Boston.com / Your Life

Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:01PM	Hello parents (and grandparents, aunts, uncles etc), I'm open for questions!
alix 12:02PM	Barbara, hope I've doing this correcttly. I am a parent of one bright 3.5 year old girl and we've been looking at the Waldorf School. They have an interesting view of learning, that ties in interestingly with the article on TV you wrote
daddio 12:02PM	So ...ihave a 7 yr old boy who happened to walk in on mommy and daddy making love....how should we handle this moving forward?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:06PM	Daddio, Well, for starters, make sure you close the door next time! And if he walked in on a closed door, next time, lock it! Meanwhile, were it to happen again: Cover yourselves quickly but calmly. In a matter of fact tone, tell him that you were having private adult time together, find out what he wants, then ask him to wait outside the (closed) door while you get your bathrobe. If you haven't already, a simple follow up is a good idea. Studies show that kids who walk in on parents having sex tend to to interpret the behavior as violent, so you want to undo that thinking if it's there. For instance, jsut say simply, "When you came in, we were having sex. It's a way that grown-ups like to show that we love each other." Give him a chance to ask questions, then move on.
Nana 12:07PM	My granddaughter has 2 sets of grandparents living close enough to be involved in her life almost on a daily basis. There is a very different approach to child rearing on both sides. My daughter is not willing to set limits with the more permissive grandparents. I find that my grandduaghter, age 2.5, is becoming extremely demanding. How can I impact the situation without causing family strife?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:11PM	Nana, I think you may have answered your own question. Can you do this without causing fmaily strife? Only you know that. But it;s hard to know for sure whether it is worth it for you to insert yourself anyway. Children are able to handle different styles from different grandparents, even from different parents. Probably what you are seeing is tied more to your granddaughter's stage of development than to anything else, where she is trying to exert control: figure out how much she has, and when and why limits will be set. Thus, this clearly is a stage in which parents serve a child best when they are able to offer her choices and give her control over appropriate situations (do you want to wear the blue sweater or the red one) but also when they need to be clear about limits and consequences.
twingirldad 12:12PM	two girls (2yr,9mos), one sleeps like a rock, the other is up every two hours crying for a toy or a drink,etc even though she knows they are all within reach. We've gotten much better about not reacting to her every whim, but I'm concerned about her affect on her sister. Should I put them in separate bedrooms to minimize the constant interruptions to the sleep of the "rock" child?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:14PM	Twirling dad, there are lots of benefits for sibs to share a room. If she sleeps through all this, I wouldn't change anything. If she wakes up and isn't able to get back to sleep, or wakes up, goes back to sleep but complains about it the next day, then make a change. You can always reunite them when they are a little older.
Holly 12:14PM	Hi Barbara, Toilet Training question: My son is almost 4 and he wears underwear during the day and finally started wearing them at night too. He almost never has full-blown accidents, but he will sometimes wait until he's "leaked" through his clothes and has to be changed. Obviously he has the control; what can we do to get him to take the next step? When we suggest he use the bathroom he often refuses. He's fine at school. Thanks.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:18PM	Holly, sounds like this is a control issue, as in control of power. Usually toilet issues like these are best resolved when parents back off and make it a non issue. So, he's old enough to be able to change himself. The next time it happens, I would try to hand over more and more responsibility to him for cleaning up himself and chaning himself into fresh clothes. You need to do this in a matter of fact way, though, so you aren't conveying anger or punishment, maybe, "You know what? I know you're grown up enough to change your own clothes. Let me help you figure out what clean pants to wear." I might also tell him, in a separate moment, "I know you know what to do not to have accidents, so I'm going to stop bugging you about it." And then, stop.
DadOf4Kids 12:18PM	Barabara, what are the latest developments in MCAS requirement for students on IEP? Extra time? Scribers? Alphasmart usage? Specifically for students with Dx of AS? Thanks!
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:18PM	Dadof 4 kids, sorry, this is not something I'm up on.
grandmama 12:18PM	My daughter & her husband still have their 15 month old sleeping in their bed. This child has never slept in his crib. Now there is a new baby in the household. He sleeps in a bassinette in their room also. Is this normal and when should the 15 month old be in his own crib. I believe long before this.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:20PM	Grandmama, more and more new parents are choosing to have their children sleep in their bed and studies do not show any detrimental effects from it (as long as parents are able to be creative about finding other ways to be intimate). I have written a whole column on this subject; email me after the chat and I will forward it to you (meltz@globe.com).
Fan 12:20PM	Hi, I loved your article about television viewing last week. Well done!! My sister does not let her 2 year old watch TV at all, and they don't turn it on when he is awake. People have said that he will be "developmentally delayed," but I don't believe them! He is doing great, and articles like yours hopefully make people think about the ramifications of tv viewing. Have you gotten a lot of feedback on it?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:21PM	Fan, thanks so much for that comment! I've gotten scads of email on this, most of it positive, like yours. It's something I believe very strongly in.
mama 12:21PM	My son is 8 months and uses a pacifier, mostly at night. What is your opinion about what age we should start weening him off of it? I personally think its too old when I see toddlers with a "binky" in their mouth.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:25PM	Mam, you know, this really is a personal issue. There are plenty of dentists who would say you need to wean early to avoid the need for braces. What typically happens, though, is that if you wean early from the pacifer, he'll just discover his thumb. My feeling is that kids will wean themselves from pacifers, thumbs et al when they no longer have the need for them. Certainly by 12 months, you can make a point to only have the pacifer available at certain times, like bedtime, or when you know he's really fussy, and not to offer it in public. You can also try to substitute another transitional object, like a blankie or stuffed animal.
Fan 12:25PM	Grandmama, I am not sure what Barbara Meltz will say, but there are many other cultures that sleep with their children for a long time!!
New Dad J 12:26PM	My son is 3 months old and his head is really getting flat on the back side because he spends most of his time on his back. My wife says not to worry, but I'm really concerned that it won't ever round out.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:27PM	New Dad J, this is a good question for the pediatrician, I don't really know the answer. I do know that there are a number of sleep-aids for babies on the market these days that basically are sleep positioners, foam wedges that are designed (I think) for this reason and also to prevent SIDS. But you really should pick up the phone and call the pediatrician's office to set your mind at ease.
NHMom 12:28PM	My 6 year old daughter, in 1st grade is an only child and likes ALOT of attention, to the point that she insist wearing fake bandages on her hand to attract attention at school. She even was wearing fake eyeglasses the first two weeks of school, and when I asked her why, she said she likes the attention. I assumed "she'd be "making her own bed" with this behavior, but she doesnt seem to understand possible repercussions. Is this just a phase, or should I demand she cut it out? Thanks for your wisdom!
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:31PM	NHChat, This is tricky. It's one thing to like to be the center of attention, another to create lies to get it. I would have a conversation about this (not demand she stop); point out what you 've noticed, ask about how people react, talk about what are good ways to attract attention and what are bad ways. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it because it sounds like she really enjoys this, but I guess I also wouldn't , rleave it up to chance. Girls can be very cruel to each other. It'd be nice if she didn't end up on that road.
CTO 12:31PM	I also read your article on TV and am a bit concerned about my son who's 16 months. I try to limit it but my wife who's home generally leaves Noggin or other such types of shows on pretty much constantly, as does grandma, who he's with occasionally. I notice he kind of becomes less responsive when it's on, although usually it's with someone else in the room. How can I convince them to cut back or out and should I be concerned?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:33PM	CTO, well, for starters, give them the article to read. If that doesn't work, send them to the Kaiser Foundation website to read the report itself. (www.KFF.org); that ought to do it. I can't imagine any caring parent would be aware of this information and choose to keep the TV on anyway.
Adoption Mama? 12:36PM	Do you know of any events going on in Boston for National Adoption Month? I am looking for ways to learn more about adoption.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:36PM	Adoption Mama, here are two good resources for information. They both ought to be able to steer you to events. Mass Adoption Resource Exchange, 617. 536-0362;r Center for Family Connections, in Cambridge, 617.547.0909.
grandmama 12:37PM	Thank you, I am aware of other cultures sleeping with their children. When my grandson sleeps overnight at my house, he falls asleep in the pack & play and will wake up a few hours later then he wants to come into my bed with me. Of course, I let him and he is a good sleeper. I just think that if he slept in his own crib he would get used to being on his own and it would be easier on the parents.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:38PM	Well, you're right, he would get used to it. But it doesn't sound like his parents think it's hard the way it is. Seriously, email me after the chat for the column.
DadOf4Kids 12:38PM	Barbara, do you have a URL to your TV article handy for those (like me) who missed reading it? Thanks!
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:39PM	Dad of4, boston.com/yourlife/family/meltz
Elena 12:40PM	After receiving a marketing letter/packet from a private boarding school, we visited and our 8th grade daughter wants to go, mostly because she'd live away for the first time. The school has a rigorous academic program and attracts higher income families (we're not; she'd need scholarship to attend). She's an A- student but procrastinates about assignments and hasn't really had the responsibility of caring completely for herself at home. I'm worried about the harder academics, the pressure of boarding, and the different social structures. There are several good day schools where she'd do well also. Her dad feels she should make the decision. I don't want to keep her from the best choice, but I'm increasingly convinced boarding school isn't it. Should I let her go?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:45PM	Elena, Phew! That's a big question, and not something I can really advise you on. This is a family value and a lifestyle as much as anything else. The one thing I would say is this: Has she had the opportunity to stay overnight and attend some classes? I wouldn't do it without that experience, and also for you to spend time on the campus, attending a few classes, meeting kids, etc. I also wouldn't let a 14-year-old truly make this decision on her own. You all need to be comfortable with it. I know of families who never thought they would send a chidl away who say it is a wonderful experience and they are grateful they did it. I know of others who have brought a child home because he was unhappy. This truly is an individual decision. The best you can do is get all the information you can before you decide.
Mark 12:49PM	Barbara, would you happen to know of any good resources for parents of bipolar children? I'm hoping to find something along the lines of a support group, state agency, or even an online resource.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:49PM	Mark, sorry, I don't.
angela 12:49PM	I have a 2 year old that does not eat well. Now he refuses to sit in his high chair--he just climbs out. I am afraid he will fall, so I dont force the issue. Now he is sitting in a regular chair and gets up during meal time. Any suggestions on how I can get him to sit still and eat??
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:54PM	Angela, you are (as if you didn't know it) smack in the middle of some control issues. Part of the answer depends on how important it is to you that he sits still to eat, that is, that you have a "regular" mealtime. Assuming that is important, you can offer him choices: do you want to sit in the high chair, or the booster seat? Do you want the booster seat in this chair or that one? The more choices you offer (and honor), the more you (possibly) will defuse the situation. (This is true in just about any power struggle issue with this age child.) You can also try offering rewards for sitting and finishing. But the other question is: how long are you expecting him to sit there? It may be that you are expecting too much. If he eats what he needs, that's enough; don't expect him to stay until adults finish, for instance. This is a stage. It really will pass! Try to stay consistent in your expectations and limit-setting, and calm in your tone of voice. A book you might find helpful: "Eating
MOM18 12:55PM	Daughter dating an older man. How do you handle having your 18 year old date a much older man (40) - There is no legal recourse - we have tried talking to both of them regarding the relationship - but my daughter insists she is in love. She is still living at home and going to college - I don't want to tell her to leave home - should I just hope that this will work out with time?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:59PM	Mom18, Well, that surely is an older man. I agree that you don't want to tell her to leave home; that's pushing her to his arms. Other than talking to both of them about why you don't approve, there is little I think you can do. I would make it clear that you love her no matter what, that you wish she would see other friends (if she refuses to date other people). The compromise I would try to get to is that she won't consider marrying him until she finishes college. And then hope that something will happen to change her mind about him. But if he is a nice person, and not putting her in danger (drugs, cult etc), I think your hands are tied.
Henry's Mom 12:59PM	Angela, my 2 year old is doing the same. Or trying to anyway. We make sure he is good and hungry -- no after nap snacking. When this system works good, he sits longer and eats better.
SueB 12:59PM	Barbara, The column on the problems of TV's in kids rooms was WONDERFUL!!! It solidifies what I have been saying and the limits I place on my daughters TV time. My brother in law allows televisions in each of his three children's bedrooms, has one in the den, in his and his wife's bedroom and in the kitchen. My nephew says he has it on while he does his homework and after it's done, he falls asleep watching it. My daughter who is in Kindergarten full day gets one hour max per day, public television is what she can choose from after school. Your article makes me feel that yes, I am making the right choices that games, reading together and time to imagine and be creative works. She is doing so well in school because of it. Again thanks and I love reading your column!
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 12:59PM	Sue B, Thanks!!
Henry's Mom 01:00PM	Mark -- I've helped students with research on bp kids. They used www.bpkids.org
angela 01:00PM	Please repost the name of the book suggested, it was cut off.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 01:00PM	Angela, "EAting, Sleeping and Getting Up, How to stop the daily battles with your child" by Carolyn Crowder.
chris 01:00PM	Can my two year old be better off watching any TV shows (e.g. Wiggles) or are we just better getting rid of it all together?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 01:01PM	Chris, for children 2 and younger, the research is clear: NO TV is the best course of action. After that, some viewing may be OK, done judiciously. Check out my column for ideas: boston.com/yourlife/family/meltz
mollie 01:02PM	My 8th grader's english teacher is a lesbian and has openly told her students. She also has on her desk (my daughter tells me) entitled Growing Up Gay and Lesbian. Last week the teacher read the class a book entitled "I'm Blue" about a teenager trying to understand (and identify whether or not he was, I assume) gay and lesbian. I have no problems with gays and lesbians, but I feel like this is overkill on the teachers part. YOur thoughts, comments?
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 01:03PM	Mollie, well, yeah, that's probably overkill. Not sure what, if anything, it's worth doing about it, though.
Katy 01:04PM	Barbara, my 8 year old son likes to have cereal and two eggs (either fry or broil) every single morning. Would that increase his chance of high cholestrol with that many eggs? Thanks.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 01:04PM	Katy, I'm not a nutritionist but I wouldn't feed my child that many eggs. Check with your pediatrician.
Barbara Meltz (Moderator) 01:05PM	Sorry, my chat time is up. Thanks so much for joining me, hope it was helpful!