'I can't imagine myself without him'

MELROSE - Mark Fallon and Alana Margolis lean into the conversation at a friend's birthday party, sitting so close that he gently drapes his hand across her knees. Their fingers touch.

They are high school sweethearts, together since late freshman year. They started dating a few months after she asked him to teach her to skateboard, more than a year after she and a friend swiped his board as a joke. Now the two are finishing their senior year at Melrose High School as interns with the city of Boston's archeologist and looking forward to next week's prom. The yearbook will list them as "Class Couple.'' They'll both attend the University of Massachusetts at Amherst.

"We're different enough that we don't really get tired of each other, but we have enough similarities that we can really get along,'' Fallon says. "She thinks ahead more than I do. Definitely.''

"I just trust him so much. We can talk about anything,'' Margolis says. "I can't imagine myself without him. Probably at some point we will take a little bit of a break, just to make sure we are the right people for each other. I think it would make our relationship stronger.''

High school has long been the time for first love, early yearning, and emerging sexuality. Four decades after the sexual revolution changed mores about premarital sex and two since AIDS was discovered, these seniors are caught between classes covering sexually transmitted diseases and date rape and a popular culture replete with suggestive music and scenes of casual sex. The students are exploring relationships at a time when divorce remains common, religion is resurgent, teen pregnancy is on the decline, and "hooking up'' means anything from kissing to oral sex to intercourse. With the median age for first marriages - 25 for women and almost 27 for men - continuing to climb, chances are they won't settle down for years. But that won't make separating for college any easier.

"It'd be impossible to go through the summer if we had made the decision to not be together,'' says Lauren Picard, who will attend Syracuse University in upstate New York while her boyfriend, Harrison Osborne, enrolls in American University in Washington, D.C. "It gives me the bliss of ignorance of not knowing when the end is coming.''

In a May 2003 survey, 37 percent of Melrose High students said they had engaged in sexual intercourse; the statewide rate was 41 percent, the lowest in at least a decade. Among Melrose seniors, almost half - 53 percent of the girls and 43 percent of the boys - said they were virgins, and another 40 percent said they were 16 or older when they first had intercourse.

"Obviously kids talk about sex,'' says Kate Abarbanel. "To some people it's not a big deal, especially guys. I've met some people who say they want to wait until marriage. Some people say it's special. It definitely varies.''

"I've heard people talking about it, that if you're going to college and haven't had sex yet it's supposedly a big deal,'' she adds. "That pressure is not only at our school. It's everywhere.''

A pledge

Meghan Ford and Nikki Dingle, best friends, show off the silver rings they've worn since March, when they attended a Silver Ring Thing show in Andover and, along with almost 1,400 other young people, pledged to remain chaste until their wedding nights. The rings, symbols of that promise, are inscribed ``1 Thes 4:3-4'' in reference to a Biblical passage about sexual purity. One young husband told the crowd he wished he'd waited.

"He cried,'' Ford says. "The fact that his wife could give her whole heart and he couldn't. To see a grown man cry really hit the spot.''

"That's what I believe in,'' Dingle says, "and I surround myself with people who would never pressure me.''

"When I get in a relationship, that's one of the first things I say,'' Ford says. "A lot of people are surprised that I'm a senior in high school and still a virgin. They're surprised that I'm able to do it, and I gain respect for that.''

A classmate tells a different story. She first had sex at 13 or 14 in a relationship that lasted two years. "It was a wicked serious relationship - at least I thought so,'' says the girl, who asks that her name not be printed. What followed, she says, were wild times of parties and easy sex before she fell in love with someone else. A few months into the new relationship, she had an abortion. ``It was the worst thing I've ever been through,'' she says. "You go through something that traumatic, and it changes you.''

Now, like almost two-thirds of the sexually experienced teens polled in a 2002 survey by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, she says she had sex too early. "I didn't have sex with multiple men, but if I was with someone, I didn't wait months - it was a couple of days,'' she says. "My values toward sex have changed. Before I didn't have any. Now I wish I had waited for him.''

Changing traditions

Relationships at Melrose High start with ``talking,'' as in ``I'm talking to so-and-so,'' and if the two decide to give romance a chance, they're ``together.'' Still later it's ``official'' that they're boyfriend and girlfriend. The taboo against girls calling boys has fallen, but vestiges remain.

``You get impatient when you wait for the guy,'' Mutia Smoot says. ``Girls can just call - girls that are brave. I haven't done it. I'm afraid of what the boy will say.''

``Girls ask boys to go to the movies. But most girls don't ask boys to be serious - if you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend,'' says Jenna Spataro. ``Maybe that hasn't changed yet, but it will, because girls are asking boys to the prom, and they didn't used to. Girls are more forward. They go for what they want. It's more equal. It's not like boys always have to be in control.''

Spataro, who wrote a column in the school newspaper bemoaning a ``Sex and the City'' finale that had each of its independent women finding a man, started senior year determined to avoid romantic entanglement. ``I didn't want to have to say goodbye to a boyfriend,'' she says. Now she's dating Matt Shea, helping him choose a tuxedo for the prom.

``It's fun. No drama,'' she says. ``It's just comfortable.''

``I just respect everything about her,'' Shea says. ``I'm just happy when I'm with her.''

Tara Dolan, co-president of the Drama Club, and Hughes Mayo broke off a two-year relationship before school began. ``We ended it because of being seniors and wanting to experience other things before we graduated,'' Dolan says. ``I did so many things that took up long periods of time. It gave me what I wanted, freedom to experience my senior year.''

They remain good friends - Mayo is reading ``The Perks of Being a Wallflower'' at Dolan's suggestion - but they're not going to the prom together. ``I'd love being in a relationship like that again someday,'' Dolan says. ``Not necessarily right away.'' She asked her date to the prom, not vice versa. ``Much to my mother's chagrin,'' she says. ``I don't see the big deal. It still will be nice to have somebody hold the door for me. That's all I ask for. Just for one night to feel like a princess.''

Lessons all around

A visitor walking through the school sees a boy, a senior, snap his fingers and a girl answer his summons.

The walls outside the library bear posters warning of unhealthy relationships. ``He pays attention to her. He pays attention to her every move,'' cautions one.

According to the 2003 Youth Risk Behavior survey, almost one in 10 Melrose High students said they'd experienced violence in a dating relationship. But more common are the jealousy and intensity of youthful romance.

Sarah Cullen and Andy Scott have been together a year. ``I had one other serious relationship that went seriously downhill,'' Cullen says. ``I learned it's good to have your space. We were very clingy. It was always us two that went out. I lost a lot of friends. I'm thankful a lot of them stood by me.

``Andy and I have a better understanding,'' she says. ``We're a little more laid back. The first relationship is the one you learn from.''

In addition to lessons culled from their own experiences and their friends' come lessons learned at home and in school.

``Teenagers don't take death seriously. Teenagers think they're invincible. But they take sexually transmitted diseases pretty seriously,'' Dave Crespo says. ``I don't think the knowledge is going to help us make that choice. I've never been at a party or with a girl and thought about health class. But I have thought of my mother. My mother would always tell me to treat your girlfriend like she's your sister.''

What about popular culture? ``As much as I don't want to see it as real, it gets into my head,'' Crespo says. ``Pop culture is very subconscious. My mom is subconscious, too.''

Also informing them are their parents' relationships.

``I have seen how people can be together for a long time and be completely miserable,'' says Dolan, whose parents recently separated. ``It kind of makes you a little unsure.''

Dingle, on the other hand, hopes to find what her parents found. ``My parents,'' she says, ``are not one of those perfect couples who never fight, but they know how to resolve it in a peaceful way. The way they treat each other is really great.''

Now they head to college, where, national surveys indicate, as many as one of every four or five women will be raped or sexually assaulted, often in freshman year. The Melrose Alliance Against Violence recently sponsored an assembly on the topic.

``It's frightening to think about,'' says Dolan. ``Am I going to be one of them? My mom keeps telling me I need to take a women's self-defense course. I probably will.''

Mixed reactions

Geneva Frank, wearing a short, sparkling black dress and tall black boots with thick platform soles that, she says, end up killing her feet, attends a prom sponsored by the Boston Alliance for Gay and Lesbian Youth. The dance floor at Boston City Hall is crowded with 1,400 people, and all Frank can do, she reports later, is jump to the music. The prom occurs two days before gay marriage becomes legal in Massachusetts.

"The DJ made some shout-outs about it,'' Frank says. "You couldn't really hear it. It was jumbled gibberish mixed in with `Gay marriage, yay.'''

Frank is the only member of the school's small Gay/Straight Alliance who identifies herself as anything but straight.

``I'm bisexual,'' she says. ``I usually say `sexually open-minded.' I've had three non-serious girlfriends. I have a serious boyfriend right now. My mom doesn't believe you can be bisexual until you're a lot older.''

"Whatever her decision is, it's fine,'' says her mother, Laurie Frank.

"If I ever have a serious girlfriend,'' Geneva says, "and we decide to get married, it will be awesome that we can.''

For sociology class, she has surveyed students about homosexuality. "A lot of them said they didn't have a problem with it, but they didn't want it out in the open,'' she says. "A lot of kids are afraid of it. They don't want to hate anybody. It's kind of new. ... It's pretty hard to be open in the school at all. It's not a comfortable place for a lot of people unless you're really popular. It's high school. You get used to it and get in the flow. It's not like it's hell.''

Mark Beckford has also done a survey for sociology class. His topic is gay marriage. "Most girls were for it,'' he says. "I'd say 60 percent of guys were against it.'' What does he think? "I'm strictly against it,'' Beckford says. "I don't think it's a civil rights issue. It's a privilege granted to you by the church.''

Spataro disagrees. ``It's going to make things more equal,'' she says.

Stephanie Genica wrestles with the issue. She tries to apply Christian values to her relationship with her boyfriend of a year. "There's a verse that says, 'Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous or boastful,''' she explains. The same Bible, she says, calls homosexuality a sin. Genica opposes gay marriage but would vote against banning it.

"I don't think it's for me to sit there and judge,'' she says. "I love the sinner and not the sins. I have my own sins. It's not something I have such strong feelings about to change someone's life.''

Another kind of bond

Kate Abarbanel, self-described "bargain queen,'' is proud of the shimmery red prom dress with the sheer panels that look like wings that she found at the Garment District for $18. She bought shoes at Charlotte Rousse for $22 and spent $26 at Claire's on a rhinestone choker and chandelier earrings. She invites her date, Larvel Scott, to check out the ensemble.

``I want to make sure we coordinate,'' she tells him via cellphone. ``And it will be nice to see you.''

Abarbanel and Scott are Drama Club buddies, going to the prom as friends. ``He's one of the nicest guys I've ever met,'' Abarbanel says. ``I've probably had some of my better conversations with him.'' This kind of cross-gender friendship is as much part of high school as finding a first love or searching for one.

"Guys are so much more simple,'' Abarbanel says. "There's no squabbling or rumors flying. But I'd never want to have only guys as friends, because there are some things you can only tell your girl friends.''

"I don't want to say girls are more sensitive and emotional, because I'm sensitive and emotional, but they do tend to be a little more on the feeling side,'' Scott says. "You hear a different point of view from having friends who are girls.''

He's never had a serious girlfriend. "It would just be cool to have somebody who would put that extra effort to be there for you,'' he says. "If someone just sees me, by the generalization of guys, they'd be, `He just lives for the moment. He just wants to get laid.' I don't. When I look at a relationship I'm looking at months and years, not weeks. I'm completely different from the world's viewpoint of what a guy is.''

Now Scott looks forward to college. "I learn from my mistakes,'' he says. "Trying too hard and stuff like that. In college it's a whole new beginning.''

Abarbanel will graduate having already experienced first love and first heartbreak. She had a serious boyfriend for more than a year. Breaking up, she says, "was one of the most difficult things I've dealt with in my entire life.''

"Even in high school you can really fall in love,'' she says. "You never forget it. Ever.''