Setting back women's rights
ONCE MORE we approach Aug. 26, the anniversary of women's suffrage, with mixed feelings.
It's been 84 years since women won the right to vote, but the only women in the race for White House housing are ladies, as in first lady. This year, Iraqi women, under their brand new constitution, will hold 25 percent of the government seats, but American women, under their venerable old Constitution, will hold only 13.8 percent of the congressional seats.
"Failure is impossible," said Susan B. Anthony. But she forgot to mention how slow success could be.
With this in mind we assembled our one-woman committee to pick winners for the Equal Rites Awards. The ERAs are given annually to those who have done their most to set back the cause of equality.
The envelopes please.
We begin with the International Ayatollah Award. The winner this year is Dr. Qassim Al-Qasabi, the deputy minister of health for our alleged ally, Saudi Arabia. The good doctor directed Saudi hospitals to admit women in labor only if they are accompanied by a man. For this "no hubby, no hospital" policy, we send a double standard and a very hard labor.
Alas, not all double standards are foreign. The Super Bowl of Sexism trophy goes to those folks at the NFL and the FCC who were shocked (!) when their halftime programming -- erectile dysfunction ads, crotch-biting dogs, half-clad cheerleaders -- was interrupted by Janet Jackson's overexposure. Umm, anybody notice that Justin Timberlake had a hand in the "wardrobe malfunction"?
Ah well, Boys will be Boys and Arnold will be Schwarzenegger. The former Terminator and alleged serial groper gets the boytoy prize for his critique of the Democratic leadership in Sacramento: "I call them girlie men." We send the legislators -- male and female -- sand to kick in his face.
If you think Arnold deserves his booby prize, you haven't met Republican Representative Bill Tauzin of Louisiana, who included a pet project in the energy bill that would help subsidize a Hooters restaurant in Louisiana. We send him a push-up bra nicely inscribed: Your Tax Dollars At Work.
The private sector has its own boobs. So the Mixed Messenger Prize goes to the restaurant owner in West Branch, Iowa, who on one hand sponsored wet T-shirt contests. On the other hand, he refused to let a woman breast feed her baby at her table. We send him what he needs, a pacifier.
Now for the Fashion Victim Award. So many body parts, so little time. From the surgical roster, we chose those women who have gone under the knife to have their feet reshaped to fit the foot fetish fantasies of designers such as Jimmy Choo. We send them each a pair of killer heels.
As for the Patriarch of the Year Award, we can't overlook the British geniuses at Brighter Pictures who are pitching a reality program tentatively named "Make Me a Mum." If it gets aired, we will be watching 1,000 men compete for fatherhood in a series culminating in an on-air "sperm race." We give these men a tip straight from Dr. Ruth: Speed isn't everything.
The Musical Misogyny Baton, a downbeat award, goes to the rappers who have made the pimp into a hip status symbol. One baton for rapper Nelly, who owns and markets Pimp Juice. One for the animators who created "Lil Pimp." One for rapper 50 Cent, who made $18 million on his song "P.I.M.P." And one for the video in which a rapper is seen "walking" two women on leashes. Alas, this brings us to the Dubious Equality Award. It belongs now to Lynndie England, the soldier seen around the world holding an Iraqi prisoner on a leash. Need we say more?Let's not forget the Blind Justice Award. The winner this year is Judge Gene Stephenson. In a Florida rape trial, he offered : "Why would he want to rape her? She doesn't look like a day at the beach." We give the judge many, many days on the beach. The Backlash Award goes to Family Circle, which has sponsored yet another cookie bakeoff between Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry. May we suggest that the editors take their magazine on a much needed low-carb diet?
Onward soldiers now to the Battle of the Sexes. The 2004 ribbon goes to the Vatican, which wants to make peace through passivity. In a long document, the hierarchy recommends women cultivate "feminine values" such as "listening, welcoming, humility, faithfulness, praise and waiting." Waiting? Listening? This year, those rabid Catholic feminists in several dioceses were even banned from foot-washing ceremonies. We send the Vatican hearing aids.
Finally, the Missing Woman Award goes to the Bush administration. Log on to government Web sites and you will discover that the old fact sheets about, say, the earning differences between men and women have been removed. In their place are new upbeat offerings such as "Hot Jobs for the 21st century." Who would have dreamed that the Bush minions would work so hard to make women's issues, uh, disappear?
Ellen Goodman's e-mail address is ellengoodman@globe.com. 