Bringing back dad
VIOLENCE HAS spiked among young people in Boston, and part of the answer lies in encouraging fathers to be more involved with their children.
Recently, Boston College researchers studying low-income, primarily minority adolescents found that greater involvement by a nonresident father in his children's lives predicted a decrease in adolescent delinquency, such as drug use, violence, illegal activities, and school truancy.
Other research shows that withdrawal of a father's love is associated with problems in children such as negative self-esteem, academic difficulties, bad behavior, and depression. Fathers tend to engage in more rough-and-tumble play and are more likely than mothers to encourage children to be independent and take risks.
But while the dividends are enormous when fathers reconnect safely with their children, the process can be difficult for everyone involved.
The Massachusetts Children's Trust Fund was created in 1988 to help prevent child abuse and neglect by strengthening families. But it became clear that dads were not engaging in traditional support services for parents , so in 1996, we convened the Fathers and Family Network. It has been growing steadily ever since. Currently, hundreds of providers meet in six regions across the state to exchange best practices for involving fathers in family support and child abuse prevention.
Most parenting-education groups consist mainly of mothers. When one or two fathers join a group of nine or 10 mothers, the fathers often end up feeling uncomfortable and isolated, and they don't return. For that reason, parenting education that targets men can be a boon for the community.
Recently about a dozen men from Dorchester gathered for a 13-week father's group. One man in his late 20s had a 4-year-old son with a woman he was no longer involved with romantically. He and she had worked out a child support agreement on their own, without involving the courts, but still had an antagonistic relationship.
At each session, this particular dad always mentioned that antagonism. He complained that she abruptly canceled scheduled visits, disrespected him when he went to pick up their son, and constantly threatened to take him to court for child support even though he was maintaining their mutual agreement.
However, about halfway through the 13 weeks, he started to describe an improving relationship with his "baby's mama." One week he voiced with surprise that she had changed, and he wondered if she had some hidden agenda for being nice to him. Another group member said, "She didn't change. You did!"
You could see the light bulb turn on over that man's head. He realized he had underestimated his own ability to decrease the tension in his son's life and improve life for his family.
We could tell many similar stories from our experiences in working with fathers.
But while children benefit when their fathers are engaged, today's family landscape can be bewildering for many fathers, regardless of income level or cultural background. In two short generations, almost every measure of what it means to be a father has shifted dramatically. Traditionally, a father had two well-defined roles: to provide and to discipline. Sure, some men took the children fishing, but many fathers left the nuts and bolts of parenting to mothers. When both parents work outside the home, though, a father can't easily treat his provider status as his primary contribution to the family.
This change has had an upside. As mothers discovered an emotional satisfaction from engaging with grown-ups outside the home, fathers spent more time with their children and experienced an epiphany: Their child was a miracle!
So many couples today at least pay lip service to splitting parenting tasks equally. While old habits die hard, fathers can figure out -- or be taught -- how to take a full role in family life. At the graduation ceremony for another 13-week fathers' program, a mother from Hyde Park said, "I don't know what you all did, but he's helping out around the house and spending more time with the kids!"
This Father's Day, let's reflect on the brave families who radically shifted parental roles and made it easier for men to be involved more meaningfully with their children. Let's also listen when the research and our guts tell us that encouraging dads to be more involved in family life is a smart thing to do. This transforming role for fathers benefits children, mothers, and fathers alike.
Roger Donoghue chairs the board at the Children's Trust Fund. Haji Shearer is director of the CTF's Fatherhood Initiative. 
