Ms. Behavior has the do's, don'ts of gay marriage

PROVINCETOWN -- Ms. Behavior's eyebrows furrow, and she glares. Minutes ago, she was offering you sugar for your peppermint tea. But now the syndicated sensei of gay and lesbian etiquette is making that bit about there being no such thing as a stupid question seem like a downright lie, and you just asked a whopper: When a lesbian couple marries, could the women change from Ms. to Mrs.?

She's still staring. This is getting uncomfortable. Finally, she speaks:

"No, it's not a dumb question. It's just I've never heard of that, and I'm just thinking."

You exhale for the first time in 10 seconds. It's official: Ms. Behavior (the alias of Provincetown resident Meryl Cohn) has been stumped.

Since Massachusetts became the first state to allow gay marriages on May 17, the sage of gay propriety who advises readers with a column in eight papers nationwide and her 1995 book "Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior's Guide to Gay & Lesbian Etiquette," has joined the scores of folks grappling with how to address the congratulation card, what to call the spouse, and how to field the dreaded question, "So, you gonna get hitched?"

Cohn, 42, has fielded questions far outside of her personal experience -- such as the one from the couple who worried that they "taught" their Barbie-loving son to be gay. But when it comes to marriage queries, Cohn has dealt with a few blunders herself after announcing that she would wed her partner of almost four years, Mary Beth Caschetta, on May 17.

A male relative asked her, "So, are you both gonna call each other wives, or is one of you going to be the husband?"

"I hope he was joking," Cohn says, "but I don't think he was."

Caschetta's mother launched a similar flub: "Won't getting married just mean you now have to divorce when you break up?"

John Mitzel, who owns the gay-and-lesbian Calamus Bookstore, says no book in his shop deals extensively with the new slew of quandaries facing homosexuals who have married or are planning to marry and the community around them.

"What if you have a homophobic person on staff that doesn't like the fact that John brought Jack to the Fourth of July picnic?" says Mitzel, who has read Ms. Behavior for years. "What's the etiquette? It's all happened so quickly."

Of course, Provincetown, where rainbow flags outnumber American ones, has been quick to react. Nancy Miller, manager of the clothing shop Don't Panic! on Commercial Street, has sold "Just Married" and "Husband Material" T-shirts by the dozen. Steve Katz, owner of Norma Glamp's Card Shop and Gallery, says the store sold out of wedding cards the weekend before gay marriages went legal.

But outside of Provincetown, most are still getting comfortable with the idea. So, the doyenne of gay etiquette settles down in her condo's kitchen above an art gallery one block from the beach to help with the adjustment. "We're making it up as we go along," Cohn says. "I'm not so much about rules. I'm more about being considerate, being aware of other people and personal responsibility and kindness. I feel these things are more important than where you place the silverware."

Cohn says comments that discount the legitimacy of the wedding as lifelong commitment -- like the divorce comment from Caschetta's mom -- are a "no." Also unacceptable is Cohn's uncle's remark to her dad: "Congratulations on your daughter's marriage, for whatever that's worth."

And though you may think that asking a gay couple "Are you getting married?" makes you sound up with the times, the question pressures them in the same way it would a straight couple, especially if one partner wants to wed more than the other. Such was the problem of "Not the Marrying Kind" in a recent Ms. Behavior column: "Do I burst her bubble and tell her that I don't want any part of this sugar-coated charade, or do I just smile and register our china pattern?"

Resolving the Ms.-vs.-Mrs. conundrum, Cohn says you should continue to address letters "Ms." unless told otherwise. Most couples Cohn knows are keeping their surnames, as she and Caschetta decided to do, since they both are recognized writers. (Caschetta's "Lucy on the West Coast and Other Lesbian Short Fiction" was released in 1996.)

There were a few failed attempts at an alternative.

"We thought maybe we could mix 'em together and make an anagram of it, but there were too many vowels and it didn't work," Cohn says. But "Don't pass up the opportunity to pass up a bad last name for something better."

In times of doubt, use common sense. Provincetown resident Emily Flax, a friend of Cohn, saw a man stop to snap a picture of a gay wedding she was attending in the couple's front yard.

"It's definitely bad form to photograph groups of people marrying as if you're on a whale watch," Ms. Behavior says. "That's a no."

But do check the registry, buy a gift, and make sure you always invite the spouse to social gatherings in the future, she added.

When it comes to planning the ceremony, gay couples can meld the traditional notions of a wedding as they wish, but it seems the world wanted to see how the etiquette queen would do hers. A Japanese media outlet and the (N.Y.) Daily News wanted to cover the ceremony, and National Public Radio's "All Things Considered" asked the couple to move the ceremony to Cambridge, where they'd be stationed, Cohn says. All were turned down, and only Cohn's brother and a friend attended the living room ceremony. Leave any judgmental family members off the guest list, Cohn says.

"It's your day, hopefully [you'll] only get married once, and if they're going to make you feel uncomfortable, you shouldn't have to invite them."

Never much into dresses -- the "Breakfast at Tiffany's" Holly Golightly-style ones she wore during her book tour were borrowed from a drag queen -- Cohn opted for slacks and a dress shirt. Caschetta, 37, planned an entire outfit around her pink and black wingtip mary janes, a relief for a woman who grew up trudging down the aisle in pink Glinda-the-Good-Witch bridesmaid dresses.

"I come from a huge Italian-American family, and everyone had these huge weddings at the crazy Italian party houses," she says of her childhood in Rochester, N.Y. "It was what you were expected to do. My mom wanted me to be a big princess in a big white dress, that's for sure."

At the ceremony, the couple exchanged matching custom-made, carved white gold rings with a small diamond, lit a flame from individual candles, and said vows they had written themselves. "I will always try to close the cupboard doors and put things back where they belong," Caschetta said. Cohn couldn't promise as much: "I may always leave my socks on the floor, but I promise to know how it affects you."

"What does that mean?" Caschetta, the upbeat foil to Cohn's laid-back sarcasm, asks later. "That's such a fake vow."

The minister said, "I now pronounce you bride and bride." (Cohn suggests "I now pronounce you married" as an alternative.)

The two are planning a wedding party for fall, and a honeymoon after the premiere of Cohn's play "Pretty Face Seeks Fame" at the Provincetown Theater in October. Where will they go?

"I was sort of thinking about San Francisco," Caschetta says with the wariness of discussing a family affair for the first time in front of a stranger.

Ms. Behavior had other plans, but she's also good in human psychology.

"I think we could decide between San Francisco and Italy," she says. "What do you think?"

Caschetta bites.

"Italy would be good," she says slowly. Then, more definitively: "OK, we're going to Italy."

Yes, the logistics of the fledgling marriage are still a work in progress. While Cohn says many gay couples will use "spouse" for their husband or wife, she still slips up on what to call Caschetta during a tour of the condo when she explains that "my girlfriend" took some time in warming up to the tangerine hue of the bathroom.

She catches herself:

"I guess I should call her my wife."

Asked later, Caschetta's got another plan:

"You can call me your old lady."