The fortnight that wasn't
A COAL MINE collapse in Utah killed six workers, with another three dead after a second collapse buried a group of rescuers. Opponents of Cape Wind, the embattled wind farm proposed for Nantucket Sound, said that while they regretted the loss of life, it was better that than forcing beachfront property owners on Cape Cod to look at tiny windmills on the distant horizon.
In Florida, NASA announced it had finally succeeded in sending a teacher safely into space. "After the Challenger disaster in 1986, many thought we were finished," said a spokesperson, "but we never wavered from our goal of putting an educator into orbit." The effort cost more than $145 billion and took nearly a quarter century, but cheering personnel at the Kennedy Space Center said it was worth it as Space Shuttle Endeavour touched down carrying teacher Barbara Morgan. "Never let it be said that NASA has lost its way," said one administrator. "True, we had originally hoped we'd be able to spend the last 20 years exploring Mars, but, really, this is just as good."
Michelle Obama told an audience in Iowa this week that, "if you can't run your own house, you certainly can't run the White House," a remark many interpreted as a slap at Hillary Clinton. Staffers for Senator Barack Obama denied that was the case. "Michelle simply meant that the White House is the president's home. As with any home, you have to sort laundry, cook, vacuum, and, of course, keep your spouse in line," explained an aide. "We're appalled that anyone would think this is an observation that's directed solely at Senator Clinton. It applies to any woman who would be president."
Meteorologists puzzled over the behavior of Hurricane Dean, which at the height of its strength, unexpectedly went out of control. "We thought it would really amount to something," said one forecaster, "But suddenly it began spewing spray everywhere and acting like it had gone mad." After that, the storm quickly weakened. "I doubt anyone will ever hear from Dean again," added the forecaster.
Democrats worried about the impending resignation of presidential adviser and key strategist Karl Rove. "Rumsfeld, Miers, Libby, Pace, and now this," lamented one senior legislator. "Slowly but surely, the administration is ousting everyone we've tried to make scapegoats for the president's disastrous policies." But others said they were unconcerned. "We've still got Cheney and Gonzales. And if they leave, we can always pick on Laura and the twins."
Tapping the burgeoning market for nostalgia, Mattel unveiled a new line of figurines for adults featuring popular characters designed to appeal to those who are now in their 20s and 30s. The new products, "Nickelodeon for Grownups" and "Big Street Sesame," feature all of the characters of the original children's-oriented toys and come complete with display cases and stands. "These are not toys, however," stressed a company spokesperson, who said the collectibles were specially sourced from exotic locales in Asia and were carefully decorated using rare paints that would be entirely unsuitable for youngsters.
In the wake of the publication of "Restless Virgins," a new book that documents an extraordinary level of willingness among Milton Academy's female students to have sex with anyone who asks, admissions officials reported that applications to the school were suddenly at an all-time high, with the greatest increase coming from male applicants. "We're pretty sure it's all due to Milton's strong academic reputation," said a spokesperson.
Critics of the culture of fatherlessness in impoverished African-American communities said they were mystified as to causes of the deeply ingrained urban pathology. Meanwhile, sports fans throughout New England said they were thrilled at the news that quarterback Tom Brady's former girlfriend, Bridget Moynahan, had given birth to his son.
And finally, a new study reported that obesity may be caused by a virus. Researchers said the contagion appeared concentrated on cruise ships and in resort areas such as Las Vegas. A once-thin sufferer of the disease, for example, described spending a week dining at the Rio's all-you-can-eat buffet, returning home and finding himself more than 50 pounds overweight. "I'm almost sure I caught it from some of the other infected customers at the restaurant," he told investigators.
Tom Keane's column appears every other week in the Globe. His e-mail address is tomkeane@tomkeane.com. 
