Our nest is half empty. Elise graduated from college in May, lives in Brighton, and works with special needs children. After a year of college, Cameron decided to start his own landscaping business and lives at home with his roommate (Craigslist) and accumulates equipment. Recently, after helping Cam navigate the wonderful world of banking - debit card, ATM card, charge card, overdraft charges, etc. - I started thinking about never ending parenting and the challenges of leaving the nest. Are the complexities and expenses of life delaying nestbuilding for some young adults and keeping mom and dad parenting into their pre-retirement years?
In 1971, when I graduated from college, I got a job, apartment, checking account, and car before the sheets cooled on my twin bed at home. Rents were reasonable, I paid for everything with cash or a check, and I bought used cars for $25 (except for my beloved Buick Riviera with leather upholstery that a friend gave me).
To get a professional take on all this - not that my degree in sociology is insufficient to make me an expert - I chatted with Joseph Allen, professor of psychology and director of clinical training at the University of Virginia. He and his wife, Claudia Worrell Allen, are coauthors of a new book called “Escaping the Endless Adolescence.’’
“We underestimate how capable our young people are at learning to handle complexities. It’s really OK for young people to go into situations on their own and get lost,’’ said Allen, who went on to explain that if I’m at the bank with Cam, he doesn’t have to focus. If Cam goes on his own, he may have to go back twice and pay overdraft charges, but he’ll learn from this experience and be better prepared for the next one. When Allen asked some of his undergraduates what made them think they were growing up, they said “failures and screw-ups.’’
“We hate to see our kids suffer and be in pain, but pain is a feature to learn from,’’ Allen said. “What young people need is the chance to struggle with challenges. We need to let them be adults.’’
Gee, a complicated world isn’t the obstacle. I am. Have I become a helicopter parent? Cam certainly didn’t ask me to go to the bank with him; he asked me to “make it quick.’’
When the kids were toddlers, Jim and I introduced responsibilities and independence. They had to put away their toys before going to bed, clear the table, and make their beds. They knew what to do in case of emergency, and their chores and responsibilities increased as they got older. They were doing their own laundry at 12, learned how to cook, and they lived away from home in high school.
I suddenly realized that this recent hovering habit had replaced what helped me raise two independent kids: selfishness (mine).
In 1986, when I was pregnant with Elise and nervous about being a new mother, my friend Mary said I’d be fine because I was selfish. For a split second I thought it was an insult, but she meant that I would take care of myself and not get lost in mother land. Raising kids has always been just one piece of my pie of life. The other slices - wife, working woman, friend, daughter, sister, dancer, and good citizen - carried equal weight.
Of course selfishness can’t take full credit for having raised children who think for themselves, treat others with respect, behave well in public, handle chores, make decisions, and are creative and funny. Jim deserves as many points, if not more, than I do (I yell too much, nag about keeping the house neat, and was/am a slave to my never ending to-do lists), as do our parents, and what the Allens describe as “scaffolding.’’ This is a 60-year-old notion, the brainchild of a Russian developmental psychologist, that has to do with providing support and structure that let kids handle things on their own. So, when Cam has to navigate murky waters, Allen suggests saying: “This stuff is complicated. Would you like me to help you come up with a list of questions? How could I make this easier?’’
And I’ll work on being more selfish.
June Wulff can be reached at jwulff@globe.com. 
