Comprenez vous le Tour de France?
Last summer, my neighbor told me that he had been watching live coverage of the Tour de France on the Outdoor Life Network. Neat! I immediately tuned in and saw ... nothing.
It was like watching the legendary Mad magazine "sport" 43-man squamish, played underwater. Yes, I enjoyed seeing these 170-odd fellows in pastel jerseys pedal through the gorgeous French countryside. And yes, I know how to ride a bike, and I always make a little joke about Lance Armstrong at my local Post Office. (They seem to have no idea who he is.) But the Tour is, like, geek to me.
Two nights ago, I invited Sheldon Brown, a veteran cycling journalist who uses the Internet handle "CaptBike" at his website sheldonbrown.org, to watch Stage Nine of the Tour with me. Brown also runs the successful HarrisCyclery.com website, and he has played King Paramount in the seldom-produced Gilbert & Sullivan business satire, "Utopia, Ltd." So he understands everything.
Before switching on the television -- he had taped OLN's edited broadcast that morning -- Brown asked to deliver some prepared remarks. "The Tour de France is not a sporting event, it is a series of sporting events," he said. "It is not like a baseball game, it is like a pennant race."
There are several separate races taking place during the Tour. There's the race for the yellow jersey -- like chasing the batting title in baseball -- which Armstrong has won five years in a row. A Frenchman named Thomas Voeckler is currently wearing the yellow jersey, meaning he has the best overall time so far. But the jersey will probably change backs several times before the racers finish under the Arc de Triomphe in Paris July 25.
There is simultaneously a race for best sprinter on the Tour (green jersey); best climber (red polka-dot jersey); best young cyclist (white jersey); and for fastest team. And each of the 20 race stages is itself a hotly contested race-within-a-race. "Most of them are won by somebody you've never heard of, and who you will never hear of again," Brown explained. "But that will be the biggest event in his life. It will be the headline in that man's obituary: `Winner of Stage Nine of the 2004 Tour de France."
Now for the question and answer period:
1. Please define: "peloton"; "drafting"; "breakaway"; "time trial." The peloton is the main pack of riders, sometimes stretching out a hundred yards or more. Most of them benefit from drafting, meaning they are cycling in the slipstream of the riders ahead of them, and pedaling less hard. The first and last riders in the peloton get the same time at the finish line.
I asked Brown why small groups of riders "attack," or break away from the pack. "Because it's a race," he answered. Duh.
In the three individual Tour time trials, the riders start at staggered, set intervals and are not allowed to draft. The trials are called "the races of truth." Armstrong does well in the time trials, because he is a very fast rider. Double duh.
2. What happens if a rider gets a flat tire? He gets a new bike, usually in a minute or less. Ditto in a crash situation, if the rider is uninjured.
3. When do the riders eat? In a long stage, they are handed special sacks of food, called musettes, in a designated "food zone."
4. Can you go to the bathroom on a bike traveling 25 miles per hour? Yes, but this isn't something you'll see on the Outdoor Life Network. Plus: don't try this at home.
5. When should you start paying attention? Next Tuesday. Starting then, two time trials and the Alps stand between the elite riders and the yellow jersey.
6. Why do the French hate Lance Armstrong? Because he is an American, and he beats them at their own game.
So what was Stage Nine like? Beautiful, and boring, until the end. Two riders, Filippo Simeoni and Inigo Landaluze, had staged a dramatic breakaway for 70 long miles, at times leading the pack by as many as 10 minutes. But right at the finish line in Gueret, the peloton caught up with them. So Brown and I had watched more than two hours' worth of bike racing to see a 172-way tie.
"Yes, it is confusing," Brown allowed. "But baseball has the infield fly rule." Touche.
Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com 
