The ups and downs of being Madame Speaker

I WONDER what Nancy Pelosi is thinking today. The experts will analyze what the president says tonight, but the rest of us will be watching our first woman speaker.

If I were Nancy I'd be thinking about Dick Cheney sitting on the other end of the seesaw I'll be on. We haven't had a seesaw in a few years, so maybe you've forgotten. The vice president and the speaker of the House sit behind the president, on camera most of the time. When they agree with the president, they jump to their feet and clap. When they disagree, they sit still and look bored. This year, they will have to jump and clap at exactly opposite times. That's the seesaw and it's not so easy.

The hard part? You have to clap along strict party lines, so you have to pay strict attention. And then, just when you think you can sit for a spell, a "bipartisan issue" comes along. Everybody has to stand for that, Republicans and Democrats alike. Bipartisan issues are things like "Children Are Our Future."

I would not clap for that issue. If my children are my future. I am headed for an old age of cleaning bathrooms. I am "Against Children" and would remain seated.

You've also got to look spry as you jump to your feet. I'm betting on Pelosi; Cheney has experience, but Pelosi has no history of heart disease. She'll be quicker on her pins. When it is time to "Support Our Troops, Without Spending Anything," she'll be up first.

We'll be watching when she sits back down, too. When men sit down, they pull up their pant legs first, as if there were pant-eating rats on the floor. Women don't. They reach back and smooth their bottoms, plus women always look at the seat first. There won't be time for this habit. No looking, no bottom smoothing, and always the risk that Dick will put a small but sharp hedgehog on Nancy's seat when she is up.

Most of all, Madame Speaker faces the same trial that nine men before her have faced in the TV age: Can you be perfect on camera for an hour? It's not like church or temple. You can't fiddle with a loose button. No. You have to sit still and pay attention. No human mind can do that, not even when you're driving two tons of automobile. That's why we have cupholders.

I would also be really worried about yawning. I would do that face you do when you try to hide a yawn but everybody knows it. But I would be even more worried about everybody's problem: You accidentally think of something funny. You get that horrible urge to laugh that only happens when you really shouldn't. You have to race your mind through your private list of saddest things in the world to stop yourself from laughing. That means you won't pay attention and you'll jump up and clap for Funding Faith-Based War by mistake.

I love the State of the Union address and everything it stands for. I make my kids watch it. Of course, kids always smirk when the title "Joint Chief" comes on the screen. "Looks like somebody Just Said Yes," a teenager will say. But they'll know tonight is special. So special that maybe, for once, Mom won't be saying that somebody should wipe that smirk off of Dick Cheney's face. Or that fake smile off of Nancy's.

So enjoy this historic moment, Madame Speaker. Make us proud. Just remember to sprinkle some bread crumbs on the floor.

The pant-eating rats can't resist it, and they will leave you alone. So will the hedgehogs.

Monique Doyle Spencer is author of "The Courage Muscle: A Chicken's Guide to Living With Breast Cancer."