Boston.com / Your Life

Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:03PM	Hi and welcome to the parenting chat. I'm happy to entertain questions on just about any subject, any age.....Sometimes I may suggest that you email me to receive a copy of a column I've written. My email is meltz@globe.com.
standing up 12:06PM	My son is 3 1/2 years old. He's been potty trained for the last 3 months. All of a sudden he's decided that boys only stand going to the bathroom and do not sit. It's causing him problems, constipation among them. Any suggestions?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:09PM	Standing up, Withholding is a very common problem at this age; it's one of the few ways children can exercise control over a world in which they often feel powerless. The more you make an issue of it (scolding, insisting, just plain talking about it a lot), the more he will want to exercise that control. I'd try dropping the subject altogether and see if that helps. On the other hand, constipation can be a serious problem, so I'd also check with the pediatrician. There also is a wonderful toiletting clinic at Children's Hospital that deals exclusively with these kinds of problem. Might be worth a phone call to them, too.
Willy's Mom 12:09PM	What's going on that kids are not aware of the consequences of their actions (i.e., Weston incident, Hopkinton girl found in Rome)? Are parents just giving, giving, giving their children too much?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:11PM	Willy's mom, this is certainly a big question these days, isn't it? Wish I had some easy answers. I'm happy to post anyone's comments on this, but given the long queue of more practical questions in this chat, I'm gonna put my time into them.
lorimar 12:11PM	Barbara, can you recommend any books that I can read to help understand what my 12-year old boy is going through, hormonally, socially, emotionally, etc.....??
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:14PM	Iorimar, there are many wonderful books on preteens and on boys. Here are a few of my favorites: Startr with this one: "Raising Cain" by Michael Thompson (the single best book about boys); also Bill Pollock's book (can't think of the name) is very good. Our Last Best Shot by Laura Sessions Stepp is about preteens, and so is, "The Roller Coaster Years, by Margaret Sagarese and a brand new book by Mike Riera called "How to communicate with your teens.
MaddieDaddy 12:15PM	Barbara, I have two questions: 1) at what age should my wife and I begin to worry about our daughter's use of her pacifier? She's 27 months now and we've limited it to nap and bed time only but we're not sure how to move on from here. 2) She has also begun to have nightmares and wakes up very upset and needs to come in to our bed...any suggestions?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:18PM	Maddie Daddie, both this issues depend a lot on how much you, as parents, are bothered. Giving up the pacifer is a social issue, not so much a developmental one. The more you let it be her agenda (that is, when she's ready, she'll give it up on her own), the less struggle there will be around it. If you hate to see it, then you need to find some substitute lovey object that will give her comfort. Her thumb? A blankie? As for the sleep, again, how much do you hate having her in your bed? Sounds like you do, so you need to have the patience and consistency and presence of mind to return her to her own bed and stay with her until she settles back down and can get to sleep again. She's really too young for any other strategy I can think of.
JT 12:19PM	My son is a senior in high school. He did well in his SATs, passed MCAS, but decided not to do much in way of participating in everyday class. He is in danger of not graduating. We (his teachers and I) are at a loss as to why he shut down and doesn't seem to care. If he doesn't graduate, then what?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:21PM	JT, needless to say, I can't think of much you can do about it at this point in the year. I would rely on the guidance of the school professionals to find some way for him to get a GED. I also can't' help but wonder if there were warning signs during the year that all of you missed and if he might not benefit from a conversation or two or three with a mental health practitioner.
Dave 12:22PM	I have a 14 yr old step son who is rather lazy and irresponsible. When asked to do chores or tasks, he tends to either do them sloppily or incompletely. This frustrates his mother to the point that she takes over and completes the job. How can we motivate him to actually do the task correctly ("correctly" is described to him), and how to keep his mother from enabling this behavior?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:24PM	Dave, I think the nature of 14 year olds is to do things in a "lazy" fashion, at least by parents' standards. My only suggestion is to make very clear limits: describe the task as you want it completed in very specific details; set a clear time frame for when it is to be completed; and set clear consequences for non compliance. You're right that his mother is an enabler if she does the job for him, and that really doesn't do him any favors. (I hate to say how many parents I know who do the same thing, ahem!). I also think that, as a step father, you're better off not getting involved, unless you have been his step father for many years.
daddy-Oh 12:24PM	Barbara, I have an 8 year old who has a real problem with winning and (especially) losing. Any secrets to turning this competitiveness around into something useful?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:27PM	Daddy-oh, Some of this is developmental, esp among boys, and you, too, might benefit from reading Michael Thompson's book, "Raising Cain," which, if I remember correctly, has a section on this. Meanwhile, try not to feed into it. Examine your own behavior -- what do you and your wife model around winning, whether it's in your daily life or your reaction to a game on TV? Have converstions with him about it to stress your values. Let him know you don't like his need to always win. Etc.
VJane 12:27PM	My 4.5 year old daughter's teacher says she "spaces out" a lot in class especially in groups. The teacher says she may require OT (Occupational Therapy)., and should be evaluated. What is it about OT that could help her?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:28PM	VJane, I don't feel qualified to really answer, but my guess is that it will help her with attention span and staying on task. As an aside, I would certainly follow the advice and at least seek a consultation. You probably can do that through the school system.
EO 12:28PM	My 10 year old son who had no problem flying to Florida a few years ago has developed an intense fear of flying since the September 11 attacks. We are planning a trip to San Diego for a wedding in August and this will be his first time back on a plane. He is adamant about not going and we are afraid he will be in hysterics when we board the plane. Talking to him about it doesn’t seem to do much. Any help would be appreciated.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:33PM	EO, this is tough. My best thought is to be honest with him and, first of all, to validate that flying is scarier now, since 9/11. Also to talk about all the changes that the government and the airline industry have put into place to make flying safer. Be very concrete. I wonder if a visit to the airport to see some of the changes might help. Short of that, I would not force him to go and I would talk with him about what it would mean to not go: where would he stay? How would he feel, missing out on this family event? I would give him a lot of control over the decision, rather than insisting that he has to go. That alone may help. On the other hand, a fear like this is very real and may not go away on its own. I would also consider getting a professional consultation with a psychologist, esp someone who specializes in fears. The Mass Psychological Ass (781.263.0080) might be a place to start.
Gordon 12:33PM	Barbara, My 14 year old 8th grader his having real problems in school getting harassed by another student or two. It is multipling has this student gets more kids ganging up with her. I have addresssed this with the school several time and they don't seem to be much help. The say they need concrete evidence! What can I do?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:37PM	Gordon, I can only imagine how upsetting that must be to you. Makes me see red that they aren't being of much help. Have you had a sit-down meeting with the principal, guidance counsellor, etc? Bullying in schools is a huge issue these days and it's hard for me to imagine they are not able to be more helpful. I suggest you try again. See why they are not able to be more helpful. Talk more with your daugther. What does she think is the reason this is happening? Is she part of the problem? These are tough problems and I don't know of any easy solutions. Sorry not to be more helpful. There's also a brand new book out by Tara Kather, Bullies in the School Yard. Maybe that will be helpful.
bossam 12:37PM	This is not a huge problem, but any suggestions as to how to tell our 6 yr old boy we don't want to get an xbox or other video games?
Gordon 12:37PM	If I did not specify 14 year old daughter.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:38PM	Gordon, girls really can do a number on each other. Check out the column I wrote about a month ago on this issue.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:42PM	Bossam, Just say no! Actually, I think this is a big problem, part of what leads down the road to the entitlement that kids end up feeling. Let your son know why you don't like these games (they're too violent), that they are not something you want to have in your family. Kids get that. They may protest and insist that other kids have them. Learn to tolerate his unhappiness, that's part of being a parent! Good answer: In our family, we don't believe in these kinds of games. Period. Don't be afarid to stand by your values. And by the way, I absolutely think you are making the right decision to not want these games for him. Look for my column next week on the subject of video games.
wanda 12:42PM	Barbara: I'm living through the stage of one-word answers to questions to my 13-year-old boy about school, friends, girls, and sometimes life in general. Attempts to talk about sex are particularly hard, met with "I can't talk about this!" even when I offer to get books or steer him to his dad. Does the old "keep trying" advice hold or should I try something different?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:45PM	Wanda, there's a fine balance between keep trying -- which, yes, I think is very important -- and bugging him. I'd say clearly, I don't want to bug you about this, so I'm not going to keep asking you questions, but I just want to make sure you know that if you ever chang eyour mind and have any questions, it's OK to ask me. This is very sensitive territory for kids this age, esp boys. You don't want to turn him off with what comes across to him as intrusiveness. On the other hand, you don't want to leave him out there on his own. So come back at it in 3 months or so. He could be a different person by then. Or not!
mom 12:45PM	I don't know if this question belongs to this column, if it doesn't that's fine. What suggestions can you give me to deal with a very critical and over sensitive mother-in-law (my baby is 6 months old)?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:46PM	Mom, I don't have any easy answers for you, but I'd love to write a column about this. Email me if you'd be willing to be interviewed. (meltz@globe.com). Actually, I may have written about this years ago and I would be happy to try to dig it up if you email me about that, too.
momoftwo' 12:46PM	My daughter turned 5 in March and has no desire to stop wearing a pull up at night. She has been "day trained" for almost two years now - although in times of stree she sometimes has a period of accidents. Should would just wait it out? We don't pressure her about getting rid of the pull ups at all.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:48PM	Mom of two, 5 is getting up there. Is she going into kindergarten? I would keep an eye on it over the summer, suggesting to her that this mighit be a good time to make the change. At this age, she may be able to say, I want to stop by July 4 (for instance) and just do it. However, if she continues to have frequent accidents, that may be a medical issue. I would talk to your pediatrician, and maybe even to the toiletting clinic folks at Childraen's Hospital.
CT 12:48PM	We have three kids and live in a town with decent public schools. We could afford to move to a town with better public schools but wer are well established in our town. All of our kids are 5 and under. I think parents are hyper competitive for schools -- how is this affecting our kids? We may move just for the schools.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:50PM	CT, there's no way I can evaluate your decision for you except to agree that, yes, parents today are incredibly hype competitive and I'm not sure that it's a good thing for our children. There are books written on this subject, and I've done some columns that tangentally talk about it. "Silver Spoon Kids" byu Gallo is one book that comes to mind.
Buzzby 12:51PM	Regarding the advice to Dave - my 10 year old causes a similar sort of problem. The difficulty comes about on the consequences. Very often she doesn't have anything she wants to do other than stay home and play. So there seem to be few privileges, denial of which can be used as a consequence. What are some ideas for the consequences of not doing a job properly (other than the incessant nagging inflicted by the parents) ?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:53PM	Buzzby, the best consequences are ones that are related to the misdeed and that matter to the child. Another good one is removal of yourself, the parent, from an activity that you were going to do together, or even just from the room: "I can't be with you right now, I'm so disappointed." Nagging never helps, even though that doesn't stop any of us from doing it!!
cmabes 12:53PM	Hello, My 2 1/2 year old daughter has a new habit of picking and biting at her fingernails. Its a habit that has been intensifying and she will do this in the middle of other activities going on. Her attention is taken away from whatever is going on and focuses on biting her nails and picking at her cuticles to the point where they bleed. We've tried not to call attention to it and have tried putting band-aids on. My question to you is, Is this something to worry about, will she grow out of it, or is it a manifestation of something greater that we should investigate?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:54PM	Cmabes, nervous habits are a problem that can be life-long. Email me for a column I wrote about this and I'll send it out to you.
BikeMom 12:55PM	Barbara, we are dealing with incessant sibling bickering. I have 14 y/o son and 10.5 y/o daughter, very different personalities. It's difficult to have a meal together without one pushing the other's buttons. When they are doing something they like together, like playing outside or at the beach (usually if it's only the two of them), they are fine. But at home, it's a constant battle. I'm looking for suggestions for them, as well as for my tolerance level, which is VERY low ;-)
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:55PM	BikeMom, there's no short answer to this one, I'm afraid. There are a few books on sibs that deal with bickering and I may have a column I've written on it; email me and I'll try to find it.
Robert's Mom 12:56PM	Barbara, I have a 3 year old who is extremely active and very independent. We've been challenged in terms of disciplining him - nothing seems to work - are there an publications, articles or methods you could recommend to research that may work to assist us with discipline.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:58PM	Robert's Mom , there's a psychologist at the Unviersity of Minnesota named Linda Budd who has a website, newsletter, even a book, I think. I don't know the website, maybe yuou can do a search. A book by Stanley Turecki called tThe Difficult Child, revised edition, may be helpful.
Momof3 12:58PM	Complicated question: What would you tell an 8 yr old girl who is compliant and a rule follower who wants to go to the principal and turn in a friend who was writing on bathroom walls (the principal asked anyone who knew anything to come to him). On one hand, it is the right thing to do... on the other, not great for friendship... at least she came to me first. I told her to talk to the girl first... she did and the girl was NOT going to turn herself in.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 01:03PM	Momof3, You're right this is complicated. Given all that is going on in our society these days (WEston HS just this week), I would find it hard (immoral?) to tell her not to do anything. Why would an 8 year old deface public property, anyway? Should you call the parents instead? Should you talk to the principal yourself and get some guidance on how to help her do the right thing?
SB 01:04PM	My 8-yr-old so wants to see the movie Holes. He tells me most of the kids in his class have seen it (2nd grade). I have read the book to him and I'm afraid (though not convinced) that some parts might be too scary. I have told him this, but he still adamently wants to see it. We have limited his seeing movies in general. Any advice?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 01:05PM	SB, you know better than he does. Explain to him that it is your job as parents to protect him and keep him safe. Some movies are just too scary. Pull up the review, that might help explain it ( I think it said there were some scary parts). But in the end, you may just have to tolerate his unhappiness.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 01:06PM	My time is up, sorry to not be able to get to all your questions. There were some really challenging ones here today! Good luck.
mcmaster1969 01:07PM	Not a question, some information for EO. A few years ago (pre-911) my adult sister attended a clinic at Logan Airport on fear of flying and found it extremely useful. Her fear has faded quite a bit. I don't know if they are still holding those clinics. One of the suggestions was to bring something concrete on the flight - cards, a small object, to focus on in front of you. Another was to think about how normal everything was as it happened.