Mr. Fussy will always have Paris
PARIS -- Mr. Fussy isn't sure about France, but he is sure about Air France. The flag carrier has wonderful food, monolingual pilots ("Soon we will be joining Paris"), and neatly turned out ground personnel who didn't bat an eyelash when Monsieur F inquired if he might be booked into either seat 21-A or 21-K. Those are window seats that have expansioniste legroom in some Airbus configurations.
Helas! They were desolated, but the seats had already been reserved. A M. or Mme. Encore Plus Grognant (Even More Fussy) had beaten me to the punch.
Still, the flight over was lovely, enlivened by the in-flight magazine's unforgettable travel feature "Ten Reasons to Visit Sofia." One reason: "The Caf Motto, where Sofia's young and trendy gather." How odd that they forgot to mention Bulgaria's nouveau cinema! Mr. Fussy has never forgotten that poignant movie, the one in which the goat gets killed.
Once on the ground, Mr. F was surprised to see a passenger light up a cigarette, right in the baggage claim area! And he wasn't dragged away in manacles! Apparently, smoking is still legal in France. How primitive. Within just a few miles of the Eiffel Tower, there are other signs of an ancient civilization: people buying fresh bread every day, eating unpasteurized cheeses, reading newspapers, and even taking public transportation. It's like a 20th-century retro theme park.
As it happened, Mr. F arrived in Paris at the very moment of a campaign against . . . Halloween. Sacre bleu! But yes, the Catholic diocese of Paris, irritated by the increasing popularity of the pagan (read: American) holiday, had launched its own evangelical counter-celebration called Holywins. How does Mr. Fussy know this? Because the jillion-decibel Holywins rock concert, featuring bands such as the reggae/Christian ensemble Spear Hit, took place within earshot of his otherwise cozy and quiet little pied-a-terre.
You can't fault the Catholic Church where public relations are concerned. To kick off its "contre-attaque" on Halloween, the diocese chose French actor Michael Lonsdale to read stories of the saints' lives to little children. They probably don't remember Lonsdale playing the impossibly evil Hugo Drax in the 1979 James Bond movie "Moonraker." (Memorable exchange: Drax -- "Why did you break up the encounter with my pet python?" Bond -- "I discovered it had a crush on me.")
There is a touch of irony in France's anti-Halloween campaign, in that the country has traditionally celebrated both All Saints' Day (Toussaint) and its own version of the Day of the Dead right around Halloween. But the French are impervious to irony where their own conduct is concerned. While Mr. F was in Paris, a newly published book revealed that French president Jacques Chirac thought of invading Iraq with the United States and Britain -- but abandoned the idea when it didn't poll well.
Ironique, non?
But even more scary than Halloween for the French is the prospect of a second George Bush presidency. The magazine Le Nouvel Observateur published a special issue, "Why Bush Must Be Beaten," informing its readers that "[Bush's] re-election would be a catastrophe for the world, and for the U.S." Indeed, at a conference attended by Mr. Fussy, a French academic asked why the American press didn't simply report that "George Bush is a liar and that John Kerry is a fresh start." I'll take up the question with my editors should our paths happen to cross between now and the election.
Where France is concerned, the early returns are in. Last week, the newspaper Le Figaro front-paged a Louis Harris poll with the headline "The French Vote Massively for Kerry." The results were 71 percent for Kerry and 11 percent for Bush. Perhaps that is why the president didn't bother to campaign here.
Mr. F couldn't help but notice that the works of such even-handed authors as Paul Krugman and Kitty Kelley were clogging Parisian bookstores alongside local fare such as "The Happiness of Not Being an American," "The Bush Machine," and "Bush Land: His Secrets, His Lies, and His Plan Against France."
Mr. Fussy entertained a Forbidden Thought, that he dared not bruit in the Land of the Smiling Cow: It is almost tempting to vote for George W. Bush, just to tick off the French.
Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com.
