It's not too early for new-school anxieties

The start of school is more than a month away, and many of us are still looking forward to our family vacations. Why on earth would we want to think about the start of school now?

''Parents may not be tuning in, but some kids absolutely are," says Norwood child and family psychologist Michael A. Goldberg, who is also president of the Massachusetts Psychological Association.

Thoughts of school may be triggered by class assignments arriving in the mail, by the early onset of back-to-school sales, or by a child's vulnerabilities. Children don't like change, so the start of any grade can be cause for worry (''Will the teacher like me? Who will be my friends? Will I be able to do the work?"), but some grades are notably more challenging than others. First grade, middle school, high school, and a new school can affect any child, even one not prone to anxiety. What's more, because children don't express their worry in straightforward ways, parents often don't connect it to the start of school and don't provide the support a child needs.

First grade

Yes, the transition to kindergarten can be stressful, but more often for the parent than the child. First grade is another story. Developmentally, a new level of cognition kicks in, making a child better able to compare himself to peers: ''Ryan can read. I can't." In addition, unlike the kindergarten classroom that is off by itself in most schools, first grade is in the same hallway as upper grades. And what about the desks instead of tables?

''They see that more is expected of them," says Seth Aronson, a psychologist and psychoanalyst in New York City. ''This feels more like 'real' school."

That internal pressure is tough enough. External pressure often comes from an unexpected source. Beth Graue, a professor of early childhood education at the University of Wisconsin-Madison remembers when her oldest son, Sam, then in third grade, told Max, who was going into first, ''You've just finished the best year of your life. In first grade, you don't get choice time and you only get one snack."

Behaviors you'll likely see. Tantrums, sleep disturbance, sullenness, mouthiness, crying over nothing.

What's behind it. Fear of the unknown. Typically a child gets focused on one issue (''What if I'm not smart enough?" ''What if I can't find my pencil?") that turns into a general anxiety.

How to help. Bring the subject up whether you have a context (driving by the school) or not. Talk about something specific that you suspect your child might worry about, but do it in a way that reminds her of how competent she is: ''I was thinking about what a great experience you had in kindergarten, and all the things you learned. How in the world did you ever know about when you could go to the bathroom?" Then give her a chance to name her fears: ''I guess some things will be different in first grade. What do you think it will be like?" Also provide opportunity over the summer for him to practice using a pencil, without making it feel like practice. Get into the habit, for instance, of dictating a short grocery list to him. So what if his spelling is inventive? It will feed his self-confidence nonetheless.

Middle school

One August early in his career as principal of the Belmonte Middle School in Saugus, John Serino, now chair of the town's School Committee, obliged two mothers by giving their children a tour of the school. It was an unusual request, but in hindsight, he says he wishes he had advocated doing it more often. ''I think it somehow grounded them, to have a visualization of the building in their head over the summer and to have that early connection to a key person in the administration," he says. He urges parents not to be shy about asking for one.

Behaviors you'll likely see. Mood swings and defiance. Graue has a long list: ''He refuses to take a shower, just because he can say no. He refuses to clean up his room so he can feel he's in control of one space in his life. He picks fights with siblings just to show dominance. He refuses to get a haircut, thinking, 'Maybe this is what I need to do to fit in.' " Her son Sam's apprehension surfaced as silence. ''He had absolutely nothing to say the second half of the summer before sixth grade," she says.

What's behind it. Hormonal changes or worry about the transition are equally good guesses and impossible to tease apart. The most common worries are about the locker (''How will I remember the combination?"); the bathroom (stories about bullying and gross behavior); housekeeping (''How do papers need to be headed?"); and teen behavior (older kids equal drugs and sex). It doesn't matter that half the stories are apocryphal; they're still scary, and some are true.

How to help. ''Listen really hard," Graue says. ''Since he's probably not talking to you, listen -- over-hear, don't eavesdrop -- to conversations with friends." Don't belittle fears he shares with you. Validate and normalize the worry (''I can understand that."). Reassurances like, ''You'll be fine," ring hollow. Instead, ask questions that prompt him to remember his coping skills: ''You had three subjects last year. How did you organize for that?" Play dumb so he can be the expert: ''I didn't get the full picture of how the day is organized. What do you know about it?"

High school

Walter Keddy, assistant principal at Saugus High School, worries more about incoming parents than about the freshmen entering the school. ''Parents get anxious about how their kid is going to navigate all that freedom. I tell them, 'With freedom comes responsibility. They have the freedom to get from one class to another on their own, but they have the responsibility to figure out how much lingering they can do in the hall if they have to get from one wing of the building to another in five minutes.' "

Even for the student who is not anxious by nature and who's mostly excited, there is likely some worry, says Brookline psychologist Sharon Gordetsky. The trouble is, he may not tell you. ''You have to be a keen observer," she says.

Behaviors you'll likely see: Obsession for girls and boys about body weight and shape, hair, or clothes. Brushing you aside and pushing you away, and then turning around and wanting to do everything with you.

What's behind it. A mishmash of feelings. On the one hand, anxiety about the unknown pulls her to stay connected to you to feel safe. In braver moments, she'll pull away to prove to herself that she doesn't need you.

How to help. Maintain consistent, firm limits but grant new independence where appropriate. Make sure she knows you are available to talk, Goldberg says. Share some of your experiences and remind her of how she's coped in previous transitions. Many incoming high school students benefit from touring the school over the summer, but he'll be horrified if you suggest it. If he comes up with the idea, though. . .

Moving to a new school

''Parents typically underestimate how hard this is, in any grade," Gayle Macklem of the Massachusetts School Psychologist Association, says. ''For children who are shy or anxious, it's that much worse."

Behaviors you'll likely see. Bursts of anger, clinginess, regression. The older they are, the more they may challenge your authority, or pick fights with you over stupid things.

What's behind it. Sadness and fear. ''They're have no sense of control and they're unhappy," Gordetsky says. They see you as the reason: ''You made us move! I hate you!"

How to help. Ask the school for names of potential classmates and neighbors. For elementary ages, arrange play dates before school starts, so there will be a familiar face the first day. With older students, ask the school psychologist to arrange for a buddy if the school doesn't have a system. Talk to parents of children in the same grade, Macklem says: ''It helps to know the 'norms' of the school: What do most kids wear? What kinds of games do kids play at recess?"
Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com.