Privatization gone berserk
THE FBIS (Federal Bureau of Intermittent Statistics) has just released the following hard-nosed assessment of President Bush's plan for the privatization of Social Security. Here are some of the projected long-range effects:
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Privatization will give you better sex. Unless you are over 55, in which case you're guaranteed to keep the sex you have.
The Army is already partly privatized (mercenaries in Iraq). It will soon go all the way. Instead of Donald Rumsfeld saying ''You go to war with the army you have." The new Donald, Donald Trump, the new military CEO, will state, ''You go to war, or you're fired."
Why should government taxes be collected by the government? It just spends it frivolously, sometimes even giving it back to wealthy people who don't need it. A privatized IRS, or PIRS (pronounced ''purse"), would eliminate the old way of paying taxes with tax forms and deductions, etc. PIRS would allow businesses to deduct money from worker's salaries and keep it. They would be responsible for paying for police, fireman, garbage pickup, road maintenance, and all the other things taxes used to pay for, but are now also privatized. PIRS eliminates the middleman -- the old IRS. And the motive for paying is obvious. You don't pay the garbage guy; he doesn't pick up the garbage. You don't pay the cops; they don't come when you call them. When you do call the cops, they'd have to check to see if you're paid up before they come, causing a slight delay. But when they come, they really want to. Because that's the way private enterprise works.
Getting airline mileage on your credit card doesn't compare to the new ''
Privatized Army II. American planes, financed by the private sector will not only display the US Star, but company logos as well. Enemy troops being strafed and rocketed by our F-15's will see ''This Bud's For You" emblazoned on the wings.
Since the president is now paid by Congress from our tax money, and since we will no longer be paying tax money, who will pay the prez? The same people who paid to get him elected. The president's salary is a pittance compared to what they laid out to get him in the White House. And instead of the flag in his lapel, the president will wear a lapel pin with a different donor's initials each week.
Soon to arrive: The ''SSSA" -- the Social Security Sports Account. You can bet your Social Security account money on sporting events. Yes! Why not get some added excitement out of your staid old SS investment. Put the money on your favorite team. Watch the NFL on Sunday and know that your future depends upon your guys winning. What happens if you lose and you can't pay up? Two brawny IRS officials in silk suits come and break your legs. Whereupon your private disability insurance kicks right in.
Originally, Social Security worked because there were 16 workers for every retired person. Today, there are three for every retired person. In 10 years, there will be one worker for every retired person. Retirees will be encouraged to write to their worker urging him or her to work harder.
Privatized Metro. Buy your own seat on the subway. A little gold plaque bearing your name will appear on seat of the car you most frequent, so that during rush hour you can say to a passenger sitting there, ''Excuse me, that's my seat!" Or pridefully know that when you're not riding the subway, some other citizen is reaping the benefits of your largesse. Even if you live in Duluth, you can bring friends to New York to ride the D train just to show them the little gold plaque affixed to the blue plastic seat that says ''Property Of Mr. and Mrs. Ralph Yardelbumfen"
The Private SS Lottery Ticket. Give up your safety net money for the chance at a huge payoff. At a special drawing each month, the treasury secretary will pull up the lucky number and one US citizen will be a multibillionaire because he/she invested their SS money in a lottery.
People over 55 without the benefits of the new system can sell their projected SS benefits on Ebay for a lump sum. Take the trip you've always wanted.
The real motivation behind the whole push to privatization is not to ''reform Social Security" but to juice up the economy for a quick recovery with an infusion of our money. President Bush will finally admit this, and you will be required to spend the money you would have invested for retirement. Ads promoting the mantra ''Spend It Now" will give rise to the nickname ''SIN," as in ''sin tax."
And this final expectation: A 5-year-old, looking toward retirement in 2060, is a seriously unmotivated young man.
Lee Kalcheim is a playwright. Marshall Efron is an actor and humorist.
