Dear Becca and Casey,

I just found out that my mother-in-law to be is bringing a date, even though we made clear there are no dates allowed. My fiance's parents had a messy divorce, and the last thing I want to do is see old wounds opened up during the wedding.

Help, Nixing the In-Laws and Exes

Dear Nixing,

Sadly, from an etiquette standpoint, I'm afraid this is something that you frankly don't have much control over. Although it might make for a tough moment or two for you and your future husband, it's out of your hands. I would suggest politely asking again for his parents to respect your no date policy, but after that it's up to them to decide what they're going to do. Treat it as an opportunity for you and your spouse to grow together. Talk openly and frequently. Perhaps a family counseling meeting with your rabbi, pastor, or local therapist is in order. The bottom line is communication is vital in such emotionally charged times. And letting go of what you can't control is just as important.

Good Luck,
Becca

Dear Becca and Casey,

Confused about Cocktails

Dear Confused,

My answer may be surprising from the photographer's perspective, but I am not a fan of extended cocktail hours. It is generally accepted that cocktail hours should be just that - an hour - and can occasionally extend to an hour and a half. Any longer than that, and guests will begin to be hungry and bored. Other important considerations for cocktail hour: there should be drinks for all of the guests, including guests who prefer nonalchoholic beverages. There should be enough snacks to go around - it's never a good idea to serve drinks for hours to guests with empty stomachs! It's also a good idea to include some kind of activity. If you're having an outdoor wedding it can be a great time for lawn games.

Any photographer worth their fee should be able to get all of the family photos done in the time allotted. I am always careful to take as many photos as possible before the ceremony, and to have everyone ready to go so that the family groups can be formed as quickly as possible. Another important consideration is to take the photos somewhere close to the reception venue - driving everyone around to different locations for photos eats up tons of time!

Talk to your photographer and see what they think. There are always ways to fit the photos into the timeline, and it's really important to take your guests comfort into consideration!

Best of luck,
Casey

Dear Becca and Casey,

Defending my daughter

Dear DD,

You're not exactly out of line, but you may need a perspective correction. While I can understand where you're coming from, at the end of day the bride and groom have decided to invite children for the ceremony only and it's their call to make. I'm sure they have their reasons and that the decision was not easy. As you are a member of the family, I say take the high road, swallow the inconvenience. and accept your daughter's participation as a gesture of inclusion and love. Your sole purpose as guest is to celebrate the couple as best you can, while you can. I know when I was growing up it was adventure enough to have a night in a dress, even with a babysitter!

Best of luck,
Becca

Hello Ladies!

Thanks!
Plus-One Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

This is a great question - the "and guest" debate can get pretty heated! The standard etiquette is that spouses, fiances, and live-in partners should be invited to attend the wedding. From there, it is up to the discretion of the bride and groom. Long-term boyfriends or girlfriends are up to you, but it's usually a good idea to make one rule and stick with it to keep things fair.

Since it is your wedding (and your budget), you are definitely not being unfair by mentioning it to them. It's possible that they just didn't look closely at the invitation and didn't realize that they weren't asked to bring a date. Anna Post says in the famous Emily Post guidelines, "It's not okay for guests to ask you to make exceptions, so it won't be rude in the least to stand by your guest list." Of course you can do this as politely as possible, simply by letting them know that you wish you could accommodate their date, but your budget simply won't allow for it. As friends of yours, they should understand!

Best of luck!
Casey

P.S. It's not an official rule, but I always think it's kind to make an exception for someone who won't know anyone else at the wedding. Receptions can be lonely without a dance partner! :)

Dear Becca and Casey,

I'm one of last of my friends to take the plunge, and it seems there are SO many more outlets now for inspiration even than just 3 years ago. Between my daily check-ins to SMP, Once Wed and Pinterest, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with details and projects. Do you know if this is something I can hire a planner to take care of?

Thanks, Detailed in Boston

Oh, not to fret Ms. Detailed in Boston,

As a recent bride myself, and being in the industry, I can remember clearly just how overwhelming the planning process can be. Do we have the right container for the iced lemonade with a cute enough saying on the label? Are the cocktail straws the right shade of grey to compliment the napkins? These little things can keep your head spinning in a details abyss if you're not careful!

Don't get me wrong, I love the unbelievable creativity that pours through my Pinterest feed every hour, but it's also super easy to lose track of what the wedding is all about in the first place.

If details get you in a tizzy, then I highly recommend two steps: 1. You do hire a planner to help you organize your details---there are plenty of planners and wedding stylists/designers in the area that specialize in organizing all the odds and ends. And 2. Start the tradition of iPhone and wedding-talk free date nights; full of romance and your daily sharing of stress free moments with your love. I truly believe that getting intimate about the details of you two while ditching the wedding for a night is key to remaining sane throughout the planning process. After all, it may be hard to see in the planning stages, but the marriage only begins once the wedding's over.

Best of Luck,
Becca

Dear Becca and Casey,

Cheers,
Engaged and Confused

Dear Engaged and Confused,

I get this question from pretty much every single one of my couples! Engagement photos are totally optional (at least with my packages they are - but some photographers include them with every package). Some couples want photos to use for their save-the-dates or for their wedding website, and some couples just want to have some nice photos of themselves dressed in non-wedding attire. All of those are great reasons to have engagement photos taken!

Personally, I think the best reason to take engagement photos is to get comfortable with having your photo taken. For most people, their wedding is the first time that they are being professionally photographed. Some people don't realize that it can be a little uncomfortable! Even I, as a photographer, can forget how strange it feels to look into a camera and smile. Engagement photos are a great, low-pressure way to get used to the idea of being posed and having your photo taken. It's a great chance to get more comfortable with your photographer as well, and to get to know the way they work and shoot. It can make all the difference on the wedding day!

Another thing to consider is that engagement photos can be a good opportunity to capture a place that is special to you two that you might not be able to access on the wedding day. I've done engagement shoots on boats, in parks, in coffee shops, and lots of other places that might not be easily accessible to a bride in a big white dress. You can also use engagement photos to capture a season you love (maybe you're getting married in July but you love fall in New England)!

Best of luck, and congratulations!

Casey

photo via
Dear Becca and Casey,

I'm writing in as the maid of honor to a bride. I live here in Boston, and she is all the way in St. Louis. I am having a hard time taking on the shower alone, however I fear that it is too burdensome to ask the other maids who live in St Louis to take over the planning. Am I thinking too much?

Thanks, Cross Country MOH

Dear Cross Country MOH,

When it comes to shower planning you should 100% ask for help. If I were to put myself in the position of the other maids as a local to a bride, I would happily step up to the plate to help host. According to Emily Post online, "Must the bridesmaids host a shower?
Contrary to popular belief, the maid/matron of honor and the bridesmaids are not required to host a shower as part of their official responsibilities, though they certainly can if they want to.​" So there, you heard it straight from the horses mouth, you're not even required to host, although it is a nice gesture to help in the process. Perhaps you can work on some of the decorating ideas and invitations from afar.

​I hope you feel at ease asking for help, because by all means, you should!

Dear Becca and Casey,

Best,
Beachy Bride

Dear Beachy,

This is a really good question! I know lots of brides with destination weddings struggle with the same thing. There are lots of things to consider:

- Different vendors come with different considerations. For example, it might seem easier for a photographer to travel than for a floral designer to travel, but both can and do. Florists can find a flower market no matter where the wedding is located, and photographers can pack up their equipment and bring it along.
- Since you will be avoiding travel fees (which can add up), it makes the most financial sense to try to find vendors local to where your wedding will be. Shop around!
- I think it's important to support the community where your wedding is located, so it can be really great to work with local people. They will also know the area, will probably have worked at your venue before, and will be familiar with local resources (spots for photos, where to hook up their sound equipment, etc).
- One really important thing to consider is work permits. For weddings outside the US, you must do some research and see if the country requires your vendors to provide a work permit. Most do, and your vendors can get in some major trouble for working in another country without permission.

There really are pros and cons to both approaches. If you aren't finding anyone in the Dominican whose work you are attracted to, you should definitely consider flying someone out. Make sure to do some good research first, though - there are great vendors everywhere! And make sure NOT to forget to research permits for your vendors - you don't want them locked up in customs while your wedding is starting! :)

Best of luck,
Casey

Dear Becca and Casey,

Cheers,
Laid-Back Bride

Dear Laid-Back Bride,

Thanks for writing! I definitely do not consider shot lists mandatory, and I do not specifically request them from my clients. Every photographer has a list in their head of the "don't-miss" shots (dress, shoes, standard family groupings, etc.), and they are careful to capture these moments.

What I do suggest is creating a short list of things that are unique to your wedding. If you spent weeks making a custom display of photos that will be in a corner of the reception, or if there is a scrap of fabric from your Grandma's dress sewn into the lining of yours, it can be helpful to give your photographer a heads-up. Likewise, if you have fifteen aunts and uncles and want photos taken with each of them, it can be helpful to make a list of family photos that we can cross off as we go.

A huge shot list can even be detrimental to your photographer, as it can limit the amount of time they have to take candid and creative shots of your wedding day. A brief one warning the photographer about out-of-the-ordinary shots should be all you need!

Best of luck!

Casey

>Photo by Hello Love Photography

Dear Inspired,

My fiance and I would like to ask a family member from each side of our families to do a reading. I'm having the hardest time choosing between the many aunts and uncles in my extended family. I feel there are hurt feelings inevitably on the way. Any tips on sidestepping this ugly part of the process?

Thanks,
Family Matters

Dear Family Matters,

This is a tough one to learn, and I did the hard way, but I think hurt feelings, despite the best intentions, can be difficult to avoid in such an emotionally charged situation. Knowing, though, that they come with the territory, the best thing to do is talk openly with each family member and explain the situation. Be as transparent as possible. It takes courage, but that courage leads to growth, and that's what getting married is all about. You've gotta break eggs to make omelettes. Ultimately you will be happy the day of your wedding that you handled the topic with thoughtful and candid conversation.

Best of luck,
Becca