Parents suffer, too, when child is teased
Q. My son has always been a good student and has maintained A and B grades until recently when his grades dropped to C's, D's, and even F's. He no longer wants to go to school and would rather be in class than at recess. He has become the target of teasing and name-calling and feels isolated, and is demonstrating signs of depression. I have spoken with both his teacher and principal. Do you have any insights or ideas that could help?
Parent of a fourth-grader
A. As parents, we agonize over our children being treated this way and can't stand to see them suffer. Sometimes we don't understand or even know for certain what is happening and struggle to help them. Unfortunately, many kids end up in the situation you describe. They are repeatedly teased, lose their self-esteem, and continue to go downhill unless someone steps in.
You took a good first step by talking with the teacher and principal. Remember to also speak to the school counselor. I have witnessed the positive effects of counseling and support groups with some of my students. It's important that your son find someone to confide in, even if it's not you.
When your son does divulge more information, try to get to the bottom of why he is teased. Is it because he is smart or because he struggles in school? Has he befriended a new student or someone outside of the ''in" crowd? Is it the way he dresses or acts? There are many reasons, none acceptable of course, that motivate students to tease others. Most of the time, however, it is due to the bully's lack of self-esteem rather than the victim's actions. No matter what the cause, children can hurl words at one another and cause a lot of damage if nothing is done.
Encourage your son to focus on his positive traits and teach strategies to deal with anxiety. If he is being teased for acting kindly toward someone else, compliment him for his courage and highlight these actions so they outweigh the negatives. In addition, you may want to look at some books regarding teasing and bullying. Two that piqued my interest on this topic were ''Easing the Teasing: Helping Your Child Cope with Name-Calling, Ridicule, and Verbal Bullying" by Judy S. Freeman and ''The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander" by Barbara Coloroso.
On another note, ask what measures are taken at the school to prevent bullying. Some teachers implement programs to prevent bullying and negative behavior in the classroom. Elementary schools throughout my district use the Social Competency Program, also known as Open Circle. Through discussion and role-playing, children learn how to deal with many situations ranging anywhere from teasing and annoying behaviors to bullying. We teach students how to recognize common threads among themselves and treat each other with respect. It has helped to build a school community where no one tolerates bullying and disrespectful behavior. Some schools go even further and invite parents to participate in Open Circle activities.
Above all, keep the lines of communication open and continue to support your son. Work to get him the help he needs before any more damage is done.
In a recent column, I addressed ways to challenge a student in mathematics, both in and out of the classroom. Candy from New Hampshire chimes in, ''I recommend the Keys to Curriculum workbooks that you can buy online at www.keypress.com, which cover math up through geometry. I like them because they take a single concept, give you problems to reinforce the concept, and then build on it for the next topic." She also recommends the Hampshire College Summer Studies in Mathematics program for older students. You can find further information on this camp at www.hcssim.org. Another reader recommends the Uniquely Gifted website, www.uniquelygifted.org, a collection of resources for families of gifted and special needs children and educators.
Ellen Peterson teaches fourth grade at Union Street School in Weymouth. To submit a question, e-mail asktheteacher@globe.com. Include your name, town, and e-mail address. Questions, at reader's request, can be printed anonymously. 
