College freshmen shouldn't stay too connected

Between cellphones, e-mail, instant messaging , and text messaging, it's easy to stay in close contact with your college freshman. But should you?

Sure, it's fun, maybe even comforting, when your daughter calls to say she's on her way to her 9 a.m. class and, yeah, it's raining but, hey, not too hard, and, no, she didn't have breakfast but she promises to grab a bagel later.

Later? Later? Do you really want to know that she's going to her $40,000 classes on no fuel?

``That's being involved to an extreme," says Allison Chase Padula , associate dean of student affairs at Roger Williams College in Bristol, R.I.

To parents who are walking through the day with their students -- it's called helicopter parenting because of its hovering quality -- she has two words: Back off. ``Whatever happened to personal growth? Isn't that part of what they come to college for?" she asks. Let your child figure out for herself that her brain works better with food in her stomach.

But wait, you protest: My daughter called me.

That's part of the rub, admits Mary Stuart Hunter , director of the national resource center for the nonprofit First Year Experience. Just because they can be , some freshmen are in touch three, four, or more times a day. This may seem glorious to parents, but it worries Hunter. It's probably taking a student away from fully engaging in campus life. Padula says, ``Sometimes I see a whole string of kids walking by themselves, all of them on the phone, probably to home."

If this is still going on two or three weeks into the semester, wean your student slowly, gently, but firmly, says Hunter. ``Refrain from initiating contact yourself. Keep responses polite but brief. Don't always be available. In response to questions, throw it back to him or her, `What do you think?,' so you're channeling your child outward instead of back to you."

And, if necessary, be forthright: ``I love you, I love talking to you, but this much contact isn't in your best interest."

Uh-oh, hold on. Hunter admits that last year, when her daughter was a freshman, they spoke daily. ``It was chitchat, and it was brief," she says: `` `Hi, what are you up to?' `Not much, how about you?' "

Clearly, there's no magic formula for parents. Hunter was OK with a daily call because she knew her daughter had a life on campus. ``I was supportive, but I wasn't rescuing her or making decisions for her," she says.

Those are the biggest no-no's, says Karen Levine Coburn , associate dean for freshman transition at Washington University in St. Louis and coauthor of ``Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years. " She describes an e-mail she got from a parent last week during freshman orientation: ``Our daughter's eating dinner in her room. We're not positive what the resources are, where our child should go."

``That was totally appropriate," Coburn says. ``They recognized she was having trouble and wanted information so they could coach her to make use of the resources."

Padula relates an example of the kind of e-mail deans don't like: a mother putting through a work order for a repair to her son's dorm room. ``How's that student ever going to fend for himself?" she asks.

When your freshman has a problem -- annoying roommate is at the top of the list -- Coburn's advice is to listen sympathetically but avoid offering solutions. ``Your being steady and not more upset than they are is what helps a student gain perspective," she says. Two good responses: ``What do you think you can do?" and ``What are your options?"

Students whose college is close to home often pose the biggest challenge.

`` It still needs to be a clean break," says Coburn. ``Don't drop something off because you're `in the neighborhood.' Discourage her from coming home for the first six weeks." If he wants a home-cooked meal or to do laundry, tell him to bring a buddy; otherwise, it's too easy to slip into old routines.

For every student who's in contact too much, there's one who doesn't call at all. That may be a sign that he's happy, but it still can be nerve- racking. While it's always better for your student to initiate contact, it's also OK to say, ``We'd like to hear your voice once a week. What's a good time for you?"

When Coburn's son went to college, she was determined not to be an intrusive parent. She waited for him to call. Waited and waited. After three weeks, he did. ``Mom, what's the matter? You never call me," he said .

``I guess I was trying too hard," she says.

Barbara Meltz can be reached at meltz@globe.com.