Spend quality time with spouse and kids to keep family together

Dear Beth:

This is to the "Lonely Mom'' who is trying to get her husband to spend time with her son. I can relate to your dilemma. I'm in love with my husband, who is a good man, too. What I did wrong is to overprotect our son.

My days and nights are consumed with him. My husband is a great person, but I almost lost him because he's not No. 1 in my life.

This is wrong. Mothers are inclined to put kids over husband. You are controlling and obsessed with this child, who will one day grow up, and you'll be alone.

Quality time as husband and wife is a good place to start. Go out at least every other week, just the two of you. No excuses - you don't have to spend money. No kid talk. No church talk. Don't argue if a suggestion is made. You're probably in your 30s or 40s, so you've got time to change.

CONCERNED GRANDMA

Your point that parents need to take time to tune into their own relationship with each other is a good one. But I do not think it is "controlling'' of a mother to want her husband to be an involved and communicative father. While it may not come easily, people can learn how to spend more time with their kids and spouse when they realize it is important for the family to stay together. Marriage is a partnership that must work for both parties, so compromise and stretching one's comfort zone is usually required of each person.

I don't agree with you that your husband should come first over children. I think anyone who takes on the responsibility of raising a child must make that at least as important as their relationship with their spouse until that child is independent. Adults can take care of themselves; children can't and need to rely on their parents.

Of course, how you attend to your spouse is different from how you attend to your children and changes over time. Young children need much more attention from their parents. But as children mature, parents have more time to spend together. People who don't want to make the sacrifices that children require should consider not having children. Children do best in families where everyone spends time together.

Dear Beth:

My boyfriend became my ex when I told him about another guy kissing me. He said that he couldn't handle it and it was over between me and him, but then he said to give him some time alone to see if he could deal with things.

Recently I called him to say hello, and all of a sudden he started speaking to me really bad over the phone. He told me to forget about me and him. Should I wait to see what happens between us? He also told me to wait until he's ready to call me. I don't know if he has disconnected his cellphone because he went away. Why is he acting this way?

SAPHIRE

He felt betrayed and obviously got very jealous. He may have disconnected his cellphone because he doesn't want to talk to you. You must accept what he's said and leave him alone. If and when he wants to contact you, he will. If you think he's being overly jealous, it's good that you have found this out about him.

It is very difficult to accept that someone doesn't want to be with you, but you can't make him do something he doesn't want to do, and trying will only make him angrier. You will be sad about losing him, but you can get over him. Once you accept that it's over, you can get on with your life.

Beth can be reached at askbeth@globe.com.

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