'Starlight Express' goes way off the track

I have seen the past of musical theater and its name is Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Lloyd Webber's musicals always represented the triumph of spectacle over character and musical doodling over composition. In this 1984 opus Lloyd Webber replaced people with trains, albeit trains peopled by roller skaters with supposedly human characteristics. Granted, it's difficult to tell the difference given that most of his other musicals feature humans who seem like machines.

At any rate, Lloyd Webber came crashing down like the chandelier in "Phantom of the Opera" in the 1990s as the musical regained its more human, melodic side with the likes of "Ragtime."

Which doesn't mean that Boston is a Lloyd Webber free zone. "Phantom" and "Evita" will both be back next year, though it's difficult to imagine they could be any worse than the production of "Starlight Express" that has pulled into the Wang Theatre for a brief run.

Here even the spectacle isn't much. Gone are the skaters racing around the auditorium, replaced by 3-D films of the train races, featuring three pairs of skaters symbolizing steam, diesel, and electric engines. At least the movies take your mind off what's happening onstage -- a nothing story that makes "The Little Engine that Could" read like "War and Peace" and a score that doesn't even have the one memorable song that most Lloyd Webber shows can lay claim to. The performers are athletic and tuneful enough, although only Dennis LeGree as Poppa (don't ask) has any charisma to speak of.

Lloyd Webber makes the electric train one of the primary villains of the piece even though the composer is completely reliant on electronic instruments. Seven musicians are listed in the program and the musical performance is as empty as almost everything else about the show.

Arlene Phillips, who choreographed the original London production, is now also the director, taking over for Trevor Nunn. Nunn directed several of Lloyd Webber's works before going to the Royal National Theatre where he partially redeemed himself with the likes of the "Oklahoma!" revival, which arrives in Boston next month.

Phillips's work seems more like aerobics on skates than choreography, though that's perfectly in keeping with the nature of the production. David Yazbek ("The Full Monty") has added lyrics to Richard Stilgoe's original libretto. Stephen Sondheim doesn't have much to fear from either of them. "I'm just the fastest thing you'll ever see. /That streak of lightning you just missed was me." Mel Brooks doesn't have much to fear, either.

If this is the "Express" make mine the local.

Ed Siegel can be reached at siegel@globe.com.

Starlight Express
Musical in two acts. Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Lyrics by Richard Stilgoe and David Yazbek. Directed and choreographed by Arlene Phillips. Set and costumes, John Napier. Lights, Rick Belzer. Sound, Mark Norfolk. At: The Wang Theatre, last night through Sunday. 1-800-447-7400.