No fighting, no biting

Marguerite Hicks bounced a set of paper dolls, Felipe and Izzy, in front of the 3- and 4-year-olds and presented a problem for them to solve. Izzy is mad and he refuses to hold hands with Felipe.

How would you solve the dispute? the teacher asked the youngsters at the Cambridgeport Children's Center.

"They should just hold hands," said Aliyah Farnum, 3. "It hurts people's feelings to say no."

Another teacher, Ian Hamel, nodded, saying it's important to consider how other people feel.

"Even if you're sad or mad, you sometimes don't have a choice and you have to listen to what the teacher says," Hamel said.

Lessons like these -- aimed at improving basic social skills -- are increasingly showing up in preschools and early elementary grades.

Antibullying and violence prevention programs, usually reserved for middle and high school students, are becoming in vogue in preschool and the early grades.

Parents, too, are taking classes on how to teach their children the best ways to express and control their emotions.

Schools are working more with their youngest students and their parents on behavior because more students are starting school without knowing how to handle conflict and follow rules, educators say.

Children's lack of social skills is leading to frequent feuds in the sandbox, biting incidents during playtime, and tantrums in the classroom, educators add.

Educators and mental health specialists aren't sure why children's social skills have eroded. They are torn over whether to blame absent working parents, violence on television, biological changes, or a combination.

"Families face many more pressures now and kids are arriving with more problems and more challenges," said Amy Bamforth, a mental health specialist at the Somerville Community Partnerships for Children, a program that works with low-income parents and trains early-childhood staff in the public schools.

Educators agree, though, that schools and parents can combat the behavior problems.

Several months ago, Scituate brought in puppets, such as Impulsive Puppy, Be-Calm Bunny, and Slow Down Snail, as part of a new curriculum designed to teach preschoolers about social skills.

The lessons are designed to help children with basic behaviors, including sitting still and listening, and understanding different emotions and the best way to respond.

One afternoon, students in Emily Norman's preschool class took turns holding Be-Calm Bunny and sharing what it means to be worried.

Will Granatino, 5, cradled the stuffed animal and talked about the time he was afraid of the dark and how he eased his fears.

"I felt better because I had a night-light and I knew the morning was coming," Will said.

Norman said helping children identify their feelings and the reasons behind them gives them better control over their behavior in and out of the classroom.

In Somerville, Bamforth has held workshops for parents and produced booklets with tips on how to set consistent rules, model the right way to listen and talk, and teach children ways to work well with others.

First, parents have to understand their own child's temperament before they come up with the ideal way to react, Bamforth said.

Adjusting expectations to fit in with the child's reality, in spite of parents' wishes, can make it easier to cope with frustration and challenges.

"There are many right ways of raising children," Bamforth said. "But we need to help kids get prepared and ready to learn."

Lynne Reeves Griffin, author of "The Promise of Proactive Parenting: Sea Change," stressed the importance of parents being willing to recognize when their child is struggling.

"Let's just acknowledge that it is not good or bad, it's just the way it is," said Griffin, who also runs a private practice on the South Shore, Proactive Parenting, which works with families on behavior management. "If parents are resistant to hearing that their child has issues, they're not going to get to the root of the problem."

That's why Nechy Corriveau, whose 3-year-old son is starting preschool in the fall, said she has already reached out to the teachers and talked about her son Quentin's social problems of snubbing his peers and refusing to share toys.

"He just needs some training on how to deal with other children," Corriveau said.

Griffin recommends various approaches for parents to work with their children, including role playing, setting up play dates with their peers, and strengthening the parent connection with the teacher.

Sitting around a table, parents and teachers can talk honestly about why a child is biting or kicking and how to deal with it.

When Quinn Colby began biting his friends and disrupting the classroom, his mother worried she had a "freak" child destined for reform school and anger management classes.

Lili Colby and her husband tried to fix the problem themselves, talking sternly to Quinn and a few times, making him bite soap as a punishment.

Later, the couple took parenting classes. The instructor advised them to get Quinn more sleep and to reach out to his teachers to coordinate efforts.

If Quinn is throwing a tantrum, his teachers and parents won't try to talk to him at that moment about his poor behavior. After the 4-year-old has calmed down, they discuss why he was angry or sad.

Rather than focus on behaviors that aren't allowed, Quinn is then given options of what he can do, such as sharing toys with friends.

Despite a lot of progress, Colby said her son continues to challenge her. As soon as she thinks she has mastered ways to deal with him, he changes his behavior.

"It isn't easy," Colby said. "But I've learned to become a much more effective mom with a proactive style of parenting. It gives me and my kid a lot more respect for each other."

Jenn Abelson can be reached at abelson@globe.com.