This Week in Competitive Parenting

EVER SINCE competitive parenting was officially recognized as a national sport in 1994, more than 80 million parents have turned pro. Every major urban center now boasts its own CP league. Fortunately, competitive parents from Greater Boston continue to dominate the sport. And one look at our Top Five Plays of the Week tells why.

5. Ms. A. R. of Boston had fallen way behind Mr. T. O. of Needham in the standings in large part because T. O.'s smug little boy, Arnold, was just named a National Merit Scholar. That's what makes A. R.'s daring play (in the lobby of Symphony Hall) so breathtakingly magnificent.

Ms. A. R. : ``Our Bart is so stubborn. He actually rejected Harvard!"

Mr. T. O. : ``You're kidding me! Why?"

Ms. A. R. : ``Because he's crazy, that's why! He says Oberlin has a better chamber music program. Can you believe it? Harvard was good enough for Yo-Yo Ma!"

Outstanding, A. R. ! What is particularly dexterous about her maneuver is that she never actually states that little Bart was admitted to Harvard. (In fact, he never applied, on the advice of his guidance counselor.)

4. This week's lemonade-from-lemons citation goes to Ms. G. H. of Framingham for her fabulous preemptive pitch to her nemesis, Ms. B. R. of Newton, whose goody-two-shoes little girl, Molly, is frequently pictured in the local newspaper with a rescued kitten in her arms. The following exchange took place in front of the Newton Library.

Ms. G. H. : ``I suppose you heard that Mickey was expelled from school."

Ms. B. R. : ``I did hear something about that. I'm so sorry."

Ms. G. H. : ``Actually, we're pretty proud of him. I mean, if you don't want kids to stand up for their principles, you shouldn't have them read Thomas Paine."

Ms. B. R. : ``Oh, I didn't realize it was anything like that. What principle was Mickey defending?"

Ms. G. H. : ``Nothing less than the First Amendment!"

Note: Technically, Little Mickey was expelled for telling his teacher, Ms. LaFrak, to ``Go [expletive] herself." Fabulous spin, G. H. !

3. Our refs have always displayed a special weakness for liberals. So it is not surprising that the following exchange between Cantabrigians Mr. L. F. and Dr. M. K. in front of the Harvard Book Store made the list.

Mr. L. F. : ``This private school/public school thing is such a dilemma for us."

Dr. M. K. : ``How so?"

Mr. L. F. : ``Well, politically we're 100 percent behind public education, of course. But our little Jennifer is -- you know -- we're afraid public school would hold back her . . . uh . . . potential."

Dr. M. K. responds with a sardonic smile.

Mr. L. F. : ``But we're only letting Jenny go to Buckingham Browne & Nichols if she promises to make some multicultural friends."

Deftly done, L. F. , especially your choice of the word ``potential." It has a fine neutral twist to it.

2. While waiting to pick up his daughter at soccer practice, Mr. M. F. of Wellesley pulled off the runner-up for Top Play of the Week while chatting with his neighbor, Mr. P. D.

Mr. M. F. : ``Meghan is writing an opera for her eighth grade project."

Mr. P. D. : ``Really? The music too?"

Mr. M. F. : ``Yeah, but I don't know, it's soooooo derivative of Puccini."

Here, M. F. completes a no-hitter with a gorgeous change-up pitch. After leading off with a bald-faced boast, he nimbly pulls back with a faux unpretentious curve. Well done, M. F. !

1. And now, this week's top player. It's Ms. H. K. of Boston, who ran into her friend, Ms. J. S. , in front of Akris Boutique on Newbury Street. Her technique has the sly subtlety of a born competitive parenting champion.

Ms. H. K. : ``Sometimes I think the whole feminist revolution never happened. I mean the old either beauty or brains thing is still very much with us."

Ms. J. S. : ``What happened? Did some pig at your office hit on you?"

Ms. H. K. : ``No, no, it's my poor little Lizzie. Get this -- they scheduled the Miss Massachusetts Beauty Pageant on the very same weekend as the Grand Masters Chess tournament!"

Ms. J. S. : ``I don't understand."

Ms. H. K. : ``Lizzie's a contestant in both, of course."

What can we say? Brava, H. K. , brava!

Daniel Klein is coauthor of ``How Jokes Explain Philosophy" to be published in 2007 by Harry N. Abrams Inc.