'Queer Eye' for straight marriage
On last week's installment of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," the Fab Five helped whip terrifyingly sloppy stand-up comic Kevin Downey into shape so he could propose to his longtime girlfriend. When the woman tearfully accepted, the queer quintet clapped and cooed and cried, gushing about the beauty of the new bride-to-be, the tangible happiness of the couple, and how they, the Fab Five, would be attending so many future weddings.
Watching this I wondered, "Gee, is this what the president means by gay folks undermining the sanctity of marriage?"
It's hard to imagine the Fab Five undermining anything, especially an institution they do their part to uphold week after week as they turn hapless straight guys into marriage material for long-suffering girlfriends or help wives recall why they may have married their men in the first place.
Hours before that "Queer Eye" aired, President Bush declared his support for a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. Such an amendment to the most hallowed document of American democracy would define marriage as a union between one man and one woman.
This, of course, will never come up on the show because "Queer Eye" is designed as a frothy amusement complete with bouncy dance music and enough quips to rival an airing of "All About Eve." And, because the Fab Five -- "fashion savant" Carson Kressley, "grooming guru" Kyan Douglas, "food and wine connoisseur" Ted Allen, "design doctor" Thom Filicia, and "culture vulture" Jai Rodriguez -- never espouse viewpoints concerning anything more complicated than facial moisturizers, the restorative wonders of paint, and Riesling vs. Gewurztraminer.
In that way, it's no different from any of the other makeover shows all over TV these days -- after all, no one tunes in to TLC's "Trading Spaces" to hear host Paige Davis or carpenter Ty Pennington discuss the war in Iraq or political turmoil in Haiti while working on a living room armoire. But on "Queer Eye," the Fab Five, more often than not, are working to make their straight subjects more acceptable to the women in their lives. As the show plays with stereotypes of style-challenged straight men and trend-perfect gay men, it also reinforces long-held notions of minority groups existing only to improve the lives of (usually) straight white people. Though the idea of straight men being fussed over by gay men may seem like progress, it's really just another twist on the "magic minority" idea fostered for years, especially in such recent films as "The Green Mile," "The Legend of Bagger Vance," and, more recently, "The Last Samurai" starring Tom Cruise.
So long as the "Queer Eye" stars remain nonthreatening homosexuals, their popularity, which has already spawned a book, a CD, and various award-show appearances, will remain intact. Were they to take a cue from Rosie O'Donnell, who last week in San Francisco married her longtime girlfriend, Kelli Carpenter, and publicly campaign in favor of same-sex marriage, their fame would no doubt falter. America may embrace gay men who don't stray too far from stereotypes -- it's no mistake that the cliched and flamboyant Kressley is also the most popular figure -- but it isn't as easily accepting of gay men with political opinions and relationships of their own for which they demand legal recognition.
So, as long as they use their homosexual know-how for the sole purpose of heterosexual betterment, "Queer Eye" will continue to mollify the straight masses. And they will continue to champion couples seeking to join what Bush has called "the fundamental institution of civilization" -- an institution from which the Fab Five could one day be constitutionally excluded.
Renee Graham's Life in the Pop Lane column appears on Tuesdays. She can be reached at graham@globe.com.
