Q: I've been with my boyfriend for the past two years. We live together (a first for both of us) and he's by far my greatest love.

Our main issue is that I feel like I'm the man in the relationship because I tend to take care of everything and it's progressively been getting worse.

I make all reservations, take care of all the bills, and if something goes wrong in the apartment, I'm the one on the phone with the landlord. Any date we go on, I plan it all. Any weekend trip, I plan it all. We're invited to many weddings this year and I've planned everything for every one of them. And I know this sounds sexist to some, but I also have a hard time with the fact that I make a lot more money than he does. So not only am I the breadwinner, but I get to come home to make dinner and clean up the place after my long day.

We've had many discussions about how I don't like the role-reversal feeling, but he tends to get defensive and claims that he "does stuff too," and will use taking out the garbage or doing our laundry (he doesn't actually do it) as examples. After explaining to him that it's not just about chipping in at home, he agrees that he needs to start being more involved in planning and also talks about going back to school in order to further his career.

All this talk is great and it makes me feel better, but we've had this discussion three times in the past two years and nothing has actually changed. No actions, just talk.

I know you can't tell me how long to wait it out, but I need to know suggestions for how to make this work better. I've tried the "wait until he actually does it" on a lot of things. It just ends badly. Just as reference, he's in his mid-30s and he wasn't/isn't a "mamas' boy"...

– How Do I Get Out of Wearing the Pants In The Relationship?, Boston

Q: I am in my early 50s and a single mother of college-age children. One lives at home and goes to school nearby. I work full time and do some community and volunteer activities. I also keep active and healthy and have responsibilities with my extended family.

For the past few years I have been dating a man who is in his early 60s. He is retired and has children who are out of college and on their own. We see each other about once a week and talk on the phone every day. In his words, he is kind of a hermit; he enjoys spending time with people but mostly likes being alone doing stuff around his house.

When I first got divorced I thought I would want to find a new relationship. Now I'm leaning toward appreciating the freedom of being single and having the comfort of a relationship that's "there" but not intense.

My main problem? We don't have the easy give-and-take that I would hope for in a relationship. He keeps track of whose turn it is to cook dinner and who has done what household task for the other. About half the time I carry groceries to his house on the T and cook there. This is fine, but sometimes if I've had a busy week I'd like him to cook even if it should be "my turn." He sometimes does small favors for me, like fixing something, but I feel like I am indebted for the favor. And, in fact, I know he mentally "keeps track" of favors he does for people, including things he does for me. He says that he believes that you should always have favors in the bank with people in order to maintain good relationships.

I think that people who are in a close relationship shouldn't keep track of everything too closely and should recognize that one person may need more support than the other sometimes. Even though my boyfriend and I aren't married and don't live together, I'd like to have some of that easy give-and-take.

My boyfriend has more free time, more money, and better resources. I'm more idealistic and community-oriented. He somewhat values the fact that through me he can connect with community events and get to know people. But he doesn't see that as a "contribution" to the relationship in the way fixing something in someone’s house might be.

I know this is a crazy situation and I'd like to improve it. So I guess I'd like some perspective - how do other people handle taking turns cooking and exchanging household repairs and the other small things that people do for each other?

– Is it my turn to cook dinner?, Boston

Q: Hey Mere,

I tend to date artist types. Musicians, painters, actors, etc. My newest flame is a writer (he's 27). I am also a writer and 24. We are crazy about each other. He is ridiculously kind, handsome, talented, and charming. We have goals and morals in common, and many of our tastes are similar. We have both been in many relationships and feel that ours is special and unique. We often talk about how lucky we feel to have found one and other.

I haven't felt this comfortable with someone in a really long time. We have sleepovers up to five nights a week, and often spend the next day together. Sometimes we even sit in coffee shops and have "writing dates." This has been the most rewarding relationship I've ever been in.

The problem? And the problem that I've had in other relationships? When the bedroom door is closed and it's just him and me, he lets down his guard. We'll talk for hours about any topic that may come up. Endless conversations about the world, our thoughts, dreams, ambitions, sex, past relationships, friends, work, family, politics, money ... you name it. We play games, joke, and laugh a lot. He lets me in, in the way that I need to be let in to feel comfortable and desired.

But sometimes when we spend the days together we hardly talk about anything. I try to start conversations but his answers are short, he seems distant, and a little closed. He is by no means rude, but his mind seems to be elsewhere. Sometimes it eventually turns into a silence that makes me really uncomfortable, and to have someone be SO open one minute and so closed the next is confusing to me. I have had two other relationships where this has happened and in the end was part of why we broke up.

As a writer I like to talk and share. When a man puts a wall up I tend to panic and question his feelings for me. I grew up around lots of lies and a bad divorce, which might be the problem. But what's this about, Mere? Why do the men I date seem so comfortable with me behind closed doors, but become closed when we are out and about? I don't question how he feels about me; we are together all the time and I know he wouldn't be around so much if he wasn't into this. Someone once told me that if you are able to be silent with someone it means you are truly comfortable with them. But to me silence feels like there is something not being said. A few of my friends have also suggested that artists have a number of layers that are sometimes hard to understand. What do you think? Is there a way I can bring my concern up to him without looking like a manic girl? Is there a way I can feel more comfortable in the silence?

– Uncomfortable Wall Of Silence, NY

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have recently found myself in the awful, awkward, uncomfortable position of learning that my friend's boyfriend is cheating on her. If that situation on its own isn't complicated enough, it gets worse.

To start, my friendship with her began because she is my boyfriend's friend's girlfriend. We used to hang out together all the time: double date dinners, drinks, and even weekend trips together. Through that I became good friends with her, but the reason we got to know each other in the first place is through our boyfriends.

About a month ago, my boyfriend and I heard about the cheating. We confronted the cheater and he insisted he had ended things and realized how wrong his actions had been, is turning over a new leaf, and that his relationship is better than ever. I personally don't believe a word he says, but perhaps that's beside the point.

I am absolutely disgusted with the cheater and have avoided hanging out with him and his girlfriend as a couple since I've heard about this. She talks about marriage and her future with him, and I feel guilty and terrible that I know about her boyfriend’s infidelity and am not telling her.

The final complication is that my boyfriend and his friend started working together, so now there is a professional element of their relationship. I certainly don't want to do anything that will complicate their professional or personal relationship, but knowing about this and not telling her is absolutely killing me with guilt!

Should I tell her? Is it even my place to tell her? Is this my business at all?

– Having a Moral Dilemma, Boston

Q: My whole dating life has been filled with long-term relationships. Even my attempt at a one night stand didn't end for a year. But here I am in another long-term relationship, and for the first time in a long time I'm confused.

I started dating this wonderful guy (with commitment issues) about three years ago. Things have been great and we both knew going into this that we would have to be patient with each other to make this work. Right from the start I let him know what I want in life: a family, a house in a nice town, stability, etc. I knew there was a chance that I would drive him away if I brought up the topic, but it didn't. After our first discussion he told me I was worth it to try to see if he could want that as well ... eventually.

The pro of our relationship: He loves me and will do just about anything for me. The con: His inability/inexperience with long-term relationships, which at times can have me feeling as though I need to battle to have my feelings matter to him as much as his own. And no, not just during the trivial fights.

So, here I am three years later and something just isn't clicking and I'm not sure if it will eventually click or if I'm waiting for something that will never happen. Having his family joke at the thought of him getting married doesn't help my confidence in "us." But then again his family has also told me that if he’s going to take the plunge they can see that happening with me.

Unfortunately he lives too much in the moment and his long-term planning skills are terrible, but he says he does see a future with me in it. I guess I'm not sure if that’s a forever-future.

My friends are split about 50/50. Some think that I need to be patient, but I think I have been patient for three years. Others think I need to walk away, but it really isn't that easy because our relationship is great day-to-day.

So I guess my questions are: Am I finding a problem in a relationship that seems to be working? Or am I justified in constantly doubting the extent of our future.

– What Does the Future Hold, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am a 30-year-old female and have been dating my 28-year-old boyfriend, Tim, for more than a year. I bought a house in January (by myself) and we moved in together. Although our relationship is not perfect, our life together is pretty awesome. We have a great group of friends, host game nights and BBQs, go to the farmer's market, work out together, ride our bikes, watch sports and movies, talk about politics and life, etc. I laugh at his wacky sense of humor, appreciate his desire to make holidays and birthdays extra-special and fun, respect his commitment to a healthy lifestyle, share his political views, and admire his ambition and his drive to achieve great things in his life. I feel lucky that he is in my life and I know he feels the same way about me.

Except for the major thing looming over our relationship, which is Tim's recent decision to pursue a PhD in his field no matter where it takes him. He already has a master's and the PhD program would be 5-years, full-time. He will only go if he gets funding from the program. We live in North Carolina and although he will be applying to two schools here, he also plans to apply to schools around the country for admission in fall of 2013. Previously he had decided that he would only go for his PhD if he got accepted to a school in NC -- hence our decision for me to buy a house and for him to move in with me. Now, he has decided that getting a PhD trumps everything else in his life and that he won't be satisfied unless he achieves this goal.

Until this point, I never imagined myself leaving North Carolina. After a rocky start, I have now lived here for almost 5 years and love my job, have good friends, and just bought a beautiful brand-new house. We both know it is unlikely that I would follow Tim if he left (although I would be lying if I said I haven't started thinking about what a more adventurous life might look like, going wherever his education and work takes us). With that in mind -- that I am not sure I would go with him if he left North Carolina -- the question is what to do with our relationship now, when we won't know where he gets accepted until mid-2013.

We have talked about this at length. Tim doesn't want to break up now. He wants to take life day-by-day and get as much out of this relationship as we can, even if he leaves for school next year without me. He says he doesn't like to think about going through the next year without me and my support. I don't want to break up now either, but I also don't want to invest another year in this relationship only for him to tell me he is leaving in the fall of 2013. I don't feel truly happy and secure in this relationship anymore when the thought of it ending is always in the back of my head. Worse, it is hard for me to hear about him planning for this future and what he needs to do to ensure he gets into a good program. Sometimes it feels like he is making all these plans to better his future -- a future that may not include me. I truly admire his ambition and I want him to pursue his dreams but it also hurts to think of what it all means for our relationship. At the same time, I love our life together and don't want to mess that up before I really know there is no hope for our future.

I know I need to make this decision on my own, but I am curious what you and other people think. Sometimes I feel like I should live in the moment and enjoy all our time together and just see what happens next year. Other times it breaks my heart to think of becoming more invested in this relationship knowing there is a good chance it will end. Please help.

– Expiration Dating

Q: Dear Meredith,

I'm a longtime LL reader. About a year-and-a-half ago, I started dating a wonderful guy after we had become close friends. Our relationship is everything I want -- we laugh, we support each other, we have fun, and there is plenty of physical attraction. Any other ex-boyfriend pales in comparison. We have talked many times about the future, and we both see us getting married and having kids (we are both in our early 30s).

Boyfriend has worked very hard, and he just got accepted to graduate school. He's elated. I'm proud of him. But the downside is that he has to move to a new city for two years. We will soon be shifting from inseparable to a long-distance relationship. I am trying to support him in his new adventure, but I am also terrified. We had started to plan on living together if he got into a school in Boston. Now we will be three hours apart. Will this delay our plans to get married and start a family? Should we get engaged before he leaves to solidify our commitment? Will we grow tired of the distance and fight all the time? How will we make this work?

These questions are wearing me down, and putting it mildly, I have not been my best self around Boyfriend. I'm snippy and emotional. All I can think about is what is going to happen with us. It's been difficult to enjoy my time with him, and I am fighting the urge to avoid him. I have told him how I feel and asked him these questions. He tries to be sympathetic, but he doesn't have any answers. He says he needs to think about it. So I have backed off. He is leaving in two months.

I don't want to rush the guy, but come on. I'm freaking out. Give a girl some answers. Show me that you're still in this relationship for the long-term and how you want to make it work. It's been about four weeks and I am losing my patience. Is there a way to balance his need to process with my need to know what's going to happen next? This is obviously a big change for him too. Should I be pushing for answers and for a sign of commitment or should I just let things run their course? Am I being a crazy lady?

– Losing My Cool, Boston

Q: I am 18 years old. A college freshman. I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. We met last summer because we work together. He is a wonderful person -- sweet, very romantic, loving, understanding (to an extreme degree), and in my head, when I think about him, I just think about how he is just absolutely the perfect guy. But for some reason that I can't pinpoint, I am not at all IN love with him. Whenever I think about him, I also have this feeling of guilt. It just feels wrong, and although I don't know why this feeling came about, it is still very much there.

The thing is, I'm away at college, and once our summer jobs were over for the year, we have been a minimum of a 40 minute drive away from each other. In the beginning we were constantly texting each other and Skyping almost every single night for hours and hours on end. But it’s become much more difficult to communicate.

And above all else, I am so busy with schoolwork and stressed out that I am despicably flaky when it comes to communication with him. He is so wonderful, and I just feel like he deserves so much better than me.

But I have no idea how to end it. He really has never ever messed up at all, and I am very, very far from perfect. Also, we work together in the summer around kids, and I don't want there to be a lot of awkwardness between us-for the campers' sakes. I don't know how to do this.

Can someone please give me some advice? I have never broken up with anyone before. The only other relationship I have ever been in lasted two weeks, and then there was just awkwardness between us, so we broke up. I don't know what to do. Someone please help me out here.

– Torn and Confused, NY

Q: Dear Meredith,

I went out on a "Dinner with Cupid" date set up through the Boston Globe Magazine. I was very optimistic about the experience. I love trying new things and I was excited about embarking on this new opportunity. My date and I had a great time. Throughout the date I felt comfortable and our conversation was very engaging. At one point during the date he asked me what I was looking for in a relationship. I explained to him that I am looking for a companion and partner, someone to spend time with and try new things with. My date said he agreed and that he was looking for the same thing.

He asked when my last relationship was and I told him it had been a year or so. He told me he had been dating but hadn't been in a serious relationship in a long time as well. After the date, we exchanged numbers and he said he would be interested in getting together again soon. The following day after I completed my interview with the Globe, I got a text from him. He asked me how my interview went and then landed some harsh news. He said he had a great time on our date but that he needed to be honest with me and tell me that he was actually in a relationship with someone.

Obviously this was shocking. After about an hour of mourning the loss of a potential relationship brewing, I moved on with my life but not without doing a little soul searching. It seems that I am so optimistic and hopeful that I believe every word my date says. I always believe that what my date says is true and expect him to follow through. Maybe I am hearing only what I want to hear. Am I reading into what my date says too much? Should I compromise my openness and put my guard up? Why can't people be honest about how they feel and what they want?

In some of my past failed relationships I definitely jumped all in whereas my partner was more hesitant to really be fully emotionally invested in the relationship. I just can't help myself. I am a hopeless romantic who sees the best in everyone. How can I fix this so that I can see through the liars and find someone who wants to be in a healthy committed relationship with me?

– Gullible?, MA

Q: Dear Meredith and LL commenters,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year. We met in college almost 10 years ago (we're now both in our late 20s) but we were just friends and dating other people. We eventually realized that we wanted our relationship to go to the next level and started dating. I have always found him very attractive, fun, and one of the nicest guys I know. I have since fallen very deeply in love. After knowing him so for long and now so intimately, I have seriously started to picture a future with him. I know from what he says and how he behaves that he loves me, enjoys spending his time with me, and also has thoughts about the future. We've both been very happy.

So here's my problem. The other night I was at his condo sitting next to him as he worked on his computer. As he closed down some browsers there was a picture of a teeny-waisted, large-busted female in her underwear -- clearly from the internet, not someone we know. I immediately got very upset in a pathetic and crying, not angry, sort of way.
I know that men do this all the time but I never thought about him doing it (because, of course, I naively thought he was perfect). I know that other people would have handled this better than I did.

I consider myself a sexual person but only with the person I'm with. We're intimate most days that we see each other (about 4 times a week) and I know he's satisfied (he re-stated this after the incident). But I've never watched videos or looked at pictures or even imagined doing anything with anyone else. I was in shock and greatly hurt. I hate thinking about him wanting someone else -- even just a woman in a picture -- who was not me. Additionally, it made me feel really insecure because I do not look like her. I have an athletic build and will never have those Barbie dimensions. He was clearly very sorry that I was hurt, told me how much he loved me, and that he would never, ever cheat on me. He spent a lot of time just holding me and trying to make me feel better and reminded me that I am the person with whom he wants to experience life. But he never uttered a single thing about stopping what he was doing.

My questions are: Why do people do this? How do I get over it? Will I ever understand where he's coming from? How can I move forward? Every day I picture him thinking about this anonymous girl and it breaks my heart. I would appreciate any insight or advice, and someone to talk some sense into me.

– Only Have Eyes for Him, MA

Q: Hi Meredith,

About four years ago on a summer internship in Europe I met my current boyfriend, "Bob." We were both 20 and had the best summer of our lives. For the next three years we stayed in contact with monthly emails but were not together. Both of us had other relationships, etc. Our reconnection occurred during a family trip last year when I went off to visit him for a few days. That kind of jump-started a new relationship and we began talking on phone and online every day. We've visited each other many times since then and met each other's friends and family. He will be here for many weeks this summer (yay!).

That brings us to now. I am about to graduate and he still has one year of school and then another optional internship year, which he seems very interested in doing. We have discussed the future in that he knows that I am willing to go over there for a year or so with the understanding that I'd be working at a job that I am likely very over-qualified for (I'm a dual EU citizen so visas aren't a problem). He is adamant that when he's done with his obligations he plans on coming to the US to work so that he can be with me. We have discussed how we want to be together. We have the same world views, interests, career goals, love of travel, the list goes on (oh, and we're MADLY in love). There's a future here Meredith, I'm just not sure how to go about it.

I've been applying to jobs both here and in his country (which I love), but I'm so confused. Last week I found a job in my field at his school and applied to it immediately. When I told Bob about it, he freaked. He said that having me in his school would be too stressful. He said he would have to study all next year and would have to ignore me, and that he prefers a long-distance relationship now because I am a great "escape" from his stressful life. He said that I am the best thing in his life right now because I am not in the city and school that he hates. That totally threw me off, as he is well aware that I have been applying for jobs there and that I thought that this would be a great option until we can really be together. I've made it clear to him that I can't do more years of long distance. I think we both deserve someone who can be there for us. He is "looking into" coming over permanently next May (a year earlier than he had planned), but I'm not sure if he is just telling me that because that’s what I want to hear.

My questions are: Is he just a stressed student freaking out about commitment or am I just a place-holder until he isn't bogged down by school? Why would he invest so much if I'm just a place-holder? Should I move to his country for the next year even though it would be a back-pedal on my career? And more importantly, should I move even though it seems that he doesn't want me there? We have an entire summer together to look forward to, but after that it's a big black hole. Thanks for your help.

– One of us is on the wrong side of the ocean, New Haven

Q: Dear Meredith,

Five months ago, I started dating a veteran, "Chris."

As cliché as it sounds, I knew I loved him the first day I met him. It's an unexplainable feeling, one I've never felt before. I knew he was the one -- or thought he was. For the majority of the relationship the feeling seemed to be reciprocated. Everything just fell into place. He admitted to feeling the same way, and we had so many plans for the months to come. But now I'm not so sure any of it was ever true. By the end of March, things managed to come to screeching halt.

The week before we stopped speaking lingers in my mind. 1. We had an argument (It took me a while to remember what we were fighting about, that's how stupid it was), 2. He was leaving town for a bachelor party, and 3. We had a pregnancy scare.

The fight was about the fact that he had been moody (an occasional problem) and I brought it up. Shortly after that -- when we had the pregnancy scare -- he was great. He was there for me. Then he went to the bachelor party and returned in good spirits. Then, days later, he ended it without warning. The last thing that he ever said to me after ending it was that he was doing great and didn't want to be friends because just seeing my name show up on his phone reminds him of a time in his life that he much rather forget.

Most people reading this blog would tell me to get over him and move on but that's the problem. The heart feels what it feels. I want to contact him but I'm afraid of the outcome.

I am in my late 20s and at this point I'm so tired of being a fly strip for the world’s most dysfunctional men. How can my feelings for someone be so wrong?

How do people claim to "fall in love" and just walk away? Do you think we could ever be friends again? The way things ended was just so confusing. It happened in a flash. Wednesday, after his trip, he was expressing how much he was falling for me, and Saturday he decided he wanted nothing to do with me.

I guess what it comes down to is that a huge part of me feels betrayed, but more than that I just am not buying into the whole "he was emotionally unstable" bit. Other than getting moody every now and then there had never been any red flags. The biggest part of me feels like he didn't want to be "that guy," so when he knew he was free of any possibility of fathering a child, he jumped ship. I don't know.

Should I write him? If so what do I say?

– Needs closure, NJ

Q: I have a great boyfriend. We have been together for two years and live together. We love to do the same things, have mutual friends, and enjoy each other. I really love him and he is the most important person in my life. I have great girlfriends who support me and I am not afraid to be alone. I know that I am with him because I want to be with him.

The issue is, sometimes he tends to be selfish. He'll buy me a CD as a present but then and open it and download it to his computer before he gives it to me. He will tell me that he will pick something up from the store and never do it.

He always complains about not having any money but then will go and spend hundreds of dollars on concert tickets. He is willing to spend hundreds of dollars and travel hundreds of miles to go see a band but is unwilling to spend $15 on the trash can that I asked him to get the other day. Not only that, because he spends his money on concerts, it has made it impossible to ever take a vacation together. I know I am part of the problem as well -- I won't nag him to follow through and then when he doesn't I am disappointed. I am more disappointed by the fact that when HE needs something, it is done immediately.

I noticed this lackadaisical attitude also translates over to his work as well. He has been working for the same company for years which is great (especially in this economy) but complains and comes home depressed every day. He has shown interest in getting a new job but refuses to take the steps to find a new job (like creating a resume). Three months after he stated he wanted a new job I began looking for a new job, and I have had three interviews. He hasn't finished his resume yet.

We have discussed all of these issues numerous times. Immediately after the conversation it gets better, but then over time he goes back to his old ways.

I guess my questions is, is his lazy attitude a deal breaker? Is this just typical of most men? Should I just be happy with the way things are since he is such a good person and we are so compatible?

– Is good enough, good enough?, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I need an outsider's perspective on this:

I met a guy, "Jack," online about two and a half months ago. We really sparked immediately and even made out at the train station. He was the first guy to really strike my fancy since a bad break up last summer, and we kept it slow but saw each other about once a week. There was lots of kissing and staring longingly at each other but not much more.

Things slowed even further at one point with us not seeing each other for more than two weeks. When we did finally hang out, we suddenly weren't even making out. Now we're at a point where at the end of our last hangout, he gave me a hug.

My frustration comes from the fact that even though I don't see him often, I'm still very attracted to Jack when we do hang out. We laugh, we have spark, we call each other adorable. I feel like he acts like he's still romantically interested in me but he doesn't make any moves any more. Normally I'd just go for it with him, but I'm afraid he wants to be platonic and that's why he's slowed.

So, my question: Do I talk to him about this? Should I ask if he still wants us to be dating or if we've officially moved into friend zone? Or would that just make things awkward and potentially alienate him from me completely? My gut is to ask, but my friends keep telling me to wait it out. It's never been very serious and I'm not looking for him to commit to me. I just want to know if he's now my cool fun buddy or if I can still make out with him like I really want to.

– Befuddled and Bamboozled, Somerville

Q: Dear Meredith,

For the last two years my boyfriend and I have been separated by 3,000 miles. We see each other for a few days every few months, because as young professionals just starting out (he's 24, I'm 23) that's all we can manage. I have tried to convince myself that it's good enough, that a promise of a tomorrow together makes all the days in between -- even the most miserable ones -- worthwhile.

The truth is, it's not and it doesn't. We both know this. So, after countless phone calls, many arguments, and costly visits, we've decided this is it. Something needs to change. Either we're going to live in the same place and give this a real shot, or we're going to call it quits for good. We have a deadline of two months. If we can't figure out a way to be together by then, we're going to break off our nearly 4-year relationship.

Here's the problem: I just started my job here and can't move. He has been working in his for about two years and is in a better position to leave. But the job market is awful and the career we're both in isn't exactly burgeoning. In fact, most jobs are being shrunk, consolidated, or eliminated. It's unlikely he'll find the kind of work he's been doing if he were to move here, and I'm concerned he won't be able to find a job in the business at all. He's started thinking about going back to school.

Though I know I love him and I want him close, I'm nervous and guilty about asking him to give up his life to be a part of mine. What if things don't work out when we're in the same place? What if he begins to resent me for asking this of him? Is a deadline even practical? Or should we cut our losses now and go our separate ways?

Any advice would be helpful, because the way things are now isn't working for either of us. Staying thousands of miles apart is no longer an option. We need something more.

– Fed up with the distance, Washington D.C.

Q: Hi Meredith --

I've spent the last few weeks contemplating this question, and though I'm usually one to know what the "right" answer is, I can't seem to figure this one out. As a faithful reader I figured I'd turn to you and your readers for some advice.

Three months ago I was dumped by a guy I liked … a lot. Initially I thought things were going great and was willing to make a lot of effort in our relationship. I stayed in on nights I wanted to go out, got close to his group of friends, met his parents after just two months together, and even stayed in Boston when I was contemplating a move. He soon proved that he wasn't willing to reciprocate those gestures, and when I asked him to meet me halfway he confessed he had major trust issues. I told him that though we'd only been together for a few months, I cared about him deeply and wanted to be there for him to prove to him he could trust me. Two days later, he gave me the ol' "we need to talk."

Since the night of the breakup we have not exchanged a single word. He immediately defriended me on Facebook (within a few hours -- a trivial thing, but very telling of his deep emotional issues/immaturity) and made it very clear that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

Three months, lots of tears, and a huge heartache later I'm in a much better place. I'm gearing up to quit my job and making plans to travel and to move to New York where I've always dreamed of living.

The thing is, I never got closure. While most of my friends have suggested that he simply copped out -- that he got scared of being committed and vulnerable with someone and the easy answer was to run -- part of me is still incredibly confused as to how and why he was so willing to let go of everything we'd built. This was the guy who, just before we broke up, bought tickets for us to upcoming sporting events, talked about plans for the winter, and kept telling me how much is parents absolutely loved me.

I'm moving to New York in just over a month. Is it worth reaching out to this guy to ask him to ask him all the questions I've been contemplating for months? Part of me is scared to leave Boston without closure, but will his answers satisfy me or just open the wounds all over again? Am I naive to think that a conversation would bring me any peace? Please, help.

– Craving Closure, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

About 6 months ago, my boyfriend of less than a year broke up with me abruptly, citing a number of reasons ("It shouldn't be this hard," "I just can't do this," "I'm a loser," and the whole gamut of commitment-phobe type reasons). To say that it broke my heart is an understatement. I truly loved him and still do.

When he first asked me out I was elated but cautious. We had been good acquaintances for years and I always liked him but knew about his commitment issues. I definitely fell for the idea that I was the only girl he had ever loved, and used that as a reason to justify him not being the world's best boyfriend. Throughout our relationship I tried my best to be patient with him through our ups and downs. We fell into a pattern of getting really close, usually following some beautiful love-filled weekend, then he would freak out and backtrack, and then we'd start over again. When we broke up I assumed we'd never get back together as I had done everything possible to try and give him the space throughout our relationship to adjust to being in one. Getting over him was one of the hardest things I've had to go through, but I've made a lot of progress -- applied to school, moved, etc., all the while thinking about him every day.

Then about a month ago, I was asked to make a decision that I thought I would be really happy about. My ex wanted to see me again and see if we could make it work. I was nervous, excited, and afraid all at once. Since that time, we've had a few dates, each one fantastic. But I already see some of the old patterns coming out -- days without talking, unanswered phone calls, and a tendency to regress as soon as we start to talk about our relationship.

So my question is this: How long do I see if we can "make this work?" At 28 I find myself falling for him again, but am so afraid of getting hurt that I can't just let go and trust him. Then when I do decide to let go, I don't hear from him for a couple of days. How do we move into this slowly while still building up our relationship? I love him but am not sure if he really wants to work on our relationship or just misses me and knows I'll always be there for him.

– Do I Give Him Another Shot, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been dating this guy since last summer. We hit it off right away and things were great ... until his ex came back in the picture. He said he needed to go back to her and make sure he did what he could to make that relationship work. Well, it didn't work and he came back to me after a couple of weeks. A month later, he decided to go back to her. When that didn't work, he came back again and we've been going at it since then. I know, you must be thinking ... didn't this girl ever hear the saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?!" Yes, I have. There is something about this guy that keeps me around.

I expected him to come back and make an effort to tell me or show me that he's here to stay this time. Well, he says and does nothing to tell or show me those things. When I've talked to people about this, they say, "That's how guys are. They don't talk about their feelings." Whenever I bring it up his response is, "What's the rush? Let nature take its course." It wasn't until very recently that he admitted that he knows he needs to step it up. I'm getting to the point where I can't take it anymore. I'm too old for these games. OK, I'm only in my late 20s but this seems like high school behavior to me. I'm a confident girl and I know I deserve better, but I want him to be the one who is better. He says he really likes me, that I'm 100% better than his ex, and that he's just still working on things in his head. She was his first love and the only girl he ever opened up to and she betrayed him. He doesn't want that happening again.

I should probably mention that we've talked about moving out of town together, which would scream commitment to some people but to me only confuses me more. I don't want to move away from my family and friends with someone who hasn't really proven their feelings to me yet.

Do I wait to see if he comes around or do I turn and run before I get hurt ... again?

– Too Old For This, New York

Q: I have been dating a man for a handful of months. I started seeing him after getting out of a long and serious relationship. I was reluctant at the beginning to really be out with him because I was scared of hurting my former partner. I think I disappointed him on a number of occasions by not going out.

More recently we have been going out and I am no longer concerned about being publicly involved with someone else. However, not long ago, when I asked about our status, he told me he didn't want a commitment, and I think he said this because he knew he was going to hook up with an ex. He did hook up with his ex, and because we had no commitment I went along and dated and hooked up with others.

His hook-up with his ex-girlfriend didn't work out the way he was hoping, and now he has been acting like he's more into our relationship. I like it and I enjoy his company. I like how it feels when he holds me and feel my heart glow a bit when he does. This scares me because I don't want to get hurt, and so I continue to date other people. That said, I would chose to only see him, if he asked me.

I need to ask: Is it too soon to ask about our status again? The "no commitment" chat was about a month ago. Should I be bothered by being second fiddle -- even though I can understand the draw of an ex? If I am not jealous about the hook up, could I possibly have the feelings I think I do? And how aware should I make him of my dating other people if he doesn't ask questions and has told me we have no commitment? Should I have to ask if he has slept with someone else, if he is sleeping with me? Or should I expect to be told.

– Seems Like a Mess for So Many Reasons, Boston

Q: Hey Meredith,

I'm 24 and have been dating a wonderful girl for almost 8 months. We have a great relationship and recently moved in together. My problem isn't with her, but rather with her best friend!

The friend is one of those people who won't allow others around them to be happy if they aren't. My girlfriend has told me that the friend has never liked any of her ex-boyfriends. The friend and I have always gotten along until recently, when my relationship with my girlfriend became more serious and we moved in together. Since then the friend has instigated fights with me by saying passive aggressive things and even tried to drag my girlfriend into it. To give you a little background, the friend and my girlfriend lived together for the past year until we moved in together so we've all had a lot of exposure to each other. My girlfriend is starting to get fed up with the shenanigans that this girl keeps pulling, but she's afraid to lose her best friend since they've been besties for 11 years.

I keep trying to tell her that if this girl were really her friend she would want her to be happy, but my girlfriend is afraid of losing her even when she's starting all this drama. I'm not one to give ultimatums, but I'm really at a loss for what I should!

I need help!

And for the record, I strongly believe the problem isn't that the girlfriend's best friend is romantically interested in me. I knew her before I started dating my girlfriend.

Thanks!

– Fed up with the Bestie, Mass.

Q: Hi Meredith,

I met my girlfriend in college. We instantly hit it off and fell deeply in love very quickly.

Things were going great. After I graduated I decided to go to grad school and she was happy to come along. We moved in together that year; this was 5 years ago. We have lived together ever since. She is loving, kind, intelligent, and beautiful. My family loves her and she loves them. About a year ago, we decided to move to Boston to pursue bigger and better things. We did not know anyone except for a couple of college friends who happen to live in Boston. We transplanted our life together, and I had plans of proposing to her as soon as I found a steady job.

During the first several months in Boston, I went through a depression about my job search, which was difficult. My girlfriend was supportive and caring, but at the same time she was growing very tired of the situation and said she felt like she was walking on eggshells. It is also true that I have in the past shown a very dark side as far as my temper and mood swings are concerned. I want to make clear that I never touched her, but I would yell and fly off the handle. I never called her ugly names or insulted her, but I will admit that I was condescending and used a mean tone of voice. I have also become less romantic over the years, perhaps even letting her feel as if I didn't care about her.

She eventually told me that she has been going to a counselor about our situation, and that the counselor has informed her that she has to figure out things for herself before committing time to working on our relationship. My girlfriend has asked me for space and says that she does not know if our situation is fixable.

Since this conversation, I have been an absolute wreck. I admit my faults and I know that I can be difficult, but this is the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have no idea what to do. I have spoken to my family about this and they have helped me out in feeling better about the situation, but I still don't know how to approach it. We live together and we made an enormous move to Boston. I have finally found a job and hoped to propose soon.

I want to give her time to figure out the things that are in her head, but in the meantime I have been left with a huge void in my life. I feel as if I don't know how to act around her anymore. Please help me out, and let me know if this is something that can be fixed.

– Confused and heartbroken, Mass.

Q: Hey Meredith,

I feel kind of silly writing in about this but it's a real issue. Let's get right to it without any food-related innuendo (I promise no grilled cheese euphemisms here).

Basically, I am in a phenomenal relationship. My fiance and I -- both in our early 30s -- are like puzzle pieces. All of the obnoxious cliches are true. We are best friends, we never fight, we have each other's best interests in mind, etc. etc. There is no doubt that I want to be near this person on the regular for the rest of my life.

But one thing has gone mysteriously missing ... our sex life. And I'm scared about that. Now I know all about the end of the "honeymoon period" where you're amazed that you even got dressed long enough to leave the house. I know that moving in together can also take some of the steam and sizzle out of the bedroom. We don't have any weird expectations about it happening every night, so it's not even like there's too much pressure on it. What I'm afraid might be happening has unfortunately been confirmed by others who have been in very long relationships or have been married: we're becoming roommates.

We are still very much physically attracted to each other and still in love so it's not disinterest in that sense. But I guess the easiest way to put it is that we just don't think about it as often anymore. I know I was starting to feel that way and so I asked him about it, and he admitted that despite being a guy and the fact that he could pretty much be ready at the drop of a hat if I was so inclined, he doesn't just sit around thinking about it. We've both just become content with each other's company and friendship, and I'm really afraid of letting that comfort level overtake sexual intimacy, which I believe is a really vital ingredient to a healthy, successful relationship.

My bottom line is that I don't know how to make myself get in the mood or how to put us back to a place where it's a priority again without making it this weird agenda item that feels insincere and forced. I find that I often have a hard time relaxing enough to want it, and sometimes, even if the whole mood is set (candles, wine, etc.), I still have a hard time being present. I thought 30s were the sexual peak for women!? I feel slightly defective, and we're not even married yet!

How can we regenerate our sex life in a way that doesn't feel forced or inauthentic? Have your readers in long-term relationships gone through this? How do we avoid the roommate curse on our otherwise perfect relationship?

Thanks for any and all advice,

– Friends with No Benefits, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith!

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years. We are in our mid-to-late 20s, live together, have pets, talk about marriage and kids, but are in no rush to take the plunge ... just enjoying what we have and where we are for now.

When we first started dating, we would go on hikes and other athletic activities together 4 to 5 days a week. I was a runner by hobby and being active was a big part of my life. He enjoyed being active and shared an interest in staying physically fit as well. After we moved in together, it became more and more difficult to get him to join me in the gym or just a walk outside. After a minor running injury last fall, I found myself sitting on the couch with my boyfriend and becoming sedentary. Depression set in and I (and my boyfriend) gained weight. We were both in a rut.

A few months ago, I picked myself up and decided to make a lifestyle change. I'm back into a workout routine where I'm constantly challenged and setting goals. I have a more positive outlook, I'm noticeably happier, and I'm getting back into a body I'm more comfortable in. I'm working on becoming the best me I can be, not just for myself, but for my relationship. I know that only when you are happy with yourself, can you extend that happiness to your partner.

Here's my dilemma: I need to get my boyfriend off the couch. He's still in a rut and I KNOW he was 100x happier when he was physically active (he's told me so). I know his weight gain has bothered him and he often talks about how he used to be healthier and athletic. I've asked him to run, weightlift, elliptical (anything!) with me, but he doesn't want to. I've encouraged him to work out on his own by telling him how much I enjoy a little alone time with my thoughts, but he doesn't want to do that either. We have tons of workout equipment in our apartment, I have a gym membership that allows me to bring a guest, and we live near some beautiful state parks with trails. I don't know what to do. I love him and I'm crazy about him (he can make me laugh like no one else), but I see so much potential in him to be so much happier with himself ... he doesn't get it. Honestly, I don't have a problem with his weight gain. I'm just as attracted to him now as when we first met. It has everything to do with his attitude. He never wants to do anything and he's crabbier more often than he used to be. The most I can convince him to do is occasionally go for a walk, but after less than a mile, he calls it quits.

I'm all for separate interests and individuality, but it's hard to come home after accomplishing a small victory in the gym to my boyfriend who’s only interested in the TV. I'd love to hear about his accomplishments for the day, but other than work, he's not doing anything.

It almost seems like the more I accomplish in my athletic life, the less he wants to hear about it. I mean, I trained for months for an intense team relay race across the state and I couldn't get him to come to watch one of my three legs of the race (and it went right through our town!). He's supportive in other ways, but when he chooses not to be a part of such a big accomplishment like that it really hurts my feelings. He shows almost no interest when I come home after accomplishing a personal best lift or shed a few seconds off of my mile pace, so I've stopped talking about it.

I guess my questions would be: How can I convince my boyfriend to get off the couch and experience things (like he used to)? Am I trying to change someone who doesn't want to be changed, or trying to bring out the best in someone? Should I lay off of him and hope he eventually comes around when he gets sick of being in his rut? Any and all advice is greatly appreciated!

– Running for Help, Mass.

Q: Dear Meredith,

I've been a longtime reader of your column and finally have a problem that I think is worthy of your attention!

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years. We met in college and now live together. Like any long-term couple, we have been through ups and downs but have managed to work through it all. We share similar life values, money styles, parenting beliefs, and career ambitions. We are on the same page about having a family, how we want to raise our kids, and how we see our future going.

He is a wonderful person -- funny and smart, hard-working, stable, kind, and totally committed to me. Whenever we talk about the future, he always says that he doesn't care when we get married, but he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and so he's ready whenever I am.

And that's the problem. When I think about marrying him, I have to wonder if he's really the right person. Maybe I'm expecting a fairy tale, but I just feel like something is missing. We don't really have a spark anymore and the passion from our relationship has definitely dwindled. We have sex, but it feels like I'm having sex with a close friend, not the man of my dreams. When I think about raising kids with him or buying a house with him, I know he would be the most wonderful partner. But when I think about passion and romance and sex, I come up empty.

I tell myself that real love is built on mutual respect and willingness to work things out, that sex comes and goes ... and isn't a man who thinks I'm beautiful and wonderful and wants to have a life with me more important than bed-rockingness? But still, there's a voice in the back of my head that says, "This is it?"

I think about leaving but the idea of someone else being with him and having to start over alone always stops me. Leaving him would mean completely changing my life -- giving up my home and my life partner.

So do I break things off now because I don't feel the spark? Or am I just waiting for a Disney princess ending that doesn't exist? I'm afraid that I'm never going to meet someone who I respect like my boyfriend and who treats me so well, but I also want a life that's filled with passion and someone who knocks my socks off.

– Ambivalent, NYC

Q: Dear Meredith,

About 5 months ago, I met a great guy. He is nice, funny, and most importantly, "normal." So far this has been one of the healthiest relationships I have had in a long time. However, there is one problem: He's 27 and I'm 30. Like most women my age, I am looking for someone who is looking for a more serious commitment. And when I say serious, I of course mean marriage and family. I'm not saying I want/need all of this tomorrow, but I would like for this to happen within the next few years.

All of my friends are engaged or married and naturally it's something I want as well. My problem is that I don't believe this new man in my life (let's call him Frank) is ready for all of this. Frank still lives at home and never discusses these topics with me. Now I understand that it has only been five months and I am rushing into things here, but I want to know that these are things he is hoping for as well. My question is, do I stay and hope that within the next few years (if we are still dating) that he will want marriage, etc. -- or do I leave and hope to find someone else who wants those things that I want right now? Also, do I bring the subject up (and how, without scaring him off)? I don't need to hear that he is going to want to marry me tomorrow, but I would like to have the peace of mind of knowing that this is something he thinks about and that I'm not wasting my time.

Please help!

– Ringless in Rockland

Q: Hi Meredith,

My story is this: A guy I knew through a friend asked me out. I was flattered and said yes. We had a great first date that quickly turned into a second, third, and fourth date. He texted and called when he said he would, and even when he didn't. I was very cautious though; I had been through a similar experience where the dating hit the one month mark and the guy ran for the hills. This guy seemed different, though. I traveled out of state one weekend and he checked in everyday, seemingly very interested in my life. He even said he was ready to be dating exclusively. I was really happy.

One night, a week after saying he wanted to be exclusive and not see anyone else, he came over for what was supposed to be a dinner date. Instead, he completely freaked out, first saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. He said that *if* we kept dating and got to the point where it became a relationship, he wasn't sure if he would say yes so he didn't want to waste my time, and so on. I knew something wasn't right because his story kept changing. Did I mention this was completely out of the blue? Just the night before he had sent me a goodnight text that said he was so excited to see me the next day.

I rationalized every point he brought up, defended myself by saying I, too, wasn't looking for a relationship right now, that we had only been dating a month so obviously things were not that serious and that he was freaking out for no reason. He came in wanting to end things on the spot, but when he left he said he needed some time to process and think about what I had said. (Also, this was a few days before we hit the one month mark of dating).

It has been over a week. Not a single phone call. Four days in, I sent him a text saying look, don't feel bad either way but I don't want to be kept waiting ... and he responded, "I definitely feel bad either way," but nothing more. I have no idea what went wrong. I played everything right by the man book. He said he could be exclusive and then a week later changed his mind? I thought he was a good guy and I trusted him. I really want closure, but part of me thinks it isn't worth it to call him and confront him. Should I try to get the whole story? Or do I just have to forget it without closure?

– The Month-Long Curse Strikes Again, Arlington, VA

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have a relationship question and I'd appreciate some insight -- mostly because I'm uncomfortable with the advice that my friends are giving me.

I'm 37 years old and still single. I live alone, am gainfully employed, and either 1) I'm generally disinterested in what I perceive to be the requirements of being in a relationship, or 2) I just haven't found someone I'm truly interested in. Most of friends are married and having kids, and these are the guys I've gone to for advice.

Right now I'm dating a woman who's smart, good looking, and for the most part easy to get along with. It turns out she's also a little insecure, and any issue we've had over the past two months has been about "the attention I give her" (she wants more). We typically see each other once or twice a week, and touch base one other time (text or phone call). Ultimately, to me, it just seems that she's more into this relationship than I am.

Now here's where opinions diverge. I believe I should tell this woman (who's 30 years old and likely pursuing her own relationship goals in life) that this just isn't working out with the understanding that we'd either be seeing more of each other (if I was on her wave-length) or she wouldn't be upset with how often we see each other (if she were on mine). I see this as responsible.

My friends, however, have accused me of being a patronizing idiot who's over-thinking the situation. "Do what you want," they counsel, "and be super clear about where you stand, and she'll do what's best for her." To my question of whether someone with self-esteem issues would ever break-up with someone unless it was unbearable, they simply say "this is why you're still single." I certainly don't want to think or act for two people (another of my friends' charges), but I guess I think in a healthy relationship you shouldn't have to.

And so I'm kicking this one upstairs for further review. Am I over-thinking this relationship? Are my friends counseling me to string her along? What else should I consider (if anything)?

– Damned if I do or don't, NJ

Q: I have an amazing boyfriend. We've been together for well over a year and live together. I'm in my mid 20s and he's a couple of years older. Let's call him John.

When John and I met, we had an instant connection. After dating several weeks, we easily transitioned into spending almost every day together. We decided to move in together sooner than one might expect.

Living together has worked out very well overall, and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. However, when we were having some problems, I met another guy who I started flirting with online. Nothing physical ever happened, but I knew the brief interaction was wrong. I knew that I would end the "affair." I liked the extra attention, but I loved my boyfriend more. But -- before I ended it -- my boyfriend found out. To say it was a horrible feeling that I would probably lose my boyfriend is an understatement. I have never felt so guilty in my life (or done anything like this). I still feel incredibly guilty. He ultimately forgave me and wants to stay together.

I learned my lesson. I love him in a way that I never thought was possible. He has told me he feels the same. Based on some conversations, I think we would be engaged now if I hadn't sought attention elsewhere. We've talked through our problems, and we're much better about communicating. We both really want this to work. The major issue left is rebuilding his trust in me. Based on some questions he asks me, he still needs reassurance that I'm not going to leave him. However, we've started planning longer term again (things like vacations). I'm taking that as we're moving in the right direction.

As much as I love John, I also fear being in a relationship that goes on for years and never leads to marriage. I understand that we need time, but I'm unsure of when it's safe to say that he will never trust me/be ready for that step. I know it's not now, since it's only been a few months. However, in a couple more months we'll have to decide whether we want to renew our lease. I've specifically not raised the topic of marriage, but before we commit to another year together I also need some assurance that we're moving in the right direction. Is there a safe way to raise the topic without pushing him? I'm not looking for a proposal now, but I want to know it will happen if we stay together. I'm also wondering what's reasonable before I start pressing the issue. Is a year after my screw up okay, should I wait more, less?

Thanks for any advice!

– Unsure How to Proceed, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have an awkward issue that until recently I was never embarrassed to admit. I'll be turning 28 in a few months and I've never been in a serious relationship and am still a virgin. For some vague background: I had some serious life issues in high school and a social life was the last thing on my mind. By the time I got to college, I was just trying to calm down and relax, and was more interested in friendship and my schoolwork. After college, there was more turbulence in my life and when everything finally straightened out, the last thing I wanted to do was enter a relationship. I went through some rough years and I admit I had some trust issues because of it.

My life has finally been on a good path for the past year or so, and I figured it was time to explore that unknown territory of dating. Going on dates isn't my problem. The problem is letting anything progress into a relationship or having sex. To be honest, I never thought I should be ashamed of my lack of experience, but I know people can be cruel about it. People tend to either laugh in disbelief and pity, think I'm joking, or wonder what's wrong with me. And I know that you're supposed to go through the awkward learning stages of dating and sex in high school and college. I'm pretty sure men my age won't find it charming to have to take on the responsibility of teaching me about sex and dating. I've found that they're usually looking for someone who has it all together.

So, I need some advice on what to do. Am I worrying too much about this? Is my problem weird? How do I go about admitting to someone that I'm almost 30 and completely new at this?

– New at this, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am a successful, never-been-married woman in her late 30s who has been in a wonderful relationship with a divorced man in his late 40s for about 18 months. By all accounts, this has been the most fulfilling relationship I have ever been in on many levels. He is a funny, loving, smart, and generous man who is also a standout father to his three (now older) children from his previous marriage. His children have grown up to be smart and polite human beings who also treat me with great respect and for whom I have grown to care deeply.

So where does my problem lie? Well my boyfriend made it clear initially that he never wants to get married again. He had a terrible first marriage and his parents also had difficulties in theirs. He has also has seen the marriage of many of his friends end in bitter divorce, whereas I was raised with parents who have been blissfully married for 50+ years and I have many friends in (seemingly) happy marriages. Of course I thought that I could change his mind over time, but I am beginning to realize I was naive in thinking so. Over the years my perception of the importance of marriage has diminished to some degree, and I truly believe my boyfriend and I could have a great long term relationship for many years to come. That being said, I almost feel like I am selling myself short in this deal as I have been nothing but a wonderful girlfriend and often ask myself why I need to pay the price now for his ex-wife's terrible behavior?

By stating he will never again remarry, I take it as a personal insult that I myself am not good enough to marry, which I know is not the case. My dilemma now is whether to stay in this (almost) totally fulfilling relationship and just try to come to peace with the fact that it won't end in marriage, or do I cut my losses and hope to find something half as fulfilling with someone I might not care as deeply about, but who is at least willing to show long-term commitment to me? I am hoping your readers who are married can shed some light on the big question here: "Is marriage totally overrated and should I just be happy with what I have got?"

– Do I need a ring to make me happy, Cambridge

Q: I love your column. There are so many entries about how to conduct yourself in a relationship. My problem is that I don't really know how to have a relationship, and that I want one with a younger man I recently met. The man is a dreamboat -- smart, funny, witty, handsome, driven, and a successful actor. He is five years younger than I am (he is in his mid-20s). We have intense physical and mental chemistry. We've only been out five or more times and were intimate on our second date (which was amazing). Now I can't do anything except think about him. I want to see him and be with him all of the time. I know I really want a relationship because I haven't had a serious relationship ... basically ever. The actor and I have discussed our past dating history. He knows where I'm coming from, and we agreed that we wouldn't put any pressure on the relationship and would see how things go. He doesn't seem like a player -- but I am so skeptical.

He continually stops by my place but also has joked that he is fine with me "until someone better comes along." He really seems to like being with me and is very emotionally and physically aware of how great our chemistry is when we are together. When we are apart, however, he doesn't go out of his way to ask me how I'm doing, and he's not taking me out for dinners and walks along the harbor (I'm a romantic, can you tell?).

I have dated men who have "wined and dined" me, however the chemistry was never there. With this younger man, the chemistry is there but I am pessimistic about whether he will want a mature relationship or one that makes me feel emotionally fulfilled and loved. Am I wasting my time? Should I stick through it and possibly get hurt in the end? (Did I mention he is very sexy and verrrry attractive???)

Thanks, Meredith...

– In Lust or In Love?, Boston

Q: I just wanted to pick your brain about a situation I had last year. I am a man in my late 20s, and I met a girl (same age) last year who I dated for about 4 months. It obviously wasn't that serious, but for some reason the lost potential still bothers me.

We met on an online dating site and things started off really well. However, after a few dates, I started getting vibes that she was already ready to be in a relationship with me, which freaked me out a little bit. I'm pretty selective about who I date, and although I liked her, I didn't want to rush things and I didn't want to give her the wrong impression so I pulled back a bit. But then as I got to know her, I realized that this is just her personality -- she's an extreme extrovert who gets excited and wears her heart on her sleeve while I am more reserved and don't always show a lot of emotion. Regardless, we continued dating, and I began to see that she really was an awesome person. I started developing feelings for her and I was beginning to think that there could actually be some long-term potential.

I don't fall for too many girls like that, and it had been years since I had felt that way about anyone. But there was one thing that was a little frustrating/weird to me -- she was never available to hang out on weekends. She grew up in another state and went to college in a different state, so a lot of her friends live elsewhere, and she would make plans for weekend visits weeks/months in advance. I would ask her early or mid-week what her plans were for the weekend, and it was always the same answer -- she already had plans. After getting this response a number of times and then having her tell me her weekends were basically booked solid for 3 months, I lost a lot of motivation. I wanted to start making more of an effort, but I felt limited in what I could do, as the only time I could see her was on Sunday nights and one or two other nights during the week, and it got to the point where all we did was sit on the couch, order take-out, watch TV, and go to bed. As I looked back on it after things ended, I realized we had never gone out together on a Saturday night, and she never had the chance to meet any of my friends, which I think is an important part of getting to know someone.

I was pretty baffled when she broke things off, saying that things weren't progressing and that she had lost the feelings she once had because of my seeming lack of interest/effort, and that the push-back she felt from me in the beginning is what made her start to shut down. To be fair, I was not great about calling/texting just to chat between the times we hung out … but part of the reason was that I wasn't ready to do that when all I could get from her was weeknights. I don't need too much in a relationship and I actually like it when a girl has her own friends and a life, but at some point, social lives usually start integrating at least a little bit.

The reason it still bothers me is because we got along well, seemed to have similar values, and we both really liked each other ... just at different times -- her at the beginning and me at the end. I did ultimately let her know how I felt and I (regrettably) pleaded with her to give it another chance to try and make it work, but she was just done. What really killed me was that as she was breaking things off, she told me that on paper I am exactly what she wants, but she didn't think she could get back the feelings she once had. I've been out with a number of girls since all this, had a couple 1-month stints, and have felt some decent connections, but nothing like what I felt with this girl last year, so I'm left with a lot of regrets about the whole thing because I think we could have made things work if we had just communicated better and discussed things sooner.

So here are my questions: Was it normal for me to pull back like that in the beginning when I felt like she was coming on so strong, or should I have embraced it? How often should a guy be calling/texting with a girl during the first few weeks/months when he sees (and sleeps with) her twice a week? Was I wrong in thinking her expectations for relationship progression were unrealistic when we never saw each other on weekends?

– Can't Believe I Am Writing to a Dating Column, Boston

Q: My ex broke up with me about a year and a half ago after 7 years together. He dragged his feet through the breakup and it was really painful for me. Despite all of that, I moved forward, took control of my never-been-single-before life, and moved into the city. I got a new job and landed on my feet. I still missed him terribly, but I pushed forward. Because we were together for so long, we had a lot of mutual friends. While it was painful, it wasn't a bad breakup, and we both maintained those friends so we crossed each other's paths on occasion.

When I moved to the city, most of my friends were too far away to randomly hang out, so I took advantage of those who were close by. One of whom was a mutually close friend, and happens to be one of my ex's best friends, since, like, ever. He and I hung out regularly, sometimes in groups, sometimes by ourselves. Our relationship was completely platonic, but we had a lot of the same interests and also had been through similar situations in terms of breakups, so we kind of supported each other. He was the best friend I could have asked for, always giving me advice about what to do and not to do to get my ex back, and also telling me when I needed to just back off and let it be. He called me out when I needed it, and not many people do that for me.

At the end of this past summer, I started texting my ex, inserting myself back in his life and trying to make it "easy" for him to get me back. Our friend told me not to, but for some reason I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. We talked, had a few casual evenings, but all of them were pretty much after a group hang out. We never went on a "date" -- we grabbed a drink together, alone, ONCE. And I asked.

I put in all of the effort. Without going into too much detail, it took me a few months to realize I should have never put myself on that silver platter to make things easy for him because I was clearly not a priority. I backed off. THEN he came running -- when he realized I wasn't there anymore. As far as I'm concerned, I'm done.

Getting back with him, I realized, was the easy thing. I had dated around a little since the break up and wasn't really meeting new people, and this relationship was already established. We already had a history. But how could I go back to someone who clearly didn't have the gall to try to get me back himself? If he wanted to be with me, he would have been with me. He had ample opportunity. I made it clear how I felt. I just wanted him to want it. And to act on it. And he didn't.

And then about a month ago, I got drunk. And I kissed my friend -- our mutual friend. And drunkenly said some things about how I felt about him. And we met up the next day and had a conversation and it turned out we have feelings for each other. Like, real feelings. Like, heart skipping a beat, can't catch your breath feelings. And I can't make them stop. But they are best friends. We both know how we feel and know it isn't going away, but ... it's still his best friend. I'm skeptical about how this all plays out ... but we both really want to try.

– What do I do?, Anywhere

Q: I started dating this guy when were in our early 20s. We fell in love quickly and moved in together for three years, and then lived separately for various reasons for another five years. We moved back in together again five years ago, and one of the conditions of my moving back in with him was that we would get engaged and married shortly thereafter. However, my boyfriend kept putting it off, saying he was scared, wasn't ready, etc. I gave him an ultimatum and we tried couples counseling but nothing worked. I gained a lot of weight and became depressed, and our sex life became virtually non-existent. Then, about two years ago, I started losing weight and began to feel better about myself. Our relationship improved greatly and I started realizing that I didn't need a wedding ring to prove that he loved me. I started to feel like I was falling in love with him again and we felt much closer. Our sex life started to come back slowly.

Fast forward to last summer. My boyfriend confessed that he had had an affair with a co-worker during the whole previous year. He claimed that it was purely sexual and he never had any feelings for her, and that the reason for his confession was that he was ready to get married to me and did not want to have any secrets from me. Needless to say, I was completely devastated. I had had no idea that anything was going on. I told him I couldn't be with him as boyfriend/girlfriend at the moment, and that if we were ever going to reconcile we would have to do couples counseling, which he agreed to, and we started doing and continue doing. We also kept living together in the same apartment, as our lease does not end until later this year. We do not sleep together.

Shortly after my boyfriend's confession, out of anger and hurt and wanting revenge, I contacted a guy with whom I have had chemistry for years and almost hooked up with when I was younger. We agreed that our relationship would be just sexual or friends with benefits while I figured out what do to with my boyfriend and since he was not looking for anything serious. This guy and I are the same age, and he's had several bad relationships that have made him very guarded and cynical. At first I would see him a few times a week, just for sex, but over time (it's now been almost 9 months), our relationship deepened to where I see him five or six days out of the week. We go out to dinner, hang out, talk on the phone, etc. He goes on dates with other women but none have progressed to anything serious, mainly because he continues to maintain that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone. He's said to me recently that he isn't interested in dating anyone, including me, because he is afraid of getting involved with someone and getting hurt. Yet all his actions indicate to me that he likes me and at this point. I feel like we are basically dating without making it official.

I decided to move out of my apartment with my boyfriend for a month to try to get some space to figure out my next move, and I've sublet an apartment and been there for a few weeks now. However, I feel no closer to making a decision than I did before I moved in.

On one hand, I could go back to my boyfriend, who loves me and is ready to get married now. I do love him and the couples counseling has really helped us with a lot of issues that we had. But I don't know if I will ever trust him again, and I'm still so hurt and angry.

On the other hand, I could end things with my boyfriend and see where things go with the other guy. But while it's clear that this guy likes me and has feelings for me, he continues to say that he doesn't want anything serious with anybody. I do think that part of that, at least in regards to me, is that he believes that I will get back together with my boyfriend and therefore he doesn't want to risk exposing his feelings to me only to lose me.

I feel that if I were 25 years old, this would be an easier decision. I would probably end things with my boyfriend and move out, and see what happens with the other guy, with the possibility of getting back with my boyfriend if it was meant to be or just being single and finding someone new. But I'm going to be in my late 30s, and if I ever want to have kids, that window is quickly closing. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff with my whole future in the balance -- on one side marriage and kids and hopefully happily ever after, on the other uncertainty and anxiety with the possibility of never having kids. I am completely frozen by indecision and fear and have no idea what to do next.

– Utterly Confused, Worcester

Q: Back in January I met someone who I thought was a pretty stand-up guy. I was showing a friend a notorious, open-after-2 a.m. bar for a drink and cliché Irish Boston scenery. After one drink and about 30 minutes of my toes getting stepped on, I somehow struck up a conversation with this stand-up guy. I proceeded to break the cardinal preliminary-talking-points rule by nervously chatting about my ex cheating on me (due to the fact that my ex's best friend was randomly there and interrupted our conversation to introduce himself). This guy didn't seem fazed by the awkwardness of the situation and actually asked for my number.

We texted daily and went out on a first date that I thought was pretty fantastic. Stand-up guy put my coat on for me and paid the tab. We had solid conversation and a quick kiss before I got into the cab. Classic first date material. Although I was excited about meeting someone new and interesting, I was a bit apprehensive because I had to begin studying for the bar exam. Studying for 10+ hours a day is not an opportune time to try and get to know someone. But stand-up guy proved once again that he was pretty stand-up. He visited me for a coffee study break almost every day for the entire time I studied. He didn't even drink coffee. At this point, he was almost too good to be true.

After the bar exam he became harder and harder to make plans with. I knew something wasn't right -- super big red flag -- but I couldn't help thinking back to how great he had been, how his actions were matching his words and all of that other great stuff. I also didn't want my past relationship trust issues to carry over.

Fast forward to last week. I finally had some time to do normal things again so I asked stand-up guy to come over for dinner. He graciously accepted, asked what was on the menu, and then ended up texting me the day of with a family related excuse. I felt terrible for even beginning to think he would use a family excuse to blow me off and sent back a "Family first. Hope everything is OK" sort of text. No response. After about five days of zero communication and girlish over-analysis, I pieced some things together using my laptop and intuition (which I had regrettably been tuning out). I told stand-up guy that I thought he had a girlfriend and that it was an unfortunate situation and thanked him for everything during the bar exam. We finally spoke about it and he neither admitted nor denied the girlfriend part. We both know that if he didn't have one the entire time he would say so.

I feel awful for his girlfriend, I've been there, but I'm not in the business of ruining already-ruined relationships. I know I'm not a victim in all of this -- I consciously and/or subconsciously missed red flags along the way. It all just seemed too improbable to be true and I was afraid to let my past experiences cloud my judgment about someone new.

So I guess I have a few questions: What was the end game here? Do people really just cheat for the sake of cheating? Do you have to ask every new person you meet if they have a significant other? Can you no longer assume people are single if they act very, very single?

– Hi, my name is do you have a girlfriend, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am in a world of confusion and not quite sure where to go from here. My girlfriend and I met in college. We hit it off immediately and had a great, loving, and passionate relationship. She is from another state and I'm from Massachusetts. At the time of graduation, I offered to look for jobs in her home state so that she could return to her family's farm. It was my No. 1 priority to stay with the woman I love. She expressed no interest in returning down there, saying that she wanted to stay in Massachusetts. All of her friends were here and staying together was important to us. She also said that she wanted to get married. I agreed; we loved each other so much it was the best plan for us. I was thrilled and was lucky enough to find a great job in Boston. I bought us a house and eventually proposed to her about a year after graduation. This is when the problems started.

After the initial excitement of getting engaged and we started to settle down and make wedding plans, I noticed some problems. She was burning through jobs. It ended up being nearly 4 in a 5 month stretch. She's also become very paranoid. I constantly find her going through my phone, email, and bills. When I catch her, she usually makes a joke. She stopped making wedding plans and her attitude changed to "we will figure it out as we go."

Then things came to a head. Two days after she asked a family member of mine to be a bridesmaid, she said she was leaving and moving home for a while to help with the farm. After being gone for six years, I was a little taken aback but I understood and I ended up visiting her just about every weekend. She promised that she would eventually come home but didn't. My visits started to turn worse, she began to ignore me and make plans with other people. After a recent visit, I got a text message saying we should postpone the wedding. I was devastated and horribly confused.

I have tried talking with her, her response is usually, "I don't want to talk about this," then she either hangs up or changes the subject. I've been advised by some not to force discussion. I really don't know where to go from here. I love this woman, but I am very hurt. I planned my life around her and she just turns on me in such a short time. All of my friends and family said that she was constantly discussing wedding plans with them. Where did this come from? Is this worth fighting for or should I accept this is the end of the road and cut ties? I am really hoping for some advice on this!

– Where to go, Brookline

Q: Dear Meredith,

Three years ago I met a wonderful man (let's call him James) online who lives in London. It quickly became apparent that we had an amazing connection. We've visited each other many times since then, met each other's friends and family, and he even stayed with me here in the US last summer. We always have a fabulous time together. I'm crazy about him and he has become a very important person in my life!

The problem is, I'm not sure that he's crazy about me. I get very mixed messages. Although he writes every day, says that he loves and adores me, and we talk often, he still refuses to call me his girlfriend. He says that he would ask me to be his girlfriend if we lived in the same country. He was burned by an American girl some years ago after having gone through the visa process and says that he's terrified to go through that again. He has taken contracting work with a company based in Boston (yay!) but as of now there are no plans to bring him here as a regular employee although this could change in the future. He is unable to visit the US for the next 2 years due to some complex visa issues, so the only way that I will see him is if I am the one to make the trip or if he gets special permission for a business trip.

I am tired of being in this quasi-relationship; I want more. I am so confused as he says that he loves and misses me, but then acts very distant and aloof at times. I know that he has suffered from anxiety and depression in the past and this is still an issue for him and he is not receiving help. James often states that things never work out for him no matter how hard he tries. As of now it seems like the only way to be together would be to fill out fiance visas or for one of us to get a job in the other's country. He's obviously not ready to fill out visa forms if he chokes on the word "girlfriend" and it is very competitive to get a job in London in my field (although I have sent out applications and am trying!). He says that he wishes that our relationship could just unfold naturally. I have told him how I feel and he has said that he thinks that everything will be OK but offers no concrete plans as to how that will happen.

How do you know when to throw in the towel? I almost feel as if I'm gambling... if I put one more quarter in the machine/wait a few more months maybe something will happen to bring us together, which has worked before. I know that being in this quasi-relationship is keeping me from pursuing other options, and while I have great friends and family I often feel lonely. When I was in London in January I gave him a ring and asked him to be my boyfriend. He said that he loves me but can't make that commitment, yet wears the ring every day and raves about how much he loves it, how special it makes him feel, and that he wishes he had money to buy me one too. While I know he cares for me, I am starting to feel that he's stringing me along and likes knowing that someone loves him.

When I was in London last November visiting James I met another guy, we can call him Gavin, at a party. We instantly hit it off. As I was at the party with James, I was doing my best not to flirt, but boy was there a spark with Gavin! He found me on Facebook the next day and sent me a very sweet note. I friended him to make it known to James so that I wouldn't feel that I was being sneaky. A few months ago, I got a note from Gavin that he was taking a break from Facebook, and that started a series of emails back and forth; it started to get a little intense and I felt guilty so I stopped writing back but I thought about him a lot. Last month I got another email from him that has started the email exchange again. He is planning on visiting the US for a week in April and spending a few of those days with me in Boston (I offered to show him around). While Gavin seems interested, I don't know what his intentions are. It could be a steamy visit or it could just be a few friends hanging out! Maybe he just wants a tour guide?! In the last year he ended a very long relationship, so he might not be looking to get into another one any time soon.

So, I've got a lot of questions! Is it time to set James free if he's not willing to make solid future plans or do I keep hanging on, and if so on what conditions? Do I need to tell James about Gavin? At this point I don't even know what to say as Gavin's intentions aren't clear and neither are mine. I don't want to be sneaky, and I really do want to be with James, but I am tired of his mixed messages and have to admit that I am enjoying this attention from Gavin. James and I have no clear rules about our relationship, yet why do I feel like I'm breaking them with Gavin?

Thank you for reading my letter. I'm looking forward to some much needed advice!

– Languishing in Long-Distance Love Near Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

Tim and I dated for a year in college (6 years ago), half of which was long-distance. He was, and is, an amazing person. Smart, funny, caring, and carries some kind of karmic energy that just seems to click with me. The distance part worked fine for a while, but once he graduated and got a job and I was still in college, it was difficult to keep the relationship intact. He ended it, I didn't beg, but made my opinion clear that I wanted to try to make it work. It was the worst heartbreak I've ever had (I was only 20!) I've dated several people over the years, but no one that comes close to how I felt (and still feel) about Tim.

Last week, he texted me to say he was in Boston (he lives out of state) and asked if I'd like to meet up. I haven't seen him in 5 years, and have only been in sporadic contact via email and texts a few times over the years, so this invitation came as a surprise, but I was excited to hear from him. We sat in a Starbucks for 2.5 hours talking until I realized I would be late for work and had to leave. I would have stayed all night! He told me he had gone through a rough time about a year ago, including receiving a diagnosis of depression, for which he is now receiving treatment. He said that he really wants to keep in touch and made it a point to say that he will call. He asked about my love life and I was honest, but didn't ask about his. The time with him was amazing and fun...and it's been distracting me ever since.

I know a part of me will always be in love with him, but now that I've seen him, I'm curious if things could work between us. Distance is still an issue, although I am not against moving. My friends know he was the one that got away and are saying things like "you never know" and encouraging me to act on my feelings. He seemed happy, but depression can be delicate and I don't want to throw any wrenches his way if he's still trying to stabilize. I don't want to chase and I'm afraid of being rejected again, and risk losing him. I think I would much rather have him as a friend than nothing at all, but is that possible with feelings like this? Is it silly for me to be thinking this way after one meeting? Do I tell him how I feel? If so, how soon? If not, what do I do about the friendship part?

Any words of comfort?

– Nostalgia or true love?, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I need some advice that I am sure many other male readers could benefit from. I've been dating a great girl for over two months but I need some help in the "money & dating" department. My problem is that every time we go out I pick up the check and don't even get a "thank you" in return. So my issue is twofold. One is the lack of the words "thank you," and the other is -- how long is it appropriate for the guy to always pick-up the tab? I am 30 years old and probably make two or three times as much as she does. She is 26 years old and has a good job but doesn't make much money. On average we see each other 3 or 4 times a week.

Admittedly, I enjoy going to the nicer places in Boston so each date runs around $150-$250 with drinks, cabs, etc. Multiply that by 3 or 4 and you get the weekly expenditures. I've dated a lot, the training wheels were off quite a while ago, but I've never really experienced this issue. First 8 to 10 dates is totally understandable, of course the guy pays. My thought has always been that after that period things don't need to even out but once in a blue moon it really would be appropriate for the girl to at least pay for a round of drinks, maybe a cab ride, maybe for lunch. I've got no issues paying for dinner all the time if I saw at least some minimal hint of reciprocity. Do you think I am being unreasonable here? I'm not asking to split the tab every time ... a simple "thank you" and "let me get this round" would be enough.

This issue is really starting to be on my mind a lot when I am with her. Is this an appropriate subject to bring up with her? What do you think is the right way to approach it? Maybe my time frame is off and it's really the first few months of dating that the guy needs to bankroll? Again, I've been around and never had this issue. Every other girl I've dated said "thank you" and at least covered a lunch tab after some time.

Thanks Meredith!

– Tired of Paying All The Time, Boston

Q: I am a faithful reader of your column and I hope you can steer me in the right direction.

I am in my late 40s, and I went through a divorce about two years ago. The ink was no sooner dry on the divorce agreement when I was laid off. I do my best to keep my chin up and be optimistic, but after almost two years of single fatherhood and unemployment, I have only a part time job and one date to show for it.

I recently met a woman at work. She is in the final stages of her divorce. We talked a couple of times and we connected. I asked her out for coffee and we talked more. I have enjoyed talking with her, and I have felt engaged and challenged like I have never felt before. She is not looking for a serious relationship right now, but would like to have one at some point in the future.

I asked this woman out for coffee again, and I got a note back saying that she did not feel a deeper connection. She went on to say that since we work in the same place, she did not want a relationship with me outside of work (even though because of our schedules, we have almost no interaction at work). She added that there were changes she wanted to make in herself and her life in order to find the kind of relationship she wanted.

I felt confused, disappointed, and hurt. I felt like we did connect, at least enough for me to want to see her again. I can only guess, but I think she was uncomfortable with the fact we both work in the same place. I also think she was uncomfortable with our age difference (she is about 15 years younger). Beyond that, I wonder if I did or said something wrong (like possibly mentioning my children or my ex-wife).

So I am left to wonder what I need to do in order to find someone else. I have a fear of not having someone special in my life and winding up alone. Through the whole process of my divorce and losing my full time job, I have just felt alone. I do know that people (mostly at my church) care and will listen, but I still feel alone. I guess I could use some insight and another point of view.

– Trying to Be Optimistic in Metrowest

Q: I have been with this guy for over a year now but we actually have only been dating seriously for the past couple of months. When we first started hooking up, it was casual and neither of us wanted anything out of it. He had a lot of drama going on with his ex from a year ago, and I was just someone he hung out with as a good escape from it all. Over time we did get much closer, and his ex found out about me one day while snooping through his email. We were completely open about our relationship after that -- but his ex would go around saying she was depressed, would talk about what she read in our conversations pertaining to our sex life, and would tell people how he actually wanted to be with her. She completely destroyed my reputation and made me so embarrassed to show my face.

She began becoming extremely depressed, and her father was diagnosed with a bad illness toward the end of the year. She would put really heavy things on my guy by constantly crying and saying her happiness depended on him. She had a new boyfriend, but would continuously text him telling him how she loved him. Finally he told her we were getting more serious and she needed to stop, but she still continued to do the same things over and over. I also tried talking to her to get her to stop, but nothing seemed to work. In the midst of all of this, I heard that they had hooked up during the earlier parts of us talking. He did at first lie about it, but I told him I didn't believe him and he eventually admitted to it.

Now that her father is ill, he feels responsible for the way she is behaving and for her depression. He feels as though he should talk to her about how she feels, but I don't know what to take of it. I hate this girl for what she did to me and put me through when I didn't even know her, and I hate her for what she did to him (she cheated during their relationship). I feel absolutely crazy telling him not to be there for her, but it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. All of her friends have stopped talking to her as a result of her actions toward this situation, so he feels as though she has no one.

This isn't a trust issue for me; it's more that I just don't feel entitled to my boyfriend since she knows he will always be there when she needs it. I feel like she takes advantage of that and he allows her to do that. I really don't know what the sane way to feel about this is, and I hope you could give me some guidance.

– Can't Handle the Ex, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I need advice with an issue that may seem small in new relationships but I can see it becoming a big deal for long-term relationships and marriages.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years in a long-distance relationship. We spend a weekend together once a month and take a week-long vacation once a year. He is a caring, thoughtful, and smart man. We have a great relationship and plenty of laughs together. We really complement each other well ... except for our sleeping pattern. He's an early-to-bed, early-to-rise person. He usually goes to sleep around 10 p.m. and wakes up around 5 a.m. His work schedule fluctuates between the first and second shift, but he seldom goes to sleep later than midnight and almost never wakes up after 7 a.m., even on weekends and during vacations. He also feels sleepy around midday and takes afternoon naps whenever he's not working and especially during vacations. I'm more of a night owl. I usually go to sleep after midnight and wake up around 8 or 9 a.m. My work schedule allows me to do so. I don't like to take naps because I feel like it takes away time that I could be doing something else.

Our sleeping pattern might seem to be a trivial matter. But I wake up whenever he wakes up, and it leaves me feeling really tired. I try to sleep early with him, but find myself just lying there feeling like I could be doing something more productive. We've talked about how our sleeping pattern doesn't mesh too well, and agreed that there must be some compromises when we do live together. Maybe we'll stay out later and sleep in during the weekends. But I'm not sure if this will work for long. It's so ingrained in him to wake up early, and in me to sleep late. So my questions to you and your readers who are in long-term committed relationships with a live-in partner are: How can our sleeping habits mesh more seamlessly? Can it even be seamless? I don't think we should break-up because of this issue, but I do wonder how much it will affect our marriage when we do get married. Any advice and suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

– Need Precious ZZZs, New York

Q: Hi Meredith and company!

I will start off by noting that I am a native of New England who relocated to the Deep South as part of a strategic career move. I continue to read Boston.com as a way of maintaining my connections to the area and have recently found myself drawn to Love Letters. In light of recent events, I decided to step up to the plate and seek your advice.

Here's a little information about me: I am a single guy in my mid-twenties, educated, with a steady job that I enjoy, an active social life, and a great group of friends. I consider myself to be attractive, easy going, fun to be around, and a genuinely nice person. The least exciting thing about me is that I am gay. My longest, and only, relationship lasted a whopping 4 months when I was in college. After that experience, I took a 6-year hiatus from dating to finish my degree and build a career. This was absolutely the best decision for me and I do not regret it in any way. I am very independent and have never felt that something was missing in my life simply because I wasn't in a relationship. However, now that I am older I realize that it would be nice to spend time with someone I care about.

After 6 years of absolutely no dates, I am having a really hard time meeting guys. I do not know where to begin or how to even put myself out there. Gay bars just aren't my cup of tea and I don't know of any respectable dating websites. The few guys I have interacted with just seem to be looking for a one night stand and not an actual relationship. Can you help me out and get me pointed in the right direction?

– Missteps in the South

Q: My boyfriend of five years and I broke up about a year and a half ago. We have both since moved on and are in serious relationships with new people. I miss my ex very much as we lived together for many years and were not just boyfriend and girlfriend, but also just really great friends. We shared so much together and even though we ended up splitting up (he ended it because of commitment issues), I wish to maintain some sort of friendship with him.

The problem is, he is dating a girl who is many, many years younger than he is, and who has serious jealousy and insecurity issues. According to my ex, she has forbidden him to see me, even in social situations where many of our mutual friends are around, and even with our new partners. He emails and texts me occasionally about non-important things, my guess is just to maintain some sort of contact with me and because his new girlfriend won't know about this kind of communication. I've stopped writing back because I've really lost respect for him. My question is, is it worth trying to maintain a friendship with an ex who lets his new partner's insecurities interfere with his life -- or do I confront him and tell him I'm not interested in a friendship unless it's a real one?

– Cut Off, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a single woman in my early 30s and am involved in a "friends with benefits" situation. The gentleman is an ex-boyfriend from about a decade ago. We dated on and off for over 3 years but have stayed very close since we decided to finally call it quits. The break up was mutual.

We have supported each other through good times and bad over the years. We've been through deaths, other relationships, breakups, new jobs, and new apartments. We have a great connection that I never want to give up. We think alike and have the same dry wit. There is only one other person who can make me belly laugh like he does and that is my best friend from elementary school. We truly enjoy each other's company (in and outside the bedroom).

There are multiple reasons why we finally ended it but I will touch on just a few. We were young when we started dating, and we were both (admittedly) having a hard time committing and picturing ever settling down. He had a hard time believing that I didn't want to get married and have kids anytime soon. At one point he and his roommate started hanging out with a new group of friends, most of whom were women. Knowing he did not have many friends I encouraged it at first. Long story short, I started to get jealous. I have never been jealous in any other relationship prior or since and I hated how it made me feel. He started treating me differently and the spark was no longer there. I had to call it quits.

Over the years we have dated other people and keep a respectable distance during those times but always stayed in contact. The minute we are single, the "friends with benefits" arrangement kicks in. Over the past year we have really enjoyed each other, but there was no spark -- until the other night. It totally caught me (and I think him) off guard. We have kissed many times over the years since we separated but the kiss the other night sent shivers through my body and tears to my eyes. It was that spark that we had been missing. Not saying a word or knowing what to do, he snuggled in close to me and we just fell asleep. We've talked since then but "it" has not been discussed since. So here is my question: Do I bring it up? Do I leave it alone so not to rock the boat? I think I would be open to dating again but I am nervous of the rejection. I cannot stop thinking about it.

Thanks for reading!

– Unexpected Feelings, Boston

Q: I have been off and on dating a girl for the past year and a half. We are basically best friends and have amazing communication. We have talked hypothetically about being more serious, and even marriage. She has admitted to me that I am the first guy she has pictured marrying and being a father to her 3-year-old child. I am everything right to her.

However, as I said, we have been off and on for the past year and a half. She breaks things off and comes back to me. Most recently, when we officially tried being together, it lasted about 3 weeks. She admitted to me that it just isn't there for her. She still wants to be friends and still admits I am everything right, however it's just not there even though she really wants it to be.

My question is, do I still be a friend to her? Or do I need to move past her and let her completely go? I still have a lot of feelings for her, and I'm still very attracted to her. Why do I still hold on to her when I have so many other options with other girls?

– Hopelessly Holding On, Salt Lake City

Q: Dear Meredith,

(I am writing this letter on behalf of myself and my boyfriend.)

I have been dating this wonderful guy, "Justin," for almost a year and a half. He is an amazing person and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. We have purchased a few books along the lines of "1,001 questions to ask before getting married," and have had many of those deep discussions. Though we don't see eye-to-eye on every last thing, we have not found any deal breakers. We appear to agree on the topics that are important to both of us. We would like to get married in the summer of 2013. The problem? We disagree on some of the minor details of how to go from being dating to engaged to married.

Justin would like to live together before we get engaged. On the other hand I am not willing to live together without an engagement and a wedding date set. Some background on both of us. Justin was once engaged, but it did not work out. They did not live together at any point, but Justin believes if they had lived together before becoming engaged the relationship would have ended before a ring appeared. I on the other hand did live with an ex without being engaged. Needless to say it didn't work out and since my ex owned the house, I was the one who needed to move out. Along with moving out of the house I was also out several thousand dollars, which has taken me four years to recoup.

I need to make a choice about renewing the lease on my apartment by the first week of May. I have told Justin if I have a ring by then I am willing to renew my lease for 6 months, which will give us time to pick a venue, date, and allow me to move into the house he owns slowly. If I don't have a ring I am going to renew for a full year. (I have talked to my landlord and they are willing to give me a 6 month lease for about $150 more a month). I am willing to pay that extra money a month for a short term lease for a little while. Justin believes he won't be prepared to propose until late this summer/early fall. He is also upset that I won't trust him enough to follow through on the proposing to sign the shorter term lease without a ring.

We both are a little scared, though we both want the same end result. We want to respect each other’s beliefs and want to spend our lives together. Can you give us any advice on how to get from where we are now to where we want to be without hurting each other? We are turning to you instead of our family and friends since we would like to seek advice from someone neutral.

– Catch 22, Worcester

Q: Meredith,

I have loved Love Letters since 2010 when I lived in Boston and went through a really hard break up. I was with my ex, let's call him Brian, for 5 years. We were young and had the kind of love that consumes you in an unhealthy way. I was completely sucked in and obsessed. We were so passionate, loving each other one second and fighting uncontrollably the next. When we broke up I was devastated.

Soon after our break up, I met Nate, an older and more mature guy. Our relationship blossomed and we fell fast into a more mature, adult love. We live together now, moved across the country together, and 95% of the time everything is great. We drink tea, watch TV together and "make grilled cheese sandwiches" before bed. It feels very natural and grown up.

But then there is the 5% of the time where I miss the obsessed feeling, the fighting just to make up. I do not know if I am just romanticizing what Brian and I had or if I am just really missing it.

I am going back to Boston soon for a week and part of me wants to see Brian, to see if feelings come back. But is that crossing lines? Am I playing with fire? How do I ignore these feelings and appreciate what I have 100% of the time. Or is something wrong in my relationship that I feel this way?

– Will This Mess With My Head, Los Angeles

Q: I'm 22 years old and I need some advice. I've been contacted by three exes in three weeks, all of whom broke up with me at one point in time. I will talk about each of them and what they said to me in the order that they've contacted me.

About three weeks ago, an ex-girlfriend who I dated for a year and a half (the longest I've ever been with anybody) contacted me and has been reaching out ever since. It began with her awkwardly saying, "Hey, what's up?" I responded nicely and asked her how she's doing. She started talking about how she hopes I find a nice girl and that she feels responsible for the fact that I haven't. That weekend she texted, "Am I gonna see you out tonight?" That was really weird to me, because we don't ever run into each other. Three weeks later, she's still reaching out for brief conversations. I don't really have any desire to get back together with this girl.

This second girl is one who I was seeing more recently. I had and still have feelings for her that I've never had for anyone. We dated last year but it ended abruptly due to different agendas. She told me she was seeing somebody else and I didn't get mad. I have always been nice to this girl. She's different than any other girl I've met. I would like to keep her around in any way I can, even if that means just as friends. It's like I care more about her well-being than my own, and I've never felt that way about anybody before. But after we ended, I was pretty hurt. I had to cut off contact with her so that I could move on. But then a couple weeks ago, she texted me asking about my weekend. We got into a little conversation, joked around a little bit, and then it ended. This has happened a couple of times. This past weekend, I wound up seeing her at a party. I admit that upon first sight of her, I froze and I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. She came over to me, hugged me, and asked how I was doing. Then we talked and joked around for a little while. The party moved over to this bar shortly after. Long story short, we talked to each other and nobody else from the time we got to the bar until the time she left. Mind you, this was a loud place where it is hard to have a conversation in the first place, but that's exactly what we did. When she left, she suggested that we hang out again soon. Now, as far as I know, she's still seeing this guy. We wound up going out with our roommates, and not even an hour later, she texts me that she'd like to do that again. She said she has a fantastic time with me whenever we hang out, and that she misses spending time with me. Then she said that she trusts me more than anybody. I don't want to read into this incorrectly, because she could just be trying to establish a friendship. But I find this very odd, and being that this could be the first girl that I've ever actually loved, I don't want to mess anything up.

Finally, this last girl is one that I was seeing a couple years ago. We ended pretty badly and eventually stopped speaking to each other. She tried to mend our relationship a few months later, but the first girl I told you about wouldn't let that happen. So we continued not talking to each other, and we both kind of held our own grudges. Today, she messages me on Facebook to ask what I've been up to and says that she wants to meet up and have a drink. I would like to do this because I feel bad for the way we stopped talking to each other. And I'm curious to see where this goes.

Now, everywhere I turn to find answers, people say that if you want a girl to miss you and to come back to you then you need to ignore her when she reaches out. They say to treat her as she treated you when it ended, but I find it hard to do that. The way I see it, what's wrong with being nice to them when they reach out to you? I'm thinking that as long as you show that you're not desperate to get them back and you're doing well without them, is that really going to hurt your chances of maybe getting back together with them one day? I guess this is my question to you. Also, what are these girls doing? Why did this all happen at once? Clearly, I'd like to have another shot with the second girl I talked about. But I'm not ruling out anything, and I'm not jumping the gun on anything. If they want something, they're going to have to ask for it. But my head is spinning, and I could use some direction.

– What do I do?, Boston

Q: Meredith,

Please help me get back in the dating game. I have little experience being single and have primarily always been in relationships. As a result, many women who may have been attracted to me had I been single have now grouped me into the "friend zone."

Fast forward to present day. I'm single (under 25), work long hours, and have little time to meet new people. When I do, I focus too much on my own flaws. I feel I have little to offer them and sometimes don't initiate anything further.

My main issue is confidence. I am told I dress well, I'm no model obviously but I'm not a bad looking guy, but I feel I can't compete with the rest of the single guys who are accustomed and know the ins and outs of the dating world. Being single and meeting new people is scary for me, and I've spent the last year feeling as if I'm never going to meet anyone. I feel as if I can't compete with Mr. X who has supremely high confidence, and more experience. Women I deem attractive intimidate me, and I often won't pursue them because I feel as if they won't give me the time of day.

As a result, I tend to settle for girls I feel are more "on my level" even when the women I really would like to get to know (see: more attractive in terms of what I seek, more accomplished career-wise) may be more along the lines of what I am looking for.

My question: How do I resolve my confidence issues (counseling, therapy, going on a few dates?) and is there a more efficient way to meet new people than online dating or the bar scene? Am I setting the bar too low?

Any help, from you, the readers, I assure you is greatly appreciated.

– Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I met my most recent boyfriend (now ex) at church. He's an alcoholic/addict. We're in our mid-20s. When I first met him, he was smoking pot (more and more as time progressed) and drinking a lot. We slept together the first time we hung out. In the beginning, we were happy and had fun, although I always noticed he seemed unable to have reciprocal conversations. About six months into our relationship, he decided to get sober again, but declined to go to AA or NA meetings. He took on more things in his life (music, school) and had less and less time and mental space for me, as well as himself. We were together for more than a year.

I recently expressed my issues with his inability to be present and engage me in conversation, as well as his lack of time to spend with me. He felt attacked, got defensive, and broke up with me a few days later. He told me that unless I could accept who he is and think of a way to move forward, he felt that we were out of options to continue our relationship.

Then last night we went for a walk. He told me that he wants to make time for me and for himself. That he realizes now that he is just dry and the things I've been wanting in him (and him for himself) occur naturally when he is in a program. He apologized for blaming everything on me and explained that he is now seeing that he was just being stubborn, and the things I wanted were not hard for him to provide. He said he wanted to cut down on his involvements so he can have a personal life again (he literally spends all of his free time doing homework and music). I told him I wasn't sure, that he broke my heart and I don't know if I should compromise on my needs from a partner.

I told him that I wasn't totally closed off to the idea of seeing how he is when he's in a program. We wound up being intimate that night and were both confused afterwards. He kept asking what it meant, and feeling scared that he had ruined his chance of being with me. I'm feeling a little foolish, unsure of where my desire to be with him is coming from. Would it be totally ridiculous to see if this could work?

– Confused in Arizona

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2.5 years. We started out very passionate and head over heels for each other. He's very kind, understanding, funny, handsome, and intelligent. My family and friends adore him. But lately, when I sit down and think about our future together, it's hard to envision.

This is due to the fact that he has very, very, very poor money management skills and is always spending too much on short term things (a new truck, bars, clothes) and never saving for a ring, a home, and the things I am looking toward now. There have been times when he leaned very heavily on me for financial support while living together to the point where I told him that once our lease was up he would have to move home.

We are currently living apart but he is over my place the majority of the time. I tried to help him manage his money, but as a 27-year-old managing her own finances that involve two school loans as well as several weddings a year, it became frustrating and hard for me to stay on top of him about these things.

This has all had an effect on my participation in the bedroom, and it's the first time I've ever experienced that. He's in the midst of a career change after recently being laid off from work. He's looking for a more secure job with good benefits. But I worry that even with a new career the problems will still persist, a life of financial insecurity. This has left me feeling angry, frustrated and asking myself if there's something I should be doing to help him. I would love to get a clear, objective answer on how to handle this situation.

– Should I Stay or Should I Go, Boston

Q: This letter may be just as much about me as it is about my guy or his ex-girlfriend. My boyfriend, whom I met about four years ago, is loving, caring, sweet, funny, sexy and everything I have ever wanted. We dated for a few months when we met, and started dating again this past fall. Things have become very serious. We are long distance and see each other every 2/3 weeks. We've made plans for him to live up here for the summer and I am moving back down there once I am done with my graduate degree.

My major problem (with myself or my boyfriend or his ex -- I am not quite sure at this point) is that his ex -- who, incidentally, is the local girl who lured him away from me after I left years ago -- is a rotten egg. She wormed his way into his life. At the time, he was about 27, I was 24, and she was 21. Now we are four years older. Why did he pass me over for her? Well, he was living in a rural town, felt lonely, and I was 600 miles away. At the time, it was all a very logical bad decision on his part. I didn't have much choice but to pick up and concentrate on my own life. I just never expected to hear from him again. Well I did, and here we are -- happy but confused!

During those three-plus years apart, he was extremely unhappy and struggled with his ex being verbally (sometimes physically) abusive and manipulative. In addition, a lot happened to us both personally -- he bought a house, I lost a parent, he lost two relatives, and he began a business with his ex that is still up in the air. He has admitted he made horrible choices and was always thinking about me. He is also very much past her and she is not a threat to our relationship at all -- at least not in the sense that he would resume things with her again.

However, she is a threat in that our bad feelings about her are somewhat poisonous and have become embedded into what he and I are trying to rebuild. Although she has moved away from him, she still tries to needle her way into things -- she calls and capitalizes upon the legalities of their business and then it becomes all about her. The fact that they ran this business together makes this almost like a divorce. Whenever she gets mean, he ends the conversation then and there. However, it doesn't stop him from making an unpleasant comment about her -- which, of course, I empathize with completely.

I have no issues with his honesty -- he is the most honest guy I have ever met and always has been. He never lied to me once -- not even when things began with her way back when. I have never met this woman and I absolutely hate her -- which is something I feel uncomfortable about. I hate her because she was a major player in our initial separation, caused me so much hurt, hurt him so much and is still hurting him.

The two of us agree that the years apart were beneficial for us. We are older and wiser and treasure what we have, which is why I just want to find a way for us to not despise her so much. I understand if this letter is a bit confusing, but honestly, it just reflects the resentful bewilderment I feel about her -- or me. I am not sure. I have found myself more than a few times looking her up online and mentally bashing her with the sort of derision I reserve for the Kardashians. That, I know, is not healthy OR constructive.

Our love is strong. This is the one struggle we have. The distance is nothing. Simply put, we are two good people who are feeling really mean and frustrated about this one person. So ... now I am very curious about the armchair online analysis you and your readers have to offer. I just don't know what I can do to make the hateful thought of her less pervasive.

– Nice Chick Otherwise, New England

Q: Hi Meredith,

I read your column often and am looking for some advice. I am a single woman after almost 20 years of marriage. After hearing that some of my friends had success with online dating, I decided to try it myself. I was nervous since my last first date was 25 years ago, but I went for it.

I am happy with my life. Mom to a great kid, successful at work, have good friends and a supportive family, but I miss having a connection with that special someone at the end of the day. I met a few men online, but for whatever reason it didn't work out. Either I wasn't attracted to them or they weren't to me.

After a couple of months, I did meet a man and it seemed like we hit it off. We went out for dinners or drinks once or twice a week and sent several flirty emails. Knowing that he still had a profile online, I asked him what we were doing. His reply was: "Casually dating and let's see where it goes." He said he "enjoyed my company and that was a start." After a couple of months it was getting more difficult and expensive to get babysitters, so I invited him to hang out at my house. This became the norm for a few weeks. And we became intimate. And again, knowing he still had a profile on a dating website, I told him I didn't think we could be intimate anymore. We agreed that we should just see each other when we go out for dinner, etc. I was disappointed, since I started to develop feelings for this man. But he again said it was casual and he liked my company.

A week later, he told me he was moving out of state for work. He had been traveling a lot for business anyway. He promised that when he came back (his family still lives here), we would get together. His online profile disappeared. Occasionally, I would get a flirty email from him. And once he said he was coming back for a few days and would contact me but never did. The emails became less frequent and I had given up hope of seeing him.

Eventually, I heard from him. He was in town and asked if I wanted to get together. (Yes, I did.) We had a nice time and were intimate again. This occurred for the next six months when he was in town for work, etc. I saw him almost every six weeks and thought we were fine. He was complimentary and sweet. Always promised that we would see each other again. Once, when I hadn't heard from him, I snooped and found that he had a profile online from this state again, I was devastated. But never said anything to him.

A month later, it disappeared from the website. We saw each other a few months ago and had a nice time. That was the last time I saw him.

Not too long ago, I sent him an email congratulating him on meeting a milestone at work. We sent each other a few emails back and forth. But this time, there was no mention of a visit or a promise to see me when he returned.

I've tried dating a few men since he moved, but they didn't work out. I miss him terribly. And don't understand how he can just date me casually. We seem to have a great connection and he has even said "we are good together." I keep telling myself that if he were into me, he would let me know. So I guess I need to move on and forget him. Or should I tell him how I really feel? I have been too chicken to put myself out there. And afraid to hear his answer. Is he just not into me? Is he afraid of committing to someone? Maybe someone with a child? What should I do??!! After all, he was back online from this state.

– Standing by in CT

Q: Hi,

I am currently in my senior year of college, and last August my boyfriend of two years decided to study abroad in Europe for an entire calender year. We decided that it would be best if we wouldn't be together. However, this past winter I decided to fly out and see him for two weeks. We explored Europe together and found ourselves in love and calling each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." After I came back to the States, he said he missed me so much and promised he would come back after his study abroad experience was done. Well, he then asked me if we wanted to date again. I told him that I did not want to and I wanted it to be like last semester (which was talk all the time, but not commit). However, I told him I was not going to date anyone and I assumed the same for him.

Well, the day after we had this conversation I asked him if he was OK, and he said he was. So, I thought that that meant we were going to be like last semester. Well, we didn't talk for a few days and I asked if we could Skype because he told me he had been hanging out with another girl. He stood me up two times to Skype (where I was going to tell him that I wanted to be with him). Long story short, by the time I got to tell him that I loved him (three weeks later), he had just got into a relationship with this girl and changed his Facebook status. I finally got the chance to Skype him and tell him how I felt, and he was confused and told me he thought it was over at the time and that he wishes we would have communicated better, but that this girl really liked him and he was going to date her.

He then dropped the news that he decided to study abroad for ANOTHER year in Europe. I feel he made those decisions because he was so heartbroken over me, when in fact I wanted him all along.

So confused and upset over the whole thing. Do I delete him as a Facebook friend and move on forever?

– Confused, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I've been dating my boyfriend for a little more than a year and a half. He's 33; I'm 27. We were casual acquaintances for about two years before we started dating, and are fairly serious now. I love him for many reasons, including his sense of humor, his love of sports, his intelligence, his love of dogs, his sociable and extroverted nature, and his unconditional support of me in whatever endeavor I've undertaken. However (and of course there is a however), he is terrible in bed. Our sex life is an absolute dud.

It was incredibly underwhelming right from the start, but he had enough good qualities for me to want to work through this issue. He is a former frat boy and spent his college (and post-college) years with a variety of ladies who he obviously did not try to please. Before me, as he admitted himself, his standard operating procedure was to take, take, take, not give. I told him the status quo was not going to cut it with me, and he has since tried very hard to be a giving partner. At first he complained a lot about back pain, and he blamed that for why our sex life had to be very simple. But then he and I got to exercising together, and dropped a significant amount of weight. His performance got significantly better for months, but the last couple have seen us right back where we started. He's been blaming back/hip/leg pain for his inability to perform, or whatever other physical excuse he can find, and it's making me feel awful. He plays a competitive sport a few times a week and he runs regularly with me, but nothing changes in the bedroom.

I feel ugly and undesirable most of the time we are intimate because I'm not getting what I need from him in this setting, and no matter how many conversations we have about it (outside of the bedroom, usually, when things are calm and there's no pressure to perform at hand), no lasting changes have been made. I'm tired of breaking down in tears after yet another failed attempt, and this is becoming a deal-breaker. I don't know how to fix it. I am out of ideas. Please help.

– Tears in the Bedroom

Q: Not necessarily a LOVE question. But I need some advice!
My dad lives in a gated community and most of the time when I go over, there's a seriously attractive male working the gate. I'm never sure how to start up a conversation with him, or if it's even worth it! I only pass through the gate for a matter of 5 seconds -- we wave and smile to each other and then I'm on my way. What should I do?!

– KB, Delaware

Q: Late last fall, I attended a convention for bicycling enthusiasts where I met an attractive, interesting, outgoing woman. After a bit of small talk, I asked for her phone number and suggested that we get together for bike rides or platonic social events. She agreed, so we planned a first date a month or so later.

On that first date, she admitted that she was married (unhappily), and that her husband spent half the year abroad on business. She told me she agreed to the date because of its platonic nature. We had a great time and have seen each other a few times subsequent to that day.

The problem is that she is giving unmistakable signs that she wants something more. I made it clear, early on, that I would not get romantically involved with a married woman. That reality has not changed anything between us. We still see each other, and nothing happens beyond a quick hug goodbye. We meet in public places and mind our manners in every case. Aside from moral considerations, the last thing is want in my life is an irate husband armed with a shotgun.

I realize that this relationship has no romantic future. I personally don't romantically date someone until they have been divorced for at least a year, and since we don't know each other very well yet, I certainly can't expect her to alter a marriage on account of me. Besides, she indicates that divorce is not an option. As I said, I will not do anything physical with a married woman. I'm free to date others, and can live my life as I choose without interference from her. Most important, she has no children that could be affected by this activity.

Is it wrong to date this married woman as a friend, or am I doing something wrong?

– Concerned in Connecticut

Q: Dear Meredith,

My boyfriend wanted me to move in with him a year ago, after I graduated from college and got a job near him. As much as I wanted to, I decided against it because we'd only been dating for a year and I come from a family that doesn't believe in living together before marriage. So I found an apartment four minutes away, and it's been the best of both worlds -- we've been able to live together, without the commitment.

He's wanted to find a better apartment for some time now, and at first planned on staying in town. But now two of our friends are looking for a place and he wants to move in with them, 35 minutes away. I completely understand that he'd want to live with them (after all, I haven't really changed my mind about us living together yet), but I'm scarred he won't want to see me as often.

In the past year, he's only stepped inside my apartment a handful of times (he says the building smells musty, plus there's no parking), so it's been mostly me going to his place. Also, he works days and I work nights, so I often go there on my way home from work. This has worked fine, but I feel like I'm going to be the one driving back and forth all the time after he moves.

Each time I bring this up, he shrugs it off and reminds me his future roommate needs to be near a commuter rail. I'm sure 35 minutes is nothing for most couples who don't live together. However, I have a lot of insecurities about relationships growing/falling apart and they're already popping up just at the thought that he wants to move a little bit away. Thinking about this is making me cry (rare for me). How do I better explain my feelings without sounding needy or like I'm trying to ruin his plans?

– Scared of Change, NJ

Q: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because every 8 months or so I would find myself questioning if he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The doubts started after about a year together. Usually, they crept in when we were talking about getting serious and moving in together or during a relationship lull. Usually, after a few more weeks, we'd go back to normal.

I always enjoyed spending time with him. He was my best friend. We laughed together, we enjoyed relaxing and playing with our dogs together, spending time with our respective families, etc.

A little information about us: I'm a law student and he began his career living just over an hour away. We would typically see each other every weekend, but not during the week because of my school requirements. He was wonderfully supportive.

My parents divorced when I was a kid and they've been miserable about each other for most of my life. My dad's second marriage also ended miserably. Needless to say, I'm terrified of marriage, serious commitment, etc. I'm not really sure what it means to be "in love." From what I can see with dealing with divorcing couples on a regular basis through our school's family law clinic, the best you can hope for is to find someone who you get along with well, can work through difficult times with, and who overall makes you happy. I knew I loved and still love my boyfriend, and at times would believe I was in love with him, but when I would start questioning us I would start wondering if I was really in love with him.

Now that we're broken up, I'm not sure if I made the right choice. I miss him and still love him, of course. I don't know what was causing the doubt. Was it my fears? Was it that there was something missing emotionally? Was it our circumstance (being long distance), or was it my selfish coveting of the life I didn't have (which now I realize is not what it's chalked up to be)?

My question is: Was I right to break up with him? Does it seem like it could be something that could be fixed and otherwise we would be good together? Why did I continue to go through those times of questioning? Just any advice, insight you can give would be amazing.

I just don't want to be like my parents and 35% of the US married population and make the wrong decision about a partner and divorce.

– Did I Make A Mistake, Baton Rouge

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have been in a relationship for more than a year. We love each other very much and I can picture myself marrying him someday. But recently we had a problem. One of my family members passed away, and he couldn't come to the funeral to support me because he was having an anxiety attack about missing work. This need to work is something that has bothered me the entire time I have been with him. My worry is that he cares more about work than me. He says that he doesn't, that he loves me more, and that I am more important than anything. But he just can't be happy unless he completes his work. He is impossibly stressed and distracted, not to mention the occasional anxiety attacks.

I don't want him to be unhappy or stressed, but at the same time, I feel neglected. His response when I talked to him was along the lines of "well this is me and you are just going to have to accept it." He is a kind and gentle person that treats me well, except when it comes to this. I am at a loss. I love him and even the thought of being without him is almost too much to bear. But I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. And most of all, I am terrified that when something like that happens again, the one person I depend on won't be there to help me.

– Holdingontolove, New York

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm in my mid-20s and for the past eight months have been working for a small business in the industry I want to specialize in. My boss is about 20-ish years older than me and established enough that his name is worth dropping in some circles. I'm a friendly person (or so I like to think), and he is always cheerful and open. We have a very easy working relationship that has extended to a mentorship. Although there is a big age difference, we have many similarities -- our backgrounds, ambitions, sense of humor, family loyalty, etc. Over the past several months I have come to regard him not just as my employer and mentor, but as a good friend.

In the last few weeks, however, it has become increasingly clear that my boss is interested in taking our relationship to the next level. He is charming by nature, and flirts with practically everyone he meets, so I was caught off guard when he became more flirty than usual one night after work. Up until that moment, I had never even considered him in a romantic light, partly because he is my employer, and mostly because he is married and has a young child.

At first I thought he was just lonely and in need of company (he has to stay in the city alone a lot) and I just happened to be nearby. However, he's made it clear that his interest in me is not purely sexual. I haven't felt harassed by his attention (I've done the corporate harassment training and know what is inappropriate). It honestly feels like he is pursuing me as if he were single and wants to date me properly.

My first reaction was knee-jerk -- to get away as soon as I possibly could. Regardless of how this all plays out, I have a lot to lose. The industry we work in and his reputation in it are such that he could damage my career prospects, not just by firing me, but also by blacklisting me in academic and internship placements. Obviously, I'm not the first girl to find herself in this situation, and it seems like the standard is that the junior people are the ones who have to quietly disappear. Of course, his family is also on the line, but I do wonder if this is even an issue for him, given how blatant he's been thus far. He often mentions his child, although rarely talks about his wife.

What makes it hard to go against my first reaction is that I'm finding it terribly hard to think badly of him (here's the part where I feel like a horrible person). I've considered him a close friend for a while now, and I'm certain that he feels the same. We've shared both professional and private worries, and I have always felt at ease with him. We have a natural, comfortable dynamic to the point that other people we've worked with have said that they've never seen two people more well-matched. Apart from his current circumstances, he is someone with whom I can easily see myself becoming seriously involved. He has told me that he is happily married, but is confused about where I belong in his life.

All this being said, I like to think I am a good person with a healthy set of morals. I have been cheated on before, and I don't think I could ever be responsible for making another woman feel that way, especially when there is a child involved. I've turned to friends for advice, many of whom have not been supportive. I've been called and accused of lots of unpleasant things, which has been upsetting to say the least. My guilt at what he is proposing does not change my feelings for him -- it's just added to the jumble of emotions inside my head. I could really use some constructive advice on how to move forward. Thanks in advance to you and the readers.

– Possibly the other woman, NY

Q: Meredith, here's one I don't remember seeing addressed.

I love my girlfriend of many years, we get along great, she's low maintenance, and we've cohabitated for many years (she's older than me). No problem there! In that time, however, she went through the change of life. I thought, no more birth control, great! But it was so much more. While she's just as loving a person as ever, the entire sexual tension aspect is just gone! She'll still be intimate and enjoy it (when I start it), but the buildup, the teasing, and the sex drive in general is gone.

And the smells are different too, in a bad way, making certain things we used to do (and enjoy) rather unpleasant. While I'd never hurt her, I now can understand why men go for younger women. You'd have to have a pretty golden relationship to survive this. What can I do to reconcile myself to this new reality? I'm not ready to be this old!

Thank you.

– The Big Change

Q: Hi Meredith,

About two years ago I met this guy, Eric. We hit it off instantly and basically became inseparable from day one. After a few months of dating I was staying at his apartment every night. I was 100% positive that I had found the man I was going to marry. Things continued to be great, and about one year into the relationship we decided to find a new apartment and move in together.

We were both really excited about moving in together at first, but then as the time came closer I started having doubts. All of a sudden everything just seemed to be happening so fast. One important thing to mention here is that I'm in my mid-20s and Eric is about 30. Although he wasn't pressuring me, it was very apparent that he was ready to get married and have kids. I did not feel quite ready for those things. The fear about marriage/kids then turned into doubt about how I can be sure at 24 that I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. I can hardly bring myself to say the next series of events, but I ended up cheating on Eric a few months ago. I told him everything and we tried to work it out for awhile, but it was hard to keep the relationship going without a foundation of trust and with all of the hurt/pain I caused him. I ended up moving out a few weeks ago.

Here's the issue: although I've moved out, Eric and I still talk all of the time. We even spend one or two nights/week together. I love him so much, and I want things to work out. I wish I could erase the past few months because all of my reckless behavior made me realize that my concerns were unfounded and I do want to marry him. But now I've just made a horrible mess of everything. Eric says that he wants to forgive me and work things out but that we need some time apart to heal. I also know that he's been doing some online dating though ... basically I just don't know what to do at this point. I feel like I'm in an endless waiting room just hoping that Eric will come through the door and say that he's ready to try again.

Do you think I should give Eric some more space and hope that he can come to terms with what happened and forgive me? If yes, how long do I wait? Or should I cut ties now and try to move on? Help.

– Waiting in Boston

Q: Hey Meredith,

I have to admit that I feel awkward writing to you. I don't know just how much help I need, but here it goes. I'm in my early-mid 20s and with a fantastic girl. She loves me unabashedly, and I love her with all of my heart. We've been together for a little over a year, and it is the longest relationship for both of us. We're planning to move in together this summer, and I feel like things are on a great path. So what's the problem? Frankly, she's incredibly insecure, and it's exhausting.

She has had issues with men cheating on her in the past, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have had issues with cheating on people in the past. I have never cheated on her, and I have turned down every opportunity that I have had to do so. However, she needs constant affirmation that I love her and will not cheat on her. Whenever I go out without her, she is compelled to ask if I talked to any other woman, or was flirty/flirted with. Her insecurity has caused her to be wary (to put it lightly) of my relationship with my best friend, who is female. My friend and I have known each other for over a decade, had a failed relationship in the seventh grade, and have been happily platonic ever since. However, my girlfriend has constantly had issues trusting me when I say this girl is a friend and nothing more. This has led to constant fights whenever I spend time with my friend.

I am exhausted. I honestly try my hardest to show her all the love and support that she needs to get through this. She is against seeing a therapist, for reasons that I'm not too certain of. And in her defense, she has made efforts to improve on these things, but sometimes it's just too frustrating to deal with. It honestly drives me away from her. I definitely love her and I want to be with her. But I want to be able to have my own life separate from her, where I can see friends, and go out, without having to deal with the drama afterward. I worry that when we move in it will be the end of "independent me" (a la "Seinfeld"). I need her to find a way to resolve her insecurities. But it seems like something she has to do on her own. Any ideas for ways that I can support her while keeping my sanity?

– Exhausted But Committed, Boston

Q: My boyfriend and I having been living together for over a year. He lived with me at MY old apartment and then we decided to get one together. I'm 26, he's 24. I'm a working a professional, he works from home. In the time that we have lived at the new apartment, we’ve had a lot of up and downs, mostly with him having commitment issues after moving. But we have gotten through it and are at a good point in our relationship -- sort of.

I think it's important to have time out individually but he NEVER invites me out with his friends. For example, I am a football fan, and we watched every game this season at home alone together -- but when he got invited to a Super Bowl party, he didn't bring me. It's upsetting because I'd like to be invited sometimes.

Also, he's not very interested in sex anymore. I know we've been together for a while and it’s not going to be every night, but he just seems to have no interest. I've talked to him about it and he says he wants to work on it, but nothing changes. I've also talked to him about the hanging out issue, and he says "I hang out with you all the time, I want to go out sometimes, you shouldn't make me feel bad about it." I'd like some advice. I don't want to break up but I don't know what this all means?!!!

– Nurse J, New York

Q: Hi Meredith (and commenters),

I have been in a relationship for almost 1.5 years with a good-hearted guy that I'm in love with. We're both in our mid-20s. We have been through a lot together, and we live together. We have a lot in common and I can see a bright, loving future with him.

We have occasional to frequent issues. When things are good, they're great. When they're bad, they’re awful. He has a hard time trusting me. I think it has a lot to do with his past. His parents had him very young and they only stayed together for about a year after he was born. They did not show him a lot of genuine affection and care growing up, and he did not have a stable life. He also has had bad relationships, where the girlfriend betrayed him emotionally, physically, and even financially (which I understand, but most people deal with at least one bad relationship experience). When something goes a little sour with us, he overreacts. He also assumes the worst about me -- that I'm lying about being faithful, and he seems to expect to find out negative things about me. He will have outbursts where he is mean and irrational. He has also recently been feeling very depressed.

He is an emotional person, and I knew that from the get-go. But I don't feel that I deserve any of his skepticism. I have been nothing but honest and trustworthy in our relationship. I have worked very hard to make things work in our relationship. I tolerate a lot of his doubts and reassure him when he asks about things (although now I doubt whether I should have kept doing so after a certain point). I pick my battles, walk away when I see we need to cool off, and I also took my current job in order to afford an apartment together (it's not my ideal job).

I have suggested therapy, but he refuses. I suggested other methods to try to feel better, but he ignores me or says I'm pushing him. He hasn't tried anything to overcome his negative feelings, lack of trust, or depression. I know it's beyond my control, but I'm starting to feel helpless. I can't understand why he’s letting this continue when it's harming our relationship. I don't know what else to do. I have thought about breaking things off, but I can't stand the thought of being without him. What do I do?

– Helpless in the Hub, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have been going out with a guy off and on for the past 3 years. A family friend introduced us. Initially, we were going out every 1-1.5 weeks. We would keep in touch in between by email or text and a few times by phone. After about 7 months of this, I was wondering where the relationship was going and wanted to spend more than once a week getting together. Hence, I made the decision to "have a discussion." He pretty much told me that he did not feel the same so I broke off all contact. After 1 month, I decided to contact him via email that I wanted to return to him his belongings.

Fast forward 2.5 years and we get together once or twice a month, usually for brunch or dinner. We do email or text once a week and talk on phone occasionally. Also, in this time, we have gone on one away trip that lasted 3 days. When we get together, we have fun (I do and think he does too). Our families, who have met twice, seem to interact well. He has met some of my friends and I have met some of the people he works with. In hopes of trying to get past the "let get together for lunch/dinner," I have invited him to join me for activities I enjoy (e.g. basketball game or going to see a movie/musical) but he has declined. He has told me, at times, that he enjoys being able to get home at night and not having to deal with others. I will admit that in the past 1.5 years, when I have become frustrated with him, I have gone out with other guys but none have progressed past a few dates.

Have I settled on a "relationship" that is going nowhere? Should I close this chapter and move on, as it may be holding me back? Thanks for your advice (and to all the readers)!

– Am I Stuck?, Boston

Q: My fiancé of 3+ years is planning a vacation with his buddies/co-workers to Atlantic City. I asked if I could come along, since we had been talking about planning a similar trip. When he said it was an all-guys trip, I brushed it off until he mentioned that a woman, who happens to be a lesbian, is also attending. This raised a flag to me because I instinctively know what this means: strip clubs. When I asked why she was allowed to go, his response was, "Well, she's not gonna mind if I have [ice cream cones] in my face."

Keep in mind that his friends either have been married for a while or are single. Now I know that it is in every man's DNA to want to see a naked woman, but I can't help but be bothered by this. I am not sure if it's because we were trying to plan a trip like this for the two of us and now he's decided to go with his male friends, or if I'm just bothered that his sole purpose for going is for a strip club.

Regardless, I am bothered by the fact that his whole weekend will be spent blowing money at strip clubs -- money that we're trying desperately to save for a house and a wedding. I never thought of myself as a jealous person, but now that I am faced with this issue, I am beginning to think that's exactly what I am.

It's not that I think he's going to cheat, but cheating for a male means different things than for a female. If I knew that he was [looking at ice cream cones] and was very [close to sampling ice cream cones], I would be extremely upset. The counter-argument I brought up was, "If you found out I had my hands or face in some guy's [ice cream cones], you would be upset too."

Knowing that men go to strip clubs to see beautifully-sculpted naked women (and pay them to be their eye candy) makes me resentful that he isn't satisfied with what he has at home. I will give myself credit and say that I am a stunning young woman, who could stand to lose a few pounds, but nevertheless I am very good-looking and like to make my man happy.

Is this irrational? Am I crazy to get so upset by this, and do I just have to let it go? Or do I have a right to voice my concerns without seeming like a nagging girlfriend who can't let her man go to a strip club for a weekend. I know that telling/asking him not to go will only make him resentful and want to do it even more in the long run, but I won't be able to sleep the whole weekend he's gone, and I probably won't be able to get bad thoughts out of my head. I also probably wouldn't be able to look at or touch him knowing where he's been.

I just need some guidance from some rational men and women, in healthy, long-term relationships who have faced similar situations. Why do men feel the need to touch and look at other women, when they have their own beautiful women at home?! Who they don't have to pay...

– ConfusedAboutMen, Medford

Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over six months and we have a very loving and trusting relationship. We both recognize the long-term potential in this and have started the discussion of getting engaged and moving in together. After a long marriage with five wonderful kids, he got divorced a few years ago. I am also divorced with a young son who adores my boyfriend. Although there is a 15 year age difference between the two of us (I'm younger), we have proven compatible so far in all the important areas of our relationship. Our friends and family have all been extremely supportive of us, and we have both fit comfortably in each other's circles, with one exception: he has not introduced me to his children (except for the eldest).

My boyfriend tells me that the other children know that he has a girlfriend, and that the eldest has been supportive of our relationship in front of his siblings. But I would still like the opportunity to meet the other children in the near future and begin working on having a relationship with them. (They live with their mother.) My boyfriend says he doesn't want to confuse them. I trust his judgment and know that he wants what is best for all parties involved. But I feel like he has two different lives right now: one with me and one with his children. It makes me sad at times when I'm not included in activities with them.

I am trying to be gentle with broaching this topic again with my boyfriend because I know he feels pulled in a bunch of different directions. I just wonder whether his reluctance to introduce me to his children is a sign of his insecurity about our future. Are we moving too fast? Shouldn't I meet the children before we move in together? Do I even have a right to influence this important decision?

– I want to be part of the family too, Newton

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am an early-30s, female physician-in-training who is attractive, smart, well-traveled, funny, kind and ... single. I don't mind being single. In fact, I think there are lots of great aspects to being un-partnered. Yet, it's been years since my last serious relationship and I'm yearning to wake up with the same person every day, to have a travel companion, to cook dinner and converse with someone about our daily activities, to have regular sex, and yes, to find the person I'll marry and have children with.

My trouble is that while I'm very attractive and have no problem attracting men (heads turn when I walk into a restaurant for instance), I am almost never asked out on dates. Several people, mainly friends from work, have told me that they initially found me intimidating but that after getting to know me, they've realized that I have a heart of gold.

I think there are a few reasons why I may give off this vibe. First, I have a horribly dysfunctional family, which has forced me to do many things on my own. For example, moving and paying for all of my education. I can't play the damsel in distress because I haven't had the luxury of knowing Prince Charming would save me. Secondly, I've moved several times for school, have worked and lived abroad, and have traveled extensively. In doing so, I've mastered the art of appearing very confident even when I was clueless so as to protect myself from getting mugged or taking advantage of. Third, I work in a profession that doesn't reward the damsel in distress. As a budding doctor, I need to study, learn, and know a lot to best care for my patients. So, outside of work, I have a hard time smiling and saying yes to the sweet man at the gym who offers me an umbrella for the deluge outside or the man who offers to carry my groceries. Along those same lines, I'm a very cerebral person. I'm a thinker, and when I'm in my daily routine, for example walking to the train from my apartment, my brain is contemplating a multitude of things. In total, I've just done so many things on my own, most of which I've been very lucky to have had control over, that it's hard for me to let my guard down and be in the moment to let Mr. Right in.

Let me add, however, that I do meet men whenever I happen to travel. There's something about me being in a foreign environment where I'm in the moment, not thinking of something somewhere else, that relaxes me and invokes my curious fun-loving side which attracts men.

My question to you is how do I tap into the adventurous, fun loving side of me in my everyday life to become more inviting to men without having to play the ditzy, helpless maiden in distress or coming across as a cougar who wants a romp in the hay? I'm curious to hear what light you can shed on my situation.

– Funny, Well-Traveled, Cerebral Hottie in Need of Love

Q: I have been with a 30-year-old man for about 1.5 years. It's been long distance the entire time so it's been tough, but we've suffered through it because of the depth of our love. However, we've hit a wall. We know that to stay together, we need to move in together, but that requires one of us making a trans-Atlantic move. So the plan is for me to come to Europe for 3 months, and then him to the states permanently after that.

I have no issue going to Europe, because I want to be with him so bad. My issue with him moving to the States is that is sounds too much like marriage. I can't have anyone moving here without promising them some serious commitment. This scares me, because I'm only 20 and I'm worried that I would be settling down too young and missing out on a plethora of crazy experiences. However, I love him dearly.

And so now we're on a break -- imposed by him -- because of how I feel. The purpose of it is for me to experience things and see how life is without him. But now I just feel depressed.

I love him so much and it's so unfair that to be together we have to make such a big decision. I know for a fact that if I were to stay with him I'd have a happy, fulfilled life. The bigger risk is looking around and figuring out what's out there. Some small voice inside of me is telling me that what's out there is awful, but it still has not killed my curiosity.

I'm plagued by this 20-year-old "I don't know what I want" mindset. Although I'm a firm believer in holding onto love whenever you find it, I'm worried that all the people who tell me never to settle down young are right.

However, before you comment I urge you to remember that stats show that going along until your 30s to find someone to settle down with actually makes things harder on yourself as far as love. Studies have proven that the dating game tends to give you psychological scars that you could have prevented by settling down younger. Moreover, studies show that by committing your 20s to being carefree and "finding yourself" actually decreases your chances of finding a long, lasting and healthy relationship, considering the lasting effects of having a "me" disposition for so long. Also, who wants to be old with kids? Furthermore, who wants to be without someone who will love and support you?

I'm at a point where I'm worried that I'm making the biggest mistake of my life by taking a break and walking out of my relationship. I don't know what it means to define myself without him anymore.

– Advice?, Chicago

Q: Hi Meredith,

I met my boyfriend of a year when I had just gotten out of a serious relationship. He was two years younger than me and I was just looking for some fun so I didn't let the immaturity and flaws that come with his age faze me. Eventually, however, we fell in love and suddenly letting the immaturity and irresponsibility go wasn't so easy.

He is going through a tumultuous time trying to figure out who he is. (He is only 19) These ups and downs include depression, struggling to keep up in school, lashing out at family and in the workplace due to some pent up angst, and spending time with a group of friends who smoke a lot of weed.

However, when he is with me, he is everything I could ever want in someone. He is passionate, thoughtful, reflective, and loving. Most importantly, we have a blast together.

We attended the same college but he transferred to another school to go part time because he was struggling so much with the workload here. I am actually finding that I enjoy my space from him and it worries me.

I am graduating in May and hoping to get a job in the Boston area (where he is also from). He claims that this semester he will be taking time to really organize his life and get his act together. I trust if he grows out of his immaturity and irresponsibility and this "phase" he is in, that we have what we need to make it through anything.

Is it wrong for me to hold out hope that he really will change? I know that old adage about how waiting for someone to change is a waste of time. But part of me remembers being his age and feeling restless and making similar mistakes. I am patient and independent enough to wait it out without it effecting me too much (I think...) but it's a risk and I don't think I can handle the disappointment if my waiting doesn't pay off.

What do you think?

– Robbing the Cradle, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I reunited with my middle school buddy two years ago thanks to Facebook. We live in separate states, but despite the distance we kept in touch. Fast forward two years later, and, well, our relationship has blossomed into a beautiful friendship. We talk about being together, and usually express to each other how we feel. He never misses a birthday and holiday, and always says that he says he loves me.

Recently, I decided to finally visit him for the first time after 15 years. The meeting went great, it was perfect! I met all of his friends, met his parents and the entire family. At least for me, this trip helped me solidify my understanding of what I wanted from him. I am in LOVE!!

Fast forward a few days later and I am now back home and wondering what is going on ... We were having a conversation last night regarding how much his friends and family have been wondering about the status of our relationship. I was shocked, because I thought that we were officially together. So we discussed this, and well the guy is hesitant about us and doing the whole long-distance thing. However, he never falls short to tell me that HE loves me. He also says that he had the most amazing weekend, that he wants me close, and that he doesn't want to let me go.

What should I do? I am a strong believer that if you care for someone, the distance and circumstances don't really matter. But also, should I not pressure the long distance issue any longer and just be pen pals or leave this experience in the past?

– Am I Living in a Fantasy, West of Boston

Q: Hey Meredith (and readers),

I've been dating a guy for a couple months. I'll call him John. John and I dated briefly last year for a month, all good times until he dropped a bomb on me that he didn't want to be in a relationship. Not where I thought things were headed, but he was nice and sweet about it and truly apologetic and strangely enough (on my end at least) we remained friends.

We've hung out here and there, and it was always enjoyable, but I thought all he wanted out of it was my friendship since he started dating someone a few months after we split. Fast forward to a couple of months ago. Over Thanksgiving, he told me he never lost his feelings for me and he wanted us to try again. Color me surprised; I didn't see this one coming from a mile away. I was hesitant at first, but he was so genuine and sweet about it, saying he wouldn't want to start something up if he thought it was going to end quickly or badly and he truly liked me and wanted to give it another chance.

I've dated my fair share of morons, so I'm slightly guarded with my emotions (can you really blame me?) but I gave in because honestly I don't think I ever lost my feelings for him either. The problem you ask? I think I love him but it's been two months. TWO MONTHS. I'm so absolutely terrified to tell him and rush things and I'm even more scared that it's going to slip out at such an awkward moment that it won't seem genuine. I've never said those three little words before (slight technicality) but it's the little things like him offering to take care of me when I got the stomach flu (which no one has ever done before), buying me a Christmas present when he was pretty much broke, and just all the little things that make me fall for him.

So now my slightly ridiculous question. Do I just go with my feelings, potentially scaring the crud out of him and possibly wrecking a good thing, or keep it in? See where things go and see if the feeling is still there in another couple of months? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance everyone! Love you! (I'm just practicing, just in case, sorry.)

– I'm Afraid It'll Slip, Boston

Q: I met this guy about a year ago. He was a new student at law school. We became friends, and soon our relationship became quite flirty and intimate, physically and emotionally. At the time, I wondered whether he was just fooling around because he had just broken up with his girlfriend.

A couple of months later, longer after their break up, we started hanging out more often, having pseudo-dates. We go out for food, go for long drives out of town, talk for hours, and have drinks. And whenever we go out, we act like a couple. We hold hands, hugs and kisses, get intimate, etc. He's been dropping hints, so I'm pretty sure he has feelings for me, too. Seems like a good love story, right? Problem is, we haven't really talked about us. And our "relationship" is not in the open -- although we don't really intend it to be a secret. (But it helps because his ex has been jealous of me since we became close friends and there are still issues about it, rumors going around and stuff.)

He is also hot and cold, and I wonder whether I am just a rebound girl or something. On the other hand, he's close to my friends and he knows my family and I've met his too -- but not in a mom-dad-I'd-like-you-to-meet-this-girl way, unfortunately.

I am really confused right now. I don't want to push the relationship or rush it, but it would really help to know where I stand or where we stand. I don't want to ask him outright because I might put him off. I'm scared to sound like I want to rush things. I am also shy and quite an introvert when it comes to talking about personal things and emotions. What sound I do? Should I just wait? Or should I keep my options open? Do you think he isn't really serious about this?

– Confused Wallflower, San Francisco

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been dating a man for just about two years now. He's sensitive and funny, great with kids, and absolutely stunning socially. He treats me right, he runs his own company, we communicate well, laugh a lot, and value each other's opinion. His family is stellar and they love me back. I'd like to know, though, other than cheating and substance abuse, what are the biggest breakups of marriages? Because my man and I are obviously on that path, and I worry that our issues are big ones.

For one, he can't leave a city that I can't stand. I came to the city we're in now for work, years ago, and as soon as we met we knew we had something really special so I've stayed, but the city is depressing to me and I miss the green and gratitude of the West Coast. I also love traveling. He can't move because his family is here and everyone is very close. His company is also here, and he can't leave it for more than a few weeks at a time.

Also, because of his work, hobbies, and family, I don't get the type of attention I crave. I grew up as a lone wolf, whereas he sees friends he's known since he was 8 every week. I'm used to being the center of a man's world, and although I don't *need* it, I do need to know I'm his priority.

And finally, there are financial issues. I grew up relatively well-off, traveling at least once a year. His profession isn't very lucrative.

Right now we are on a collision course for family -- we both want children, we love each other, and we're in our late-20s to early-30s. But with location, attention, and financial stress, will adding kids just push us over the edge? It's kinda the perfect time, but is this really just the perfect set up for disaster??

– Worried about marriage, Philadelphia

Q: I have been on and off with my boyfriend for about two years. He is beyond wonderful at times -- but he can also act as if he's not happy with his life at all.

I broke up with him because of that. My life wasn't going anywhere and I was beginning to feel stuck. The same night we broke up, I ran into an old friend that I used to text a lot. We kissed that night and I forgot all about my ex. This guy is amazing -- he has a great education, great family, great everything, and is so into me. He is so passionate.

We dated for about 6 months until my ex came back into the picture. I saw him at a few parties and I started to miss him. So I start texting him, sending him pics, etc. Eventually, I broke up with the new boyfriend and got back with my ex. The newer guy was heartbroken (I mean devastated) but I suddenly had no interest in him. I was all about my ex.

I'm still with my ex now but have also been texting my old fling. I am in desperate need of help. I love my ex and am so comfortable around him, but I love the second guy, too.

How do I choose? I've hurt these guys way too many times. I keep going back and forth between the two of them and I always get caught and never feel bad about it. I don't know what do to. Please, please help.

– Can't Choose, MA

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am currently single and have been for about three years now. I am 28 years old. I dated and lived with a great girl previously for about a year, but it didn't work out.

Back to why I am writing you. I am totally lost and hopeless in the dating arena. I have so many issues. I think I am attractive, in good shape, have a good job, and am very honest. But sometimes I think maybe I am trying to go out with girls who are too "attractive," at least based on my definition (not everyone agrees). When I say, OK, let me try someone who maybe I am not attracted to but could be good for me, I am totally not into it and end up feeling I wasted my time and hers. So that's one issue. Am I attracted to girls who are out of my league?

The more important issue is that while I actually do pretty well with getting dates and meeting women, I drive myself absolutely CRAZY with (1) when to call, (2) when to text, (3) when to meet, and (4) freaking out that maybe she doesn't like me and on and on and on. I self-destruct. I could go on an awesome first date but then smother the girl, texting the next day what a great time I had, asking her to go out again right after, and trying to contact her too much. One girl said that she got a sense of paranoia from me and that I could be insecure. Others say that I am too forward sometimes. I am just trying to be honest when they ask personal questions. I feel like it is more anxiety than anything! Friends always tell me to play it cool, but I totally can't. I already met a cute girl and asked for her number, but I am afraid I will screw it up again. I know others have much bigger problems, but I feel like a lot of my issues are what single guys and girls are often feeling -- when to call, what to do, etc. It feels like everything is magnified at the beginning so when being too careful, I actually mess it up. I probably sound desperate!

Please help ... I just want to meet someone and settle down. I am 28 and not getting younger!

– Totally Lost in NYC

Q: Meredith,

I am a divorced man in my early 30s. I met my wife when I was a young working professional right out of college. She was right out of high school at the time. We fell hard and fast for each other, but over time it was evident we had little in common, plus her family and friends didn't really like me. In total I was with my ex-wife for over 8 years.

Today I find it increasingly difficult to meet anyone, let alone date, find someone attractive, someone who wants the same things and not play games. Instead, I've been doing a ton of research on finding a wife from a 3rd world country. Old school matchmaking as they call it.

I understand it is not love. These foreign brides come from almost nothing, most are just trying to help pay off family debt. Sometimes these girls are simply forced into it ... as in human trafficking.

There are many cases where 3rd world brides are abused, murdered, and subject to deplorable conditions in their adopted homes. Many run away just to end up as prostitutes because of the language/cultural barrier.

I'm a big believer in helping the less fortunate. My intentions are to find a suitable wife, not to take advantage of someone in a desperate situation. Most relationships are based on love, but love alone can't sustain it. We often act out of blind love, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Instead, I'm looking for a relationship based on mutual respect and appreciation first.

I believe there are merits to this "arrangement." It is a different type of marriage/relationship but one that could last even longer. There are so many divorces today. Clearly the love was right at THAT moment (whenever it was), but wrong at THIS moment. I need a relationship that can sustain itself with or without love. I'm not a frog, have a successful career, only 30, tall, no physical handicaps. I'm perfectly capable of finding my match here. But nowadays nothing is for certain.

There are many types of "arrangements" today: one-night stands, hook ups, booty calls, friends with benefits, open relationships, etc. This one is just more old school, using matchmakers.

What do you think about going on a marriage tour?

– Third World Bride, Boston

Q: Hi,

I am in my early 30s and was, until a year ago, in a tumultuous 5-year relationship. Although we loved each other very much and got along well, my ex couldn't make up his mind about whether he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, whereas I was ready for a real commitment on his part after being together for 3 years. To be fair, he was in an unstable financial and career situation the whole time and felt he had nothing to offer. He had already tried to end the relationship a few times because even though I didn't make any demands on him, it was obvious I wanted something that he couldn't provide. He was just not mentally ready. But each time, our feelings pulled us back together.

We finally broke up last year when he decided it was unfair to keep me waiting until he made up his mind.

It took me a while to get over him, but two months ago I met a wonderful guy and we have developed strong feelings for each other. But after I announced to my ex that I had met someone, he called me back to tell me he loved me and was now sure he wanted to marry me and that he's ready to spend the rest of his life with me. It's been a few weeks and he is much more communicative (he couldn't say the words "I love you" before), loving and caring.

So here I am, not sure if I should give my ex another chance or try and figure out where this new relationship is headed. Both options feel risky. My ex hasn't made me happy in the past due to his emotional unavailability, but I have some doubts about my new boyfriend's ability to make me happy too. He had trouble getting over an ex until recently, he hasn't gone to grad school yet, which is usually a big strain on relationships and delays family and kids (and frankly, I don't want to experience grad school a second time), he has a busy life (friends, hobbies), and I feel as though I can be just another activity to schedule...

Meredith, I need your help. I need to either tell my new bf I cannot pursue this relationship or tell my ex I will not marry him. How do I figure out if it's worth pursuing this new relationship or if I can trust my ex and give him another chance?

– Which One?, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a successful, attractive, African-American female in my mid-20s who APPEARS to have everything going for me. I emphasize "appears" because people who know me believe I'm a young, vibrant, well-educated woman who has many opportunities awaiting her (and they are right). They think I don't stay up at night worried about anything.

And here is where they're wrong.

I have trouble dating and meeting men for a variety of reasons, but there are two that stick out most:

1. I have only been attracted to tall, attractive, white men. I'm talking about Tom Brady/Josh Duhamel/Paul Walker types. No one else. I have very good friends of all different cultural and racial backgrounds and I love them dearly, but as far as attraction goes, I'm only drawn to white males. I don't tell many people this because I'm afraid I'd be judged and looked down upon. But I only get that electric feeling with white men. [P.S. I'm working on breaking away from the pretty boy types I listed above because history has proven that the pretty ones are usually the dudes that break hearts.]

2. I'm still trying to get over a man I dated back in 2009 and 2010. I feel like he was the one that got away. I know it's been a while but it's like I can't completely get over him ... I just don't find that "spark" that I had with him with anyone else. He was so many things to me: smart, wicked attractive, educated, driven, funny, well-rounded, and his personality clicked well with mine. But he lived far away and it wasn't going to work. So I had to let him go. The icing on the cake is that I found out recently that this guy got married. Cue the water works. I was pretty hurt by it but he's been gone for so long, so it is what it is. The real downside is that I find myself only being attracted to men that resemble his physical features. Dark hair, brown eyes, tanned, beautiful.

The dating pool shrinks even more.

Anyway, I don't know what else to do. Men that meet me say they're surprised I'm single (probably because I love sports, action movies, and don't pay much attention to pop culture). I moved to Boston a year ago, so I don't have many friends that can play my wingman at bars or outings to meet guys. Going solo, I've tried extracurricular activities, going out, visiting bars...but I have this sinking feeling that I'm never going to meet someone that I'm wholeheartedly attracted to. I.JUST.FEEL.ALONE. Any advice?

– Living in a Black and White World, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have been dating this guy for about three months. Things appeared to be going great until a few weeks ago when he dropped an atomic bomb. He is moving to CA either March or April 1st. He still wants to see me up until he moves, and I want to see him. Problem is, I am really falling for him and am already upset. Not sure if I should just end it now and be heartbroken or enjoy our last couple of months until he moves away and risk a bigger heartbreak!

I thought about the possibility of a long-distance relationship however my last one ended badly and that was only one state away.

I am devastated! HELP!

– Not Sure What to Do, Wakefield

Q: Meredith,

After two years together, my boyfriend and I recently broke up. (I'm in my early-to-mid 20s.) I am having a hard time coping with the loss of a person I envisioned spending the rest of my life with. Our relationship began with love at first sight but took us two years to get up the nerve to ask each other out. We lived together for a year but because of a program for his job, he had to move back home with his parents (about 45 minutes away). He and I tried very hard to make time for each other but were both frustrated because so many other things kept coming up that limited our visits. This is the most serious relationship either of us has ever had.

The fight that led to our breakup happened a week before we graduated from our academic programs. He said that we are headed in different directions because he knows I want marriage and kids but he doesn't want those things right now (I am not ready to be a parent for at least another 3-4 years and am fine putting off marriage as long as I know he wants to be with me), but he doesn't seem to hear what I am saying. He said that he would rather break up now than later and brought up other what-ifs for the future, like where I will get a job next year. I did not want to fight about what-ifs and still don't, but once he made his decision he said that if we gave it a second chance until May that we would be "living a lie." He still says that he's in love with me but his continually telling me that this is for my own good is frustrating. I know that we obviously need space right now but I would like us to revisit these issues once the job situation is settled here in a few months.

I don't know how to get around this. We still hang out, but because I am so deeply hurt by this, our conversations eventually end up with me asking for reiteration of his reasons (because I don't understand how the what-ifs years down the road can lead to the breakup of a fantastic, loving two-year relationship), and me telling him how hurt and confused I am. I have also been dealing with feelings of being worthless because I feel as though he feels our relationship is not worth working on and I am deeply hurt by what I perceive as his refusal to fight for me or our relationship.

I don't know what to do, so any advice would be helpful.

– Lost and Confused, CO.

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have been with my boyfriend on and off for almost five years. There are ways that we are so much in tune with each other -- intellectually, politically, and physically -- but the connection that I think is most important, our emotional connection, remains elusive. From what he's told me, his dad was emotionally abusive and his mother, who wasn't emotionally expressive herself, just went along with things. Often, when we have problems, he'll say it reminds him of something with his dad. I feel like our relationship has three people in it.

He is seeing a therapist but things don't seem to be changing. We've split up several times because we cannot communicate. When I try to bring up a problem to discuss and try to work through it, he immediately goes on the defensive because he says it seems like an attack to him no matter how calmly and gently I speak. I know his father resented him and showed it clearly in almost all their interactions, but I'm not his dad and we are both middle-aged. Could this ever change?

– Three's Not Company, NJ

Q: Hi Meredith,

I broke up with my boyfriend last summer. We had been together for a year and a half and had lived together for a few months. I was going through a very difficult time while we lived together. (I lost my business, my money, a family member, etc.) I could barely afford to take the T to my part-time job. He might say otherwise, but what happened is that he gave up on me, checked out of us, and started hanging out with another woman behind my back. There were dates, texts of adoration, the whole deal. I moved out, found a place, found a job, and started to feel good again. My summer was full of introspection and tears, but I got to a point where I was done putting energy into being angry with him.

We met up to talk and we hashed it out. We met up a few more times and we became less of two people who used to date, and more like two people who were friendly and actually enjoyed a laugh. Fast forward to now. We've been talking, texting, and have seen each other a number of times, and yes, I never thought I'd do it, but we became physical.
I thought I could do the casual thing, but he gets drunk and texts/calls and says things like "I'm so in love with you," "I miss you," "I had a hard day and want to hear your voice," and I just can't hear that as someone whose heart was broken by him, you know? So, I finally gathered the strength to say, I can't do this. We're not together, nor are we moving toward that. We're exes and I need distance in order to really move on and be open to a new guy who won't give up on me.

I really enjoyed being friendly with him and I do care about him as a person, but it was just too hard. I think it was right, but I miss him. I miss hearing from him and I'm doing this thing in my head where I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else. Oh, one other important piece of information: he was my first real boyfriend (I'm in my late 20s). I had had other "situations" in the past, but never called anyone my boyfriend, nor was I considered anyone's girlfriend. Is that why I'm having such a hard time?

I also think that this all happened because it gave me back the control. It's essentially what I should've done in the spring when he started checking out of our relationship, but at the time, I was so stressed out and in the dumps that losing something else was too much for me to consider. I did the right thing, right?

– So Confused, Boston

Q: Hey Meredith,

I love my boyfriend but I don't know if we are compatible. We're in our mid-late 20s, each other's first serious relationship, and he means so much to me and takes such good care of me. He's sweet and cuddly and funny. We've been together a year and a half, part of which we were long distance. However, I can't figure out if there are real problems or if I have found someone awesome who loves me like crazy who I need to accept as is.

Specifically, I am not sure about his drinking. I don't think I drink much -- maybe a glass of wine at dinner on a weekend or a beer or two at a party tops. He's a big sports-watching, likes-to-have-a-drink-or-two-to-relax at night kind of guy. At a social event he'll drink a lot -- I've seen him binge drink in a social setting two or three times. Also, I recently saw a half empty bottle of vodka in his cabinet and it freaked me out because I think that's a lot to drink. I don't think he's had it for more than two to three weeks and he's the only one who could have consumed it. Based on his family history and things he's told me about himself and his past, I think he has addictive tendencies, though I don't think he's an alcoholic now.

I know that I have addictive tendencies myself, and I have family members with alcoholism. I am careful never to have more than a glass once in a while because I know my limits and I'm not going to tempt fate. I've also talked to professionals about these issues. I do not want an alcoholic in my life, or as my partner. My boyfriend and I have talked about my concerns and he reassures me that he is in control of his drinking. I believe him and I'm sure he could let it go if he needed to, but he doesn't. I have doubts, but I don't think it's my place and I don't want to nag him to stop drinking either.

There's added pressure to figure this out because we're both about to finish grad school and we'll need to figure out where we're going next career-wise and location-wise. We're at a point in our relationship where he wants to think about maybe moving in together and to think about marriage. I feel like it's rushed and that I still need to take care of my career and explore and live in new places. (I've told him as much.) We're on separate pages.

Are these drinking behaviors a "guy" thing? Am I being oversensitive about his drinking? Does it matter? Will it matter in the future? Are we just not compatible?

– Lost in Lynn

Q: Meredith,

I just recently separated from my wife of 15 years. Totally my fault. I was not totally happy in my marriage so I had an affair. Not the right thing to do, but can't change the past. I know that it will be a tough road ahead, but I made my bed and now I am lying in it.

Here is my dilemma. My high school sweetheart, who was also married, is also in the process of a divorce. We have started chatting again -- nothing serious -- but talking/texting/emailing. I told her that I did still have feelings for her after all these years. It was a great relationship, but it ended quickly when I went off to college. She agreed that there was unfinished business, but she did not want to be the reason that I got divorced.

Since I moved out, I have asked her out a few times but something always comes up. I am thinking I may be too sensitive? Maybe she does not want to go out, maybe she does -- but why does she not have the same time table I do? Am I crazy for being so sensitive? Every time I decide that I am not going to contact her, she calls or text me!

When we dated in high school she had seen a movie, Mr. Destiny. The theme of the movie is: "Would you give up everything you have ever had for everything you ever wanted?" At the time I said no, because she was what I had, but now is she everything I ever wanted?

Help?

– Mr. Destiny, Central Mass.

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm not usually one to write into a blog, though I've been a semi-frequent reader of yours over the years. I'm writing today because there is this great woman, "Kay," I've known since my first day of college. She is drop-dead gorgeous and also has the sort of sparkling personality that catches your attention pretty quickly. Throughout many years of school (we were in a medical program) we became very close friends but never seemed to be single at the same time. One night, when we were briefly single, she even broached the subject of friends with benefits, but I said I didn't like the idea because I don't think I could do FWB without developing feelings for the person eventually (the discussion was in the abstract but it was clear to me where it would have gone).

We graduated and now live a plane trip away from each other. We have stayed in contact and I finally made a trip to visit her a few weeks ago. We had a grand time just talking about life and our hopes and dreams and how we both feel adrift at this point in our life even though we both have the satisfying jobs we want. We are both happy but want something more. We are both truly single, simultaneously, for the first time since we have met and over the course of my trip I started thinking that she may also have feelings for me too. She even suggested that we would share a bed, adding that "nothing sexual would happen." I declined, thinking I wouldn't be able to hold back from trying something, though in hindsight I'm wondering if she was doing it to just try and get me into bed with her without scaring me off. (Side question: How many people sleep with a person they are attracted to without any sexual thoughts going through their head?)

Luckily, it appears that she'll be coming to New England in a few months. I am dying to tell her how I feel. I almost told her several times when I went to visit her but fear of losing her as a friend kept me from doing it.

After reflecting on it for a while, I don't know if I can keep her as a friend knowing how strong my feelings are and how much stronger they became when I went to visit her. Every person I've talked to says I should just tell her. She's even met my parents and they are completely baffled as to why I haven't pursed her openly yet. So my problem is this: Why am I more petrified than a mosquito in amber? The bigger question is that I have no idea how to start the conversation with her. What do I say to start? I feel like if I could just get the first few lines out the right way everything will work out.

– Can't Just Do It, New England

Q: Dear Meredith,

I've been dating a very kind, sensitive and thoughtful man, "James," for nearly 8 months now. We have fun when we're together, he treats me better than any man I have ever been with, and at 23 it’s the longest "relationship" this Miss Independent has ever been in.

The problem is, despite all of the wonderful qualities this man has, I can't seem to fully commit to him. Originally I was telling myself it was a matter of distance -- he lives 2 hours away (by car) -- though he travels to see me whenever he can (2 to 3 times a month) and we talk every day. From the time we started dating, I continued to see other people here in Boston, thinking that James and I were just going to keep it casual considering the distance. About 5 months after we met, James invited me to a big event with him and shortly thereafter mentioned wanting to organize a weekend getaway so that I could meet his parents. I responded noncommittally and about a week later broke things off with James over the phone. Always a bit of a self-proclaimed commitment-phobe, I reasoned with myself that it was for the best considering I wanted to keep my options open with him living hours away, and would probably end up hurting him more if we continued seeing each other.

After a few weeks of not speaking, I found myself out and about on dates with different men, but continuing to think about James and missing him a lot. He got in touch this fall to mention that he was coming to Boston and I went out to meet him at the bar as a "friendly" gesture. This of course led to more and we have resumed seeing each other since then, at a similar rate of 2-3 times a month.

We haven't had the talk again yet, but I know that James would like to be exclusive. It seems like I've gone through every excuse in the book to keep things casual. Though the distance is unfortunate, we've been making it work with regular visits, and so I don't think that that’s actually the problem. Then I thought that I may just like getting the attention from this very caring man -- but I don't have much trouble attracting male attention and dates outside of my relationship with James. Finally, I considered the option that I'm just not that into James, but after 8 months of dating and not being able to keep away from him, I don't think that’s the issue either. So what’s my problem? Is it because I've never been in a serious relationship? Is there an actual thing as a completely commitment-phobic woman?

– Still "Single" in Somerville

Q: Hi Meredith,

You've probably heard this story before, someone having trouble getting over an ex especially around the holidays. My ex and I dated for a year and things were OK but we would have the same argument every month. I thought she had anxiety issues and suggested counseling, which she's done before, but she thought I just didn't want to deal with her emotions (which was also sometimes true).

We dated for a year and then stayed friends for a long time after that. For the first couple of months we were friends with benefits, but I stopped that because I was afraid I was leading her on. Just before our last FWB encounter she told me she "would always love me as a friend" and that's why I shouldn't feel guilty. I took that very seriously since I don't make friends easily and we were really close. I considered her my best friend even after we stopped having sex. But I always knew she wanted to get back together.

Fast forward to about three months ago. I knew she was dating but she finally got serious with another guy. I, being an idiot who has trouble reading my own emotions, didn't deal well with it and told her I thought I still had feelings for her. She told me that we needed time apart to help me get over her. I've been in this situation before and "some time apart" turns into "I'll never speak to you again." And this was a week after I helped her move.

Since then I've seen pictures of her and her new bf -- her taking him to meet her family and going on vacations with him (I consider that pretty quick, but my opinion doesn't matter). I defriended her and all of her friends on FB because I can't handle seeing updates with her and her BF without getting incredibly hurt. I've sent her an email for Christmas just wishing her the best but I doubt she'll respond.

I understand through therapy and friends that I can't control her actions and that she's an ex, etc.. I've also been told that since she won't talk back to me that's a sign she still feels something too, but I'm trying not to read into her emotions. But I've always felt that because we were friends and especially because she said she would always love me as a friend that I'm particularly hurt (even though I know people say things they mean at the time but won't follow through with). I've been dating someone else and I'm not even sure I'd want to date my ex again. There's just this huge amount of hurt that I haven't been able to get rid of. And the uncertainty of knowing if we'll ever even talk to each other again makes it hard for me to move on properly.

Am I being unreasonable? Do I just need more time? And is there anything I can do to help this situation?

– Home Alone, Cambridge

Q: Meredith,

I'm hoping you and your readers can help me out. I was introduced to this girl, let's call her Emily, several months ago through one of my good friends, but not in an effort to set us up. What I've come to realize is that I like this girl. There is of course a complication -- I've suspected that she was dating someone else, "Jim."

Emily met Jim when they were freshman in college and they dated a while. Jim went abroad, and while he was gone, he and Emily broke up because she met someone else. She and that guy ended their relationship earlier this year. Everyone is now graduated and Emily and Jim have been spending a decent amount of time together. According to my friend, they started officially dating again two days ago.

The friend who introduced us has suggested that I tell Emily how I feel anyway. So now I need to decide whether I say anything to Emily about how I feel and let her know that there is someone other than Jim out there -- or say nothing.

Worth mentioning is that Jim is a jerk to people quite often, especially to Emily, and other people beside me notice this as well.

Part of me wants to tell her now because I have a habit of becoming friends with girls I like and getting stuck in the friend zone and I don't want this to happen with Emily. But another part of me says sit back and see what happens. I'm just tired of being too cautious around people and missing out on something good, but don't want to screw up by doing something stupid. Please help.

– Looking for Some Guidance, Western Mass.

Q: Hey Meredith,

I have something that's been on my mind for a little while and need your advice on how to deal with it.

I used to work with this guy, "Dave." When we worked together we got along great and I ended up having pretty strong feelings for him toward the end of my stay there. I never knew if he felt the same way but there was constant flirting between the both of us.

On my last day all my coworkers went out together and Dave came out too. We were inseparable the entire night and everyone was noticing. At one point he turned to his friend and said, while looking at me, "I hate how much I love this girl." I felt like that was it -- that we definitely have feelings for each other.

Fast forward a couple of months and I haven't heard a word from him. There were a couple of texts that I initiated, but that was it. I can't figure out what happened. Was he just being funny? Did he really "love" me? I'm so confused! I think about that night and him and still remain confused.

What should I do? I get the urge to text him or call him and just ask why he hasn't talked to me or why he said what he said. Then I think that I should just let it go. If he really liked me he would have followed up. But I need closure because I feel like he might be waiting for me to make the move!

– Never know when to let go, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have recently ended a relationship with a wonderful guy. Let's call him Mr. Green. He was my stab at "green dating" (the recycling of ex-boyfriends) after my marriage of 15 years ended. Mr. G contacted me out of the blue via Facebook almost a year after my breakup and we reconnected there. We have spent the past 2+ years in a relationship that I knew was doomed from the start.

I was honest with him from the get-go. I am not interested in ever being married again or even living with another man. I enjoyed his company, he was great with my kids, but the same issues we had 20+years ago were still valid. We are just ultimately not compatible. He has never been married and has his own emotional issues. He's a wonderfully sensitive guy and I love him very much but love isn't enough.

I ended the relationship last year but accepted a friendship with him. It was infrequent visits at first but then it became a monthly thing. We became friends with benefits and I felt like we were back in the thick of it again. I wasn't feeling compelled to go out there and meet others, nor was he.

One of our major differences is that I am demonstrative of my feelings and he lives in an emotional straight jacket. I get why, but it doesn't make me want to stay with him. I have now ended it for good and this time there will be no "friendship." I still care for him, I am still alone and he is too. Seeing each other will end up only one way. It’s unproductive for both our lives.

He is hurt that I won't be his friend. He says it's unprogressive of me, someone who prides herself on being a liberal-minded person. Am I wrong to not try to just be his friend? Can lovers really be friends after such intimacy? More than the proverbial innocuous holiday email that some exes can share, I don't believe you can just be friends without that tension or those old feelings coming up. Maybe I just wear my feelings too outwardly? Maybe I should restrain my feelings like him. Or maybe we just can't be friends. What do you think?

– Green Dater, Boston

Q: I'm in my mid-20s and I recently ended my relationship with my girlfriend of six years. We lived together for several years but I recently moved to another state for work. There were problems outside of distance. I felt like I carried the entire relationship.

I'm ashamed to admit that before we broke up I cheated. My work sent me to another city (4 hours a way) for the month and I met someone who was also in a long relationship. We just clicked instantly and I've never had that sensation before. It started out as something physical, but it very quickly became something more. She told me she loved me and I said the same back. She said she's never felt this way about someone and that I taught her what it means to truly be in love. She said that I am the first person who's made her feel like part of a team and that I'm the first person she's ever liked cuddling with. We became very emotionally attached. I left town and we continued talking on the phone and texting daily. She even came up to visit and said she saw us having a future together.

I realized I needed to break up with my girlfriend -- I had been with the other woman for a month and my relationship was clearly over. The day before I was going to break up, this other woman phoned and said she was pregnant. She decided to end the pregnancy (a decision I agreed with) and I put my feelings aside to help her in any way I could. We still talked about how much we loved and cared for each other even while dealing with the pregnancy.

When this happened we both ended our respected relationships. It was difficult and she had a hard time dealing with the infidelity on her part. We talked a bit about what was going to happen next with us and she was confused and said she needed time but that she loved me so much. A week after the abortion she called and said that we shouldn't talk and that we both needed to move on. She said that I only reminded her of what happened and what we had before meant nothing. She said I have honestly never felt this way about anyone before, but all I represented was the abortion.

I am having such a hard time accepting this. I am really confused that over the course of two weeks I could go from the love of someone's life to meaning absolutely nothing to them. The pregnancy and the abortion were hard on me and I will never know what it must have been like for her, but I still love this person dearly and still see a future with her. I don't want to just jump into another relationship, but I feel like I shared a lot (albeit briefly) with this other woman and wish we could communicate and work through this. I don't know why she just completely gave up on me and wants me totally out of her life.

– Sorry for the long letter, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

Almost a year ago, the man I lived with for many years passed away tragically. During the last few years that we shared a bed together, we were more like best friends sleeping side by side, having no sexual contact besides hugs and cuddling. We were best friends, however, and every part of the life we lived was together. We were extremely close with each other's families and friends, and I received an overwhelming amount of support after his passing, and still do.

One friend in particular has been an ongoing and consistent source of peace of mind for me. He has talked me out of some of my worst thoughts and lowest points, simultaneously managing to bring back happiness. Our friendship eventually escalated and we became physical. We have a mutual friend who is aware and supportive, but other than that no one else knows. We spend a few nights a week together and I find myself counting down the days until our next date.

Originally we had both decided that it would be best if no one else knew of our situation. On my end, I didn't want to hurt my late partner's family members who might not think enough time had passed. Meanwhile, he worries about what his friends will think. As we approach a new year and my early 30s seem to be flying by, I am beginning to want more out of this and have started dropping hints. I had avoided the sit down conversation until now because I have been so happy with our situation and didn't want to change the dynamics. Despite my hints, he has demonstrated that he is more comfortable keeping us under wraps.

I am challenged with the idea that as long as we stay under wraps, he is able to avoid a commitment, although he has openly said that he is not dating or sleeping with anyone else. At this point, do you think it is healthier for us to just break ties? I wouldn't betray his trust and let it slip out to our group of friends, yet I don’t want to end up in another unconventional relationship. What do you think?

– Going With the Flow, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

While my current relationship is storybook, it is this past one that almost three years later sometimes keeps me up at night.

My ex, "Sam," was my high-school sweetheart. We dated for five years without many of the hiccups that are usually associated with young love. We did not attend the same college but both made an equal effort to see each other every weekend. Sam and I enjoyed sharing our time with our families and many mutual friends. We survived the stresses of college and entered our professional lives together.

And just like that, the relationship abruptly ended ... in a text message. The reason? Undisclosed. I begged for an explanation (quite pathetically, in fact), but all Sam could gather was that he had a feeling that he needed to be alone. At my request we met up one week later for the sorriest excuse for a discussion that I have ever been privy to. Sam was cold -- clearly uncomfortable, effectively mute -- and yet somehow trying to convince me that I would always be part of his life. He still offered no explanation for his decision but repeatedly told me that we would "talk soon." That was the last time we spoke.

Sam immediately took affirmative steps to erase me from his life, ranging from disengaging with our mutual friends to cleansing his Facebook account of any connections to me, however distant. People I believed were my friends did the same. My heart broke in more ways than one. I cannot put to words exactly how I felt, but a near lethal combination of devastated and disrespected conveys the start of it. If you guessed that this situation reeks of another woman, you'd be right. As time always tells, the reason turned out to be someone new. Sam and this new crush of his launched straight into a relationship. To quote my mother, that is neither here nor there and frankly, I felt relieved to finally have a reason.

I suffered through the heartbreak and then the anger, re-established my sense of self, and moved on. Moved on with baggage that is. I still want the discussion that I still feel that I deserve. Sam never apologized for his actions beyond the "sry" that I received in the initial break-up text. Since Sam's great disappearing act, he slowly began to reappear through mutual friends -- inquiring about me whenever the situation presented itself (to, as I'm told, the new girl’s visible dismay), stating that he thinks about me often, and even claiming that it is "shame" that we cannot be friends. As we have gotten older and friends have moved, these situations are few and far between. Beyond a lousy Facebook friend request that I promptly rejected, Sam has never reached out to me directly -- but infrequently posts on my friends' Facebook profiles just to wish them well or comment on something seemingly random. I have never reached out to him or any of our ex-mutual friends. Once Sam made it clear that he intended to erase me from his life, I promised myself that I would do just that. I just can’t shake the fact that I want to speak with Sam, at least one last time. I don't want an enduring friendship, but I want to be civil. I don't want to feel like Sam is taboo. Do I break my long-kept promise? Do I continue to wait? I often believe that I have accepted the fact that we will never speak again but ever so suddenly, my desire to contact him rouses. Help!

– Once and for All, Hartford

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am a lurker who is finally compelled to write in after yet another conversation surrounding gift giving or lack thereof….

I have been dating my boyfriend for a few years. We are both in our mid-20s and see a future together. It is definitely a serious relationship with basically no drama other than the occasional, typical disagreements.

One thing that really irks me, especially around gift-giving season, is that he won't give me jewelry. He asks directly what I would like, but says "no" when I say that I would really like jewelry. (I didn't even ask until 2 years into it when I realized that he clearly wasn't planning on it.) It is not because of the cost because apparently he has no problem buying me other expensive gifts (I don't ask for them, he just gives) but he flat out refuses. He will not give an answer as to why. His response is "I don't give jewelry." Nothing more. I realize this might sound materialistic, but if it's something that means so much to me, why it is different than the other things he gives me? I am not asking for anything expensive. It could be $25 or $10,000, I don’t care. It's just something that would make me happy and feel special (you all know what I mean). He will not give a reason other than "I don't give jewelry." I'm not asking for an engagement ring. Is it me or is this weird? I like to get him exactly what I know will make him happy. Is his stubbornness selfish or is it me?

– More Than Annoyed in Massachusetts

Q: Meredith, I need advice.

Background: Years ago, I was in a FWB relationship with Miss X. We met in college and were off/on for about a year. I never really made the push for a proper relationship. During one of our "off seasons" she got a boyfriend. We remained friends but I had decided I wanted a relationship with her. I was basically waiting for them to break up.

Once they did, our FWB thing continued, but I made my intentions known. She said she wasn't ready to get into another relationship, so I told her I'd wait. I then backed off and we didn't hang out as often.

A few months later we were at a club with a group of friends and she starts dancing with some guy, then kisses him, then leaves with him ... right in front of me. I was very upset and didn't talk to her for months. They wound up dating for a few years.

We talked months later. Apparently, she took my backing off as a loss of interest. (I didn’t believe that.) She knew I was interested, but I now think she has issues with needing attention from men. So the space I gave her probably drove her to seek attention elsewhere.

Her relationship with that guy ended badly. She moved out of state for a while and we hadn't kept in touch. I eventually met someone else ... Miss Y. She's great, and loves me to death. Been together 2 years.

Now: During my current relationship with Miss Y, I still carried around my anger for Miss X for a while. Recently I've accepted some responsibility for my role in the debacle. I didn't put up a fight for Miss X, and I honestly think it would have made a difference. Instead I just turned away and gave up. My anger with her has become regret for my own lack of action.

So Miss X is back in town and single. We wound up at a mutual friend's house and talked. She confessed how terrible she has always felt about what she did to me, and she wants to be friends. I told her this is difficult for me because I still have this regret, and my feelings for her still exist. She said she has feelings for me too. So which is it that she wants?

The truth is, I haven't been very happy with Miss Y for a while, so this makes me think even more about a potential reunion with Miss X. I don't know if Miss X wants just friendship, or if she's trying to give me the chance I never got before. Or maybe she's just single, unhappy, and looking for that male attention again.

I have no intention of being unfaithful to Miss Y, but I'm very tempted to find out where things could go with Miss X ... which I realize is a risk given her track record. I just can't help the physical attraction and feelings I still have for her. I still wonder ... what if? I'm not sure if I can let that go.

Do I see what Miss X wants, or try to make things better with Miss Y?

– Mr. Z

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have been dating my boyfriend for a few years now and the topic of moving in together has finally come up. A little bit of background: I come from a very strict upbringing in which you only live with a man once you are married and there are no such things as "boyfriends" until you are engaged. I am also very close with my family and consider myself the Mother Theresa of the group -- helping everyone whenever they are in need, no matter what. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is very close with his family but knows how to put himself first. His mother doesn't object to us living together.

At first I was happy with the thought of moving in together and we both agreed we would -- we even lived together over the summer in a vacation house as a trial. Everything was fine. The conversation about moving into a new place directly from the vacation house came up, but I wanted to move home for a while to be close to my parents (I have been living at home all my life and this is a very big deal for me, especially since I know my mother will refuse to visit me if I live with my boyfriend). My upbringing was also on my mind; I really felt like I did not want to move in with someone until I was married or at least engaged. I have a fear that we would be playing house with no commitment, and statistics show there is a higher divorce rate in couples that live together before marriage. I expressed my feelings to my boyfriend, which were opposite of my original feelings of wanting to move in. He said that he wanted to live together before getting married and there was no question in his mind about it. He also said I hurt him because he felt like I put him behind my family (this has been a continuous battle) and he became bitter at me for not moving in.

I do not want to keep giving my boyfriend high hopes and then yanking his heart out. I understand why he feels I put him second. He believes that if we live together he will no longer have this feeling because we will see each other more often.

Now I am stuck. Why am I second guessing my thought process? Do I really want to be married that bad, and if so, why so sudden? In the past year, I was totally against marriage due to the many divorces happening around me. I thought about it, and if he were to ask me to marry him, I would be ready to move in a heartbeat. My problem now is I don't want to move in because I feel as if I am being forced in order to save our relationship. But I am scared that if I don't move in, he will continue to be bitter at me and we will eventually break up. Please help!

Thank you,

– Move in?, Out of State

Q: Meredith,

I have never done something like this but I feel lost. I broke up with my boyfriend of a few years a little while ago. We both still love each other but we couldn't manage to make a relationship function. We both have very different personalities and struggled with communication since the very start. It was a mutual break up; we both realized that the relationship was not what we wanted. We want to stay friends in the long run.

I have come to terms with the fact that we were not working as a couple and it was both our faults. The issue is something deeper though. I still have guilt because of my actions in the relationship.

When we first started dating, I cheated on my boyfriend while extremely drunk. My friends had to tell me it happened because I didn't remember a thing. I have never felt so horrible and disgusted with myself. I told my boyfriend, and he forgave me, and I thought we had moved on.

Fast-forward a year and I spent a semester abroad in a different country. I still had problems controlling my drinking, and again I found myself cheating on my boyfriend while drunk. I couldn't believe myself and felt incredibly guilty. I still do. Since then I have gained control of my drinking, and I have been focused on improving myself.

The thing is that I never told my boyfriend (or I guess now ex) that I cheated on him while abroad. I feel like since then I have become a different, more controlled, and more loyal person. I almost feel like it wasn't me who cheated, but my evil twin. I do eventually want to get back together with him once we work out our differences, but I can't handle the guilt that I have for cheating on him. I struggle to sleep at night and I feel like I need to tell him. I don't know if this is the right approach at all or if I should just let it be. HELP!!!

– Cheating Chick, Chicago

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been in and out of relationships for the majority of my life. Although I have had a few successful stints with women, I ALWAYS find a flaw in my partner. It is a real problem for me.

It all started in college when I would ask a girl out for the first time. I would always have certain girls I was very attracted to and would do anything to date. However, when they showed interest in me, I suddenly found them less attractive. I have asked my friends and it makes no sense why this would happen to me. I am definitely attracted to women; I just constantly struggle to stay attracted to a woman for more than a month or two.

I find ridiculous flaws like their chin, their eyes, their figure, teeth and other miniscule things. Women who other men find attractive I eventually find a miniscule flaw with. The crazy thing is that I notice my flaws just as much. (I inherited terrible posture from my father.) I know that no one is perfect on the outside.

My most recent relationship was with "Taylor." She was attractive and all my friends reassured me. However, her chin was abnormally large and I couldn't help but consistently notice it. She also bit her nails. I realize these are two small flaws but for some reason they bothered me way too much to stay with her.

I really would like some advice on this, Meredith, because I am no longer as young as I used to be and want to find someone perfect for me, but I realize I have to reduce my definition of perfect. Please help me on how this could happen.

I appreciate your help,

– MT, Winthrop

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a 30-year-old woman who has been married before. My ex-husband was obsessed with video games and basically chose to play them instead of spending any time with me. A few years ago I finally got a divorce and left the situation.

After going on dates here and there, I eventually met my current boyfriend, "Jay," through mutual friends and I felt instantly attracted to him. We started dating and have been together for over two years now. Things have been up and down. We've briefly split up a few times, but things have been great lately and I love him more than anything.

Here comes the problem: We both struggle with depression. Mine is seasonal, while his is sporadic and seems to be more severe. He tends to go through fits of depression where he will sleep all the time. Lately he's been sleeping or playing video games instead of wanting to spend time with me. The problem is that he doesn't realize that it's as bad as it is. When I've gotten upset and said that I feel like I haven't spent much time with him, he thinks I'm being over-dramatic. The other problem is that he hasn't been as attracted to me as he was just a few months ago. He says it's just because he's depressed, but yesterday he said that it's because he's bored with me and doesn't feel like being physical. I asked him if it would always be this way -- because I can't live like that ... so now I'm at an impasse.

At what point does me being understanding and wanting to wait it out through this fit of depression turn into me being a doormat and letting him walk all over me? It's genuinely wearing on me and now I am feeling depressed as well. I love him more than anything and always want to be with him in the future, but is there a future if he doesn't even want to sleep with me anymore?

– Beyond Depressed, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

Daily reader. Love you and the commenters. Just a little lost at the moment and was hoping you all could point me in a direction ... any direction.

I'm a smart, attractive (at least *I* think so), almost-30-year-old gal who hasn't had the most luck in love. I've been single for the past year and half (healing from an ugly break-up: destroyed my self-esteem, etc.). I tried online dating over the summer and after a string of film-worthy nightmare dates, decided against really trying to find love. I should clarify: I'm in the midst of applying to return to school next fall (nowhere in Mass.), and I felt I should probably focus more on that.

Of late an old boyfriend from half a decade ago (let's call him Ike) has re-surfaced. Ike is 6 years my senior and extremely charming. We shared a brief, volatile few months together years ago. But we're very, very different. He's immature, very wealthy, and has had a lot handed to him. I have always worked really hard for every position I've ever had, and part of our volatility simply came from this fundamental difference.

Anyway, every year or so, back comes Ike. Charming as ever and throwing all sorts of inappropriate comments at me about how he's thought about me so much over the years, how I'm one of the most intelligent, opinionated, strong people he's ever met, and how he wants to be "in my life in some way." Yet he often flakes if we make plans, typically initiated by me in the first place. He's evasive and resistant to any real connection. Each time he's done this I’ve told him (diplomatically, of course) to [expletive] off. I've explained that I don't like, nor do I wish to engage in superficial relationships with anyone, much less an ex I have such a strange history with. The most recent occurrence of this was just a few months ago over the summer. Usually after I tell him to leave me alone, he does so. For awhile at least. Yet he just popped back up last week and acted completely surprised by my wariness. And in that conversation it also came up that he'd ended a relationship over the summer -- a relationship he never bothered to mention when he reappeared in June (Shocking. No wonder you contacted me ...).

Meredith, help. I'm in this strange limbo where I'm just really frustrated and lonely and trying to be satisfied with a future that still seems so far away. So I can feel myself drawn to the attention from Ike. But I know at the end of the day, I can't and shouldn't trust this person's intentions (whatever they might be). Any suggestions what to do?

– Lost!, Somerville

Q: I have spent the last year in the world's longest-distance relationship; the door-to-door trip is over 24 hours. "Rob" and I have known and taken vacations with each another for several years prior to engaging in the LDR. Rob is in his mid-40s, I am in my mid-30s, and we are both divorced with no children.

We are ready to take the relationship to the next level; we plan to move in together in the same city (the location is yet to be determined) with the intent of marrying if all goes well. We are both fortunate enough to have careers that, with some financial sacrifice, would allow us to work from anywhere. The question is whether we have enough of a foundation to take this next step. He is low-maintenance, kind, affectionate, witty, and intelligent. I can be a prima donna -- but I'm also fiercely fun-loving.

I am also more educated than he is. I hold a PhD while he did not finish his undergraduate degree. Although he is not ambitious (I am), he earns a high salary (mine is a bit lower) due to danger pay and has managed to put away a substantial nest egg (I have no assets). Any move would halve his salary.

Is it possible to plan a future with someone whose educational attainment is so far below mine and whose income, after the move, would be as unremarkable as his job? I love this man, but I worry that someone more articulate with a shinier career could pull me away.

– Not in Boston, Europe

Q: Dear Meredith,

I work with this guy who is fairly new to the office. I have taken an interest in him and it would appear that he has an interest in me as well. He was very shy at first (most people in the office think he is shy), however I don't find him to be shy at all. Every time I walk by him he starts acting like a five year old ... throwing stuff at me, etc. A number of mutual friends and co-workers have questioned him about his interest in me and have flat out asked why he hasn't asked me out yet or made a move. His response is always, "I don't want to date or be romantic with someone I work with but she is really cute and cool."

I'm very inexperienced with dating. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself when it comes to guys, strictly because I am not ever approached or asked out. I am not saying that I am head over heels in love with this guy, but I am very comfortable around him and I have a great time when he is around. This is someone I am very interested in getting to know better to see if there really is something there.

So, my question: Is this something I can change his mind about? If so, how do I go about it without making things awkward? And if he really isn't interested why does he go out of his way to talk to me, acknowledge me, and be a constant flirt? (Please keep in mind that he does not act like this around anyone else in the office.)

– Is He Interested?, Boston

Q: Hi,

John and Sara are both great people who have been my friends for a long time, though I am closer to her. We are all in our early 30s. Sara is someone I met in my 20s and John and I grew up together. They met through me and dated for a few years almost a decade ago. I was thrilled to have two great friends fall in love but they had a messy breakup and haven't spoken in years.

Fast forward to now. Sara is still pretty sensitive about the relationship but has since moved on and is with a wonderful man she will spend the rest of her life with. John and I both find ourselves single and have realized we have a mutual attraction; we recently shared a passionate kiss that surprised both of us.

We've always been friends but perhaps there is something more. He has all the qualities I am looking for in a life partner. John invited me to spend a weekend away with him to try to find out if there could be more to our friendship that we've been missing all these years. I would love to explore this but if we did end up in a relationship, I know Sara would feel betrayed and it would definitely not be OK with her. But maybe over time she could come to accept it. Her current relationship is amazing but John will always hold a strong place in her heart.

Should I keep my distance from John and keep things on the casual friend level like they've always been? Or keep an open mind, explore things with him to see if there's even some possibility for more first, before worrying about the rest and Sara?

– Once a friend's boyfriend always a friend's boyfriend?, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I've been dating a great guy for a few years. He's smart, has a good job, is handsome, etc. People who know him think he's a "good catch."

We've begun to talk about marriage but one thing bothers me: I worry that he's not "manly" enough.

What I mean is that often times I feel like I'm the one in the relationship who does the things a guy should do. I hate to sound stereotypical, but let me give you a few examples:

Recently, we were at the movies. The theater was packed. The person sitting next to us kept interrupting and making noise throughout the movie. After not getting the body language cues I was sending, I asked the woman to be quiet.

During the recent snow storm, our neighbor, an elderly person, was outside shoveling snow. My boyfriend said he was sick and went to bed. I went out and helped instead.

I got a flat tire. We called AAA and waited. In the meantime, an old man had stopped to help. He insisted on helping us change the tire. My boyfriend stood by and watched. When I asked him about it later, his response was: "He didn't have to do it."

He can't fix anything in the condo and thinks nothing of calling the repairman to close a stuck window or change a light bulb that broke in the socket. I feel like it's a waste of money.

I know I must sound like some woman out of the 50s, but what I want to know is that my potential husband would protect me from a pack of wild dogs (or zombies) and not run in the opposite direction. Is this a deal-breaker? Am I being over-analytical? Over-critical?

– Overreacting in New England?

Q: I'm a man in his mid to late 20s who has made some mistakes in his life. In my early 20s, I treated women like they were conquests. I realized what I was doing when I was 23, felt guilt, and buried myself in a not-so-great three-year relationship (I was treated like a doormat until I walked away). I have spent some serious time thinking about one girl in particular who I met before I was in that relationship.

I met this particular woman when we were freshmen in college and I instantly fell in love with her. The problem was that I was a "grass is always greener" guy back then. For five years she and I dated on and off until I officially ended it. She saw what was good in me. She always saw past my bravado and would keep me in check. We haven't spoken in 3 years and I want to reach out to her. Not because I instantly think we should get back together but because I sincerely want to apologize. I have lived with this guilt for years now because I know in my heart that I should have stuck with her. I also know that I screwed her up emotionally. I believe people can change and I know that I have.

Do you think it would be a bad idea for me to reach out an apologize after three years of no contact? Eventually we will cross paths because we have mutual friends who have weddings coming up. I know with my luck we will be seated at the same table because our friends have sick senses of humors and always loved us together. What should I do?

– Time Changes, CT

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am currently engaged to a great guy, who is sweet, loving ... and sometimes totally clueless. Or I hope it's cluelessness ...

We got engaged only after being together for less than six months, both of us being out of relationships shortly before we met. Trust me, we knew it was fast and didn't go get married or anything. We are still engaged after over a year and a half. We just knew it was what we wanted. We have our wedding set for next fall and things are moving along.

The problem is that my fiance has this ex-girlfriend who refuses to leave him alone. When we were first dating she immediately tried to get back together with him (I found this out later, of course) but he denied her and took things to the next level with me. I know, I know, I should feel confident about our relationship. But she constantly texts him, writes him on Facebook, and has her family members contact him. I even reached out to her one time, asking her to stop because of how disrespectful it is to me. She did for about a month. Then it started again.

My fiance claims it is just because he was close with her family. They want to see how he is doing, etc. There was a death in his family shortly after we started dating so a lot of people were there to support him and he claims that is all she is doing. I disagree. She texts him how she misses him, her family member sent him messages about how they always pictured her marrying someone like him, and how they hope he's not settling, etc. That is not being supportive about a situation; that is clear disregard for the fact he is engaged.

Why won't he just write back and tell them to stop?? Am I crazy? Should I just let this go because he is with me and not her?

– Frustrated in New Hampshire

Q: Dear Meredith,

I've been in a wonderful relationship for the past year with the most caring, sweet, funny man I know. I've never been in a relationship that is so fun or ever felt so safe and at home with someone. But, (there's always a "but" ...) our relationship is conducted from a distance of 300 miles -- from Boston to Philadelphia. We've never gone more than three weeks without seeing each other. He typically drives up here and I take the bus to see him.

We've discussed plans to be closer together, mostly he has been looking for jobs up here because he has friends from college in the area (he went to school in MA). It makes more sense for him to come here in that respect, instead of me moving down and knowing only his family and friends (who I do love, by the way).

This potential move of his has been in the works since before our relationship began but he's found no promising job in his field and is unwilling to move without it (this I completely understand) and more recently he confessed to me that he was hesitant to leave his family and pursue such a big life change.

But how long can a relationship stand this kind of strain and distance with no white light at the end of the tunnel? We are both 24 and not even thinking about marriage but this is someone I'm definitely committed to long term. Is it crazy to want to move there and be closer to him? (Especially because this isn't necessarily leading to a proposal anytime soon?) Is it unreasonable to try and quell his fear of leaving his family behind to start a life in Boston? I am so happy with him but saying goodbye becomes more difficult every time. We both want to be closer together and even discussed living together but we've been stuck in our separate cities and I don't know what to do or say next.

– How Long Does Long-Distance Last?, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

Does my girlfriend still like her ex?

My girlfriend and I have been together for 18 months. Not only is this is longest relationship of my life (I'm in my mid-20s), but it is also the most fulfilling. We get along incredibly well, have tremendous chemistry, and our sex life is great.

One thing that concerned me early on in our relationship was the connection she maintained with her ex-boyfriend. They were living together for a year and then had a very emotional breakup (he cheated on her and she kicked him out). We started our relationship shortly after, so I'm not sure if she was able to get full closure on that relationship.

After a few months of dating, she was very honest with me about meeting up with her ex occasionally for coffee in order to "catch up." I tried being supportive and never voiced my concerns, but one night I looked at her cell phone and noticed that they were having open conversations about their relationship and where it all went wrong. This obviously made me very upset but I never said anything. I was worried that she would not forgive me for looking at her phone. I told her that I didn't want her meeting with him anymore for coffee and she obliged.

I thought this was the end of it, figured she just needed to lay her cards on the table and get closure, but it was not. Recently she left her email open on my computer and I ran a search for any dialogue between her and her ex. Needless to say, I found a lot of correspondence.

She has never written anything to him along the lines of "I still like you, I still have feelings for you, I think we should get back together, etc." But she does bring up a lot of nostalgic memories like "remember that time…" or "I heard this song and it made me think of you, etc." Also, I noticed that she is always the one reaching out to him or messaging him, not the other way around. It appears they have a conversation at least once a month and there is usually some reference to their previous relationship.

I love this girl with all of my heart and she expresses the same feelings toward me, but I just don't know what to make of this. Am I being a chump? Is it all innocent post-relationship behavior? Will she forgive me for invading her privacy? We are set to move in together in a few months so I need to figure out what to do as soon as possible. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

– Concerned Boyfriend, Boston

Q: Meredith,

I have been in a long-term, long-distance relationship with someone that I care for deeply. We are both mid-50s, have already had our families, have each had substantial therapy, and now have a loving relationship based on sincere open and honest communication.

The long-distance is not a problem -- we actually like it -- but he's still married after many years and that has become a problem for me. I got my divorce finalized a few years ago and am so relieved to have it over. He has not moved on his divorce, claiming he didn't want "to rock the boat" when he moved out. Now, years later, his not-yet-ex has calmed down but is still a loose cannon. He says being technically married doesn't or shouldn't matter. He feels guilty about hurting her feelings. I think he is intimidated by her and afraid for how she might take it out on their children, plus, he doesn’t want to pay for a divorce lawyer. If he is waiting for her to make the first move, she has no motivation. It's never going to happen. She has the big house and all the trappings of a suburban housewife without letting on to the rest of the world what is really happening.

Despite our pride in our honest, open relationship, he has had a brick wall about this subject until I made an issue of it recently. We have no plans to get married; we don't even plan to move to one coast or the other. I truly do not think he would ever go back to his wife. Every day when he tells me he loves me, in the back of my head I think, "... but not enough to get divorced." And every day when I tell him that I love him, in the back of my mind I think, "... but I can't completely because he's not really available."

I don't know if I'm off base here. My usual reaction would be to cut and run, but everything else is so good with him. In the spirit of our openness, I kept talking and did not give up and neither did he. He finally realized that he had to explain himself to me and at least told me of the guilt factor. If the guilt is so strong, why doesn't he make amends?

Am I making this into too big a deal? Does it matter? Is this a deal breaker? Or is it ill-fated? I'm tired of dating a married man.

– Limbo Lady, Boston

Q: I am engaged to a wonderful man who is most certainly the love of my life. My problem is not my current relationship; it is anger about my past relationship.

My high school boyfriend was my first love. We broke up but continued to date after we went to college, finally ending our relationship and cutting off all contact during my sophomore year. I dated someone else semi-seriously, but when that ended I found myself thinking about my ex more and more. Even though we hadn't spoken in more than a year, I was convinced that I was still in love with him. I made it my mission to get him back after I graduated. We ran into each other "accidentally" (on purpose on my part) and made plans to see each other. After some liquid courage that evening, I confessed to him that I was in love with him and we slept together. He was leaving on a trip the next day but told me that he would be back soon and that we would see each other again. After not hearing from him for several weeks, I called, only to have a casual conversation in which he did not mention our night together, or anything about us seeing each other again. I was devastated.

About a month later, my fiance finally asked me out on a first date. I said yes, if only because I knew that I needed to move on, and because there had always been an attraction (I knew my fiance through friends). I fell head over heels in love with him, and years later, we are engaged to be married next year.

I've only see my ex three times since my current relationship began. They were all awkward run-ins that included a meal that he initiated when he was near my workplace. During that lunch, he told me that he still knew who I was -- because people don't change. The rage that I had worked hard to suppress came bubbling up again when I realized he had never mentioned that one night or apologized for how he acted.

I don't think that I have a working phone number for him now, and beyond an email address and a Facebook friendship I don't have any way of contacting him, but I am still royally ticked off. I feel like I was taken advantage of. I feel used. I feel like he did a bad thing and has never had the guts to apologize for it.

This is not a fear of missing out letter; I am certain that I am engaged to the right man for me. I just don't want to bring these negative feelings into my marriage. I want to find a way to get over them so that I never have to think about my ex again. Sometimes when I'm at the gym, I find myself imagining what I would say to him to get through an extra mile on the treadmill and I leave enraged and wishing for resolution. I don't want to be angry anymore. Should I contact him and tell him how wrong I think his actions were? Is there anything that I can do to get over my anger?

– Sick of Being Angry, New York

Q: Hello Meredith (and all you lovely LL readers)!

I have been struggling with this situation for some time and I thought it might help if I gained some perspective.

I have been dealing with a very painful, chronic medical condition that has dominated my life for the past five years. Without going into the boring details I can tell you that this condition is not life threatening (for which I am very very grateful) but does require occasional rounds of IV drug therapy. I also deal with moderate to severe pain on a daily basis, which can be difficult at times but I am much better at handling it than I used to be. To say that this illness has changed my life would be an understatement. It has virtually transformed my outlook on life to be more positive and open to change.

Despite these personal epiphanies, I find I have a blind spot in regards to the dating world. During the first two years of my illness I dated a close friend. It got fairly serious but we weren't meant to be (and it didn't end well). Aside from our other issues, I knew then that my illness put a lot of pressure on the relationship and it was very difficult for my partner to deal with it. This knowledge has become a roadblock during my various dating attempts since my last relationship. When I meet someone I am interested in, I feel very guilty and overwhelmed by the idea that my illness is too much of a burden to ask this nice, unsuspecting guy to take on. I also begin to worry about how and when to disclose this personal information. It is difficult for the subject to come up organically in conversation, aside from asking "Have you heard any interesting medical stories lately? Well, I have this thing..." Usually, I become so stressed I immediately stop any attempt to pursue a relationship with said guy.

I know that I talk a big game about being positive and being open to change when deep down I am afraid. I have witnessed the impact of my health on the people I love and I want to spare others the pain of not being able to 'fix' my situation. My illness is always going to be in the picture, and there is no simple 'cure.' My fear of becoming a burden leads me to choose to be alone and it makes me sad. How should I approach dating in regards to my health? Should I stop dating altogether? I would like to be able to share myself with someone despite all my health-related baggage.

– Suffering From Chronic Fear in California

Q: Hey Meredith,

I met a woman at work over the summer who's a couple years older than me, and we really clicked. She's a great girl and we had a lot of fun together. Unfortunately, she's overseas for nearly a year for a job. It's been two months since she left and we still speak everyday via text, phone, or Skype. Things have gone smoother than I would have expected. I haven't had a great history with relationships so I tend to think more negatively than most. Anyway, I'm at a crossroads. I really care about her but it's difficult being so far away. It almost feels like I'm treading water.

I have made tentative plans to go overseas to visit her in the coming months. But I have a couple of questions for you and the readers out there. The vibe I get from her is always good. I think she has strong feelings for me, but she is constantly bringing up guy friends, one in particular. I have my guard up as it is, and we haven't known each other for long at all, so I do have a certain level of speculation about it. Should I feel this way? Is she treating this as a "We're going to do our own thing but still remain in touch" kinda relationship?

I just feel like I have this weight on my shoulders for no reason and I don't know if I'm personally bringing it on myself or is she helping. We've spoken about this before and she knows I'm a little uncomfortable about guy friends but I just feel like she throws it in my face in certain ways. Fact is, she's gone for a while and I shouldn't be worrying about things I can't control. Should I slow things down with her? Keep it like it is? Any advice would be appreciated.

– Overseas, San Diego

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am in my early 30s, as is the man I am dating. We have been together for a little under a year. I am very secure in our relationship and respect and love him as he does me. I can definitely see a future with him. He treats me like gold and we do all kinds of fun stuff together. We get along great.

The problem is that my mother and sister think that I am selling myself short. The main argument that they have against me dating this man is that he is not attractive enough and that physically we don't appear to be a match. I can't even begin to explain how hurtful this is to me. I am honestly saying that there is nothing wrong with his appearance. He is an in-shape man who I find attractive. Also, I can't believe that the two women closest to me would react like this to someone I clearly care about and hope to have a future with. If he is to be my husband, isn't it plain awful that I already have their opinion in the back of my head?

I went out with my sister a few weeks ago and she said to my face, "How are you honestly attracted to him?” I was shocked. This isn't a scenario where I am dating some old man to support me; my boyfriend and I are on the same scale as far as education, income, and age.

My question is, how can I not let this get to me? What can I say to my mom and my sister to let them know that this is not acceptable to say to me? How can I make them see the guy that I see, the one who is caring and kind? I’m just so tired of their opinions …

– Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder, Boston

Q: I've been in a relationship with "Kevin" for about two years. We're both in our late thirties/early forties. I love the time I spend with him. We travel a lot and spend time with my young child and his young kids. Our lives have merged nicely together over the last year or so -- family dinners with the kids, vacations, the whole nice family scene. So when Kevin asked my child and me to move in with him and his kids, it only seemed natural. He suggested we buy a house together.

But I'm having second thoughts. He says he's not ready to get married. His first marriage ended in a very bad divorce. I sense that he's gun-shy about doing it again. I get that. My divorce was no picnic either.

My big concern is that he'll never be "ready." It recently occurred to me that people don't stay around his life for very long. The people that have been around more than a few years are either colleagues -- or high school buddies who like to hang out at his really nice house. People stick around if there's a financial aspect to the relationship.

It's the people he knows on a purely social level that seem to disappear after a while -- neighbors, parents of his kids' friends, etc. If they just faded away naturally, I wouldn't be so concerned, but at least three former friends have told him off about something and angrily stopped talking to him -- all of them women. From the stories his kids tell, it seems that these people used to spend a lot of time with them – birthdays, weekend trips, etc. I've asked him what happened, and the explanation always centers on some minor disagreement. He can't understand why the person would "overreact" like they do and then he claims the person is "crazy." I haven't met any of these people and I don't know enough about the arguments to know if these people are crazy or not, but it's weird for it to happen over and over again.

I also have reservations about his divorce. He still refers to his ex-wife by a derogatory nickname -- even in front of the kids. He'll tell anyone who listens that the divorce was all her fault. He also has no explanation for why she left other than "she's crazy." Then he will go on and on about everything he did for her and how he couldn't understand why she wouldn't be happy. My husband left me, too, and it took me by surprise, but years later I have some insight into how our marriage broke down. Kevin has no insights like that at all. It's all very strange and uncomfortable and I'm not convinced he's over her.

This leads me to wonder if he's capable of a stable, long-term relationship with anyone, especially a woman. Our relationship seems wonderful. He and I and our kids have a nice life going here. Am I the next "crazy" person to leave in a huff or should I stop worrying about it? Should I move in with him and see how it goes or insist on a marriage proposal?

– Am I The Next Crazy One?, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

I haven't been myself for the last few weeks because I can't seem to get one thing off my mind: Is my boyfriend really gay? A few weeks ago, I had lunch with some coworkers and they mentioned that when they met my boyfriend a month or so before, they immediately got the "gay vibe." The moment they said that, my stomach tied up in knots because he does, in fact, have some feminine qualities about him. Since this has always been in the back of my mind and was now being brought to my attention, I decided to investigate and see what my closest friends thought. The majority of them said that he wasn't gay, whereas my family (parents and sisters) had their doubts. The strange thing here is that all of my gay friends have no doubt he is not gay.

At this point, I probably sound like a horrible person with all my investigating, but because I also had doubts before, I had to find out the answer. So, I decided to be honest and have a talk with my boyfriend. He was of course offended and thought it was weird that I would even bring this conversation up, but I had to be honest with him. I explained to him what happened at lunch -- that I had investigated and told him my results -- and then I explained to him that although he said he isn't gay, I just worry that maybe he doesn't know yet. He reassured me that this is not the case.

I love him dearly and we have an amazing relationship (our sex life is even great). One of the reasons we have a great relationship is because we are open and honest with each other. I am not going to say he wasn't upset with me, but it also wasn't something he hadn't heard before. The reason I am writing this letter is because toward the end of the conversation, he mentioned that an ex-girlfriend had initiated the same conversation. To me, that screamed "red flag." All of my doubts and worries had cleared when he told me himself that he wasn't gay, but when I found out that this exact situation played out before, I began to worry again.

I guess I am just wondering how to move on from this. I love my gay friends dearly, but I am not sexually attracted to feminine qualities in a man. I want to get all of this gay talk out of my mind because I never noticed it as much before and the relationship I have with him is wonderful in all other aspects.

– Boston Worrier

Q: Hi Mere,

The short summary of my question is: How do I indicate to a lady friend that I'm no longer interested in her? My situation is complicated because (a) I previously did indicate that I had an interest in her but was unavailable (I was responding to her asking me out); and (b) the way she's acting right now is why I'm no longer interested. She seems to be making bad life choices.

The background: We worked together and became friends. We're in our 40s and have similar interests. She is divorced.

When she first expressed an interest in me, it was probably because I was showing new signs that I was single. I was flattered that she showed interest in me and told her so, but explained that I was still married and would be for a while for many reasons. I feel I made the mistake of agreeing with her assessment that "it was too bad, because we both seemed very compatible."

We remained friends and while we continued to talk, I didn't notice anything different or troubling about our interactions. I also got the impression that she had started to see someone -- and I was happy for her. Meanwhile, I did start my divorce proceedings and moved away from my wife.

The potential complication is that a mutual friend recently informed me that my friend is wondering what she should do about her current guy now that I'm "available." I'm thinking "Nice ... but wow, what if I was in his shoes? That wouldn't be nice.” This also tells me that another invitation from her is headed my way.

To complicate this, I've learned from friends that they really feel I ought to stay as far away from her as I can. Apparently, she has dated a married man we both know. This has since been confirmed to me.

My assessment is that this woman might be going through a big rebound phase. I think that she'll come back to earth eventually and be somewhat the same person I liked as a friend -- and maybe a potential partner. I can take the high road and say, "I've met someone else, sorry...," which is a downright lie. Or I can tell the truth and say, "I was very concerned seeing you date inappropriate people and that's just not the type of person I'd like to start a new relationship with."

So have at it advice givers. Give me some food for thought. I'll make up my own mind, but how would "you" handle this if you were in my shoes and you received a re-invitation?

– How do I handle this?, Massachusetts

Q: Meredith,

Three months ago I reconnected with a wonderful man I had met once over a year ago at my friend's party. At the time, neither of us thought twice about the other as he was in a relationship and I (a woman) was dating mostly women. His past relationships tend to last years while mine do not see all four seasons. I am 26 and he is 2 years older.

Within a month of us going out this summer, we became official. We see each other a few times a week and I have a key to his apartment. We work out together, share similar if not the same interests, and have a future trip planned.

He is cute, extremely intelligent, and caring. We get along great. I trust him. He makes me feel safe. He treats me incredibly well. He has said "I love you" and I said it back meaning it, but I'm holding back a bit as this is moving very fast. There is also no doubt in my mind that he probably would end up asking me to marry him in a year or two as he always includes me in his talks of the future.

But... by my nature, I have always wondered if the grass is greener on the other side no matter who I am with. No, I have never cheated. I am worried about becoming bored, missing my single life (have been single for the past 3 years) or falling out of love with him as I see most people in my generation are, and getting divorced. I want thrill and excitement yet love and security. It's not my immaturity; it's just how I've always been. I need stimulation and excitement but not all of the time.

How do I know if he is the right man? Are some people never 100% ready to settle down? I've never imagined myself marrying anyone else I've dated before but I can see a future with him.

Thank you.

– Will I Settle Down?, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

Long story short, all of my relationships over the past year have been very intense for 1-3 months and then didn't work out for various reasons beyond my control (one guy was in love with another friend, another worked 70-hour weeks with no time for a relationship, and another moved away for the summer.)

Fast forward to the present. I've met a really great guy. We've been dating for almost 3 months and I'm getting paranoid about exclusivity. It seems like whenever exclusivity has been brought up in my other relationships, those relationships have come to an abrupt halt. Since I really like this guy and don't want to see things end, I've just avoided the whole conversation. It's kind of a one-sided exclusivity. I haven't been seeing anyone else and would really like it if he weren't either, but am just too afraid to bring it up.

Is this conversation something that a girl is supposed to start? Plus, just in general, is three months too early to bring up exclusivity? Too late? I know everyone moves at their own pace, but there's gotta be a mean estimate out their right?

The letter writer sent an additional note a few days ago. She explained that she did some digging about his past and found out through a mutual friend that her maybe-exclusive boyfriend got out of a long relationship shortly before asking her out. She says: The weekend after finding out this tidbit of info, he went out of state to visit a friend from college, who is a girl (a very sweet girl who I met at a party a month or so back). I was a bit hurt so I didn't contact him that weekend -- but he actively texted me with vague hints that he was wondering what I was up to without him. I'm trying to not be that jealous, needy girl and give him his space so that he can tell me what's going on in his own time. But simultaneously, I don't want to be the girl on the side if he's still seeing his ex (which I may be jumping to conclusions about -- this girl could really just be a friend). I can't let him know how I know about his relationship past (creepy), but at the same time it's just making this conversation about what are we doing after three months of dating all that more complicated.

Thanks for the help.

– Afraid of THE conversation, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

Love the blog, love you, love the readers. However, I noticed there was a shortage of letters about gay people for whatever reason, so I decided to write in about my situation and try to bump up the stats for Love Letters. Well that, and I also need some advice.

After a rough breakup last year and then several months of not dating, I felt like it was time for me to get back out there and try to meet some new people. I went to Meetup events, created an online dating profile, kept an open mind about being fixed up by friends, the whole nine yards. I met some really interesting people and eventually I started going on dates. Some of them were trainwrecks, but some of them have been great.

I met one of the great ones three weeks ago. He's funny, cute, smart, and overall a really nice guy. Since we clicked right off the bat, we have gotten together a handful of times and have had a few sleepovers. When we crashed at each other’s places, even though I am attracted to him, I knew in my mind that I wasn't going to have sex with him just yet. However this past weekend, he stayed over and we did have some late night grilled cheese (I am a guy after all ...). He definitely tried to take things further, but I resisted. When he asked if everything was OK, I basically said, "I like to get to know someone before I have sex with him," which elicited a slightly surprised reaction from my date.

My question is this: Is it really such an outlandish concept to want to get to know someone before you have sex with them these days? Don't get me wrong -- I have been dating for over ten years now and I definitely went through the phase where I threw around the term "date" very liberally, as many of these were clearly one night stands. But at this point in my life (I'm 29), I feel like I want to find out if this person has the potential to be in a relationship with me before we just dive right in. And I don't mean waiting three months; I'm talking about maybe another two or three weeks while we are still getting to know each other. I don't think that is unreasonable, but maybe I am in the minority here. How, if at all, do you think I should bring this up to him? I don't want to make a big dramatic scene about this. I just think it would be better to have a brief but honest chat about what is going on rather than sending mixed signals or making him confused.
Any advice from you and the readers will be much appreciated. Thanks!

– Wanting a Bit More Time, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I just spent the weekend with a wonderful man. We had a great time together -- kayaking, beer tasting, festival-attending, and hanging out with friends. We can talk about anything or nothing, we enjoy similar activities, he is a social creature and gets along with anyone (which is a huge plus for me), and we're very attracted to each other.

The catch? We've already dated. For five years, almost entirely long-distance (we went to different colleges). And he broke up with me because of the distance and he was tired of the commitment.

It's been over three years since the break-up and we've kept in touch. I've dated and he's dated but we're both single right now. A few months ago we chatted and he mentioned wanting to visit me (he lives in another city) and we made the plans.

My conundrum is this: He's an amazing person and does have many of the qualities I'm looking for in a man. For the past few months I've been thinking about him and wondering what we could be if we got back together.

There are still sticking points: He's Catholic and I'm not religious, he used to be a little selfish but that may have changed, he used to be a bit of a commitment-phobe but again, that may have changed. And he lives in this other city.

Am I simply experiencing some serious FOMO? Am I just imagining what he could be? Is there reason to find out what might be there? I have a lot of friends in his city right now and I'm having a very difficult time finding a job in the Boston area. Moving might be an option, but is this a good reason?

– Wondering, Somerville

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have a quandary. I'm happily engaged to my best friend and we've been together for years. We've had our ups and downs, and we just went through one of those downs, but we're figuring things out. We've both made a commitment and we're not leaving. We've agreed to try an open relationship. It's not about wanting to cheat. It's about realizing that there are some things he can't give me, not because he hasn't tried, or doesn't want to, but just because of his personality and the way he is. It's not his fault but I realized I need something else, too, hence open relationship. Nothing has happened with anyone as this mutual decision is only a week or so old. So what's my problem?

For the last year and a half I've been talking to a guy friend online. His hours are closer to mine (my guy and I have different work hours), he's been a really good source of support, and we've both been there for each other. We have not met face to face, but, you guessed it, I've got feelings for him. I have no idea if he sees me as anything more than a friend. He's far away in another state and we usually communicate by IM. He's single, but he seems to have fallen for a gal who's a friend of a friend that lives across the country. She's nice but they've agreed to take things slow and if someone else comes along in the meantime not to wait for each other. I'm his friend so I'm trying to be supportive but having feelings for him and not being able to say anything is tearing me up inside. This guy deserves to be happy.

My guy knows how I feel about this guy, but he has asked me not to go after him, as he believes this guy is very much like him and feels that if I'm looking for something different I not go for someone similar to him. I see his point, but the feelings are still there.

Do I say something? Do I keep my mouth shut and forget my feelings, be the nice friend and just deal with it by writing emo poetry (I could start an emo band on the volume of stuff I've already written)? Do I just call a time out on my relationship until I figure out? I live with my guy and we've been together for 5 years so it's not so easy to just walk away. I just want a different perspective that isn't in my head or from a single friend. Please help. Thank you.

– Emo Poetry Gal, Boston

Q: Hello Meredith,

I'm a 29 year old guy, single for about a year, gainfully employed and getting a Master's degree part-time. I consider myself a pretty good catch, but obviously I might be a bit biased.

I recently stumbled upon the blog of a Boston girl. Not only is she absolutely stunning, but we seem to have very similar sense of humors and interests. To top it all off, she is super intelligent, which I readily admit is a huge turn on for me.

I have spent the past few days browsing her old postings (which only make her more attractive) and I can't imagine she has any problem finding guys who would fall at her feet. I consider myself a pretty creative person but find myself drawing a total blank as to how not to come across as the "creepy reader." What can I do/say in this situation?

– Admiring the Blogger from Afar, Boston

Q: Hello Meredith and fellow LL devotees,

I'm desperate for your advice, or at the very least, a reality check. Help a girl out.

I am in my mid-20s and have been in a wonderful, loving relationship for about a year and a half. (I always hate letters that start out like this -- my initial reaction is always something along the lines of "so shut up and be happy!") My boyfriend is in his early 30s and is everything I have ever wanted or looked for, and I'll spare you the nauseating list, but it stretches long and far. It has not always been smooth sailing for us, and we've had to navigate some tricky situations -- he has a child from a previous relationship and is a very involved father -- but we always seem to find a way around the difficulties. We both truly believe we were meant to find one another, and we are better people with each other than without.

The problem is not my boyfriend, but his female friend. She works with my boyfriend and was around long before I came into the picture. They carpool, she helps with his son, and she is a regular fixture in both of their lives. Although they do not usually socialize on weekends, she is invited to birthday parties and other family events, and on a couple of occasions she has joined us out with friends or to eat. All of this is A-OK in my book.

Where I begin to have an issue is her feelings toward me. It was made clear to me before I met this woman that she has long carried an unrequited torch for my boyfriend. When he broke up with his child's mother, this woman made a not-so-subtle effort to start dating him. He always politely refused her invitations for one-on-one socializing, and soon after, he and I met and began dating. The first few times I met her last summer she was cold, snide, condescending -- all of which I expected from a woman scorned. I realized it would take her a bit of time to get over the slight and that eventually she might come around.

Unfortunately their carpooling routine seems to have prevented her from getting over anything. She still texts my boyfriend constantly, even on weekends. She is still very cold to me, even going so far as to be upset with my boyfriend for not "warning" her that I would be stopping by his house when she was still hanging around after carpooling one afternoon. She said she was "caught off guard" -- well, considering that my boyfriend lives here, and I am his girlfriend, I find that to be a tad ridiculous and presumptuous on her part.

This has become a big problem recently, as my boyfriend just purchased a new home. I assisted him financially with the purchase and after his child gets settled in the new house, the intention is to have me move in with them. My name is not legally on the mortgage, but this was very much a joint endeavor emotionally. We see ourselves in this house for many years to come and expect my name to go on the legal paperwork a few years down the road. This woman has been around to help my boyfriend with the move, and despite my deep involvement with the house, she continues to request to receive a "heads up" from my boyfriend when I will be there. Also, after hearing me talk about "our house," she expressed to him via text message (no snooping -- we are very open with our phones and I saw her message) that she is concerned that I'm under the impression that it's my house too and started asking if I was planning on moving any of my stuff in. In my opinion, none of the above is her business. But my boyfriend's response was measured -- he told her that it is legally his house, but that since I am his girlfriend, that makes it partly mine as well. Which is true, but his response felt like a tiptoe around her attacks rather than the rebuttal I was hoping he'd give.

Mere, is it wrong to expect my boyfriend to put an end to her hater parade once and for all? Am I being unrealistic or catty? I've asked my boyfriend to say something directly, but he feels too badly about "breaking her heart" and thinks I should just have some sympathy for her and let it go. She is no threat to our relationship, but I'm uncomfortable and angry still.

Gah. I'm baffled.

– She Can't Stop Being A Hater, CT

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am reeling emotionally from what appears to be the end of what could have been a great relationship.

I met this great guy, Kenneth, six months ago. A mutual friend set us up. I was attracted to him instantly. None of that, "Should I go out on a second or third date to see if there's chemistry?" There was chemistry for both us. I'm in my mid-30s. He just turned 40.

We started dating and things were going very well. He was busy with his job (which involves a lot of travel) so we didn't see each other much. He told me up front that he was looking to date and to get serious but that his job took priority. I've always been attracted to men with unusual jobs. I wasn't fazed by his career at all.

About a month ago, 10 days went by without a phone call or email from Kenneth. I finally sent him an email asking if things were okay. I was really anxious when I didn't immediately hear back from him. He was always good about emailing me frequently.

Well, I heard back from him a few days later and it wasn't anything I had ever expected. He said he had just found out a week ago that a girl he had slept with a month before meeting me was pregnant with his child -- and keeping the baby. What's worse is that she waited months to tell him, so (in her words, he says) he wouldn't pressure her into terminating the pregnancy.

I was sick at this news, and then sicker when he told me he had his "hands full" and couldn't see me anymore. One expects to get dumped from time to time but not like this.

(As an aside, I know he didn't cheat on me. After our first date he was out of the country for weeks.)

While I get that Kenneth has had a huge life change, I can't help but feel like I still have a place his life and him in mine. Am I crazy to think this? It was unfair of him to shut me out. Our budding relationship was full of great chemistry, laughter, deep conversation. In other words, it felt right to me.

I need to know: Can our relationship recover? He is going to be a new father in a few months with a woman he basically barely knows. Where do I fit in? Do I fit in? If I don't fit in, how does one recover from a baby mama drama such as this? Am I kidding myself? Either way, what do I now?

– This Worked Out for Gisele, Right?, Wrentham

Q: Hi Meredith,

My girlfriend of 2.5 years and I recently broke up. We broke up for what seemed like very good reasons. We didn't get to see each other at all, we were in different places in our lives, etc. We parted ways on good terms and I felt great about it ... at the time.

Now that we've been apart for a month, I've had some new perspective. One of the reasons we broke up was that she refused to put any effort into our relationship. We didn't spend time together because she would only hang out when it was convenient for her. I spent every weekend at her place with her friends and she would never spend time with mine.

I also recently went through a severe health scare in my family, which took up a lot of my time. The only way I was going to get to see her during this ordeal was if she went out of her way to visit me. She didn't.

Flash forward to last week and I find out she is dating one of her "close guy friends." After one month! On top of that, her friends were saying things like "Finally!" and "It's about time!" on her Facebook wall. The short turnaround is what ultimately made all of this anger bubble to the surface.

I'm angry, Meredith. I'm angry about our one-sided relationship, I'm angry that she wasn't there for me during a time of need, and I'm angry that her friends, who I thought were mine as well, were smiling to my face while rooting for us to break up so that she could be with someone else.

My question is: How do I discuss this with her without it dissolving into a giant mess? She was a huge part of my life for a long time and I don't believe in keeping emotions like this inside. Any help you and the Love Letters community can give me on this would be most appreciated.

– Lost in Cambridge

Q: Dear Meredith,

My boyfriend is fun, highly intelligent, honest, witty, and he makes me laugh. He's also ambitious, sexy, and extremely confident.

Someone once said to me, "It seems like the things you don't like about him are also the things that you love about him." That might be true. He works all the time. And I mean ALL the time. I love it because it makes him happy. But sometimes I feel as though he could make more time for me when he does get a second. Sometimes he makes time for family and friends and then fits me in in the time that's left over. He's not great at making plans ahead of time and after over a year and half of being together, I think there's a tendency to take each other's presence for granted. Another double-edged trait is his confidence. Confidence is a very attractive quality. Yet there are times when it comes off as entitlement or narcissism.

But these aren't that "one big thing" that I'm writing to you about. The major problem is that our communication is absolutely terrible. When he is upset about something or needs to talk to me about something he's uncomfortable with, etc., he has no qualms about bringing it up in a nice, calm, direct and respectful way. But whenever I have an issue or feel a certain way about something he's doing, if I bring it up, he immediately becomes reactive, emotional, closed off, defensive and, to be frank, intimidating. It's not in my nature to be nasty, yell, etc. That behavior also accomplishes nothing. I feel as though I bring up things in the same nice manner that he does. But he doesn't validate my feelings. I seem to always end up frustrated, questioning myself and apologizing to him after bringing up something that bothers me, which makes no sense. I think it has really hurt my self-esteem lately as well as my own confidence, and this can only have the ripple effect of hurting our relationship more. If you feel down about yourself, how can someone else feel great about you?

To have lasted this long with such a big and, to me, hurtful, issue may come as a surprise. But I honestly never noticed it until a few months ago. I guess the longer you're with someone, the more issues come up that you'll have to deal with. I simply have no idea how to approach him about it for the aforementioned reasons. How can I talk to him in a way that makes him hear me? Any advice helps!

– Frustrated in Phoenix

Q: Dear Meredith,

I'm a long-time lurker who hasn't been in many relationships because of my career. A few months ago, I unexpectedly fell for someone I absolutely adore. He is good to me and makes me laugh. I feel safe and worry-free with him.

All this sounds great, right? Well, not quite. You see, this guy is one of the millions of 20-something, college-educated males who are underemployed. He has to work multiple jobs just to make ends meet. He is still on the hunt for a better job but because of his schedule, he just can't hunt aggressively. And when he does apply, he gets interviews and final callbacks but ultimately gets passed over for another candidate. Understandably, he gets upset and depressed by every rejection. But it's tough to see someone you care about go through this over and over again and I feel like I am getting taken for an emotional roller-coaster ride I didn't really sign up for. And short of giving him a better job, I can't help him with this problem.

I really like him but I don't know if I can deal with his employment situation because it's making me depressed, too. Should I continue this and hope that eventually -- and maybe sooner than later -- his job problem will be solved? Should I build an emotional barrier to stop myself from feeling depressed with him? Are my feelings of ambivalence toward this relationship really about his job situation, or do you think there are underlying personality or life-goal differences in play?

– Brazen Careerist?, Cambridge

Q: Dear Meredith,

I just rediscovered Love Letters and I've been binge reading the archives.

I've been dating this great guy for the last few months. Things are going really well, he's sweet and good to me, and we have a great time together. It's not just that we share common interests, but he makes me laugh and I love being around him. I feel like this has real long-term potential.

Here's the thing. In my reading of the Love Letters archives, I stumbled upon one letter in particular that sounded strangely familiar. In fact, I'm 99 percent sure that my boyfriend wrote it. It's his exact voice, and I even remember having a conversation with him that included some of the same ideas. The letter itself isn't about our relationship (he wrote it when he was single, before we met), or even really his past relationships. It doesn't have to do with another woman at all; it's just about dating in general.

The problem isn't about the letter, or even about us. The question is: Do I tell him I found it? Do I risk him being embarrassed? I don't think it will damage our relationship; in fact I'm pretty sure we can joke about it, but it might be a little awkward.

Also, I realize readers might think I'm being passive aggressive by writing in to you about this, in a place where he could very likely read it and realize it's about him. That's not my intention, and I'm not upset about the letter -- if anything, it's kind of adorable. I'm writing out of genuine curiosity about what others would do in this situation, and I figured that you and the Love Letters community would get a kick out of this conundrum.

I know that if I don't tell him it's going to feel like I'm keeping a secret, and I hate doing that. I also don't feel like he's keeping this from me -- why would he bring it up? Should I simply say "Hey, I found this old Love Letter, it sounds just like you...!" and see what he says? Can we laugh about old Love Letters together, or should I just forget about it?

– Letter Writer Dating Letter Writer, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

I'm 25 years old and I've been dating my boyfriend for almost four years. After more than two years of a long-distance relationship, I moved from another state to live near him (in my own apartment). He lives with friends.

There are a lot of positives about my life after the move -- my new job is much better than the one I had before, and I don't mind living alone ... except for the financial part. It's tough to afford a decent, safe apartment by myself. And honestly, it does get lonely once in a while, which leads me to the next point.

Like many couples these days, my boyfriend and I would like to move in together when my lease is up late next year. The only problem? Our parents. Both of us come from Catholic families who disapprove of living together before marriage. My parents actually said that our wedding would "no longer be special" and seemed genuinely hurt and upset (not angry) when I told them about my plans. They pressured me to get married instead, saying it was essentially the same thing as living together. He hasn't approached his parents yet because they're more strict and have made their opinion on the matter known before.

My boyfriend and I routinely discuss getting married and intend to do so within a few years, but we feel 25 is a bit too young. We're independent adults, so we aren't asking our parents for permission, but we also respect and love them and we don't want to cause a major rift. Do you have any advice for a couple struggling to be independent without making our families angry? Is it worth the risk, or should we just wait it out living separately if we intend to get married in a few years anyway?

– Family ties (that bind), Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have a family full of over-protective brothers and they've all hated every one of my boyfriends. I always wrote off their opinions, though, thinking they were just being brothers, but they were right. Every guy I've dated has turned out to be abusive, a cheater, or just plain mean.

So after getting out of my last relationship (during which my ex lied, snooped, and was controlling), I decided to stay single for a while.

Then something happened. About a month later, I met a really amazing man -- a friend of a friend who travels as part of his job. He was stopping in one day for work (coincidentally on my birthday) and after my friend introduced us, we hit it off. We spent the entire day/night together, and then he had to leave the next morning. He called me the next day saying that he missed me and wanted to see me again, so he bought me a round-trip ticket to go visit him the next week.

I had only known him for a day, but we had talked on the phone a lot, and I felt comfortable enough going. The trip was incredible and we're absolutely crazy about each other now. We both have said we want to make something work between us, as crazy as it sounds with the distance and the limited knowledge we have of each other. But I really think this could actually go somewhere, and I don't want to exclude such an amazing person from my life just because we aren't in the same location. If things work out between us, geography is always fixable.

But I forgot to mention one more thing: I'm in my early 20s and he's in his early 30s. I don't have a problem with the age difference (he says he doesn't either), and there's plenty of chemistry between us. We have the same interests, we're looking for the same things in a relationship, and we get along really well. But my friends have put a little doubt in my mind about the whole thing. They think there's nothing inherently wrong with a 10-year age difference, or with knowing each other for a day, or with doing long distance, etc. ... but that I should be careful because he might be playing me.

He has no obligation to me, no obligation to be in any kind of relationship, but he seems to want to be with me. Are my friends right? Should I have my guard up? Is this all happening too fast? Is the age difference too much?

I have a really good feeling about him and I want to let myself be happy and throw myself into it -- but that hasn't always worked out for me in the past. Do I get back on the horse and take a risk, or take a break?

– Swept Away, Waterside, Mass.

Q: Hi Meredith, et al.,

OK, so my question is the question that has probably been asked a zillion times.

Where do professional single women (no kids) over the age of 35 go to meet professional single men who are interested in dating women over 35?

I've tried the internet, meet ups, sporting events (participant and spectator), but it appears most men are interested in girls under 35. Those who are interested in the 36 and up range tend to be on the older side (like 50 and older). I am 37. I am looking to meet men between 33-45 (ideally).

I am attractive, educated, successful, outgoing, happy, blah, blah, blah, but I can't shake this feeling that my age is hindering my chances to meet a nice, available guy.

I've been told by my guy friends that men are scared of girls over 35 because these guys think the girls want to get married and pregnant right away. Is this true? Sure, I want those things, but I am not running around with a registry gun looking to pounce on the first single guy who asks me out.

I've also been told that I am at a "bad" age. This means that all the single guys in my age range are either on or past the threshold of being confirmed bachelors (in other words, they have issues). The rest are married. One friend told me that I am going to have to wait for the married men to divorce in order to find a decent guy. Yikes, really? I don't want to believe this either.

And just so everyone knows, I am very happy with my life. I don’t feel like I need a man to complete me; however, having a partner would be the icing on the proverbial cake.

So what's a girl (and all the other never married, single girls) to do?

I know these guys are out there.

– Where are they hiding?, Boston

Q: I've been friends with "Matt" for about seven years. From day one I felt instantly connected to him. During our first conversation we realized we had one very important thing in common -- surviving the same illness.

Initially, we met, exchanged emails, and hung out a couple times. I started to think, "Hey, this has the potential to go somewhere." And then I met his WIFE and KIDS. So I threw on the emergency brake. I no longer was in the pursuing mode and quickly retreated into friend zone. Only there was one big problem. I had already fallen head over heels for this guy.

Over some time, I tried distancing myself from him and was even in a relationship for a couple of years, but fate (our mutual love for sports) brought us back together ... as friends. The friendship was great. I enjoyed having him in my life. He made me feel completely at ease. Completely myself. Completely safe. Completely happy. We’ve been like that for years.

Which brings us to the present. "Matt" is fighting with his wife all the time. He is not happy. He talks about leaving her because he truly thinks the environment is unhealthy for him. He comes to me to release his frustrations and sit peacefully, watching the game, without any nagging interruptions. Meanwhile, his wife does consider me a friend.

I know that I should not offer much advice to him because my opinion is biased. I know that I should just let him talk and get it out, and just be there for him as a friend. But I'm conflicted. I think there's a possibility that I could love this man -- and have loved him for many years. Because of this, any opinion I could offer would have an ulterior motive.

In any other situation with any other guy, I have always told them how I felt. If the feelings weren't shared, I moved on. Simple. I want to do that now. I want to know if I should just move on. I don't know that I would be able to be with someone else completely until I know if "Matt" and I had a chance. I also know that I can't or shouldn't get involved because he's married. So, in the meantime, I just wait ... and hope ... and pray that the stars align and he somehow gets magic mind reading abilities to hear what is going on in my mind and in my heart.

What should I do? Do I tell him how I feel? Do I just be his friend forever and enjoy what we have (always wondering "what if")? I'm barely surviving over here ...

– Barely Surviving, Great Lakes

Q: I have been a notorious failure in relationships most of my life, always building a wall or finding someone who is emotionally unavailable. However, this past year I have been through some serious trauma with the death of a close family member and a few friends leaving me behind during this difficult time. This created major trust issues and multiple insecurities.

For the past few months, I have been seeing a new guy, who is great. He claims to not want to have a label or be in a "relationship," but his actions say otherwise. He goes out of his way to do little things for me to show that he appreciates me and I don't feel as if he is out trying to find someone better. We have been bickering lately because I am beginning to think that it is only a matter of time before he walks out on me, too.

I know that I feel this way because I have experienced so much loss lately that I am now sort of just expecting it. If some people who were in my life for years can just give up on someone at their weakest moment, how can I not be afraid that this guy will do the same? He tells me that he isn't going anywhere, but these days, my gut trusts no one.

I don't know what to do to fix this. I truly want things to work with him, as he is the only thing that has made me happy, but I don't know how to relax and shut my mouth to prevent pushing him away...???

– Abandoned, Massachusetts

Q: Hi Meredith,

Frequent lurker and first-time letter writer. I come to Love Letters hoping to get some insight from you and the frequent Love Letters readers. I am almost 30 and dating someone my age. We've been seeing each other for almost a year and things have been great. I don't want to gush on and on about how truly blessed I feel to have this man be a part of my life, but it's hard not to! He's sweet, funny, smart … OK, OK, I'll stop there.

At this point you may be wondering what my problem is. I'll be honest, it has less to do with him and more to do with me. A few months ago, he asked me to go traveling with him. He will be finishing up a degree and will have a few months off before he begins a job. He's asked me to go with him and naturally, my first thought was to say yes. I've always wanted to do something like pick up my stuff and just go, but I've always held back. The oldest in a somewhat dysfunctional family, I was assigned the "mother" role very early on in my childhood and have played that role ever since. I've always been the responsible one with the well-paying, stable career, the family member everyone came to rely on. I'm not complaining about this nor do I feel resentment. So here I am with a reasonably well-paying job that is OK (I'm definitely not in love with my job), family and friends and roots in Boston, my car, apartment, etc., etc. The bottom line is that I'm scared about leaving. I would have to quit my job (leave would not be an option), leave my friends, my family, basically everything that i know to be "safe" and just go. Love Letters people, that scares the holy beejebus out of me!

My non-sensible side is telling me to just do this -- to not over think this and to go and enjoy a few months abroad with a man I am crazy about. The question is: Is non-sensible me deserving of being locked up in a mental ward or should she be put on a plane next to her amazing man?

– Maybe World Traveler, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

My boyfriend Tom and I are in our early 30s. We have known each other for a decade, have been together for a few years, and live together. We met through friends.

From the first moment Tom and I met, we always had a strong attraction to each other, and there were several times when we almost got together, but the timing was never right. One or both of us was always involved with someone else. We would see each other at our friends' dinner parties and on group vacations, we'd flirt and banter, and then we'd go home alone or with our respective significant others. This (admittedly) caused some friction for both of us with our respective exes, but for years and years, nothing ever happened between us. It took us a long time to get together.

Why the letter? Well, I don't know what I expected after all that drama and pent-up attraction. There were a few fireworks at first, but after a couple of months, they quickly burned out, and what I ended up with was a pretty easy, reasonably happy, very comfortable, mutually supportive relationship with a great friend. That is all fine and dandy, but over the course of the past year or so, I have started to feel some disappointment. I realize how ungrateful that sounds ... and I feel insanely guilty about that. I do love Tom and am happy with him, for the most part. But we are probably intimate once a week and it's a pretty routine experience. We kiss, and it is a friendly, affectionate hello or goodnight -- but nothing reminiscent of us passionately making out when we first got together. I feel like we have already fallen into the pattern of an old married couple and it has only been a few years of dating.

I know I could be reasonably happy with Tom for a long time in our predictable, comfortable, somewhat celibate life together. I guess when our relationship was still hypothetical, I just always expected something … more? More fire, more heat, more something. I don't know. He says that he loves me more than anything and that he doesn't know what the problem is with our "lack of passion." How do you infuse the fire back into a relationship after it has burned out?

Maybe the problem is me, and my expectations. Have I seen too many romantic comedies? Am I expecting something that just doesn't happen in real life? Do I just need to get over myself and be happy with my comfortable, predictable relationship?

– What Happened After Harry Met Sally, New England

Q: Hi Meredith,

A few months ago I got out of a long-term relationship with a guy I cared deeply about, but who ended up not treating me very well. While trying to recover from this breakup, I met a great guy, "Mark." Mark is easy to talk to, sweet, nice, caring, honest, and he treats me wonderfully (and we're all good with physical intimacy). We have fun together doing nothing, and he has been extremely understanding of my need to take things slow. We have been seeing each other for a few months now. Mark is a great catch overall -- definitely husband material.

My problem is that Mark is more sensitive than any other guy I've ever dated. I usually go for the masculine type, but Mark cries at movies, enjoys musical theater, and doesn't mind hanging out with the girls gossiping. While I can definitely see why some of these qualities are sweet, they are a bit of a turn off for me (I know this seems silly but it's the truth -- I am usually the sensitive one in a relationship!).

I am struggling because at times, I can really see myself falling for Mark, and then other times I am turned off by his "sensitivities" and the way he wants to see me all the time (Mark isn't originally from Boston so he doesn't have a lot of friends in the area).

How long is it OK to date someone while you're trying to "figure out" your feelings for them? Mark has made it clear that he REALLY likes me -- but I seem to keep changing my mind about my romantic feelings for him. He is such a wonderful person that I want to really fall for him. I know he would be a wonderful boyfriend. Are these feelings normal? Am I trying too hard to force something?

– Falling for Mr. Sensitive, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

"Jack" and I have been together for years. We are in our mid-twenties and met during college. We were on and off a couple of times during school but have been going strong for five years. He is the love of my life, best friend, confidant and savior, and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. A few years ago, he battled with addiction and depression. After that, he dealt with some family tragedies. But I stayed by his side and helped him get through it. I was his lifeline and his bank during that time, never once complaining.

Fast forward to a couple years later. I moved to live with him and to be near his family. It's a daily struggle for me because it's a long commute to Boston. My work hours are intense. He is employed, but he doesn't make much money and he's unhappy with the work. But for some reason he has zero motivation to do anything about it. He has random bills that have collected around the house that would take seconds to take care of, but he just can't seem to get the motivation to just get it done.

I'm tired and frustrated and over being his caregiver. When I do end up snapping, his response is "No one asks you to do it!" and he's right, but I feel like I have to. I guess my question is: When is enough, enough? Should I get out now before I end up resenting the entire thing and the stress that it puts on me? I have never ever insisted on being taken care of, but I do expect to be a team.

– The Caregiver, Outside of Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

A friend of mine -- who I used to like a lot -- has been exhibiting a lot of risky behavior. I don't usually interfere in another adult's risky behavior, but this situation has me concerned. Since I have known her, she has made a name for herself among our social group for hitting on, making out with, and throwing herself (literally) at any man she sees when she has been drinking -- as a married woman. Her marriage recently ended and she almost immediately began dating a man who used to be her boss. She has continued with her drunken antics with other men while she has been dating him.

Why do I care? He has children. They are planning a future together. I am having a hard time standing by and watching her behave recklessly in yet another relationship, and this one with higher stakes. What should I do? Tell him? Give her a stern talking to? Stop being her friend (which will likely happen anyway)?

– Friend of Out of Control Woman, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I grew up in a pretty conservative home and went to a religious college where sex wasn't unheard of, but there was no stigma for those who were not doing it. I kind of drifted away from the faith in college, but still didn't really date much. There were a couple girls, and I made my first grilled cheese sandwiches then, but never went all the way.

Since I left college I've had one long term girlfriend, but not anyone I really saw a future with. I've been waiting until I was married but always thought I would be married by this point. Now I am staring my 30th birthday in the face and feeling a bit like a movie should be made about me starring Steve Carell.

I'm not an Abercrombie model by any means, but I've had plenty of opportunities. My question for you is whether or not I should just take one. I'm not religious anymore, and it doesn't look like I'm going to get married any time soon. There's really no good reason not to have sex except that I've waited this long and I figure I might as well see it through.

Obviously that has been good enough for me so far, but I'm getting to the point where I am worried that not only am I going to a 30-year-old virgin, but a 50 or 70-year-old one. That was never part of the plan.

So what do you think?

– The Almost-30-Year-Old Virgin, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am in my 20s, originally from Boston, and working in another state for the time being. I met my boyfriend in Boston more than a year ago. We both got jobs across the country (in different places) and moved to try the seasonal work life. I should probably also mention that I've have two long-term relationships in the past. Finally, I'm in a happy one.

It's been months now of doing the long-distance thing. We've driven out to see each other (10-plus hour drives), call as often we can, send letters and packages, and talk candidly about the joys and frustrations of long-distance love.

As is the nature of the seasonal work life, the main focus is finding and securing the next job. My time limit is that if we have not figured out a way to be together by 5 years, then maybe this relationship won't work. He is on the same page.

But that's 5 years of phone calls and always missing someone -- hmmf. I like the relationship because it gives me the opportunity to focus just on my work and not get distracted by mindless short-term romantic flirtations. I also like that I have an actual goal in my life -- getting a solid career going doing something I love so that I can make a life with my boyfriend someday.

But do long-distance relationships work when there is no end in sight and life is so nomadic? What kind of stories are out there about success stories, and failures?

– Maybe I should just hug a tree, Out West

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am a mid-30s woman, former Boston resident. I've been dating, on and off, a very good man for about two years. Neither of us has ever been married, no children, and we both are interested in families. And although my clock is ticking, I have not turned insane yet.

"Billy" is a wonderful guy. Steadily employed, good work ethic, he cleans and cooks, he loves children, and he loves me. I have not always been good to him and have struggled with many of his perceived faults. We are very different in many ways. I have college education while he never finished school. I cut drugs and alcohol out of my life, and while he would like to do the same, he’s struggling with it, which has prevented us from living together. I love reading. He can't read two paragraphs without falling asleep, and he's like "Pootie Tang" (We never knew what he was saying, but we always knew what he meant.) I am not tied to my current area (my family is still in Massachusetts) whereas he seems hesitant to leave. Despite all this, our relationship works on multiple levels.

I have struggled with broken hearts from several men over the course of my life. The men I loved left me and it took years to get over them. But I thought they were everything, made my life interesting, fun, with purpose, and I still think of my last "love" as being my soul mate or something, even though we were only together for a short time. I still miss him and think "what if ..." despite how fruitless and crazy that is.

I can't seem to shake the whole fantasy man. Like if I just accept Billy, I am missing out on the person I am truly meant to be with. Believe me, I know Billy is a gift and I have always thought he was the perfect man, but for somebody else. Every day I try to appreciate the stability, the fact that this man puts up with my teenage-like expectation of what "love" is as he lays next to me and watches six hours of a “My So-Called Life” marathon. He has so many fine qualities.

I've dated. I've been alone. I have hobbies and friends. I've done it all (I feel like). Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Why don't I want to give up on my fantasy life? It's so beautiful and terribly painful. I've tried to let him go to find somebody who will love him better than me. Am I an extreme example of this generation of women who want the unattainable??

– Living in a Fantasy World, Out of Boston

Q: I've been a longtime lurker and am a huge fan of your column. I've been struggling with a question for some time now and I think this forum would offer me just the kind of feedback I need to help me make a decision.

I've recently dipped my toes back into the online dating pool and an old concern of mine has resurfaced. See, I don't hold a college degree, and online dating websites invariably force users to check a simple box denoting their level of education. My fear is that I'm being routinely overlooked by potential suitors who default to searching for dates who have college degrees. The mentality I've found when casually asking around among my (mostly college-educated) friends is that "educated" men very much prefer to date "educated" women, and the detailed Q&A section on a particular dating website reflects this, so I'm pretty sure my concern isn't unfounded.

Now, to put my situation in perspective, in addition to being a friendly and slightly nerdy girl-next-door type, I am a very smart, successful, financially independent woman in my early 30s. I have a solid middle-management career with a major corporation, my own apartment, a reliable car that is paid off, as well as great credit and zero debt (a rare side benefit of not having gone to college is not having to repay student loans!). My lack of a college degree is not at all a reflection of a lack of intelligence, responsibility, or work ethic. Instead, it's the product of a family situation that left me financially independent at a very young age and unable to afford college. People who know me at all are shocked to learn that I don't have a college degree, and once I explain the circumstances, they tend to be very understanding.

As I get older and worry more about missed opportunities, I find myself wondering whether fibbing and checking the "college degree" box on online dating profiles would be justifiable under the circumstances. (I would come clean upon meeting a guy face to face.) I know that the right guy won't hold my lack of a degree against me, and I know that there are plenty of guys like that out there -- I'm just concerned that those same guys are innocently ruling me out within the online dating pool. I also think it's worth noting that my job keeps me very busy, so I lean pretty heavily on online dating websites to help me meet single guys my age.

Maybe I'm making too much of this, but all signs seem to point to this being a considerable barrier in my dating life. For what it's worth, in the past I've dated men with a variety of educational backgrounds, from those who have only taken a few college classes, to fellows with PhD's. What do you think, Meredith? Should I fib online and explain myself when I meet a guy in person? Or would the guys I meet be justified in being angry at me for lying about this? And do your readers think that my worry is unfounded?

– Undereducated in Somerville

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm a woman in my twenties, personable, fun, goal-oriented, and fairly good looking (I've been told); in other words, I don't have trouble getting a date. I met a great guy recently who I think is a total catch: funny, handsome, smart, etc. Even though our relationship has been completely platonic since we've know each other, we spend a lot of time together and get along well. My rational side also recognizes that we have enough common interests and values for a serious relationship (in fact, probably more so than with any other person I've known before). In terms of actually dating, I've been getting some mixed signals. While I don't think I'm his usual type, there does seem to be some sort of connection there and his friends have said things that hint that we could be good together (though maybe that's just how I want to interpret it).

I normally would have no qualms about asking a guy out and finding out for sure if he's interested or not, and if he isn't, I'd have no problem moving on. But here's the twist: this amazing guy is my roommate. What do I do?!

We didn't even know each other before moving in, so as it is I feel lucky that we get along so well. I'm just afraid of making the first move, getting rejected, and creating an incredibly awkward roommate situation. At the same time, it's hard to just forget about someone and move on when you live with that person. I feel stuck, and I don't want to spend the remainder of our lease (with more than six months left) tormenting myself with what-ifs.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

– Lease Locked, Boston

Q: Hi there,

I am a lurker and occasional commenter, but now I find myself needing your (and your LL crew's) advice before I possibly screw up the most wonderful, fulfilling relationship I've ever been in. We have the best time together and I feel so safe when he's around.

I'm a 30-something single mom who's been divorced for almost a decade and there's no drama in that department -- except that I haven't been able to tell any man I've dated that I love him. I've been in a relationship with a genuinely sweet guy named "Ted" for the past year. For the first time in years I'm dying to tell Ted I'm madly in love with him. Here's the catch. He's freshly divorced single dad coming out of a horrible marriage. He's in the same mental place I was in so long ago. At the very beginning he said he didn't want to be alone, but didn't know if he could be in another serious relationship. Well, we've been in this fabulous relationship for the past year. I need to tell him I love him, but am so afraid he'll bolt because he'll realize he's been a serious relationship and suddenly feel boxed in. I NEVER want him to feel pressured to say he loves me too if he's not ready. I just need to tell him how I feel.

Please, what do I do? Do I tell him how I feel and hope for the best? Should I keep my mouth shut and hope eventually he'll tell me how he feels? It's been a year. Should I feel this anxious about saying "I love you" in the first place?

– Lovesick in Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am in a serious long-distance relationship that has been going great. My boyfriend lives out of state -- where he has to stay for a year because of work -- and I live in the Boston area. We see each other every two weeks and so far everything is perfect ... except one thing. He has a stage five clinger ex-girlfriend.

He dated this ex-girlfriend for a few years more than five years ago. She moved out of state and they have been "pen pals" for some time now. When we were planning his recent move, she got very inquisitive about the details. It made me uncomfortable so I suggested that he tell her about us. He sent her a nice email saying he had met someone and that it was pretty serious. She went bonkers. Emailing, calling, texting, the works. She claimed she just wanted to make sure he was happy and even asked to see a picture of the two of us. Long story short, it all came to a head this summer. She was calling and texting nonstop even though he asked her to stop, and she and I got into it.

While it wasn't my place to get involved, he was very uncomfortable with how strong she came on and he isn't confrontational. I asked her nicely to give us some space and she was very angry and told me it wasn't over between them. He cut off all communication with her but she still emails. I am worried that her threats about coming to claim him are going to come to fruition. I would not have minded they remained friends, in fact -- one of my best friends is my first love. But she is clearly still in love with my boyfriend. My boyfriend thinks we should continue to ignore her but I'm afraid she is losing it. Her emails sound more and more desperate and I am getting nervous. She doesn't threaten bodily harm, just goes on and an on about the past and that he owes her an explanation. She sounds a little crazy to be honest. Please send me some advice.

– You Can't Cure Crazy, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years. I'm in my late-20s and he's in his early 30s. We have had ups and downs like most couples, dealt with personal and family chaos, career changes, and all the other crazy stuff life throws at you. At the end of the day we love each other very much and have really stuck by each other through thick and thin. We do not live together although we have talked about moving in together recently and decided that we're not quite ready to take that step. We spend most nights together at his place.

Now for my question. I'm not 100% sure about marriage in general. Some days I think it would be fun and exciting to have a wedding and a marriage, while other days I think I'm cool with the life partner thing. I do want a commitment, though. I see moving in together as the "big step" that would solidify that commitment. I just resigned my lease so the earliest something could change is a year from now. I've decided I would like to show him that I am committed. As a 21st-century woman, I am thinking about getting some kind of matching jewelry (sort of like promise rings?)

My question is: Am I rushing things? I want it to be a joyous occasion and not uncomfortable, but would also love for it to be a surprise so I don't want to have a conversation with him about it first. I know he is committed to our relationship, but I don't want him to think I am pressuring him into proposing soon or that I'm not respecting the conversation we had about the next step in our relationship. I wouldn't expect us to wear them every day (I wear very little jewelry, changes from day to day). I would view it as a sweet symbol of our commitment to each other. It feels empowering when I think about buying this gift for us and could see him either loving it or feeling nervous about it. He'll never think that I am hinting at an engagement ring because I have told him on several occasions that I do not believe in engagement rings because I think they are archaic and misogynistic (Sorry, Beyonce. I still love "Single Ladies.") Any guidance? Is this old fashioned or corny? Will he view this as too much pressure?

– Longing for Commitment, Massachusetts

Q: Hi Meredith,

I like to imagine what you would say to me about my relationship on any given day, but now that a real problem has arisen I thought I would stop pretending and actually ask for your advice.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. Before I found him, I was more of a wild child and found it very hard to settle down with anyone. He was exactly what I needed; trustworthy, kind, fun, and he opened my world up to new experiences. My family loves him, his family loves me, and as he's in his 30s (I am a few years younger), we talk frequently about our future, including picking out our wedding songs.

Here comes the shocker: He tells me he thinks of me as his best friend, that he's never loved anyone more than me, but that he isn't sure he loves me "enough." He says he doesn't know if this will work because he thinks I deserve more love than he can give me.

What does this mean? I need more help deciphering this. I think he is amazing and I have never made him feel like he doesn't do enough for me. Is he setting the stage to walk out? If so ... why? Is it something internal he is battling (he has a history of depression), or is that just a cop-out?

– Isn't Love Enough?, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

A married friend of mine (yes, this truly is a friend) in his early 30s confided in me more than a year ago that he's bisexual and that he had recently told his wife. She was a little blindsided, seeing as how they had been together for a long time, but she was very supportive. He realized that it would be tough having to suppress a side of him that he's never truly been able to explore, but he acknowledged that he wanted to make his marriage work.

When the topic came up between us, he always had indicated that the situation was going well and that he wasn't worried about the future. But soon enough, he and his wife told our group of friends that they were getting a divorce. They maintain that they are best friends and that there are no hard feelings, but it is a devastating situation for both of them. For financial reasons, they'll be staying in the same place for a while, which in my opinion isn't such a good idea. My wife and I are very close with both of them, as are all of our mutual friends.

I would appreciate some advice on how we (me, my friend, his wife, our group of friends, etc.) support this major change in our close friends' lives and make it easier for him and
his (soon to be ex-)wife to move forward. One issue that we (friends) have run into is deciding how soon to try to set either of these people up on dates or introduce them to other singles that we know. And while the friends have not taken a side, we have all agreed that if the ex-husband decides that he does in fact want to be with a woman after he tries dating men, and if that woman isn't his soon-to-be ex-wife, then more than a few of our female friends are going to be pretty angry with him.

– Looking to be supportive, Mass.

Q: Dear Meredith and LL enthusiasts,

I am a longtime reader and am looking forward to some unbiased advice. Some background: My boyfriend and I are in our mid-twenties and have been dating for four years and living together for more than two. We love each other very much and have discussed a future together. We are both very happy and secure in our relationship.

We recently relocated to a house he purchased. The house is not terribly far from our old home, but far enough that I needed to find a new job. Even though I was open to and excited about this move (and I still am), I've made some sacrifices that I feel are pretty significant, and I did so without any mention or pressure about an engagement, partially because I knew buying a house is big deal in and of itself, and also because I know we will take that step eventually.

I don't question his commitment to me, but lately I feel that the transition I've gone through recently is huge and that he has not recognized that at all. I also think we're at a place in our relationship where the next step is waiting right in front of us. I'm ready to take it, but I feel like it's out of my hands. Is it out of line to feel that an engagement, or a more formal commitment, is to be expected? Is it an unfair expectation? How do we discuss this without making him uncomfortable or making me sounding crazy?

– Great Expectations, Portsmouth, NH

Q: Hi Meredith,

Last fall I got out of a rather unhealthy relationship. I didn't date after that until a met "Tyler" while I was on vacation earlier this year. Tyler is a professional in his mid-20s, a few years older than me. It wasn't fireworks from day one. In fact, I spent most of the vacation avoiding him. I'm from Boston and he lives in another city and that was a huge red flag from the moment we met.

Although I tried really hard not to like him, communication didn't stop after we left the beach town. We started off slow, emailing each other during work hours. This progressed to long phone calls, and me visiting him a few times over the summer. The elephant in the room, the distance, was rarely brought up until recently when he phoned me to break up the day he was supposed to be visiting. Tyler told me he couldn't proceed with a long-distance relationship, something we both experienced when we were in college. He no longer speaks to his former girlfriend. I am on friendly terms with my long-distance ex.

We then spent days expressing how we both felt, me wanting to stay together and to eventually move to his city, while he adamantly said he just couldn't balance work, school, and a girlfriend who was a flight away. I'm a rational person; his side of the argument is completely valid. We agreed to remain friends because nothing "bad" happened between us but decided that we should give each other space so we could move on.

Here is where my dilemma comes into play. We still talk for hours nearly every day. We have the same conversation at least twice a week, me still wanting to be with him, him missing me but not committing. I am somewhat of a hopeless romantic. Not everyone is going to meet a potential love on the same career path, in the same city, with all the same life goals. Do I try to form a friendship that may one day lead to more if the timing is right or do I cease all communication and bury every "what if" scenario that provides that small glimmer of hope.

– Out of state, out of mind?, Boston

Q: This is an unconventional question, but here it goes. I am a longtime lurker and rare commenter. I am a 25-year-old woman, been in two relationships, dated many, am a strong born-again Christian (no judgments, please), and lost my virginity at 24.

My question is this: Why do the majority of LL commenters think that people should only sleep together in a monogamous relationship? Isn't that putting far too much value on the act? Don't you think that it's a good way to shoot yourself in the foot? IMO, if women just relax about it and have no expectations from it (let's try and see where this goes, NOT "He must commit to me for life!"), then they will be free to make a rational decision after the fact and be saved the emotional agony if the guy doesn't stay with them. I really don't get it and am looking for some reasons. Why the strict view on sex? Has this worked for you in the past? Thanks!

– Wondering, Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm in a bind. I think? I've been with my boyfriend for almost a decade (since we were teenagers, we are now in our 20s). We used to fight CONSTANTLY, but somehow, miraculously, we stopped. We get along better than ever and it just feels like the healthy relationship it once was. I see us having children, getting married, the whole nine yards. However, there is another gentleman. Let’s call him "B."

I've known him longer than my boyfriend. "B" and I have never dated and we never really hung out back in the day. We had crushes on each other but we were both too afraid to do anything about it. He comes in and out of my life periodically. (He had his own long-term relationship for years, not too sure what happened with that but it’s over.) We have hung out a few times recently and I notice that when he comes back into my life, I have doubts about my current relationship. When he leaves, I am content with my life, everything is great, and I couldn't be happier (because I'm not thinking about "B").

I'm confused. I like "B" but I'm also in love with my boyfriend. I feel like "B" knows when to come back into my life to mess it up. I feel like this is a game he enjoys playing. He told me recently that he could see me as his girlfriend, however he doesn't like introducing me to people he knows.

I need help.

– Confused Lover, Boston

Q: My boyfriend is addicted to his cell phone. He is always texting or taking calls from his family and friends while we're hanging out.

I only see him a few nights a week but he says that if we spend a lot of time together, I can't expect him to just not respond to people. He'll usually take one or two calls while we're together and texts people. I tell him I think that it's disrespectful and that it hurts my feelings. I also feel very unsafe when he texts while driving while I'm in the car. I offer to text for him and he always tells me that it's fine and nothing will happen. I ask him how he'd like it if I was always on my phone. He says that he wouldn't care.

He has also taken his phone out during dates to read articles. When I told him to put the phone away during one of these dates, he told me that he was bored and just wanted to read something.

This issue really bothers me because I believe that it comes down to respect. I feel ignored and that he's putting my safety (while driving and texting) at risk. It's hard to have a relationship with someone who would rather be talking to other people all the time.

Just to clear up: I'm not at all worried that he's cheating. I can usually see his phone and know the person he is talking to.

Am I overreacting or is there a better way that I can deal with this? Please help!

– Tired of Cell Phones, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I'm writing with a question about my boyfriend. We've been together just under a year and things are great. He's funny, smart, cute, etc., and I know there's serious long-term potential.

Recently, my boyfriend bought a condo. We've talked about our future together and it's pretty much assumed that I'll move in with him when my lease is up next year.

My problem is about the fact that we're total opposites. I'm super organized and like to tackle things right away, whereas my boyfriend has a more laid-back approach. He's been moved in for a few weeks and has no problem with the boxes in the spare bedroom, or the fact that he doesn't have a living room set. We were supposed to take a big Target/Home Depot trip for the new place, but when the day came he mentioned that he didn't want to go out in the rain (this was more than a week before the hurricane) and that it wasn't a big deal. Well, it was a big deal to me.

I know it's not my condo, but I'm there quite a bit and I'm the type of person who just wants things settled. I'm wondering why he's dragging his feet, and he's thinking he has all the time in the world. And he does; this is going to be his house for a long time. But it's also going to be my home someday and I just want to see it start to look like one. I know he has time and that it's his place to do what he wants with it, and that this is really more about a difference in our personalities, but is there anything I can say to him to let me help? Any advice is appreciated!

– Just Trying to Help, JP

Q: Hi Meredith,

I was wondering if you could elaborate some more on your response to a recent love letter:

"I've always been told that I should do whatever makes me happy."

Who told you that? They don't even say that to little kids on "Sesame Street." Please wipe that piece of advice from your brain. It doesn't make any sense and it's turned you into an entitled liar.

I was recently fed the same line by my boyfriend, who has convinced himself he is unhappy in our relationship because of a recent fight we had. It makes perfect sense in his mind -- why stay in a relationship that isn't making him happy? I've tried to tell him that all relationships involve good and bad, ups and downs, and that no relationship is perfect. It will never be 100% happy, 0% fighting. But he isn't convinced. He still says his happiness takes priority, and since he can only be happy if there is zero fighting, he is ready to walk away. I don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

– Not Making Sense, Boston

Q: About 6 months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of several years. It was clear we were on different paths and wanted different things in life so we decided to part ways. It was a very mature break-up, but was painful nonetheless. I've tried to stay positive about things and embrace my new found freedom.

Fast forward six months -- I've relocated to the Boston area and landed a great new job! Everything is going really well in my professional life. In my love life, errrrr, not so much.
Recently, I decided I was ready to start dating again, so I joined Match.com. Truth be told, I would prefer to date the natural way, but I've found that I'm not meeting new men in my day-to-day life, even being in a new area. I don't have many single girlfriends to go out on the town with. All of my friends are married or in serious relationships. Also, I work in a very small office, so there are really no prospects there (I met my last ex at work, but we worked for a very large company).

I've been out on dates with three guys since then. The first dates have all gone fine, but I find myself losing interest quickly after that. I don't feel any connection with these men. I feel like I'm wasting both my time and theirs by continuing to pursue it, so I usually drop it around date #3. I understand that I'm not going to have a deep connection with these men right off the bat, that something like that needs time to develop. But shouldn't I be feeling something at least?

– Dating, Mass.

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have a dating dilemma. For more than 10 years I have dated women. My last relationship of several years ended and I started to consider men again. My family and friends are supportive no matter who I date so it's not that I feel pressured to date men by any means.

Recently I decided to go out with a guy. I was up front at the get-go that I have dated women and men. I thought it made more sense to at least put it out there so that he wouldn't be blindsided down the road.

I am really attracted to him and we plan to see each other again. So here is my dilemma: I'm scared to let myself date him because I'm not sure if we'll have chemistry physically or if I'll come to the conclusion that I'd prefer to date a woman. I also don't want to hurt him if this turns out to be true. But I have found myself excited about seeing him again, and part of me wants to let go and just see what happens.

– Confused, Massachusetts

Q: Hi Meredith,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. It was mostly mutual and we agree that we need some serious time apart. The problem is that we have the same group of friends. My best girlfriend has become his best friend as well. My boyfriend and I broke up about almost a year ago, then got back together, and finally broke up again. While we were apart before, I had a lot of trouble dealing with my friend hanging around him all the time and not being more supportive of me. Whenever I cry on her shoulder, now or then, she is fully supportive of me, saying how wrong he was and how he didn't treat me right and he doesn't know how to compromise. Then she turns around and is his best friend.

They spend a lot of time together, alone and with a group. I admit that I am completely jealous, and though I know that there is absolutely nothing romantic going on at all, I hate that they are so close. I feel like I can't trust her as a best friend who tells me he's the jerk while she remains best friends with him. My friends feel like I can't ask them to choose between us -- we are all friends -- however I feel like she owes more to me since I was the one dumped (the first breakup at least), we've been friends longer, and we're both females. She feels that she is an equal friend to both of us and that means hanging out with whoever calls her first and that sort of thing.

She is having a party at her house and claims that it's inappropriate of me to ask her not to invite him. It's only been two weeks since we broke up, and I went away both weekends to give everyone space. I now want to spend time with my friends and not have him around since he had that opportunity the last two weeks. My friends think I'm asking too much, my family thinks I'm right to expect her to be more on my side. I want an impartial opinion.

– Lonely, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

I am a mid-20s med student who is currently seeing a mid-30s divorced executive with two kids. He lives in Boston but travels extensively. Ever since I moved for medical school a year ago, we have been in a long distance relationship. Because of both of our schedules, we haven't spent a lot of time together in person, but we communicate either through phone, text, email or Skype, every day. He is a wonderful, genuine, and caring person who has never made me feel the age difference. We seem to be extremely compatible on a multitude of levels -- intellectually, sexually, and we have similar outlooks and opinions on many things. (He even introduced me to Love Letters a year ago, and ever since, I've thought about writing in). And as wonderful as the constant technological communication is, it is obviously no replacement for actual time spent together. It's been particularly hard for me, maybe because I'm not as used to being away from the people I love as he is (considering he travels so much). Also, I am not certain of where I will wind up working after school. As far as the future goes, how realistic do you think it is to continue seeing each other, all things considered?

– Wishing I Was in Boston

Q: Here's the background: We're both in our early 30s, have been together about 2 years, lived together about 1, and up until recently things have been wonderful. We laugh together, we have similar interests, we take care of each other, we love each other very much, and he's good to me. We've talked casually about marriage but neither of us is in a big rush. We want to make sure it's right. I should also mention that he is my longest relationship to date. And now I'm glad that we didn't dive into matrimony.

He's strong-willed and opinionated, and it's something I've known since day one. In a way, I've liked it because I'm the exact opposite and I think he's taught me how to stand up for myself more. But as I'm learning to fight more for what I want, I'm also now learning that he's not willing to budge an inch when our opinions differ. Some of it is no-big-deal "men are from Mars" things like leaving the toilet seat up, and others are somewhat-big-deal things like the physical intimacy is always on his terms. (If he's tired, forget it. If I'm tired, I get coerced into it.) There are also a lot of -- "It really stresses me out and upsets me when you do XYZ. Can you please try not to do it?" -- moments.

Regardless of the issue, it's always the same outcome. He insists that the offense isn't a big deal and shouldn't upset me. Or when I tell him I'm bothered he gives me the eye roll, a big huffy exhale, and "Honey ..."

I've tried to explain that though he can easily control his actions it's much harder for me to control what upsets me or doesn't. But in his eyes, I'm asking him to believe that his actions are bad/need changing, and not asking him to just not do something that upsets me, stupid or not. So he resists wholeheartedly.

Each individual instance is yawn-worthy, but collectively it's wearing on me and our relationship, and now the smallest things set me off. I've been thinking hard about ending things, since talking it out never seems to get me anywhere, but I can't shake the feeling that he really is "Mr. Right" and we just need to keep working through it until we figure out how to fight productively. I also wonder if I really AM over-reacting and if I should chill out and cut him some slack. Am I the one who needs a talking to? Or am in denial that we're a wrong fit? Help!

– No Give and Take, Boston

Q: "Gus" and I were together for four years and broke up at the beginning of this year. I still love him, haven't felt a connection like that with anyone else, but we had plenty of ups and downs over the course of the relationship. The last couple of months prior to the breakup were worse than usual with more fighting and bickering. This was partly due to stress from my work in school and the fact that I felt like he didn't include me very often in his social plans. Of course, I acknowledge I was to blame, as well. We did not live together. He's 30, I'm 29. We both had plans for marriage and kids.

There was a moment of infidelity on my part, which was the reason for the breakup. I never tried to justify it, but I was truly ashamed and wanted to work on things. I ultimately respected his wishes and we parted ways. I tried my best to move on, finally going on a few dates, surrounding myself with a few close friends, but I had a hard time getting over him, still missing him very much. About two months after breaking up, he contacted me (via email) stating that he was seeing someone but that he continued to think about us. We agreed to meet up for coffee and we were able to laugh together and talk about the good times. We didn't discuss the elephants in the room -- infidelity or his girlfriend -- but from then on we texted constantly, phoned a few times, and would make occasional plans to get together for dinner/movies. Most recently we became physical, with him initiating the first move.

He has said he doesn't want to be pressured into a decision about me because he doesn't want to get back into a situation where we would be unhappy again. This whole time I never pressured him. But I finally made it clear that for everyone involved, he needs to make up his mind as I can't continue to put my life on hold while he decides what he wants. It most certainly isn't fair to her. He indicated to me that he had some commitments with her he felt he had to honor but remained vague about the details and would not give me a specific time frame.

At this point, I feel like he's just appeasing me by saying he needs more time and I wonder whether he has any intention of ending things with her. Do I have the right to insist that he immediately break it off with her if he's serious about us? Should I cease communication altogether until his decision is made? Should I just walk away even though deep down I want us to be together?

– Tired of Waiting, Boston

Q: "Brian" and I have been together for about a year. I'm in my early 30s and he's in his mid-40s. We had a friendly work relationship for several years. When my husband suddenly left me, Brian, who is divorced, was very supportive. We became lovers and he was my knight in shining armor during the worst period of my life. Things eventually got serious. Now we're inseparable. We spend every weekend together – mostly at his vacation house nearby. We take vacations when our kids are not with us. He regularly invites my friends and family to his beach house and is very generous with them. He recently asked me (and my kids) to move in with him.

I love the time we spend together, but something bothers me. I feel like I'm living his life, not mine. We talk a lot about his work. We spend time at his houses, and now he wants me to move into his house. If I want to do something that doesn't interest him, he suddenly has to work or do something with his kids. If I suggest something that prevents him from going to his vacation house, he won’t do it. It's not that I don’t like going down there, but can’t we do something that’s my idea once in a while?

This extends to my family and friends, too. Every time one of them invites us to a get together, he seems to have an excuse not to go. He's OK with me going by myself but he won't go with me. When he has gone, he's been uncomfortable. He loves to have my friends and family on his turf and he's a totally different person in those situations.

I was also upset with him last summer when one of my close relatives was seriously ill. This relative had to have a procedure in Boston and I wanted my boyfriend to come with me for support. Instead, he stayed home. He did call in occasionally to check on things but it wasn't the same as him being there.

It seems that if something isn't about him or his interests, he's won’t do it. He’s even like that with kids. Brian gets this glazed look in his eyes when they talk about what happened in school, but if they talk about one of his interests, he's all ears. I've also noticed that his kids don’t seem to have any hobbies that don't match one of Brian's interests.

I've tried addressing this issue with him but every time I bring it up, he always argues something like "I thought you liked going to the beach" and then accuses me of being ungrateful. He also thinks I don't understand how busy he is with work and his kids. But if he has time to go to the beach regularly, is he really sacrificing something that important to do something on my terms?

I don't know, maybe he's right. Maybe I expect too much of him. He is very generous and very busy with work and his kids. Brian is everything I’ve looked for -- smart, ambitious, adventurous and much more -- and I'm very much in love with him. We have a nice life and we have a lot of fun together. Should I just be grateful for what I have or potentially ruin a good thing by expecting more?

– Why Can't It Ever Be About Me?, Boston