With an accent on cliches, 'Earthsea' rings hollow
The accents in Sci Fi's ''Legend of Earthsea" are a wondrous thing to behold. Our hero, a young wizard named Ged, has a blacksmith father who sounds like Mike Myers's Scottish Shop Owner reciting Chaucer while on barbituates. He's a wee bit silly. And then Ged's first girlfriend is straight outta the WB's ''One Tree Hill," as is Ged, for that matter, except by way of Geppetto's workshop. And of course there is Isabella Rossellini doing her exotic Isabella Rossellini thing, the cloistered high priestess with a voice like European silk.
And those diverse accents are the only wondrous things in the two-part fantasy adventure, which premieres tonight at 9. Based on two novels by Ursula K. Le Guin, Sci Fi's ''Legend of Earthsea" is earthbound and altogether not worth seeing. It's the cheesiest adaptation of Le Guin you could imagine, rendering her stories into sword-and-sorcery cliches and little more than wannabe ''Harry Potter" and ''Lord of the Rings" tales.
This production from the creator-king of bloated miniseries, Robert Halmi Sr., is the kind of foundation on which spoofs such as ''Monty Python and the Holy Grail" and ''The Princess Bride" are built. It's so ridden with cardboard sincerity, it's just begging to be mocked and ridiculed. There are moments, particularly when Ged's father opens his mouth, when you may wonder how actors go about stifling their giggles during the filming of a scene. Fortunately, we don't need to follow their example.
Essentially, the miniseries tracks the coming of age of Ged (Shawn Ashmore), a bratty wizard who needs to learn how to handle his magical powers so he can save Earthsea from the demonic Nameless Ones. Danny Glover plays his mentor (although even he's not mentor enough to transform Ashmore from wood into flesh and blood), and Kristin Kreuk from ''Smallville" plays the girl of Ged's visions. They're all good guys, as opposed to the bad guys, each of whom seems to have ''I Hate Puppies" stenciled on his or her forehead.
King Tygath (Sebastian Roche) is the villain who wants to control Earthsea with the help of the Nameless Ones, who've been locked away and guarded by Rossellini's priestess. When he's not having great sex with his paramour, Kossil (Jennifer Calvert), he's throwing monomaniacal grins and yelling, ''All of Earthsea shall be ours!" and ''To control life, that is the greatest power of all!" He doesn't follow up his declarations with an evil ''ah-ha-ha-ha-ha" processed through heavy reverb, but the effect is there nonetheless.
Calvert's Kossil, meanwhile, can't cast a glance without reminding us that she's up to no good, poisoning the high priestess so she can free the Nameless Ones for her lover. If only she could also help to free the Campy Ones, those creative creatures who could push this miniseries into something intentionally entertaining.
Matthew Gilbert can be reached at gilbert@globe.com.
