Rushing into relationships hints at deeper crisis
Dear Beth:
I am a confused 20-year-old woman in the middle of a quarter-life crisis, I think. I'm a mess. I am in a situation that I cannot handle on my own.
About four months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of three years. We were madly in love from the first date. We lived together from day one of our strangely pleasant, twisted relationship. As soon as we broke up and ''A" moved out, my life simply spun out of control.
I began dating someone that very same weekend and have been dating him all along. ''J" is a great guy, different from what I'm accustomed to. He's in love with me, but I really don't love him and in fact become annoyed by his presence. I have continued to see ''A" once or twice a week and can't function without him any longer. I cry every day. Nothing makes me happy. I don't know how to properly and permanently end things with ''J" and not rush into things with ''A" all over again. I love him; I just don't want things to get too heavy and make the same mistakes we made last time. Please help me.
THE PART-TIME LOVER
Please see a counselor soon. You said it right off the bat, and I agree -- you need some help to handle this. You seem to rush into things very quickly. It makes me wonder if you are running from something. Why did you jump into another relationship before resolving your first one, and why do you feel you have to be in a relationship when you don't love this guy?
Troubled relationships often signal deeper personal issues that need attention. Focusing just on ''A" or ''J" sells yourself short. Your term ''quarter-life crisis" fits. Now is a good time to get things straight with yourself. End things with ''J" by telling him the truth -- that you rushed into things with him and that you still have feelings for ''A".
Work with a counselor you feel good about to learn more about what's up with you, where you want to go with your life, and how you can do that in a way that is really going to be more gratifying for you. Then see where ''A" fits in with your plan. He clearly has a hold on your heart, so you probably will want to figure out what went wrong and why you developed such a ''twisted"relationship and if you can work things out with him.
You are ripe for help. Go for it!
Dear Beth:
In response to ''Please Help," whose daughter committed suicide: My husband and I lost our 18-year-old son on Nov. 2, 2000, to suicide. I do not think we would have survived had it not been for the support of the Compassionate Friends program we joined three weeks after his death.
The group can comfort and help in ways no one else can, because the members know what losing a child does to your heart, body, and mind. We still go to the monthly meetings hoping to help others with the pain of losing a child. Counselors, friends, and family members cannot fully understand unless they have been there. We meet the third Tuesday of every month in a Madison chapter. No fees, just people who care and will listen, not judge, and help in any way we can.
Please mention the Compassionate Friends the next time someone is looking for help after losing a child. Thank you.
JANIS Thank you for bringing this to our attention. The Compassionate Friends is a national nonprofit self-help support organization that brings ''seasoned grievers" together with newly bereaved family members and friends to help them with grief following the death of a child of any age. It also provides information to help others be supportive. It has no religious affiliation, and there are no membership dues or fees. To locate one of the 600 Compassionate Friends chapters in your area, go to www.compassionatefriends.org or phone 1-877-969-0010.
Beth can be reached at askbeth@globe.com.
