work at his commitment issues because he couldn't imagine a future without me. Then, after about a 6 months together, he stopped being physical with me. His reason for this was "physical/emotional issues." He didn't want to break up but refused to get any help or even to discuss it with me. So after almost a year of this, I felt I had no choice but to end the relationship. It broke my heart.

We've now been apart for three years (and are now in our 40s) but because there is so much love there, we managed to remain close friends. I have dated other people, but "Brad" has not had a girlfriend since me. We've truly been best friends. We hang out and talk for hours. It's like we're together except for the physical part. I've always been in love with him, it never stopped, and finally told him about a year ago that I wanted to try us again. He said he had to think about it. Then finally said that he was too afraid of losing me forever if we tried a relationship again and it didn't work, and that he's got too many "issues" to chance it. He's not happy with himself or his professional/financial situation to be with anyone. He said he couldn't bear to lose me, and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it after all these years. But it became too difficult for me to remain his friend while hoping it would turn into more. I kept thinking that he'd change his mind and realize how crazy it is that we're not together. He didn't. So I told him I had to stay away from him for a while so I can get over the romantic feelings I have.

How can one get over someone if they see him and talk to him all the time? He says I'm his best friend and he can't live without me ... but I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I believe the reasons he's given me for not wanting to try us again, which makes me angry to think he may not be being honest with me. "Brad" does have some issues. He's 44 and has never married, engaged, or even lived with anyone. And again, hasn't dated since he and I broke up …

I'd love to know your thoughts on this. Should I try to stay away completely? Should I hang in there with hopes he'll come around? We were friends first, and then it changed ... Couldn't it again?

– Not Sure What To Think, Massachusetts

Q: I kind of feel like a fool for being so saddened over this particular issue, but it's weighing heavily on my mind.

I met this guy online about a 1 or 2 months ago and we hit it off e-mailing and texting. We finally met up in person and it was great! There was no awkwardness, no weird silent moments, just great conversation and laughs. We had a wonderful kiss at the end, which led to us hanging out more. I saw him 2 or 3 more times in the same weekend, and we ended up sleeping together. This in and of itself is a major feat for me. I have a lot of issues regarding intimacy so the fact that I was so comfortable with him to be able to do that speaks volumes to me about what was happening between us.

Then, out of the blue, he e-mails me. He can't see me anymore. He's going through a lot of personal issues and trying to become more stable etc. He told me his whole long story about his past and why he is where he is now and why this can't work right now. He ended the email saying "maybe in a few months, when I'm more stable, we can try this again." I understand where he's at, and more than appreciate his honesty. He said in the message that he "really, really liked" me and I feel the same.

I'm willing to let him work himself out, but I'm terrified he's not going to remember me, or he'll meet someone else on his journey. So do I just let him go completely? Or do I try to maintain an element of friendship with occasional text messages? I'm not sure how to play this out. I don't want him to forget about me so I feel like a few texts here and there will remind him I still exist, but would that be too much for him? I don’t know what to do, but I'm completely heartbroken right now.

– Saddened in Somerville

Q: I was with my college boyfriend for several years. We broke up just before I graduated and he (being a few years older) took a job in the city. Several months later I went to Boston for work and we quickly fell back in touch. We began communicating daily and things started to feel like they used to. We never officially got back together, but it was like a committed relationship for several months. We got into a fight about our future and I quickly cut off all communication.

Things haven't changed much. We go from fighting to making up. I erase his number, he shows up at my doorstep. We've discussed it and we both find it nearly impossible to sever all ties. We have just become so dependent upon each other that we can't move on. There was a large gap between us last year when I moved out of state and we both saw other people, but it just didn't work out and I ended up moving back.

I feel like he's the love of my life and I just can't let him go. But I also feel like if he is the love of my life it shouldn't be this hard to make a relationship work. Please help!

– Still Attached, Cape

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm having a dilemma. I've been seeing someone for the past year. Things started very well with us. We were very into each other and within three months we were finally comfortable to say "I love you.”

Months ago, things turned for the worse when she told me she was questioning our relationship. I found out that she had a crush on this guy she knew from high school. One night, she went to a party with him and cheated on me. She called me that night and told me how much she regretted it and that it made her realize how much she wanted to be with me.

Our relationship was pretty rocky at that point. I decided to stay with her because I really felt like she regretted her mistake. Not long after that, they both hung out at a bar together. Me, not trusting the two together, found some text messages that they exchanged about their feelings for each other. I confronted her with that, and she blamed the alcohol.

Months later, she got a job that required her to move several hours away. Things changed directions completely after that. She became clingy, jealous, and demanding/controlling. She gets angry if I don't text her enough, if I don't show her my e-mails, or if a female posts on my Facebook. Even when I am visiting my guy friends, she gets angry with me for something or another. I feel like we always fight now and I'm feeling very confined. I feel like she's constantly angry with me for things completely out of the blue.

My dilemma is that I'm pretty sure I know what I have to do. I think I need to break up with her because I'm not happy in the relationship. But for some reason, when I have opportunities to call it off, I choke. I don't do it. I feel like I can't do it. She's talking about moving in with me and marrying me (ad nauseum) and I know that I can't do either. Do you have any advice? Does this reflect my own insecurities? Is this a common issue?

– Seeking Help, Massachusetts

Q: Roughly six years ago, when I was 21, I met J. I loved him, but I was not ready to settle down.

I often found J to be overbearing and sometimes obsessive about our relationship. We dated on and off for a few years before calling it quits when I met someone else. I lived with that person for two years and we just recently broke up. Over the last few years J and I would occasionally reconnect on birthdays, just the normal chit chat.

Fast-forward to now. I moved home a few months ago, and J found this out through mutual friends. He asked me out and we started getting together periodically, once every couple of weeks. Eventually, during one of our hangouts, I spent the night. The next day, I expected to hear from him, and the day after that and after that. Eventually I called him (I was not too pleased). I let him know that after all we had been through together (yes, I broke his heart but we did have wonderful moments) I thought he would have respected me enough to call. Needless to say we then had a very long talk. I apologized a million times and and we said that we loved each other, but he still wasn't sure.

We have hung out a few times since my outburst -- simple hangouts that have included drinks and a night spent at his place. Each time there has been an extended period of no contact before I hear from him again. He mentioned needing time, so I have not contacted him at all. I am letting him work this out at his own pace. Each time I finally hear from him, he seems to be more interested in the sleepover that comes after the drinks.

My question is -- how do I show him that I love him and that I'm sorry for the past? Is he just scared? Are these sleepovers his way of getting back at me?

– Not sure we can go back, Boston

Q: About nine years ago, I met a great guy -- let's call him JD -- and we dated for seven years before becoming engaged. But the engagement only lasted two months before I called it off. JD is Indian and Hindu and I'm white and Christian, and his mother, who feared that marrying a non-Indian would cause her son to lose his cultural identity and be unhappy, started to get involved in our relationship and start fights between us. JD never stood up for himself -- or me -- when it came to dealing with his mom and, after two months, I couldn't deal with it anymore.

After the engagement, we fumbled along with on on-again, off-again relationship for the next year and a half. During a difficult time, but still "on-again," I had a one night stand. It was wrong and inexcusable. But, when JD found out, he cut off all communication. This was over a year ago.

Fast forward to this past summer when JD and I randomly ran into each other in a store and reconnected, talking and eventually meeting up, going on a few dates, and enjoying some grilled cheese sandwiches. Our relationship is so much different now -- I've matured and his relationship with his mom is improving. We have talked openly about our past issues, especially his mom's disapproval, and he seems understanding and ready to move forward. But he also knows that it's going to take a lot for him to let go of his anger and trust me again. He's spent the last few months trying to decide if he can get past them, but hasn't figured it out yet.

We both agree that this is our last go at an "us." He is 32 (and ready to start a family) and I am 29. I have told JD that I want to be with him and am committed to the relationship and the ball is in his court now. He tells me that he doesn’t want to hurt me, but can’t seem to figure out what to do. (I've suggested talking to close friends or a therapist, both of which he has tried.) I know trust has to be earned, but how can I make up for the past? Do you think he can get over it?

– Waiting for the Sacred Cow to Come Home, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

About five years ago, I had a brief but intense relationship with a beautiful woman, "Suzanne." I had known her almost a decade prior and had a crush on her back then, and one day years later we bumped into each other and it seemed like kismet. In reality, though, it was bad timing; the relationship ended more or less amicably not long thereafter.

Now, I'm happily married to a woman who is truly my soul mate. We have a baby on the way and the future looks bright. Suzanne should be a distant memory, except she keeps popping up in my dreams.

This is happening more frequently now than it ever has over the past five years and I can't explain why. And these dreams are vivid. Suzanne appears just as I remember her, her voice is clear and articulate, and she always seems to pose questions as to why things never worked out with us. Nothing is ever resolved in these dreams, and I invariably wake up confused and angered by her intrusion, for lack of a better word.

I have not kept in touch with Suzanne, but for no particular reason we are "friends" on a certain social network. I say no particular reason because aside from the initial friending part, we have never contacted each other -- not once -- and I've looked at her page maybe twice. In one sense, I think de-friending her would be liberating because it would sever the last remaining tie -- albeit tenuous -- to Suzanne. On the other hand, in the days following a dream about Suzanne I feel compelled to contact her, but I have no idea what I would say and I doubt it would yield anything constructive.

Like you've often said, there is no such thing as closure. I believe that. I just want my dreams back.

– Get Out Of My Dreams, Boston

Q: Hey Meredith,

I'm 32 and I live in rural New England. I moved here for a job after completing a master's degree. The job is great and the area offers lots of outdoor activities that interest me. The problem? A man shortage. And from talking with friends who live in more populous areas, this "shortage" isn't necessarily unique to my rural life -- so we're not thinking that moving is necessarily the answer. I travel enough for work to mingle outside of my local network.

I'm very social and have a large network of friends. I'm out and about in many clubs, from alumni activities to athletic organizations. I've spent plenty of time dating online and am open to these opportunities. I'm not shy at all! Blind date? Sure. Want to set me up? Go right ahead. Speed dating? Done it.

I've been in several long-term relationships, including a five-year romance in my 20s that I thought would lead to marriage but didn't. It ended over three years ago, so it is safe to say I've recovered and made it out to the other side wiser and more confident.

I've made sure not to live by a "check list," which resulted in spending two years dating a ski bum who lived with his parents. The relationship was fun but you can guess where it led: nowhere. I'm old enough to realize that at this point, I may find love with someone who is already divorced, has kids, or has some other situation that at one point would have been on my "deal-breaker" list. And yet, where are all the educated and employed men? Am I asking for too much? (I'll even make concessions for employment, given the economy.)

I know I'm not alone: I have plenty of female friends (both gay and straight) who are well-educated, many of them own their own homes, and live independently and yet yearn to share their lives with someone. The seven-weddings-a-year pandemic has passed us by and we're now all invited to baby showers and wondering when it is appropriate to consider freezing our eggs (no joke).

So here's my fear: while my dream is to find true love that eventually leads to marriage and kids, the last thing I want to do is go "munting" (man hunting). Everyone knows that husband hunting gives off a whiff of desperation. And yet the alternative is to "give it time," "be patient," and "let fate do its thing" while the biological clock keeps ticking.

Is this a lose-lose situation? Who's better off: the single ladies who put their name in their hat online or those who refuse to submit to the (somewhat justified) stereotype that we’re all munting and wait it out? I'm turning to you because advice from married friends is exhausting and not helpful. And the rest of us haven't figured it out.

– Munting Season, Vermont

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a huge fan of your column and this is my first letter. I am 27 and my best friend/boyfriend is four years older than I am. We'll call him Henry. I love Henry so much, but things between us seem to be going down the drain. We've been together for almost two years. But about a year ago we separated for a few months because I felt our long term goals didn't match.

Lately I've been thinking about both of the guys I dated during that separation and how much better they treated me. They asked me what I wanted to do when we went out and they did little things to show that they cared about me physically and emotionally. Henry has always done whatever he wants to do and I have settled. When I have felt strongly about things I have kept quiet about them for months -- sometimes 6 months. I just tend to do everything his way. He also criticizes me constantly. I recently lost my temper twice and we had a fight about my roommate who was annoying me and my driving. I think I lost my temper because I'm fed up with his general behavior. Things have been this way between us for six months or so but we have both been busy with work and just content enough to stay together. I don't think he likes someone else but I'm sure he fantasizes about other women/things. I think he feels that he is tied to me so he shouldn't be expected to do other things that make me happy.

Overall he is a wonderful person and I even love his family. I would love to marry this person further down the road, but it seems like he is more independent than I am and critical. I love him so much and have tried to give him what he wants, but I don't know if I can take it any more. Is it possible to change this pattern with Henry and did I set myself up for it to end this way? Should I do the scary dating thing again? I know it is also a rough world out there. The upside to all of this is all of the frustration I didn't take out on Henry I spent at the gym for the past 4 months! So I am in the best shape of my life, but the person I'm with hasn't even noticed. Thanks!

– Holding on to Lost Expectations, Boston

Q: One of my best friends is an avid LL reader, and when she heard my dilemma she suggested I write in. I'm hoping you and your readers can help me sort out this situation.

"Jim" has been my friend since I remember -- we grew up together and were always close. After high school we went to separate colleges but continued to stay in touch and get together during every break. His freshman year, he met "Alice" and they began date -- staying together for all four years of college. Since they dated for so long, I hung out with her many times throughout their relationship, going on trips, going out on group dates, etc. Jim broke up with Alice at the end of this past summer after meeting somebody else, whom he began dating almost immediately after ending things with Alice. Because of the time I've spent with Alice over the past four years, I have come to consider her one of my good friends. Having just gone through a rough break up myself, I reached out to her after Jim ended things (after asking his permission to keep in touch with her, which he granted.)

The problem is that I've had feelings for Alice ever since we were introduced. My feelings were simply attraction while she was dating my friend, as I was in a relationship for the majority of time as well. But now that we're both single and we've continued to talk, my feelings for her have grown to something more. Recently, we've had a conversation about how we both have feelings for one another. We went on a date that was absolutely amazing and had a nearly perfect first kiss. However, throughout the night, she did voice her concern that she felt guilty and the only reason she doesn't want to commit to dating me 100% is because she was with my friend for so long. I too feel incredibly guilty -- here I am breaking the number one rule, dating my best friend's ex.

Am I a terrible friend? Is it fair to date Alice? How long do I wait to see if the two of us are actually going to work out before I approach Jim about the situation? Or, despite my belief that Alice and I could be a great fit, should I completely back off?

– A Confused Friend, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I could really use your help this holiday season before I make a huge turkey of myself. Here's the back story: I'm a single mom in her mid-30s and I've been separated and divorced for five years. My problem is with my ex-boyfriend, whom I dated for a little over a year. We broke up one year ago when he moved away to go back to school.

To say I had a hard time with the breakup would be a bit of an understatement. I knew it was the right thing to do, particularly since he is significantly younger than I am, but my will is awfully weak when my heart is involved. It didn't help that he was one of those "I love you, but -- " and "let's be friends" kind of ex-boyfriends. My dating experience at that point had been really limited, and I didn't realize that still communicating but not getting any caring out of it would be so destructive. After nearly a year of frustration, we stopped talking for awhile, and I started feeling like myself again. Dating has been horrible so far, though; just a series of awkward first dates with no connection whatsoever. I can't seem to find anyone I like as much as I liked my ex (nor, to be honest, as much as I like my mail man, my chiropractor, and the friendly check-out guy at Whole Foods).

Here's the problem with my ex: we're friendly again, and e-mail very occasionally. However, when he comes home for holidays, it's a different story -- he writes and calls often, making it very clear that he's between girlfriends and wants to hook up. He has always claimed that he loves me and that I'm the only person in the world who understands him -- but I know the truth about such things. Even knowing this, though, I have to confess that I am so weak-willed that I have taken him up on his offers. The memory of love is strong, and it's hard to not want to revisit it. And even though it's usually just for a day or two, it's awfully nice to have someone care about you for awhile.

I'm at the point where I'm forcing myself to go out of town (all my family lives out of state, which doesn't help) for the holidays, even though I'd rather stay home. I know he'll be here for the holidays and looking to "reconnect," and I know also that, while it gets easier to say "no" as time goes on, saying "no" to even a single day of love and attention isn't something I can do easily even though I know it's the right choice.

Can you please give me some advice for keeping my distance? Other than making up a fantasy boyfriend (I tried that once, but it fell through pretty quickly), is there anything I can say to him that will make a difference other than "no"? I'd like him to understand that you can't treat people like this, but somehow I can't reach him. Oh, and if you could throw in a side dish of consolation for those of us who feel like we're going to be alone and disconnected from humanity for the rest of our natural life, I'd be grateful!

– Better Than a Booty Call, Newton

Q: Dear LL,

Almost three weeks ago, I was dumped for the first time. We're both 23 (young love, I know) and dated for about two years. After about six months together we began a long-distance relationship (three hours apart). He started working and I started medical school. Over the next year and a half, we built a wonderful and honest relationship, talking every night and spending amazing weekends together.

Then, over the past few months, he began distancing himself. He said that he needed space to "find himself," so I backed off and tried to understand/support him. We joked that it was his quarter-life crisis. After a while, he seemed more interested in our relationship and making future plans, which I took as a positive sign. Apparently, he thought otherwise. Two days before I was going to visit him, he called and dumped me. I was completely devastated. He said that he couldn't handle the distance anymore since there is no end in sight (I have two more years of school). From my perspective, our time together was well worth the drive. Either way, the real problem is now getting over him, especially since he is insisting that we remain friends.

Since the break-up, we've talked plenty and he even came to visit for an afternoon to discuss things in person since we broke up over the phone (lame, right?). All this time, his focus was on being friends and he kept on setting rules about our new "friendship." We can talk two nights a week, see each other every month or two, etc. While I would love to keep him in my life, I know that I need to get the idea of us out of my head before considering any type of friendship with him (and only one without those ridiculous rules). He seems to think that ending our relationship and starting a new friendship can blend seamlessly into one another.

When we talked tonight, I finally told him that we need to stop communicating completely so that I can try to move on and then maybe come back to the idea of being friends. He told me that the decision was mine to make, but was clearly upset about it and immediately began asking when I thought we could talk again. Just when I was confident about moving on, he's suddenly afraid to lose his "best friend." Talk about confusing?!

So here's my question: am I finally making the right moves to move on? I'm feeling partly confident/partly confused about my decision and just need advice and encouragement because I still feel heart-broken too. And I don't really understand how this will ever come full circle into a friendship.

– Making Moves to Move On, New York

Q: I'm going to get this out fast before I lose the nerve to send my emotional distress out into the universe for judgment. I've been with my boyfriend for three years and we've lived together for half that time. I'm in my late 20s and he is in his late 30s, divorced with kids.

Our relationship progressed pretty quickly -- we fell in love and experienced all of the wonderful things about a new romance. Overall, everything has been really good between us. We laugh together, travel together, and have planned our future together. My only concern throughout our relationship surrounds his divorce. Boyfriend does not like talking about it, didn't willingly share information about it, and doesn't like to answer my questions about it. From the beginning I assumed that his divorce was final (he never said otherwise), but I recently found out that the divorce wasn't legally finalized until last year (around the time we moved in together). I had a feeling this was the case because certain things did not add up but he kept denying it. I didn't want to press the subject because it would always end up in a fight and I wanted to believe him. He finally confessed.

I have no doubts about his feelings toward me and his dreams of being with me forever. The ex-wife is a non-issue for us as they have been separated for years. The delay with the divorce was simply technical difficulties with paperwork. My question to you and the readers is -- will I be able to trust him now that I know he has withheld information? He admits that he made a mistake and assures me that he was trying to protect me because I didn't deserve to go through it and he was afraid he would lose me. I understand that divorce is just an official legal date but I feel misled. Does his fear of loss -- and his attempt to protect me from the mess of his past relationship -- justify his long-lasting lie? I have been told by people who have gone through divorce how devastating and embarrassing it can be, so does this qualify him for a second chance? My heart wants to be with him but my head tells me this is a deal breaker. Boyfriend tells me he has never been happier in his life now that he is with me, but I'm not feeling too happy at the moment.

– Follow My Heart or Throw In The Towel?, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I've never had a problem meeting women. My problem has always been maintaining a long-term relationship. I dated the same girl from the age of 19 until 25. Things unfortunately didn't work out, and that led to my current predicament. Since the breakup, most of my relationships have only lasted between three and four months, and they usually end with the fun "you're a great guy, but ..." cliche. Obviously I'm doing something wrong. How do I figure out what it is? I will add that I have ended some relationships, but the majority of them have been ended by the girl.

I've asked my female friends for advice and they've told me to keep doing what I'm doing and eventually someone will realize what they have in me. Not terrible advice, but it hasn't solved my problem. I've also tried using Google -- and that brought me to various advice sites for men (AskMen.com and the like). The only things I've gathered from them is that I should be confident, aloof, and act like the last thing on Earth I would want to do is spend time with a girl. Is that stuff true? And how would I know when to stop acting that way?

Is it possible to meet a girl and build a relationship while being myself? Do I follow the advice men's sites provide? I know I have a lot to offer. I'm not needy, clingy, or jealous. I have a job I love, a great group of friends, a house that keeps me way too busy, and plenty of my own hobbies and interests. How do I find someone to share that with? Trying to figure this out has been driving me crazy. It feels like I'm looking for the answer to a riddle I'll never figure out.

– Frustrated & Confused, Keller, Texas

Q: Hi Meredith,

My relationship of close to two years recently came to an end. In the beginning things were perfect between "Joe" and I. We had great chemistry, shared many interests, and genuinely loved spending time with each other.

However, the last several months of our relationship were not that great. I was unhappy at work and having problems with my roommate. I took a lot of my frustrations out on Joe. I became dependent on him because I feared losing him, and I spent little time with my friends. I picked fights with Joe for no reason, or simply because I was unhappy with my job. Slowly, he began to withdraw. He finally had enough and broke up with me.

Since our breakup I changed companies and I'm now living on my own. My relationship with my former roommate is perfect and I'm no longer depending on one person for a social life. I'm going out again, meeting up with old friends, and really enjoying my new freedom.

The only thing that's missing is Joe. I still love him and I think about him constantly. The two of us said that our relationship was the most meaningful one that either of us had ever had. I pictured myself marrying him and having children with him one day. If I could change the last months of our relationship, I would in a heartbeat.

However, a week after we officially broke up, Joe started dating someone else. The new girl, "Jane," is from the same town as him. They met through friends and are now in an exclusive relationship.

I'm devastated. It's been a little over three months since we broke up, and I agree the two of us need to move on, but how can he move on so quickly? When we broke up he told me that he was not a relationship guy, that he didn't know what he wanted. But now he is practically in another relationship with someone else.

When will I be able to move on? I lost a wonderful guy because of my inability to handle my own drama, and I also lost my sense of pride. I gave everything to him and I was there for him through thick and thin. I thought about him constantly, bought him things he needed, cooked him dinners, helped him with work. How can I be replaced so quickly? Was I really that bad? Is this a rebound, or do I just have to suck it up and deal with the fact that I lost him and things will never go back to the way they were?

– Upset and Not Ready to Move On, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith and Loyal Readers,

I might be in the biggest possible pickle of my life. OK, well not the biggest, but it's up there. I had been dating a guy for about a year and we talked about moving in together when my lease was up this winter. He got scared back in August and decided that he needed to take a step back. Which is fine. We're both 27 and I'd rather him be sure than not sure. Granted, we've talked every day since his decision to take a step back, and we see each other on occasion. Although at times it doesn't seem romantic, I still have a little bit of a flame flickering for him.

That little flame, unfortunately, is the least of my problems.

My problem is the bombshell he dropped on me this afternoon. Hold on, let me back up to Friday. Friday night he met me for a drink and a movie. The conversation over the drink was great. Things seemed to be going well and I was hopeful that we might be taking a step back in the right direction. I decided not to get my hopes up and talked myself into letting things progress naturally. Why push the subject if there's no subject to push yet, right? The drive home was also great and we talked about when we could see each other again. He was very active in communicating the rest of the weekend, which surprised me a little.

Fast forward to Monday morning. So he IMs me from "ABC Company," where he works, and we chat throughout the day. We made plans for the next week and mentioned an event he thought we would both like to attend in December.

Then, shortly after lunch, he told me he was interested in my company, "XYZ Company," which is ironically down the road from ABC. Needless to say, I felt like I was punched in the stomach. I know how miserable he is at ABC and that he would like it at XYZ. So I told him I would pass on his resume to the HR Director. He said he would put together his resume this week and send it over to me to pass along.

Here's what I'm thinking -- that this is the end of the chances of us getting back together. Do office romances really work in the long run? So what should I do? Do I actually pass along his very qualified resume or do I lie and say we're on a hiring freeze and continue on with our current situation? I know it sounds selfish if I lie but do I consider my feelings or his? What a mess.

Please help!!!!!!

– Stuck Between a Rock & My Heart Place, Burlington

Q: I was married for six years, but left my husband after he turned into a controlling, conceited, self-absorbed hermit who thought his paycheck was where his contribution to our relationship began and ended. I left him -- and his financial security -- because I was losing myself and couldn't accept what my life had become.

Our divorce was quick. He was devastated but cooperative. Our post-divorce ties went on forever because of real estate that wouldn't sell in a bad market (the super-size house he saw as the route to his happiness was not popular with buyers).

He had intensive therapy, which led him to apologize for the years of bad behavior. He moved away, met a woman, and reported being really happy. At that point we tried to maintain a friendship. Six months into his new happy relationship, I had just started dating someone and didn't tell him because it was so new. He came back to town and hired people to do some work on the house and so that it would be easier to sell. I stayed with friends during this time.

My new boyfriend came by while a not-so-great contractor was working and pointed out areas of the work that were in dire need of improvement. He told the contractor not to mention his presence to my ex-husband because things were strained between us. Of course the contractor mentioned my boyfriend's presence when following up with my ex over the phone, and that resulted in my getting the silent treatment and a bitter e-mail asking about my boyfriend. This was almost two years after our divorce and more than six months into his new, happy relationship.

My ex and I now only interact by e-mail when there's official business that comes up. He was prone to temper tantrums, making me want to opt for as little communication as possible. When we do communicate, it's with a fake friendliness. We still have some mutual friends, and our parents still keep in touch a few times a year. I don't know where he's living and don't really care to ever see him again. I do know he's still with the same person he met a few years ago.

My quandary: my boyfriend and I are planning on eloping (we very much want to make a lifelong commitment but don't want to deal with the hoopla and expense of a wedding). What is the right thing to do -- should I tell my ex when we are married? And if so, by what means? I don't want to deal with drama and I don't know if there would be more drama if I did or didn't tell him, and he's bound to find out by some other means.

– Happily Moved On, Providence

Q: Longtime lurker, first time writer.

I dated my ex for five years including a few months living together after college. He had his share of problems, which he frequently took out on me, and very few friends. This was exacerbated by his problem with alcohol.

To make a long story short, he broke up with me saying he just didn't feel like he used to but there wasn't anyone else. A few days later my gut told me something wasn't right about it and I used my "resources" to find out the truth, which was that he had been cheating for months with someone I had considered a close friend. (FYI for Meredith and readers, I am not the jealous type at all and do not typically snoop, spy, or anything of the sort. I am actually usually more trusting than is deserved! Sometimes you really SHOULD listen to your own intuition!)

After the break-up, I started dating a good friend who I've known since before the ex and I even met. My family and friends can't stop gushing about how much they love seeing me with the current bf. He is wonderful in more ways than I could ask for … good to me, fun, social, responsible, family-oriented, the best grilled cheese sandwiches … but I can't get rid of this nagging feeling that the ex and I were meant for each other. I've never had anyone "get" me like that, and I don't think it's just the five years. An example: the current boyfriend tries to finish my sentence but is usually incorrect. With the ex, he didn't even have to finish my sentence if I was at a loss for words because he already knew exactly what I was trying to say.

I understand that it probably sounds silly. I have the current boyfriend who is everything I want on paper and is an incredible person, and then there's the ex who doesn't deserve me and maybe never did, but we have that deeper connection. The ex and I still talk on occasion (yes, the current bf is aware of this). He has also been dating someone else for a while now, but we have talked about how neither of us currently has the connection we had (and still have) with each other.

I have no delusions about the relationship with the ex being perfect, but when someone has betrayed your trust in such a major way, is there any coming back from that? Am I wrong to compare the current boyfriend to someone who treated me as if I was disposable? I already feel like I'm damaged goods and possibly not capable of loving the way I used to. Am I even more damaged and broken than I realized?

I always think that the songs that ring true to you tell you more about yourself than you might already be aware of. Before things even ended with the ex, the Sara Bareilles song "Gravity" hit me to the core, and currently La Roux’s “Bulletproof” is having that effect.

– I've Been Thinking of Writing This For Months Now, Boston

Q: I just broke up with my significant other ... due to some things about him that I found distasteful. Like certain mispronunciations he makes that make him appear less intelligent, and a strange facial tic.

I don't think he can change these things, and I don’t think I could stand them forever. He treated me very well and is a good person. I thought that I loved him, but recently these habits began to really bother me. Am I just a coldhearted witch for not being able to overlook the small things and be grateful for the good? At my age, should I just have been happy to have a partner that treated me well? (We are both hard-working, divorced, over-40 adults and have been together less than a year.) Thank you for any insight! (If it makes a difference, I am female!)

– Coldhearted Witch

Q: Dear Meredith,

Here are the facts: I am in love with my ex-boyfriend and he is in love with me. We are both divorced from marriages that lacked affection, communication, etc. -- things we both need in a relationship. We have been in each other's lives for the better part of 17 years.

Ten years ago, I made a big move to be with him, and he decided 10 days later to disappear. It was agony and instant devastation for me. Although we were in our early 20s, I truly had no doubts about being with this man (obviously he had doubts about me). In hindsight, I may have dramatized the break-up because I was incredibly hurt. I even moved out of the country to try and find a retreat to heal, and five years later I was still seeking answers. I finally worked up the courage to contact him and ask him outright. He said he had tried to contact me and even knew my previous addresses. I had been blaming myself for years when in reality, it was his issues.

The thing is, we rushed in, and because I was so devastated, everyone around me now hates him for leaving me somewhat stranded the way he did. My mother thinks he was a complete coward. He and I keep in touch regularly and we truly believe that maybe now that we are older and surer of ourselves and each other -- that we could have 'our time' and be truly happy. I would like to at least try because I have no desire to move on until I've given it one more chance.

Recently, I have tried to work his name into the conversations with my mother and she told me that if I ever try to contact him again, she would walk out of my life because it would put her in her grave. (Talk about drama!) This is a man who really screwed up, but it’s not unforgivable in my mind -- because I have never stopped being in love with him. Don't get me wrong, he will have to move mountains to prove himself.

I just don't know how we can try this when my mother is placing such a huge ultimatum on me. He and I are willing to fight this fight together but hurting her (and I truly believe it would affect her health) is scary. How can we help her be more comfortable to let us try this again? I was thinking that seeing a therapist, maybe all together might give her a chance to really get to know him better, as well as get some concerns on the table for discussion. Plus it would show a real effort on our parts that I hope she can recognize we are doing for ourselves but also because we care so much about her. We want her in our lives and being apart makes us so unhappy..

– A Mum-timatum, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I've been with my girlfriend for about seven years. We've talked about marriage and everything. We started dating in high school and spent so much time together that we kind of lost touch with friends. At the time, that seemed OK. We went to the same college, which is when I realized I wanted to connect with my friends again. This is where I think things started to go wrong.

I was spending more time with friends and less time with her, which started fights and temporary break-ups. I made mistakes but rationalized them because we were young. After college we moved in together, which started off great. But we fell into this routine, and we started hanging out with our friends more again and spending less time with each other. A year ago, we both questioned if we were still in love. A few months back, we agreed to move into separate apartments with friends. She moved in with a coworker, and I moved in with strangers from Craigslist, which couldn't have worked out better because my new roommates are great people. She said this move would put perspective on our relationship, make us appreciate our time together more, and not take each other for granted anymore. I agreed.

After the move, things got progressively worse. Not with me, but with her. She stopped calling me and paying any attention to our relationship. She told me she hasn't been happy for a while, mostly because of my actions and her distrust in me (which I understand). She wanted to take a break/break-up. I agree, I was unhappy at times, I questioned if I was truly in love with her. I haven't been the best person.

The time spent away from her since the move has given me perspective on my life and what I truly want. I no longer question if I'm in love with her. I've fallen head over heels for her … again! But she doesn't feel the same. She feels stressed, guilty, and sad for doing this to me. I don't want to pressure her into getting back with me because she feels guilty -- that's not right. She says she still loves me a lot, she says she can still see her self marrying me in the future, but she's not certain. I've been pouring my heart out to her, hoping something will click. And I feel like its just making things worse.

I've been finding ways to be happy, but those feelings are only temporary. I think about her constantly. I still have so much to say to her, I still have so much left in me to give to her. What should I do? She says she needs time, which I agree with. However, she thinks it's not a good idea to even talk. She is completely cutting me out of her life because she's confused. How does a person fall back in love with someone when they’re not around?

I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, but I'm ready to share the rest of my life with her. Should I keep fighting for her or give her all the space she needs? Maybe she just isn't in love at all anymore but can't admit it? I don't want to be the person saying that she's the one that "got away." Should I go for broke?

– Falling to pieces, Brookline

Q: Dear Meredith,

This letter could go on for pages. I'll spare you my psychoanalyzing. That's what your reader comments are there for.

My girlfriend is 35 -- ten years older than me. We met at a party about six months ago and began seeing each other casually. We moved slowly at first, but things organically developed into a serious relationship. We work full-time, enjoy each other's company, have overlapping interests, and spend about 75 percent of our time together. Our relationship has progressed quite quickly compared to my longest relationship of four years and hers of ten.

All would be hunky-dory if it weren't for the fact that her ten-year relationship ended about two weeks after we met. They had intertwined finances, property, professional, and social lives. Their relationship ended amicably -- all I know about why is that they had just fallen out of love. Understandably, she was and is still saddened by her loss, which is why I was initially hesitant to start anything more than casual hooking up with her. However, she initially said that things were tough but getting easier, that she was out of love for a few years and so the fact that her relationship was over wasn't going to affect what we had.

Recently (for the past two months) she's been more distant, sad, crying at times, and reflective about her past relationship. When we do things or go places that she did with the ex (essentially everything because they'd been together since she was a student in Boston), she is noticeably sad and sometimes withdrawn. To complicate things, most of their mutual friends started as her ex's, and still are. She tells me she feels like she had lost herself in that relationship and doesn't have anyone besides me and a couple out-of-state friends to rely upon.

It's gotten to the point where she's said she isn't sure about continuing dating, that she's still devastated by the break-up and loss (of her extended family, their home, their life), and that she needs to find herself, but wants to do so with me. She tells me she's a mess, and doesn't know why I'm with her. I've definitely shown and told her in many ways that I love her dearly.

We've decided to stay together and try to weather this storm together. I'm more emotionally invested in this relationship than I've ever been, and don't want to cut things short where I see such potential. On the other hand, I don't want to continue giving all of myself if she is going to realize (in 2 weeks/months/years) that she needs to be single in order to fully recover from this break-up.

Will she get over her loss? Do we need to break things off in order for her to heal? Are there actions I can take to remedy this situation while we stay together? Any advice you have is appreciated.

– Am I a Rebound Boyfriend?, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

My friends and I love your column and (usually) consider your advice to be law. I'm writing about a friend. Not quite a "love" letter. I hope it counts as one because I love my friend and I need some advice on how to pull her out of her funk.

My best friend (26) recently terminated a bad relationship. From the things that she has said about him and the times that I saw them together, I feel like she should be thrilled to be away from him. He was verbally abusive to her in front of her friends, and while she won't talk much about their actual relationship, I have some pretty serious suspicions about what went on that she is not telling me. Since breaking up, he has continued to contact her despite her changing her phone number. He always seems to find her.

It's literally all she talks about. This ex. She's morbidly convinced that he is going to continue to reach out to her and that he might be a danger. I've heard some of his messages, and while I'm unhappy he's contacting her, I think she may be overreacting.

In the past few weeks I've noticed that she's been avoiding me. When I question her she says she's fine -- but she's not fine. She hasn't been eating, she's been drinking more, her usual bouncy attitude is just not present, she's crying all the time, and she's just sort of miserable to be around. She admits that she's not her usual self but gets defensive when I say anything to her. She says she has every right to be angry, that she is talking to a professional, and that she really just wants me to back off.

So Meredith, when is a kick in the pants appropriate? I want my friend to realize how lucky she is to be away from this creep and to stop dwelling on him and what he did. I want my awesome, positive best friend back! What do I say? What do I do? How can I make her realize she's an awesome, wonderful person and that she needs to get back to normal?

– She Should Be Happy It’s Over, Brookline

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am not sure if this qualifies as "love" advice, but I would like your advice all the same. A few years ago I met a remarkable girl. She is stunningly beautiful, but that doesn't even begin to explain how unbelievable she is. When we first met, we hit it off immediately, and I would have liked nothing more to date her if it wasn't for the fact that she had a boyfriend. Knowing that she wasn't going to break up with her boyfriend, I accepted her as a friend and felt very lucky to have her in my life. We laughed all the time, engaged in many intellectual conversations, and exchanged our secrets. We were inseparable.

Earlier this year, she broke up with her boyfriend and I made my move. Unfortunately, she told me that the reason she broke up with her boyfriend was because she liked another man. I was heartbroken. I did not know what to do. Our friendship started to deteriorate from there. We both began to suffer personal problems with our families. My father was diagnosed with an illness, and her mother had problems, too. We began fighting constantly. I had a hard time accepting her new boyfriend and had suspicions about him, even though I recognize that those suspicions rose out of jealousy.

After much arguing we did not talk for a few months, then about a week ago I decided it was time to try to rebuild that bridge. I tried to apologize, but she just viewed it as more of the same drama we had been experiencing in the past. I tried to explain that I wanted to be friends again, but she just said "we were once great friends, but not anymore. Don't contact me again."

It has always been hard for me to maintain friendships throughout my life. I have never had a friendship like hers. I know the same is true for her, yet it is impossible for me to make her see that the past could have just been a rocky patch in our friendship and nothing more.

How do I earn back her trust and friendship? Will time heal?

– Without a Friend in Boston

Q: Where to start. I am a college student and I have been dating this girl I love for almost three years now. We were practically married; spent a majority of the day with each other, slept in each other's rooms every night, and things were going pretty well.

But last weekend she told me that she was flying to visit her father down south. When she returned on Monday she seemed very distant, cold, and like a completely different person. The next day we grabbed lunch together, and here's the real kicker -- she tells me that she actually didn't visit her father. She spent the weekend at this guy's house, someone she met at her grandfather's funeral a month ago. She cheated on me. I'm so in love with her that I forgave her and told her I wanted to make us work. She is now in a limbo and tells me she has no idea if she wants to be with me or be with this guy. We still see each other almost everyday for a meal and we act as if everything is normal. We hug, say we love each other, and when I ask her how she feels about us she still tells me that she has no idea what to do. And she continues to wear the necklace I gave her, but also the dog tags her new friend gave her last weekend.

And I blame myself for her cheating on me completely. My mother passed away suddenly two years ago and I took a lot of my anger out on her. Nothing physical -- but I would say some very demeaning, hurtful things. I never really fully appreciated her in our relationship and now I fully regret it. Now that she is gone I know what I had and I want to make it better. So what should I do? Should I give her time and wait for her? Do I move on and try to forget? And what do I say and do to try to get her back? Thanks a lot for the help!

– I Want Her Back, Pembroke

Q: I'm 28 was recently told by my fiance (whom I dated for 4-plus years before getting engaged) that he didn't want to marry me. I had relocated to a god-awful place in WNY to be with this person prior to our engagement. When it was broken off abruptly, I hightailed it out of there and returned home to be with my family after about 10 years away.

Since moving home, I have reconnected with past flames and been on a few dates with people I just met, all ending in complete lack of interest on both sides. It seems, however, that the people who are in the same proverbial "boat" -- either in the midst of a divorce or recently out of a long-term relationship -- seem extremely interested in me. I am a bit weary about jumping into a relationship like this, which leads to my questions:

Do people with baggage seem to cling to others with baggage in order to cope with their situation? Is a relationship stemming from said baggage less real/meaningful?

– Confused, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I love your column, including the commentary from your loyal and witty readers. I'm writing because I'm rather peeved with a long time friend/could-have-been suitor, Jay. I met Jay about 15 years ago when I was 19 and he was 29. Timing and other issues (he was weird and a bit too intense/I had a boyfriend) prevented us from pursuing a relationship. We remained friends until it became too awkward being around him knowing he had feelings for me that I didn't reciprocate.

After losing touch for a few years, we became reacquainted. We spoke and e-mailed each other throughout the day, hung out several times during the week, and later we started an intimate relationship. I introduced him to my family and friends but never met any of his. He would speak about his family in the vaguest terms, never even mentioning them by name. Still, I found myself developing strong feelings for him, but Jay was hesitant to acknowledge we were anything other than friends. I wasn't okay with this, so I made clear we could be friends but there would be no more sex.

When I started dating other people, he admitted he was jealous and expressed happiness when things didn’t work out with the new guy(s). He hinted that we should be together and constantly reminded me that if I had "chosen" him, we'd be married with children today. He even planned a weekend trip out of town -- nothing romantic, just something to do (a sudden death my family caused us to nix those plans).

My feelings for him never really diminished -- actually quite the opposite -- but during this time some red flags went up (no home or cell phone/roommates denied Jay actually lived with them, even though I've spent several nights there). I've always joked that Jay is married or living with someone, but he has always been ready with a plausible excuse. I don't have concrete proof that he is involved with anyone else and he has never changed his story, but lately I just don't feel right about this situation. To be honest, it shouldn't even matter considering I'm currently in a relationship (fyi - I never cheated on my boyfriend with Jay). However, I do love Jay and at the very least, I've always considered him one of my closest friends. I'm angry and saddened that he would lie to me like this for so long, and a small part of me feels that I should get some actual proof before cutting him completely out of my life.

Meredith, what is the likelihood that there's a perfectly logical explanation for Jay's situation? Does he deserve a chance to prove that he is not married or in a relationship with someone else? Why would someone who purports to be a good friend do something like this?

– I Need Better Friends, Boston

Q: I feel like such a tool writing about this because it seems so minuscule compared to the other letters you post. But I'm stuck and I'm hoping you might be able to make some sense of my situation.

To sum up a really long story, I'm 24 and my boyfriend turned 25 last week. We have been dating for six years. We met one month before I graduated high school. We went to different colleges, but both in the state and both still live at home with our parents for financial reasons. I am ashamed of this because I feel I should be out on my own at this age, as should he, but that's an issue for another day.

A few weeks ago after work one night we did the whole date-night thing, but he seemed a little distant. When we went our separate ways he was still acting weird, so I called him to ask him what was up. One thing led to another and we met back up so that he could tell me he is unhappy and has been for two weeks. He said that it's not that he's unhappy with me -- just unhappy in general. He can't pinpoint why he feels like this. He loves me. He sees himself with me. He doesn't want to break up. He just needs space.

We have taken two breaks over the course of our relationship -- one for two weeks when we were 19, the other for eight months after he turned 21. I think, while many disagree with breaks, it was the smartest thing we could have done since we had been together at such a young age, and we both got our immature stuff out of our system. After that eight-month period, we decided we wanted to get back together. Since then our relationship has been pretty close to perfect, as far as I can tell.

Anyway, since his birthday was last week and I had already had a surprise get-together planned for all of his friends, we decided to go through with it. He said he couldn't think of anyone he'd rather spend his birthday with, so we had the party. We got along fine during the night, and honestly, if you didn't know we were "taking a break," you really wouldn't have known there was a problem. At one point at dinner I had to bring it up because it was eating away at me not knowing what has been bothering him. He couldn't tell me. He "doesn't know." He's asking for a maximum of two months. And he says he really doesn't think that I have anything to worry about, and that he really doesn't see this ending. In my gut I believe him.

We have activities planned for the next few weekends, and they are things that I cannot miss. One of them is a concert we have already bought tickets for and are both looking forward to, and the other is a weekend-long fundraiser for a mutual friend. We have many mutual friends who were his first, but they have become just as close to me over the course of our relationship.

I don't even know what I'm really asking. I'm defining this as a mid-20s crisis, since he's really got a lot going on in terms of family, not having a job, and dealing with the pressure of us growing up. I mean, we're 24 and 25. I don't have a need to get married and have kids in the next year or two. Although that is what I'm surrounded by, and I'm kind of thinking he might be feeling that pressure.

I really have faith that we'll work it out and that in the end we will be fine, but it is killing me not to talk to him or to know what's going on in his head or why he's unhappy. And I'm trying to respect his space and not call him, especially because I know I have set-in-stone times that I will see him, even if it is with a group of people. But it's hard not to think about the what-ifs. What if it's over? Could there be someone else? Is this something I should be concerned about? Is it normal for a guy to have a mid-life crisis at 25, especially given our situation?

I'm hoping you can provide some insight, advice, or just maybe a hammer across the head telling me it's going to be fine. Or that it's not. Whatever. Readers, be kind.

– Hopelessly devoted, Southern Mass.

Q: I am 27 and have been in an on-again, off-again relationship for seven years with a man who is a month older than I am. My ex, as I cannot refer to him as my boyfriend, has told me repeatedly that he is afraid of committing to me, due mostly, he says, to the fact that I have "rage problems." I have never physically harmed him, but have on two occasions grabbed his cell phone only to discover that he had been texting inappropriately and calling other women. He continues to limit his communication with me, and I find myself becoming obsessive about calling him. I wonder constantly where he is, what he is doing, and why he is not answering my calls or texts. I've explained to him that if he communicated better with me, I could "back off" and act like the independent woman that I am. If he backed away completely, I could see myself moving on, but the moment in which I'm moving away from him BOOM he's back in my life, telling me he loves me, wants to provide for me, but just isn't ready YET.

This is a very complicated relationship, but it seems to be the typical push and pull in some male and female relationships. The more I pull away, the more he comes back to me. The more he pushes me away, the more I desire his company. It's exhausting. I am tired. But I love him. How do I move on and not act crazy calling him 30 times in a row? How do I move on and meet someone new who doesn't bore me? I know in my heart we'll be happier with other people, but I love him. Help!

– Can't Let Go, Boston

Q: Mere, here is a question that I struggle with as a man. I have just recently learned that women friends lie to each other regularly and withhold feelings from one another if they feel that the other might be upset by their own feelings, truth, or opinion. They think that it is loving to save them from their own negative feelings. It is apparently an exception that one might be honest with the other and share any truth about feelings that they have with the other if they perceive that the other might get upset. Men value honesty, clarity, and directness in their friendships.

In the past couple of relationships I've had, women seemingly wanted to be treated in the same manner they would by their friends. For example, my last relationship ended because my girlfriend had fear about paying a bill. After the crisis passed a couple weeks later, I told her that I was concerned about her deteriorating financial situation (partially reflecting her own fear back to her) and asked her about what priorities she had in her life. Because I was aware of her situation, I had been paying for the vast majority of dating expenses and helped her with other tasks so that she wouldn't be further financially burdened. She blamed me for causing her to go into a deep sense of fear and told me that I shouldn't have expressed my feelings or concern. When I told her that I wouldn't accept blame for her feelings, she basically told me that I needed to change. I've always put what is best for the relationship first. Obviously, allowing her to control me would be unhealthy for our relationship and for me. Sadly that happened in my previous marriage of over 20 years.

I believe that you can only have an authentic and intimate relationship if non-harmful self-expression is encouraged. Non-harmful self-disclosure might be something like "I feel sad about ...," "I feel worried about ...," without any criticism or blame. Since a healthy relationship was not modeled for me by my parents, I am following what relationship experts consistently advise couples to have a loving, healthy, and intimate relationship.

I don't want to dwell in the past. I am ready to move on. So now as I begin dating again, what qualities do you think I should look for in a woman that would suggest that they can take responsibility for their feelings and invite their partner to be authentic, vulnerable, and intimate? Or is that impossible and you can only tell once the power struggle in a relationship commences six-nine months down the road?

– Looking for a Self-Responsible Woman, Cambridge

Q: Dear Meredith,

I would truly appreciate your advice and the advice of your faithful followers.

My boyfriend and I get into pretty big arguments 1-2 times a week. He will say something touchy, and I'll overreact, or vice versa. We have been dating off and on for two years. We have truly broken up twice, both of which were on my terms. The first time was because of a certain way that he was acting that I found inexcusable (and he would admit that it was inexcusable as well). But it was nothing that couldn't be worked through and forgiven. The second break-up was caused by my general unhappiness and feeling overwhelmed. I panicked and tried to squeeze him out of my life. I later regretted it, apologized, admitted my shortcomings and asked for his forgiveness. To my credit, I have completely changed for the better. I really have committed myself to him, I am more affectionate, and I have done things to prove myself. I have admitted all of this to him and have accepted the blame for the second go around. I should also mention that we have been back together for three-ish months, and have always been in a long-distance relationship. I am in my late 20s and he is in his late 30s. He usually makes me happy and makes me laugh. I do love him.

Because of our past, does he have the green light to be a jerk intentionally? Does he reserve the right to say hurtful things to me as a way to get back at me for my shortcomings in the past? Sometimes I even wonder if he hates me. He sarcastically refers to me as a martyr. I can't count on both hands the number of times that he was told me that I do everything for myself and that it's "all about me." I know that I would never date anyone that I felt that way about. And he has told me these things on more than one occasion, so it is more than a simple slip of the tongue during a fight.

I am not perfect and I know sometimes I upset him, but I do not do anything to provoke this type of hatred and misery.

I guess I just wonder if things will ever change -- is it possible to move on from a rocky past into a healthy, happy relationship? Or is this a period of time that I just need to endure because I kind of have it coming to me? I am so exhausted from the fighting and from his "you're going to break up with me again, it's what you do" comments. He is the one who is miserable, and I haven't done or said anything to make him believe that I would do that to him again. It's quite the opposite.

Please help.

– Misery in Massachusetts

Q: I've just started reading your column on a daily basis. Never did I think that I would actually be writing in with a question!

I am sitting here, right now, bawlin' like a big 'ole baby, because I just had the misfortune of discovering that my boyfriend of three years, who I'd been fighting with for the past few weeks/months, decided to take down his relationship status (“In a relationship”) from his Facebook page. Now, I knew that this was coming. We had been arguing for quite some time now, over stupid stuff. It was becoming quite obvious to both of us that this relationship was not going to last forever. He is uneducated, irresponsible with money, immature, possessive, domineering, and obnoxious. I know that sounds like a lot of things that should have made me run the day I met him, but when you dig down into his background and upbringing, you can almost justify some of the way he is and acts. At least, I did. Stupid me, fell in love.

I am not looking for advice on how to save this broken partnership. I know it is useless to even try anymore. There is no more respect on either side because of things that were said. What I would like to know is how the heck does someone get over these things quickly and, somewhat, painlessly? I know it's not the right relationship for me. I get that. But why does it still hurt so much and how do you get over it? I feel like a lost little puppy. Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

– Feelin' sorry for myself at 42, Worcester

Q: Six months ago I broke up with a guy I'd been dating on and off for about eight years, since high school. In many ways it was not a healthy relationship, and as much as I had trouble finally breaking it off with Anderson, my mother, who lives in the Midwest, just can't seem to let go.

Anderson comes from a background very different than my own. None of his family members have a college degree, so when we were preparing to graduate high school, his parents were unsure how to proceed. My mother has always been a very kind-hearted and generous person, especially when she sees someone who can benefit from her help. As a result, Anderson became quickly interconnected with my family who "financially adopted" him during his college years. I'm not sure the total amount of money they gave to help him through six years of school, but I know they co-signed at least one of his student loans.

My mother has grown increasingly attached to Anderson over the years. I understand that he may have to maintain some sort of communication with my parents due to the financial aid, but my mother continues to be in regular contact with him like nothing has changed. And this is not new. When we had a split in college, my mother talked to Anderson over the phone often and assured him he would always be a part of our family no matter what. And Anderson is acting like he wants to maintain their relationship as well. This year on Mother's Day, he called my mother to catch up.

As of this month, I am finally settled into a new apartment and moving forward with my life, friends, and career. I've never felt more healthy, independent, and self-confident. However, lately, when I talk about anything happening in my life to my mother, it seems like she's not listening. She'll change the subject, say she has to let me go, or act hypercritical. I feel like she's not on my side. I hear from the rest of my family that my mother is constantly worried about Anderson's well-being. In the last six months, my mother has never once asked about my own emotional well-being.

I want to have a good relationship with my mother, but am getting increasingly frustrated and discouraged by her negative attitude towards my life choices. I've asked her to please not bring up Anderson, yet she can't seem to accept this break up. Help!

– Tired of sharing my ex-boyfriend with my mother, Somerville

Q: Dear Meredith,

I cannot believe I am writing to LL…but here it goes. I’ll try to keep it as brief as I can; I know people dislike diatribes.

I am in my early thirties and have been in a relationship for about eight yrs. We are not married but we own a home and have a dog together so we are more than invested in things. Over the past year plus, I have been feeling less and less physically and emotionally connected to this person. Our sex life is pretty bad and has been for a few years but we both just seemed to block it out because there were other things (house, dog, peaceful coexistence). We've talked about the problems before but we always just seem to go back to the same pattern of no intimacy. From a compatibility stand point we do, however, make a good "team."

We had a big talk about this recently. I told him I don't think I can handle the lack of intimacy anymore and that I don't feel it’s something we can get back. While I was somewhat doomsday, he seems determined that we can regain some sort of physical connection. We never really talk about marriage but now he tells me he was looking for a ring a week before our talk (oy vey)! Ever since we talked he has really been trying, which I do appreciate, but to put it plainly, I am just not feeling it. I feel no connection and almost become nervous at the thought that he may try to "make a move." I guess I am asking if there is any way to salvage an otherwise decent relationship. This man is really wonderful – honest, hard working, laid back, and caring. As a person and a friend, I truly love him. But I fear that if I try to force or convince myself I can overlook the missing chemistry I may come to regret it several years down the line. I'm not getting any younger and may want to have children before I am 80. Can a relationship survive on good companionship alone? And should/does a relationship even still HAVE chemistry after so long? UGH!!

Thanks for any help,

– Worried, Confused, Celibate, and Feeling Guilty in South Boston

Q: Meredith, I met my ex-fiancé in another state in 2004. We'd been out of college for a few years and working while applying to grad schools. He was accepted to a MPH program in Boston and I agreed to move there with him despite it being very hard to leave my friends and family. We have been living in Boston for a few years and have been doing quite well, though both of us are very busy and not very social. He asked me to marry him last fall and I ecstatically accepted his proposal. We had set a wedding date and had told everyone about it, bridesmaids and groomsmen, the whole nine yards. However, earlier this year I began talking to a man who I see at work. As the months went by we talked a lot just being friendly, him giving me advice on where me and my fiancé could go for our honeymoon, where me and my fiancé could move after we had saved up enough money. However, it was apparent, at least to me that there was this connection.

One day, he said he loved everything about me and that I was his favorite person, but in a platonic way. I was shocked to find he felt the same way about me as I did about him and a few days later I said I felt the same way. From there our talks became almost entirely centered on how great each of us thought the other person was. I was convinced that though there were these feelings, I would never act on them and thus everything would be fine. One weekend when my fiance was out of town, I slept with my "friend." I've slept with him several times since as well. Eventually, I made the decision to break the engagement -- not because my "friend" wanted me to be with him, as my friend was actually very adamant this not be about him and that it would have to be something I would do whether he was around or not -- but out of guilt that I cheated on my fiancé and my feeling that he would be better off without me.

It has been five weeks since we broke up and I moved out. Over the last eight days I have been alone a lot since my "friend" has been out of town, and I am beginning to feel more and more that I have made a huge mistake. My fiancé and I are great together, and though we never had the most passionate of relationships, we do have some passion, and we have been together for five years and worked wonderfully well together until my infidelity. If I try to get back with my fiancé, I feel almost certain he will take me back with some begging, but not if he knows I cheated on him. And if he took me back and somehow found out about my indiscretions he would be hurt again and possibly worse. I also feel that the relationship with my "friend" will never work since it is severely tainted because of the circumstances during which it began.

This whole thing makes me sick and my gut tells me the only way this will end well is if I sever ties with both.

– Wanting my fiancé back, Massachusetts

Q: This will be the first time I've ever written to an advice column, but there's a first for everything or so I've been told. I find the act both slightly embarrassing and therapeutic. I am currently undergoing the pain of a 4+ year relationship ending. For a period, I was deeply in love and could only see the good. We lived together and even adopted a wonderful little screwed-up dog that we shared the care of. Now I am living by myself with sole custody of the pooch. My companion moved out over two months ago but things started going south slowly long before then. She became sad and I became withdrawn, perhaps not in that order.

For each of us it was the longest romantic relationship we have ever been in, and neither of us has ever been married or anything like that. When it was good, it was great. She's several years younger, and I think she changed more over the years than I did. That may be a large contributing factor to how things have ended up. At the time I had no plans of dating someone so much younger than me, but we both made each other happy so ignored that part and went for it.

After she moved out, we agreed that we wouldn't look elsewhere but would take time to try to sort things out, as whatever happened, taking a little time to think would be healthiest for us. We agreed we both needed to think about ourselves and not cloud anything up with having another person enter the picture. I, for one, had zero interest in looking for anyone else, especially before we achieved some sort of final resolution. I was the one who brought up the "let's not see anyone else" to make sure we were on the same page, as experience seems to have taught me that being explicit about certain things can prevent issues from arising.

The day I planned on asking her to move back in, and the first time I was seeing her after she moved out, I found out she began a relationship almost immediately (as in within days) after moving out. I am not sure of the details, nor do I think knowing them would actually help, but I know it involved kissing on at least "a few" occasions, and I have reason to believe more. While largely irrelevant, the real twist is the relationship she began was with a woman. I know my ex is not a lesbian, and I think her fling is over, but the hurt I felt when I found out was tremendous.

Of course, there are two sides to every story, and you're obviously only getting my side. I think from her side, I withdrew and became uncommunicative and failed to "step up to the plate" so to speak by not being sure about which direction we should go. I try to be honest, and I said things that were probably quite hurtful, including that some days I could see us making a life together, while other days I was not entirely sure. I have interacted with her twice since she left, once when I found out about the affair, and once when we spent hours together talking, which was both sad and a relief, and was instigated by me. She doesn't want to see me or the dog, as she says it hurts her too much. I spoke with her last night again, and it was clear that in her mind it is totally over, which I'm not sure I am/was ready to accept, but I kind of think I don't have much of a choice in the matter at this point.

We both have separately started going to therapy on the theory that if we both are hurting as much as we are, therapy certainly couldn't hurt. It's a first for me, and I believe it is for her as well. It certainly hasn't solved anything (I'm only five weeks into it), but being as unhappy about how things have turned out I am pretty much willing to try anything.

I guess my preamble is my way explaining the questions I am struggling with:
1) what happened?
2) how do I deal with not seeing my best friend/lover/companion/co-dog adopter from the last four years of my life?
3) how do I not miss her profoundly?

– Confused But At Least I Have A Nice Dog, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm a 48-year-old gay man in his first serious relationship. Yes, I came out late in life. My boyfriend, “Chuck,” is 42 years old and tells me that this is also his first serious gay relationship. We met when we were both living in another state --- and things were going reasonably well for few years when we both lived there.

We are very much opposites in personality. I’m more introverted and he's an extrovert, a true people person. I'm an academic while he's a great bartender. That's only important because my job pays more and provides the health insurance. His pay fluctuates greatly depending on the tourist economy. The plan was that once we got married, he'd go back to school.

We have had some rocky times and some absolutely great times. But we've run into trouble this past year. When things got shaky with my old company in the state where we met, we talked for almost four months about what to do, whether I should restrict my job search to a specific geographic region or expand it. We also talked about what it would take for him to move with me. He had said things like "I want to be with you, where you go I'll go." The best job, which was in a state that would allow us to get married, was up here.

Unfortunately, one of Chuck's parents became seriously ill and he wound up staying down there longer than expected. During this time, he kept telling me that he was moving and would keep setting new dates to move, delaying each date by two weeks or so, even when I would have just been OK if it was a simple "I'm not coming up until things are stable." Eventually, his sick parent passed away. At the funeral, he introduced me to everyone as "just a friend" one minute and then he talked about eloping the next. A whole series of events that weekend led me to pull back a bit and realize that we weren't as ready to get married as I had thought we were. I came back feeling that I was a boyfriend of convenience: there when he needed a boyfriend or extra money or dinners out.

After the funeral, he asked for more time to do some work at his family's house. But it has now been six months and he keeps sliding the date to move up. I had to push him hard to follow through to come up for a visit. When he did finally make it up, we sat down and talked about how much time he would need and even extended it by a month. Now he says that he won't live his life by external arbitrary deadlines and he can't say how much time he'll need. The answer to a question of "will you need two weeks, two months or two years?" was that he doesn't think he'll need two years.

My problem is after a year of being told "I'm moving" and "I'm coming up next weekend," I've lost faith that he'll do what he tells me he'll do. My head is telling me that he has been telling me through actions rather than words that he's not going to move. But my heart keeps saying to find a solution to go on; that we're better together than being separate.

We actually discussed breaking up over the weekend as we just seemed to drive each other crazy. Right now, we’re in a cooling off period. Friends keep saying that I just can't depend on him, and are frustrated with me that I don't get angry and break it off.

At this point in my life, after three years, I wonder if I'm fighting because I don't want to be alone rather than this being the great fit I thought we grew into.

– Still Waiting, Massachusetts

Q: Meredith,

I had been dating a guy for about five months. Things went really well. We were both amazed at how we could spend hours talking. While we had very different backgrounds and interests, our common ground was our morals. I was very happy. I felt adored. I felt listened to and cared for. I felt like I had a partner in crime and in happiness. He would interrupt a conversation to tell me how happy I made him.

Early on, he had been honest with me about his past, that he had a serious drug problem that required intervention, nasty breakup with a girlfriend, depression, and a stressful family situation. I was honest with him and told him those things were in the past and that I didn't feel right judging him based on past events, however if they reappeared we would have to deal with them.

Cut to the past two weeks.

I went on a trip to visit some friends cross country -- while I was away, he ignored every text, email, phone call, voicemail. I was so hurt. I’m not clingy, but a funny text here or there or a good night phone call never hurt anyone. Mind you, we email frequently while at work, text while not at work, and see each other about 4-5 times per week – so a form of communication per day is not asking for a lot based on experience.

I come back and express that I was really hurt. He goes into this long drawn out conversation about how unhappy he is, how I don’t trust him, how he’s busy "making moves," and that we should break up – this is all at 2am. We talk it out and he admits that he's been really unhappy with himself, doesn't feel he’s where he should be (job, house, education, etc.). I promise to support him however he needs it (through space or through actual support). Things are fine for a week. We have dinner with his mother, she gives me a gift she got me while on her vacation, and pulls me aside and tells me how happy she is, and that she thinks her son is very lucky to have me in his life. Next day I take him to meet my extended family – which I have only done on one other occasion, so it’s a VERY big deal. Everything goes well.

Day after that, on the way to look at condos for him, he makes a very hurtful comment to me. I was really upset and didn’t want to derail the process of house hunting so I said I was going to go home. He had no objections. The next day I had a job interview, and when discussing it with him that night, all he could do was pick it apart and was so extremely judgmental and argumentative. He tried to get off the phone, but I told him I wanted an explanation for his behavior, why he was acting so cold to me.

He gave a very distant speech about how he needed to worry about himself and couldn't deal with me stressing him out and that it was best if we parted ways. I called him out on speaking to me like it was a business transaction – his response -- "I apologize."

So here's the question, do I walk away and forget about him, seeing how I can't really talk to someone who doesn't talk. OR Do I fight? I know something is up with him. He's obviously depressed again and refusing to talk to anyone about it. I really care about him, but where do I cross the line and worry about myself rather than him?

– Things Fall Apart, Boston

Q: Hello Meredith

I am a daily reader and a first time writer with a question about moving on. I have been divorced for seven years with teenage children, a great career, and what seems like a good-to-great life.

I am currently seeing a wonderful woman who is smart, caring, attractive, and has it together. We have been seeing each other for about five months. My problem is that back in September I broke off a relationship of a year and a half. The woman I was seeing was divorced with two children.

The relationship began rocky due to her having several personal and professional issues, which caused her above-average stress. But through it all, I was falling in love with her, and she with me. I loved this woman and felt loved like I had never felt in my life. So I stayed, and constantly supported her through a bad business-partnership breakup, repair and sale of a home, and several medical issues. Again, the love was real and pure.

Fast-forward a year-plus later, she began to talk marriage and engagement. I admit, this was not what I wanted at this point, but I agreed to living together. She was adamant about the engagement. I continued to say, “After your life is settled, we can revisit this, but I love you, and would like to be with you everyday and the rest of our lives.” Her children adored me and I treated them as if they were mine. We all spent a month traveling together last summer.

The relationship went down hill after that, with many small disagreements. Once there was a disagreement, she would shut down for days and not want to communicate. Well, after so much of this, I broke it off. My problem is, there was no closure, and I still think about her and in my heart, I truly love her. I know this has an affect on my new relationship. What do I do?

– Need to Move On, Andover

Q: Hi Meredith,

My ex-boyfriend and I dated for a little over a year. He is a brother of a friend, so I've known him for years. We're both in our mid-20s. While we were dating, he decided he wanted to join the Marines. I told him that I would support him either way, but that if he decided to join, we would have to break up and just be friends. While I respect everything that the Marines do and think that it is great that they are willing to serve our country with such honor, courage, and commitment, it would be too difficult for me to date someone who would be committed for four years and might make a career out of it. All of the time apart and distance from my family would be too difficult for me.

Our relationship was great. Although we had our differences (he's conservative, I'm liberal, he's country, I'm pop, he's a meathead, I'm ... not) we got along very well. Lots of grilled cheeses and everything! My family loves him and vice versa. We really became a part of each other's lives. I could have really pictured us getting married if it hadn't been for the looming Marines departure.

Fast forward to a month ago when he broke up with me. This was a complete sucker punch. I know this sounds hypocritical considering I wanted to break up with him when he left, but I thought the break-up would happen when he left. During the break-up he told me that the reason why he wanted to end things now was because he wanted to be able to concentrate on preparing for the Marines. He told me he still loved me and that he thought that it would be too hard getting over me. Because he wants to make officer, he would need to commit himself more than anyone else and he didn't want our break up to distract him. This reasoning made sense to me and I did not want to stand in the way of his goals. We kept in frequent contact and proceeded to hook up a few times. The last time was recently, on my birthday. We had a great time and made plans to go to on a day trip the following Monday. That weekend, though, he went to a wedding as a date of a girl he went to high school with. Because she had a boyfriend, I thought nothing of it. However, after texting/calling him on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to see if we were still on for Monday, I never heard back from him. Monday morning he called to say that he couldn't take the day trip because he needed to help out his father and that he HAD to go to the girl's barbeque later on.

Later that night, he called and I asked him if he had hooked up with her. He told me the truth and said that they had (apparently it didn't matter that she had a boyfriend). He was not apologetic. I was heartbroken. It seemed like he didn't think he did anything wrong. And while I understand that he is not committed to me, some human decency would have been nice. After telling me he still loved me, that it was going to be too hard getting over me, and then hooking up with me, he had hooked up with this old friend just FIVE days later. In a moment of weakness, I begged him to come over the next night but then he dropped another bomb on me. He couldn't because their mutual friend had a couple extra Sox tickets and he was bringing her.

The next day I came to my senses and realized, he does not love me anymore! You don't treat people that you love like that -- not returning phone calls, cancelling plans, hooking up with other girls just five days later … He is a different person now, nothing like the great guy I dated.

I have been avoiding his phone calls and text messages (they are not apologetic either). But my question is: if he is leaving for training in a month (for three months), should I listen to what he might have to say? Should I put this in the past so when he leaves we are on cordial terms? I would hate for something to happen to him and not be speaking to him. But on the other hand, he is the one who broke up with me and then hurt me again when he hooked up with this girl. I don't think I owe anything to him. What should I do?

– Not In Love With Him Now, But the Man He Used To Be, Newton

Q: I have been with my current boyfriend for over a year now. We just went through a really nasty break-up and then decided to give it one more try. I fought so hard to try to have us make it work, and now I am just wondering if I am just scared to be alone.

This relationship has been a tumultuous one. I ended a three year relationship to start seeing him, and we also have an 11 year age difference (I am 24, he is 35). He is also still married, but in the middle of getting a divorce. Without getting into too many details, the marriage ended because he doesn't want a family. I do. It's hard to feel like this doesn't automatically doom us. He has made it clear that right now, he does not want kids, and while that may change in the future, he would only want one. This is an area I am not willing to compromise in. I know I want a big family. I know I would never be fulfilled in life if I didn't. He let me know his wishes from the beginning and I jumped in knowing this and accepting that the relationship may end because of it. He did the same knowing what I want as well.

There have been lots of other problems. The first month of our relationship was basically him figuring out if he wanted to be with me or with another girl he started seeing when he and his ex separated. Then it was about remaining friends with her, which I was very against. I never made him choose between us, but he knew how much it bothered me. He finally realized that she wasn't worth it and was wasting his time, and tried to make it work with me. There were a couple other incidents involving his ex that he blamed on his guilt over how things ended, which I understood because there is a lot more to that story. We fight constantly and constantly get caught up in past events that make us not trust each other. We are trying really hard to gain that trust back.

When things are good, they are amazing. We get along perfectly, we have the same sense of humor, and he is the first person who will tell me I am beautiful, and I really believe he means it. We have so much in common -- way more than I have had with anyone else I dated. So I guess my question is -- am I wasting my time? We fight so often that it makes me wonder if this is all worth fighting for anymore, and that we are just too different.

I know how clear cut this sounds, but I love him very, very much. He is a very good person and his intentions are good, he has just had a lot of misfortune in his life. I have not been an angel to him either, and he still wants to try and work things out with me. I just wonder how much time I should put into this and if I am building a future with him that doesn't exist.

– Bummed in Beantown

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have a problem regarding a post-breakup situation. I dated a man twice over the past six years, both times ending in heartache and disappointment. The first breakup ended because he was cheating with a few other people who I always assumed were just his friends. To add insult to injury, he told me the reason he cheated was because, "I'm not good enough for him, and never would be." We worked together (same building, not same company) and seeing him on a daily basis with one of his many new girlfriends was just unbearable. Eventually, I made the decision to move to the West Coast for medical school just to get away.

Fast forward two years (of NO contact might I add) he shows up out nowhere and tells me how sorry he is for the things he's done. (And when I say "shows up," I mean that literally. He came out to the West Coast). I was extremely suspicious, but he kept telling me he wouldn't have gone through all this effort for just a fling. Still, I was cautious, and took things slowly. I went back to Boston that summer for a medicine-related internship, and things were great. He seemed as though he really had changed. But since I still lived on the West Coast, things were strained. I started to feel it too, but I just couldn't bring myself to leave my medical school. He kept pressuring me, which eventually turned into threatening me; if I didn't come back, he was bound to cheat. I was so enamored that I just ignored this red flag and finally, after about eight months of him pushing me, I went to discuss things with my dean.

I transferred to a Boston-area school and gave up a number of really important friendships from out west, in addition to a hospital I loved. As I was going through the transfer process, he started to become more distant. He continued to tell me he wanted me to move back and he loved me, so I attributed his behavior to stress. Well, you can guess what happened -- about three weeks went by when I hadn't heard from him, and when I finally got him on the phone he tells me, "Well, I'm kind of seeing someone else." My response was, "Uh, I didn't know we'd broken up?"

It was a complete nightmare. I was moving back to Boston the following week. I don't think there are words to describe how I felt. It has been EXTREMELY hard for me not only because we broke up, but because I originally left Boston BECAUSE of him, and I felt as though I was just right back where I started.

Ok, sorry for all the background, but it's important, I think. Now to my question. We both used to play on a pick-up sports team in Boston, and I've actually become very close to these people since I moved back. I would say they are my closest friends in Boston. Recently, my ex has been attending these pick-up sessions (with his new 23-year-old girlfriend .... he's almost 40), though he hasn't played with these people for over a year. Furthermore, he doesn't even really play when he shows up, they just sit there watching or do things on their own. He might jump in once or twice, but we play for probably five to six hours at a time. Is it wrong for me to be angry that he's just showing up out of the blue like this? Especially when he still knows how much he hurt me, and how much I sacrificed for him? I guess what I'm asking is, do I have the right to be angry he's there?

– Pick-up trouble, Boston

I asked PUT who joined the pick-up team first. She said the ex. Which is why I have to say …

Q: Ten years ago, I went through a rough patch when I discovered that my boyfriend was cheating on me with a married friend of mine. I was angry and humiliated, but I managed to let it go. I moved on with my life and went to law school. The three others involved in this nastiness (my ex-boyfriend, my ex-friend, and her now ex-husband) did pretty much the same thing. The four of us all stayed in the same town, and I would see them often. At first I hated them, but eventually I began to tolerate them, then I felt a grudging respect for them and finally a certain fondness. Ten years, after all, is a long time to be mean and angry.

The problem is this: In the past two years these three people have gotten married and had babies, they’re all very close and friendly, and their families spend a lot of time together. I have not had a serious relationship in 10 years, though -- not, however, for lack of trying. Over the past 10 years I’ve been on countless dates and had several short, ugly relationships. One of these awful guys was physically abusive, one disappeared suddenly, one married a stripper, and one had a secret wife and baby in another city. Anyway, I’m no longer dating.

My problem is that when my ex-boyfriend, my ex-best friend, and her ex-husband all got married and had babies, my furious, angry rage of 10 years ago returned, only much, much worse. The sight of these people made me physically ill. When I was 30 I felt hurt and sad and embarrassed, but also relieved to be free of a man who was (let's be honest) a jerk. At the time I believed that someone better would come along, but now I'm not so sure. I’m 40 and I haven't been on a date in almost three years. Three months ago I was offered a job in a different city in another state, so I grabbed that opportunity, packed up everything, and left town.

So here I am starting over again at age 40. I'm trying to get some perspective on what’s happened, I'd like to find peace or at least some understanding. I would also like my life to be different. Moving is a start, but I'm wary of just repeating the same old mistakes but in a different zip code. Do you have any advice?

– Beatrice, Columbus, Ohio

Q: Hi Meredith,

Love, love your advice. Been an avid reader for over a year now. I never miss a column.

Maybe you can help me with this ridiculous situation that I have put myself in.

I'm 30, I've been with my bf Mike, 33, for a year and a half now. We moved in together last fall when he got a house. When we first started seeing each other I couldn't believe how much I liked him. I never had any intention of dating him. He had tried to pursue me before and I blew him off. Well finally I gave him a chance and I couldn't have been happier that I did. I've never had so much fun or felt so loved in such a short amount of time. I literally did everything with him. I even disappeared from my friends and family for a few months, which, let me tell you, didn't go over very well. In the beginning we had our ups and downs, though. Sometimes he would disappear and not tell me where he was. If we fought, he would say mean things to me like I ruin all his fun and I never let him do anything. Meanwhile, he never wants me to do anything without him! And there was also his ex factor, someone he couldn't break ties with at first. I almost broke up with him twice because of it. But as far as I know that doesn’t exist anymore. And part of me doesn't really care now anyway. Sounds like I'm becoming desensitized, huh? But that's the least of my problems.

Fast forward to now. Here we are, 1.5 years later, and even though he tells me a million times a day that he loves me, there is no affection. We are hardly ever intimate, maybe once a month, if that. I'm a very sexual person and I count the days because being intimate is very important to me. I've mentioned this to him before and he always steps up at first but then it just goes back to being the way it was. He’s constantly in a bad mood when he comes home from work. He's less mean then he used to be, but there are still times when he tells me to shut up, that he doesn't want to listen to me. All in all, I've been finding myself very unhappy recently. Even so much to the point that I've actually cheated on him. And not once, like four times with the same person. And I can't guarantee that it's not going to happen again. This person that I've been cheating with is someone I've known for years. We kind of had a friends-with-benefits relationship like once a year for the past few years, until I got together with my bf. It was fine to not have any contact with him since it was never anything serious. Basically I would see him out at a bar randomly and then we would hook up. And it's pretty much how this happened as well, except now there’s planning involved. I've been sneaking around behind my bf's back. And I know that I should feel guilty, but I don’t. Well I do a little, but not as much as I should. I don't get anything else from my friend-with-benefits besides affection, as in there's no real feelings. Besides, I know that I am just trying to make up for what is lacking in my relationship. I've cheated before, but it was always a way to make myself break up with someone that I didn't want to be with any longer. I have a really hard time just walking away, so cheating always made it easy. I cheated. I had to breakup because I couldn't be dishonest.

But what about now? I don't want to breakup with my bf. Why am I doing this?? I definitely love him more than I've ever loved anyone else and that hasn't changed for me. I can’t imagine my life without him. I keep trying to tell him that I'm not getting what I need from him and he isn't listening. Also, I can't even say anything to him without it turning into a fight. It's so frustrating. I could never suggest therapy, and I'm not even sure that I'd be ok with that. So please, any other advice you could send my way would be so appreciated.

– Love Starved, Boston

Q: I had been dating this guy for almost nine months until the relationship started going sour. I say this because he started working more (very demanding job) and paying less attention to "us." I finally had cut ties with him and ended the relationship. He was devastated and could not understand why I wanted to break up. He just plain and simple did not make time for us. I loved him to death but his effort was no longer there.

Toward the end of my relationship, I had met someone else. Someone I have been interested in for a while and who actually asked me out waaay before my ex and I even met. I turned him down when we first met because I had been seeing someone else at the time. So anyways, Mr. Interested (that's what I'll call him) shows up again in my life, like I was saying, toward the end of my relationship, and asked me out again. I had it already programmed in my head that I was going to break up with my boyfriend so I said yes. After my first date with Mr. Interested, I felt confident enough to call it quits with my boyfriend and move on to greener pastures. Or so I thought.

Everything was going great with the new guy -- gives me goose bumps, makes me smile ... the whole bit! Then my now-ex comes back into the picture and is heartbroken and says he will do anything to get me back. He has sent flowers to my work. He sends me texts begging for another chance to prove to me that he is the man for me. This is all sweet but I've heard it all before. This time, however, he seems much more sincere about it and wants to change. The wheels in my head start turning and I keep thinking, "Hmm ... I could have new guy or keep the old guy I'm pretty comfortable with."

I honestly like both. Both have qualities I love and adore. Part of me doesn't want to lose my ex because he really is a good man, my friend, and someone I never want to hurt. Mr. Interested is fun, romantic, and sweet. He is definitely someone I see myself with long term. The downfall is he is very cheap. My ex loved spending money especially on me. So, I'm not used to a cheap guy. Very sweet but very cheap.

My dilemma is I know I can't keep both but should I be looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now??! I'm so confused and don't want to hurt either one. What kind of advice can you give me? I'll take anything I can get. Thank you:)

– Annalisa, Chicago

Q: I recently discovered your column and absolutely love your advice. You are a relationship genius. Maybe you can help me with my current situation.

When I was in college, I had a rocky relationship with a great guy. We treated each other pretty badly. We were probably addicted to the drama, but besides all that, we really clicked. After college, I moved back to Boston and he remained in our college town.

Eight years later, I had ended a long term relationship, and even though I had always known that the guy was not right for me, I was devastated. Then I dated a series of losers. I found this confusing because I am pretty awesome. I decided to seek out the ex. I figured a fling with an old flame would boost my self-esteem and nothing serious could come of it because we lived in different cities. However, when we saw each other the connection was absurd. We ended up doing a year long distance and then moving in together. After two years of living together, things were not going that well. He had lost all interest in sleeping with me. I think this was his way of forcing some emotional distance in order to avoid a deeper commitment like marriage and kids. We lived apart for two years. We set a date to move back in together, but he backed out because our problems were not resolved.

In the interim we had tried couples therapy, individual therapy, and had been trying to get pregnant (we're in our 30s and I figured it wasn't the fairy tale but I wanted kids and took it as a sign of his commitment to me that he was willing to try). Though he was a pretty terrible boyfriend, he was an amazing best friend. After five years, I was still excited to see him, we always laughed together, he was extremely supportive of me, and we were still affectionate with each other, though the intimacy was infrequent.

I suspected that our not moving back in together marked the end of our relationship but I decided to wait until he finished a major project at work before discussing it with him. There were some signs that he was cheating, though in my heart, I still trusted him. But I checked his phone. He caught me and was furious since his privacy is a huge issue with him. I found something that implied he had been cheating. I don't know for sure and at this point I just don't care. He stormed out and emailed me later that day that we should consider our relationship over and that if I wanted to discuss it, we could do so after his major work project ended. I didn't reply. That was three weeks ago. Though we used to talk and email every day, I have not contacted him at all and he has not contacted me. His work project was finished this week.

I feel amazingly OK. When I saw the email, I felt relieved. I had been trying so hard to keep the relationship together that it felt great to just let go, to not have to deal with his emotionally distant behavior anymore. I felt instantly more attractive. I signed up for Match.com and already have some dates lined up. My friends keep checking in on me to see if I am really OK.

So my question is this: Am I naive to think that I'm really OK? Am I just in denial? Will the emotional bottom eventually fall out? Should I discuss any of this with my ex? Though he was my best friend for five years, a friendship at this point does not seem feasible. I do not want to fight and I'm sure he doesn’t view the break up the way that I do. I also do not want to know if he's seeing anyone else. Is cold turkey the way to go? Your advice is appreciated. Thank you.

– Surprisingly Over It, Washington

Q: Meredith,

As a guy, I admittedly feel odd/weird for writing you. But so be it. I'm a 33-year-old, college-educated white male. Not exotic by any means, but pretty normal when juxtaposed with the next random guy. I married my college girlfriend at 23; heartbroken, shocked and divorced by 27. We both made mistakes -- minor and major -- so I don't blame her for my current state. (There's a reason people say you're too young to get married, but I digress.) I'm not sure what exactly it was, but that experience changed me.

Since then, I feel that I subconsciously sabotage relationships after a few years. For example, I lived with my post-divorce girlfriend (and another male roommate) for 18 months. We both had issues, but I believe I exacerbated them with my primal desire to "find something new" and unwillingness to fully commit to her. That relationship ended. After three or so years I'm now living with my current girlfriend. She's sweet, friendly, and a really great person. So why am I always looking at other women wondering, "What if?" Why am I attracted to her friends? Am I just a normal male? Or simply just selfish?

This will sound odd, but sometimes I wish I could have my sex drive reduced so I could maintain a normal, loyal relationship with my current girlfriend. To be clear, I haven't been with anyone else since we moved from dating to exclusivity, but the desire is definitely there. Am I still really this immature at 33? Or am I just addicted to the drug of "newness"?

– Mitch in Dallas

Q: My boyfriend of four years just broke up with me in March. I am 28 and he is 26. After six months of him treating me badly and argument after argument, he called it quits.

We had lived together with other roommates for about three years, and this past September, we got a place of our own. From day one, there were problems. He slowly started to criticize many things about me including my career choices and financial decisions. He also started to act inappropriately with some of his female friends. He never cheated, but he flirted vigorously and became way too close for comfort with some of them. When I brought up how upsetting it was for me, he would respond that I was being "overly sensitive." My feelings were being invalidated left and right. The wonderful, supportive boyfriend I'd known for years was slowly disappearing. I couldn't understand what was happening and who he was turning into. My feeling is that he started to completely freak out marriage and growing up.

Well, the long and short of it is that for the last six months he's been pulling away and I've been trying to stop him. He has admitted that he has some commitment fears and he didn't know what to do about them. I knew they were there, especially since he is the product of a terrible divorce as a child and never had a good father figure around. I just never thought they would get to the point where he'd actually end things. I was shocked and devastated. As time passes, things start to make more and more sense but I still want him back. I think besides the fact that he has these serious commitment issues, we could be a great couple. I think he just needs to put his defenses down and realize it. When he broke it off with me, he said he knew that he's been acting terribly and doesn't know why but wants to figure it out. He said he wants to go see a therapist. However, instead of wanting to stay with me during this process, he chose to leave me so he could "concentrate on himself" and figure out who he is and why he's been acting this way.

Should I hold out hope that after he works through his problems, we might have a chance again? Should I just move on as if he won't? Maybe if things are mean to be, they will be ...

– Wishing and Hoping in Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I met my now ex-boyfriend Alex about six months ago. Right from the start we made each other laugh, we could talk for hours without noticing the time passing, and I felt like we genuinely connected. We were even planning to take a vacation together. Once, as he was leaving my apartment, he told me that he loved me. I was excited, but a bit taken aback, and it took me a few weeks before I felt I was able to reciprocate by saying it back.

While all of this was going on, Alex was dealing with a very difficult work situation that was taking a toll on his emotional health. He wasn't sleeping well, often seemed upset, and was reluctant to go out with other people. In spite of all this, he usually seemed happy when we were together, and he never once took out any of his issues on me.

A few days before we were planning to leave for our vacation, Alex showed up at my apartment unannounced. He told me that he had been to see a psychiatrist and had been diagnosed with severe depression. As a result, he wanted to end the relationship. He said he felt like he had a lot of issues to deal with on his own, and it wasn't fair to involve me. I told him that relationships weren't supposed to be fair, and that I was willing to stick with him through tough times. It was then that he told me that he felt my feelings for him were stronger than his for me. He said it was clear to him that I was falling in love with him, and while he cares about me and has strong feelings for me, he doesn't love me. In fact, he's not sure that he can ever love anyone. (At 26, this was his first relationship.) He felt it was unfair to let the relationship get serious when he wasn't sure how he would feel about me in a few months. In spite of all this, he repeatedly expressed his desire to remain friends because I was the "best person in his life," and he promised not to disappear.

Almost a month has gone by and I still can't stop thinking about what happened. I suppose that we can never really know how another person feels, but I thought he really cared about me. I care about him deeply, but I'm only 25, and I had no intentions of getting "serious" in any committed sense any time soon. It's starting to dawn on me that maybe I wasn't the one that Alex was trying to protect by ending the relationship so abruptly.

Since it ended, I've been hoping that his cloud of depression lifts and that he realizes he wants to be with me. But so far, he hasn't contacted me. A part of me wants to reach out, because I want to be there for him, and because I still have that glimmer of hope that he just needs time and therapy in order to be ready for a relationship. My friends say I should be angry about the way he ended things, that he's demonstrating that he doesn't care about me, and that I should cut him out of my life. But I just can't be angry at someone who's so confused.

So I'm wondering ... was I fooling myself in thinking that we had something we didn't? Is it crazy to keep hoping that we can reconcile? And considering what he's going through, should I be the one to reach out? And -- is it possible to stay friends when I have hopes of reconciliation?

Thanks Meredith. I'm sorry about the novel.

– Do I Move On?, Brighton

Q: I need a help. I've been in love with my co-worker for almost a year now. I originally started at our sister company and helped him train when he started the job. On the second day of training, he turned to me and said something so pretentious that I got really mad at him. Days later, he went off to the other company to work.

At the beginning of last year, my company asked me to help his company temporarily. I saw him again and tried to forget the remark he made months before. While helping out, we started flirting and things went beyond just co-workers and friends. We made sure that if anything happened between us personally, we would not let it ruin our business relationship. Weeks later, his company offered me a full time position and I took it. He was the main factor in my decision.

I began to fall for him and hard. He made it somewhat a point to tell me that wasn't looking for anything serious at the time but being me, I was hopeful. This went off and on for a few months. Halfway through, we got into an extremely petty fight and he refused to talk to me, even at work, so things were strained. Eventually it got a little better and we started seeing each other again.

In February, I got pregnant by him. Part of me really want to keep the baby so that I could still be a part of his life, but I knew that would be wrong and decided to get his opinion on the matter, too. We finally decided this wasn’t the right time. I was heartbroken, and it has plagued me often since.

But that's not why I need help. He recently got a job offer at another company and he'll be leaving in two weeks. I want so much for him to stay but I know that's not possible. I also know that once he leaves, I highly doubt there'll be any kind of contact between us. The questions is, after all this time and everything we've gone through, should I tell him how I feel about him even if it risks getting my heart broken again? How should I approach it if I do gain the courage? And if it doesn't work out, how can I find a way to keep him in my life even if it's just friends?

– Co-Worker Conundrum, Somerville

Q: I'm a recent grad who's relocated back to Boston. I maintained an on-again off-again relationship throughout college with a guy I went to high school with. Yes, we dated for part of high school, and no, I never imagined that we would still be romantically involved. I'm generally a person who knows what I want, and this guy possesses many of the qualities that I admire most in others. He's a great listener, very sensitive, has loads of personality, loves his family, has tons of ambition and if that weren't enough, is a Class A Hottie. He never makes me feel less than gorgeous and amazing, and is really and truly a catch. I love him, and I don't doubt that he loves me.

You may now be asking yourself "What's the big issue, McCrazypants?" The issue is that these qualities have only just resurfaced in the past six months, and only after years of an again-off-again relationship (OAOAR) that had me constantly doubting myself. Throughout our OAOAR, he was unreliable, selfish, and unwilling to compromise to make time for me.

Just how dreadful was he? Rewind to 2008 when he stood me up on my birthday because he had gotten so drunk with his buddies at school that he couldn’t drive. That was the pinnacle of his horrible non-committal behavior that ultimately led to me checking out of a relationship that was making me sink like the Titanic. After slapping myself in the face for having wasted my time with this loser (who was also one of my best friends), we finally broke up for real.

Fast forward to almost a year after graduation, and he's a new man. We're living in the same city for the first time, and after taking a hiatus from our relationship, he emerged from his dreadful self-centered cocoon as a catch. We started seeing each other again about five months ago, after he made it clear that he wanted to be together. I took a leap of faith and decided that this would be my last ditch effort. I figured I would always regret never trying to make it work in ideal circumstances (i.e. fresh start, same city etc.). I didn't expect it to work, but it's been working more than wonderfully.

The problem is that I can't stop thinking about the past. He's acknowledged his shortcomings, apologized for them, and has expressed that he had a major epiphany regarding what an oaf he'd been and how important I was to him. I believe him, his actions speak to this, and while I can forgive, forgetting has been the hard part. However, I can't get the wise voice of my grandmother that echoes in my head saying: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." I want to trust him, I want to move on with this new amazing guy that has finally gotten his act together. BUT, do I just forget the past? Do I go with the flow and see what happens, or do I listen to Granny who's telling me that ex's and on-again-off-agains are just that for a reason?

– Mr. Right Over-Night, Massachusetts

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a daily reader of your column, and I've even been to a Love Letters event in the past. I am also a major lurker (non-commenter). I think you and your readers have some wonderful advice, and now I have a problem of my own.

To give you some context, I am 28 years old, have a great job and great friends, have dated a lot, and had a handful of serious boyfriends in my day. Back in January, I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year (let's call him Evan). Evan was the most intense relationship of my life. I was almost instantly a part of his family and was invited to holidays and went on vacations with them after only a few months. Evan did have some baggage, however. More than a year before meeting me, he ended a bad relationship with someone he had lived with after dating her for only a few months. Although he had her move out shortly after she moved in, he ended up dating her for another 2 years (she was going through some family stuff and Evan felt like he couldn't leave her until she had some stability in her life, which I actually respected and thought made him a better person).

Anyway, despite how welcoming and open he was with me in some ways, he kept certain things very close to the vest. He liked to reserve nights apart from me so that he could sleep better (he also preferred to be intimate only once or twice a month, which I made clear wasn't enough for me). We lived an hour apart, but he refused to give me a key to his apartment, even if it meant that I repeatedly needed to sit in my car and wait for him in his driveway if he was running late for work. He also mainly preferred that we only spend time with his friends and family, and the times when he would agree to leave his hometown and visit my friends and family became few and far between. Eventually it became clear to me that even though he might love me, he didn't love me enough and I deserved a lot better. Despite all that, I was terrified to be the one to end it, and when he finally initiated the break-up conversation, I was devastated but also somewhat relieved/grateful. We agreed that we loved each other, but that things had probably started out too quickly and that in the end, we didn't have enough in common (both in lifestyle and personality) to stay together. We kept in touch to a small degree through emails; his mother and brother-in-law both also called and emailed to check in on me as the weeks went by. As for me, I started seeing a therapist just to make sure I was being mentally healthy about everything (my therapist thought I was doing great!), and about a month after breaking up I joined an online dating service and even had a "rebound" relationship that lasted about a month and a half. All my friends and family were extremely proud of the way I was handling things and how realistic I seemed to be about dealing with my pain but also trying to move on.

Cut to this weekend when it became clear through a sudden flurry of not-so-subtle Facebook posts that not only was Evan seeing someone new (who looks a lot like me, but that's neither here nor there!), his friends were referring to her as his girlfriend. One of his best female friends, with whom I'd been extremely close throughout the relationship, suddenly removed me from her book club and "de-friended" me on Facebook (and apparently in life). I guess most readers would say that this is to be expected after a relationship ends, but I'm thrown by the suddenness of it. While I was taking it slow and being very sensitive to Evan's feelings in my own dating escapades, keeping them private, etc., he had a new, official girlfriend and he doesn't seem to care at all about my feelings on the subject. It appears from Facebook that that they started dating only a month and a half after we broke up.

I guess there are two things really bothering me about it: 1. He apparently didn't learn a lesson from dating me or his ex, and still becomes very serious very quickly with girls he's dating, which implies that maybe this is his MO. And if that's the case, I keep thinking that never really loved me. And 2. If this was a year from now, I'd say he owed me nothing, but I feel like the fact that he started dating somebody only a month after breaking up with me (and since we've been in touch), he might have given me a heads up that she existed so that I didn't need to find out about her this way. In the meantime, I'm definitely mirroring Sally in "When Harry Met Sally" -- totally fine when she breaks up with her boyfriend until she finds out months later that he's marrying somebody else, and suddenly she's a complete mess and bawling to Harry on the phone.

Anyway that's the long, drawn-out story, but my question to you and your readers is this: Do I have the right to be hurt by Evan's lack of sensitivity to me? Is it possible that he never really loved me at all? Why does it bother me so much that his friend kicked me out of her life? Don't worry, I am not going to do anything rash and call him out on it. I'm writing to you instead. :) Please note that I never harbored any ideas that we were going to get back together; there were obviously a lot of broken things in our relationship. A little piece of my heart might always love him and cherish the memories I had with him, but I look forward to meeting Mr. Right someday, and I know he's not Evan. In the meantime, any suggestions for how to best move on, be strong and get over this type of pothole in the road to recovery from a breakup would be appreciated.

– Trying to Move On, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm confused about what to do, if anything, about my boyfriend. Quick background: I'm 41, divorced for 2 years, and have been dating a man for 18 months. We were friendly before we started dating, and for the first few months all was great. About three months into it, he surprised me one night by telling me that he was still getting over a former girlfriend, seeing a therapist, and in general, dealing with massive heartbreak. I never saw any of this until he told me. I was OK with it because the truth is that I was (am) transitioning out of a 15 year marriage and wasn't looking for a serious romance. Since then, we've gone on vacation several times, met each other's families, he gets along great with my kids, gotten closer, etc. I am head over heels.

Cut to present: he says that he loves me, can't imagine life without me but is still dealing with the fallout from the previous woman. I believe he's also going through a mid-life crisis. He turns 50 next year, never been married, no kids, bored with job, etc.

I'm not exactly issue free either. I'm about to start working full time after eight years at home with my kids. My finances aren't great (divorce stuff). I'm pretty much a full-time parent and I've been involved in exactly 3 serious relationships since I was 18. I don't have much casual dating experience.

My dilemma: Someday, I would like to create a family again with someone special. We've been dating for 18 months and the "future" question has come up a few times. I have no clear answer and neither does he. Other than this "future" question, things are good. That said, knowing that I do want a family someday and considering all that we are dealing with as individuals right now, do I stay or do I go? How long to too long for a relationship like this? Am I being an idiot?

– Not so sure anymore, Newton

Q: Dear Meredith,

Love your writings and forums. Your perspective is so valuable, and I am certainly in need of some!

I'll start this letter by explaining that lesbians are different. Our "people" tend to live by different "norms" in relationships. My girlfriend and I got together after being friends for many years. We were both in other relationships and each thought that the other was not interested in more than friendship. Once we discovered that we were interested in being more than just friends, we started dating. Lesbians tend to get very serious very fast, which certainly occurred here.

It has been six months and I feel like we have a strong, trusting, and loving relationship. I am happy. Here's the "but" (otherwise I wouldn't be writing): she still lives with her ex-girlfriend and wants me to go to their house to hang out and spend the night. I absolutely believe her when she says that they are friends (almost every lesbian is friends with her exes) and that there is no possibility that they will get back together. On the other hand, she says that her ex is her "best friend." They talk and text daily. They go out together with their friends. I am always invited to hang with them. I have gone occasionally. While seriously awkward, it is somewhat bearable.

However, going to their house is gut wrenching for me. After going there a few times (for dinner and once while the ex was out of town), I won’t do it anymore. It is so incredibly uncomfortable, awkward, and stilted. Her ex is nice enough to me, but won’t look me in the eye and I feel her hurt each time I see her (something my current girlfriend doesn’t see). I went to their house for parties; we all hung out as friends. It will always be their house to me and all I feel when I enter is the energy of their relationship. Even when the ex is not there, all I can think and feel is them together.

While I do not think she will leave me for her ex, I must admit that I am threatened by the relationship. I feel like she has two girlfriends, which is simply not ok with me. I've attempted to explain my feelings in numerous ways and the response I get is that they are friends and I have nothing to worry about. I respond that I am not "worried," it just doesn’t feel right or good to me.

At this point, I have told her that she has to make her own decisions for her -- i.e. whether she wants to stay there or not. She says that she does not have the money to move and likes living where she is living. She doesn't see why she has to move because it is a good place for her. My decision for me is that I will not go to their house.

– Looking for a Place in the Middle

Q: I am in kind of a sticky situation. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and we have less than ideal living situations. He is my neighbor. That is how we met and we dated for about 2 1/2 years, on and off. The relationship got really serious really quickly and was great for the first year.

However, after that, we would take breaks and get back together. I think we always ended up back together because we run into each other all the time. This time, I am pretty sure that enough is enough and that we are both ready to move on. We called it off for good about two weeks ago.

My problem is that he is already bringing girls home! He did this other times we broke up, but it wasn't as quick. I would see him leaving with a random girl in the morning. It was uncomfortable, but at least I knew it wasn't serious. On Saturday, I ran into him and a girl in the middle of the afternoon. This morning, I saw her car here when I left for work (I am not a total stalker, but I did see her walk from her car on Saturday!). It might seem weird that we always run into each other, but we do. I think we are both in and out a lot and I have a dog so I am outside walking it, etc.

I am not upset that he is seeing someone. I understand we are both ready to move on, but I am upset at his complete lack of respect for me in doing this. I feel like he should wait a little longer, go to her house, or just not bring girls home.

What makes it even harder for me is that I feel like I don't know the man I loved for the past 2 1/2 years. The guy I fell in love with would never do this to me. He was always such a good guy. I knew we were growing apart toward the end and I am fine with moving on. I know people and things change, but this is from one extreme to the other. It's like he is a completely different person now. I am so uncomfortable living next to this. Any suggestions of how to deal?

– Way Too Close, Boston

Q: Meredith,

I met my ex-boyfriend, "Jack," four years ago and we fell quickly into a serious relationship. The first months were blissful -- quite honestly, the happiest of my life. He poured affection on me, wanted to have lengthy talks about our shared future, and could make me laugh like no one else. But, as so often happens, that first flush of love faded ... for him. He started treating me horribly. But I held onto that man that I "knew" he could be based on those first amazing months. He ended our relationship around the year mark, and I never really got over it. I dated two men fairly seriously after him, and he dated one woman after me. However, we always ended up going back to one another. Not just sloppy, drunken mistakes ... but a pattern of affection and intimacy and dating. I began to feel that no matter what happened in between, eventually we would end up together.

This last happened a little over a year ago now. Jack came wanting to be with me "officially" after I ended my most recent relationship. I told him we needed to take it slow because while I loved him (why, oh why, did I love him?), I had difficulty trusting I wouldn't be left heartbroken. He took this to mean "pull away." I endured this for a month or so, and then, randomly, met another man "Bob," while I was in a limbo of sorts with Jack. There was no instant love with Bob, but a slowly growing affection and comfort that grew into love. Not the topsy-turvy, on-a-knife-edge love I had with Jack, but a content partnership. Jack, "older and wiser", as he said, began actively pursuing me again as I started to date Bob, and for awhile I saw them both casually. Jack pulled one of his jerky moves yet again, and my relationship with Bob was solidified. I would not, could not, live through what Jack would do to me time and again, and I was happy with Bob.

Fast forward to the present. Bob and I own a home together and we envision spending our lives with one another. He is my best friend as well as my boyfriend, and I know I am lucky to have that. This weekend I got an email from Jack -- who, for the past year, has contacted me sporadically to try to get me to change my mind about him and us -- who told me that he was dating someone new he met at work. I figure his email was mostly meant as a manipulation, but I'm sad to say it sort of worked. Since getting that email I have been thinking about Jack and what we once had. I question what it would have been like if I had given him another chance. I feel horribly guilty about even having these thoughts. I know in my head that I picked right ... but why does my heart feel tugged right now? I think I feel ... jealous, for lack of a better word. And I'm ashamed of that feeling. Is it possible to be in love with one person and still have feelings for another?

– Tugged Heart, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am in a bit of a bind here. Not because of the relationship, so to speak, but more because of me in said relationship. Some background first:

When I met my girlfriend, I was married. I wasn't happy in my marriage and neither was my wife, but we never did anything about it. We both just assumed it was an extended "funk."

Well, then I met her. It started off as friendly, then it led to flirting, then it led to transgressions. This took a few months.

Immediately after the first transgression, I knew I had to do something about my marriage. Not for this new girl, but more for the fact that the bad marriage had to end, so I took that transgression as a sign that things needed to change.

So I changed them. Over the course of a few painful months, the marriage ended and all the while this new girl waited in the wings for me not wanting to commit herself to a man who was already committed. Once I was officially "de-committed", we began the slow process of dating. What helped was that since we had met she had moved out of state, so having that distance allowed us to take it slowly. Over the course of that time as well, there were things about me that I wanted to change. I wanted to be a better, different person. Not only for me, but for any partner I would have in the future. I didn't want to make the same mistakes I did when I was married. This new girl, she helped me with that quite a bit. Basically, at the age of 31, I was finally growing up.

This took many months, and I can honestly say I am a MUCH better person now than I ever have been. Because of that, I have a confidence and inner peace that I have never felt before. I know how to recognize and correct my mistakes, and even prevent them from happening. Well, at least I thought I did.

Fast forward to the present day. My girlfriend has since moved back to the Boston area and we have been living together for a few months. Although living together after having a long distance relationship has taken some work, we are both incredibly happy. I am head over heels for this girl. My family loves her. My friends love her. She is everything that I want. But, the old me seems to sneak up and smack me in the face occasionally, and one incident has thrown us for a loop.

I had a female co-worker who I was talking to about a week ago ask me some relationship advice. She was starting to see a new guy, wasn't sure what to do or how she felt, etc. That's not the point. The point is that during our conversation we started flirting and some explicit things were said. Mind you, I had no intentions of ever acting upon them, and I immediately felt guilty about it afterward. The conversation was over text message.

I am open and honest in every way with my girlfriend. I leave my computer open as well as my two cell phones (work and personal), all around the house. I have nothing to hide. Unfortunately, she picked up my phone and saw the conversation I had with the co-worker. And now, as you can imagine, all hell has broken loose. She obviously cannot trust me, especially if you consider my past, and she is unsure about the future of our relationship.

I cannot say it enough: I love this girl with every atom of my being.

I cannot justify what was written and why, nor do I want to, but I know it was wrong and should not have happened. I had no ill intentions with this co-worker and in a million years would not do that to my girlfriend, or anyone else for that matter. It was a moment of idiocy during a time when I though I had nothing but clarity. And I cannot blame my girlfriend for feeling the way she does.

My question is, first, how to I win her trust back? And how do I prevent situations like this from happening again? I love my girlfriend to death, and this incident was pure stupidity on my part; I got caught up in a "moment." I realized what I did and stopped. And the girl I was talking to knew that I wasn't serious and also knew that I loved my girlfriend. It was a weird situation, one that I don't want to be in again.

– Fighting My Former Self, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

My issue: I broke up with my ex-boyfriend last May after nearly three years of dating. We were long-distance for about half that time and were a mere two hours apart when I decided to end the relationship. He was the first person I ever broke up with, but also the person I proclaimed would be my husband someday. I broke up with him for a number of reasons: 1. He valued his social life far above me and never put me first, 2. He didn't want to move in together or deal with a long distance relationship, and 3. I wasn't sure if I still loved him, or was just telling myself I did.

I was fine immediately after our break up because we continued to see each other on a semi-regular basis, so it was like we were single when apart, but dating when together.

In November, I met my current boyfriend and promptly ended things with my ex. My boyfriend is amazing -- a great combination of manly man and sensitivity, loves the same things as I do, puts me above anything else, and wants to see me as much as possible. He makes me bagels every morning complete with a love note, and even takes care of my puppy while I'm at work. He recently asked me to move in (after a little more than 4 months).

While I have told my boyfriend I love him (and I do very much!!), I've lately found myself thinking of my ex on a more frequent basis. It is hard to cut ties with someone who I considered my best friend for three years, and had to make that decision rather quickly in November. I don't regret the decision, but I'm wondering what these thoughts are all about. Lately I've only been able to think about my ex's good qualities, our inside jokes, and still have thoughts of marrying him. But, some of my behavior over the summer assured me that I could not have still loved him.

I realize I am very young (not yet 23) and have been pretty lucky-in-love. I also don't like to be alone (adopted and father issues, blah blah blah). But ... I'm not alone and my boyfriend is so incredible, so why do I keep thinking about my ex?!?

– Confused But Not Really, Connecticut

Q: Meredith,

I'm in a serious relationship with a man I absolutely love. We have been together for about 8 months and I would do anything for him and I know he would do anything for me. The problem is his ex-girlfriend, who always seems to be lingering around. I'm not worried about him cheating. He is always open and up front about his relationship with her. He broke up with her about a year ago, they stopped talking for a while, but then she started calling him again.

He says he has no feelings for her, but he still feels the need to help her out with things. He says she has no one else so he feels bad. He has given her money for the down payment on a car, brought her dog to the vet, paid tickets for her ... etc. He is a nice guy and does a lot of favors for all of his friends, it's not just her that he helps out ... and he would obviously help me out with anything I needed. That's not the issue.

The problem is, he talks to her fairly often and I can't help but think that he is leading her on. I do believe that he's helping her out because he is a genuinely nice guy, but then part of me thinks maybe he likes the attention he gets from her. I don't know what their conversations consist of ...

Either way, it bothers me that he talks to her and does these favors for her. Being a girl, I know that if an ex-boyfriend were still doing all of these things for me, I would think that maybe there was still a chance for us and I would not leave him alone, I would continue to call him and ask him for favors. How long is this going to continue for and how long do I have to put up with it for? Can I tell him I do not want him talking to her anymore or is that going overboard?

– Trouble with the Ex, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm a 46-year-old man. I split up with my wife three-and-a-half years ago. My wife did not want to have children, which I am glad about for the most part, as it would have made divorce much more difficult. About six months after my marital split, I started going out with a woman who was also going through a divorce. Hers was very difficult and stressful, mine was not. She had two kids who are now 10 and 14. We went out for about two-and-a-half years. I grew to really like her kids and dreamed of becoming a family with the three of them.

As the woman was nearing an actual divorce at the end of two-and-a-half years, she pulled away and seemed to get scared of the reality that she and I could actually be together. I was hurt and now miss her and her kids terribly. That was about four months ago.

I really like the idea of children now that I've had the experience of being around them. I've started to date again and think about this a lot. It seems like this is the last best chance in my life to have a family. The problem is that it is difficult to date women young enough to still have children. The perfect age would seem like 33 to 37, where we could have a couple of years to get tight and form a solid relationship, then have kids in a slightly unhurried way. Most of the women who respond to me or have interest in me on the online dating sites are in their 40s and it is not as realistic for them to have children. And if so, they are going to be in a big hurry.

There aren't a lot of other places that I meet women. Should I hold out for the dream of a slightly younger woman and a family or give it up and come to the realization that I have to settle for a relationship without the possibility of a family? I know there is always adoption or foster parenting, but it is not the same. I personally don't feel too old to have children. I know it seems to bother women if a guy doesn't want to date women their own age but I find myself much less interested about women my own age and in their 40s because they either already have kids and are all damaged or they have given up the idea of kids or are in a big hurry and it seems stressful. Your thoughts?

– Wanting Kids, Metrowest

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am suffering from a broken heart. My ex and I were together for three years, and lived together for two and a half. We are both getting ready to finish up grad school, which means we are both feeling the pressure of ongoing job searches in an unforgiving economy.

Some background about him (and us): When we met at work, while we were both in the process of applying to schools. We became friends during the application process, and though I had been looking at schools outside the state, he asked if I would consider staying in state so we could begin/maintain a romantic relationship. I was flattered, applied in state, was accepted, and we moved in together months later.

He had always been up front about the fact that his family comes first in his life. I always knew that if he and I were to stay together, his family would go wherever we went, and I was OK with that. Actually, I was more than OK with that - I was thrilled (I loved his family, and hoped that they would one day become my own). Fast forward to this past September: the stress of the economy, and pending job search was weighing heavily on my mind, and I was unsure where to focus my efforts: family or career. So, I finally asked him – did he see a future for us, and if so, would he consider moving if I happened to be the first one to get a job? He told me that yes, he did see me in his future, and in fact, he had been planning to propose on our anniversary in January. However, he then backtracked and said he was not really interested in thinking about moving - he just wasn't there yet, and it felt like too much pressure (what with having to move the family and all). Needless to say, I was thrilled about the prospect of getting engaged to the man I loved, and I pushed thoughts of moving from my mind. I'm the type of girl who will choose family over money any day. I made the decision to concentrate my job search in the local area.

For the next month, I felt as though we had recommitted ourselves to each other. Then, in the beginning of November, we came home, kissed as we always did, but then he did something he's never done before: he pulled away. It hit me like a bag of bricks - he had fallen out of love with me. I burst into tears and he confirmed my gut instinct. The prospect of marriage and of moving was too much for him, and he asked me to move out of our apartment. The breakup was sudden, unexpected, and left me devastated.

Since November, I have been living in heartbreak hell (I can't sleep, eat, focus, the usual symptoms). I have continued to hope that he may one day wake up and realize what a mistake he's made, but I lose a little hope with every passing day.

I realize my story is pretty typical, but here's the kicker: I can get "revenge." My question is: do I do it? While we were together, he trusted me completely, so much so that he let me in on some family secrets that were…illegal in nature. I am talking some pretty serious stuff, although they have always made sure to keep him clean. Though I considered turning them in while we were still dating, in the end, I didn't have the heart to because I honestly believed that his family was to become my family, and I didn't want to hurt my family. Well, he has since kicked me out of his family, and they have made a point to cut me off cold. He has maintained that he no longer sees me in his future. What I'd like to know from you and your readers is: have any of you gotten (legal) revenge against your ex, and did you feel better afterwards?

– Broken in Brookline