Try to trust a teacher's grading
Q. I feel that my son's teacher is grading him based on his older brother's abilities, which were much greater. How do I address her subjective grading?
Anonymous
A. Most educators don't rely solely on their gut, but on their grade book. While it's possible the teacher is grading on assumptions, it's more likely she is using a calculator or spreadsheet to determine the grade. What are your son's grades in class, including homework, class work, and tests? If you look at his typical scores, the report card marks probably match. Also, keep in mind the ever-changing curriculum and increasingly higher expectations. Report cards are becoming more ''standards-based," which means they are lining up with the guidelines set by the state Department of Education. Even in elementary school, it has become more difficult to receive that desirable ''A."
If the teacher is more subjective, she probably bases her grades on the potential she sees in each student rather than on someone else's level of ability. If you are concerned that the grades still don't make sense after taking all of this into consideration, set up a meeting with the teacher to discuss the issue. If your son doesn't have an individual education plan that usually is done for students with special needs, chances are he won't be considered for any kind of special grading system. Let your concerns be known, but be prepared for disappointment on the chance the teacher is following the standards set by the powers that be.
Q. My daughter wants to invite only some of her classmates to her birthday party. When is it OK to stop inviting everyone in the class?
L.G., Boston
A. Being left out can be devastating for young children, so the longer you can wait, the better. But let's be honest -- birthday parties are not cheap these days, so trimming the number of invitees happens earlier and more often than you think. In addition, some children invite relatives and friends from extracurricular activities in addition to classmates, making the list outgrow your budget even more. At this point, I would say that inviting only a few children is OK as long as it is done tactfully. If you need to make cuts on the guest list or your daughter just wants to hang out with a few friends, mail the invitations instead of doling them out at school; it won't be noticed quite as much.
However, it's not OK if your daughter singles out only one or two classmates to not invite. Talk to your daughter and have her imagine being left out. How would she feel? Show your daughter that we all have things in common with others, even when we don't think so, and urge her to help engage everyone in the activities at the celebration. It's never too early to teach empathy for others.
My last column addressed the ''right" age to send a child to kindergarten. I recommended that a child should be ready academically and socially before a parent makes that decision.
A couple of readers suggested parents look down the road a bit before making the final choice.
For example, would your child rather be the oldest or youngest of his friends? (Think about the coveted driver's license, for example.)
In addition, Terry Weksel, an early childhood psychologist for Wellesley Public Schools, wrote, ''There are children who may not yet have acquired this knowledge [reciting the alphabet, etc.] who absolutely need to go to kindergarten because that is where the skills will be taught.
''In any case, holding the child out of school is not going to magically make the child ready for kindergarten in another year. The quality of what a child does during that year when not in kindergarten must also be considered. More of the same may not be the answer," Weksel wrote.
He also reminds parents that if a child hasn't developed motor, listening, or social skills, there may be reason to suspect developmental issues that need specialized intervention.
If this is the case, parents should seek advice from a professional such as their pediatrician, the school, or a child psychologist.
Ellen Peterson teaches fourth grade at Thomas W. Hamilton School in Weymouth. To submit a question, e-mail asktheteacher@globe.com. Include your name, town, and e-mail address. Questions, upon request, can be printed anonymously. Ask the Teacher and Campus Insider run on alternate Sundays. 
