Surprises come up short in predictable Oscar show

It's a cliche to say the Oscars were too long. So let's just say that they weren't short enough, by a long shot.

With a few exceptional moments -- ringing acceptance speeches from honorary winner Blake Edwards and local documentary filmmaker Errol Morris, funny lyrics to the "end-your-speech" music by Will Ferrell and Jack Black -- it was a long night's slog into morning. From Sean Connery's opening observation that we are "fashinated by the mooveesh" through the endless technical awards for "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King," it was a night of impatient waiting for the glut of big awards in the last half-hour. The post-nipple-gate 5-second delay was completely unnecessary -- unfortunately. A little spontaneity might have perked up the narcoleptic tone.

First-time Oscar producer Joe Roth brought back Billy Crystal for his eighth hosting gig so that the comedian could perform his safe, old-style shtick. And Roth got what he ordered in spades last night, as Crystal delivered a very predictable opening that sounded exactly like his monologues from years past, only with different titles. There were bland ditties about the nominees, the expected Mel Gibson jokes, and the same old insider swipes at the likes of Miramax's Weinstein brothers and Michael Eisner.

Oh yes, and lots of mugging.

Crystal's burlesque-y business was certainly not intended to bring in younger viewers to boost the telecast's falling ratings (from 55 million in 1998 to 33 million last year). To the tune of "Ol' Man River," Crystal sang about "Mystic River" and director Clint Eastwood -- "you just keep rolling along," he crooned from Eastwood's lap. "I just saw a film by Sofia," he sang about "Lost in Translation," to the tune of "Maria" from "West Side Story." "The Lord of the Rings"? "My Favorite Things."

The night's predictability extended into the winners, from the first award of the night, to favorite Tim Robbins for best supporting actor, to the last, to favorite "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King." The second major award was also quite expected, as Renee Zellweger gave a breathless thank you. Often, the supporting actress category gives the ceremony its first surprise jolt, but that was not to be.

Sofia Coppola's acceptance speech, so strangely downbeat for a person who orchestrated such an extraordinary movie, "Lost in Translation," exemplified the pace. This year's show was heralded as a return to glamour and unembarrassed celebration after two years in the shadows of world events -- the Sept. 11 attacks and the war in Iraq. But that mood was visible only in the gowns, namely Catherine Zeta-Jones's red, Diane Lane's white, and pregnant Marcia Gay Harden's blue.

The ABC preshow spent a chunk of its precious time promoting "Starsky & Hutch," with costars Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson doing a mock competition bit that they later did again onstage. It was a slick half-hour, compared to E!'s charming sloppiness, with interviews backstage and in the audience of the Kodak Theatre, as well as the usual red carpet yellfests. ABC's seriously annoying Billy Bush tried to charm all the famous ladies, plunking himself down between Nicole Kidman and Zellweger for some nervous chatter. And the show's use of Madonna's "Hollywood" as a theme song was almost as misguided as Ronald Reagan's attempt to co-opt Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" back in the 1980s.

No, the Hollywood nuttiness of Joan and Melissa Rivers were the preferred preparation for a night of air kissing and heavy jewelry. The best actress nominees trod the E! carpet looking regal. Naomi Watts was glowing, her best accoutrement her beau Heath Ledger. Diane Keaton was a burst of happy energy in her Annie Hall-ish tie and jacket. Charlize Theron was a vision of glittery blondness. And New Zealand teen Keisha Castle-Hughes told anyone who asked that she was eager to meet someone named "Johnny Dipp" (translation: Johnny Depp).

Depp, for his part, summed up his mood with trademark cool: "Not a bad way to spend the afternoon."

Maybe, but for viewers, this wasn't a great way to spend a night.

Matthew Gilbert can be reached at gilbert@globe.com.