Kids may need to talk about a revealing halftime show
By now it's clear children need not have watched the Super Bowl halftime show to be confused by it. Images and discussions of Janet Jackson's exposed breast are all over the media. It's being talked about everywhere, including the playground and the school bus.
The problem is this: What sense are children making of it?
For most of them, there's a huge discrepancy between the messages children get at home about respect, privacy, and sexuality, and the ones portrayed on the screen Sunday. But let's be clear: This is not just about an exposed breast. It's about a male entertainer ripping off clothing to expose it. It's also not just about That Moment. Super Bowl XXXVIII also boasted barely clad dancers, simulated sex, and chauvinistic commercials. What does all this tell boys about the relationship of violence to sex? What does it tell girls about their vulnerability or desirability? What does it tell all our children -- indeed, the rest of the world -- about the values our society holds dear?
"For some children, this won't have been anything out of the ordinary," says Jane D. Brown, a media researcher at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and editor of "Sexual Teens, Sexual Media" "If they're watching MTV, dating shows, or reality programming, this is pretty much what they see all the time."
In that context, at least, CBS handed parents a gift. "I see this as a wake-up call to be more aware of what your kids are surrounded by, and to find ways to talk to them about it," says Tamara Kreinin, president and CEO of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (familiesaretalking.org)."Something that's getting this much attention is begging for a conversation with children of all ages."
Whatever age, a conversation will be more successful if parents avoid outrage and instead draw out a children's reactions. Some kids may come home talking about it. If not, bring it up by saying: "A lot of adults are talking about the halftime show. What've you heard? What do you think?"
The idea is to meet a child at his or her level of thinking. Here are some things to keep in mind:
4- to 6-year-olds may express anger, but it's not the same as ours. "They are concrete thinkers. The idea of having your body exposed shocks them," says pediatrician Mark Schuster, a professor at UCLA and coauthor of "Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask)" Because they're still trying to figure out what it means to be male or female, sexually explicit behavior is confusing: They might wonder: "Is this what boys/girls do? Is this what I'm supposed to do?" Schuster would tell a child, "Your body is private. No one can touch it without your permission. It's wrong to pull someone's clothes off. If anyone ever does that to you or to someone you know, tell a parent or adult."
7- to 9-year-olds tend to look to teenagers and pop stars as role models. If parents don't weigh in, children will probably conclude that what happened onstage was cool, says psychologist Sharon Lamb, who specializes in girls' development at St. Michael's College in Burlington, Vt. "Girls get a message that sexuality gives you attention, and boys get a message that this is what boys can do when girls act sexy," says Lamb, the author of "The Secret Lives of Girls."
Children this age may get stuck on whether the breast-baring was an accident. Don't get bogged down there. Instead, Kreinin says, "Convey the idea that two people who love each other may want to have sex. It's usually private. It was wrong to put it on TV like that. We should be proud of our bodies, but sex is for married people," or whatever reflects your values.
10- to 13-year-olds may recognize this was over the line but be confused by their own feelings of wanting to be sexy and desirable. Lamb would ask a girl about the ways in which girls can get attention, a boy about the assumptions he makes when he sees girls' sexy behaviors. Schuster would repeat the messages for a younger child: "No one can touch your body without your permission, and you can't touch someone without theirs."
Teens may be blase outwardly but inwardly may share your outrage, especially because young children saw it. That's a place to start a conversation: "Do you think that was appropriate, knowing families watch this?" Also ask about the message the show sent to the rest of the world, or about how sexuality is used as a marketing tool. "You need to come at the conversation sideways, a dialogue, not a diatribe," Brown says. It's OK to express your opinions using `I' statements ("I worry that a boy might think `no' doesn't mean `no' ") or through the third person ("Do you know anyone who's been pushed to do something she didn't want?").
Kreinin urges parents to help children of any age who are upset by the treatment of women in this or any show to write letters to CBS, MTV, Viacom (which owns them both), or the NFL.
"It demonstrates you don't just have to take this," she says.
Barbara Meltz is the Globe's parenting columnist. She can be reached at meltz@globe.com.
