Uncertain feelings lead to a kiss
Dear Beth:
I'm 16 and have these two really good guy friends. I recently found out they both like me as more than a friend. I wasn't sure what to do, so I didn't do anything. I just kind of flirted with both and let things go. Sometimes I feel like I like one of them, and other times I don't. The other guy I used to think I liked but I recently figured I don't because he kissed me, and I kissed him back to see if anything was there. It definitely wasn't. Feeling guilty, I told the other guy, who really, really likes me.
Was I wrong to kiss the other boy knowing this one had feelings for me even though I don't have any commitments to either? WANTS ANSWERS
It wasn't wrong. You don't have a commitment to either of them. It just isn't the most direct way to find out your feelings.
It's kind of putting the cart before the horse. If you wait until you know you like someone a lot and really feel attracted to him, then kissing is an incredible experience.
As you found out, if you don't feel that way, it's often lips on lips without much feeling.
Your relationship with these two guys has become a triangle: Each guy is trying to get you to like him, and this forces you to go back and forth between them and in your feelings, too. As you get to see and know certain things about one, you really like him, and then later on it happens with the other.
It makes you feel anxious because you like them both and don't want to hurt them.
I think you like ''the other boy" like a friend a lot of the time, and then once in a while you like him more than that. This happens a lot and is completely normal. You don't have to feel that you should force yourself to like him more than you do.
It's unsettling to have your feelings change for someone, and it's tempting to try to push yourself to resolve it, but you can't make yourself feel differently.
I think it might help to branch out and spend more time with other people -- girls and boys -- to ease the pressure of ''deciding" exactly how you feel for this guy.
Dear Beth:
Your December column about abstinence-only education hits the nail on the head, and I think both sides have some very important points to make.
One area I think both sides miss (and that I've rarely seen in dialogues regarding sex-ed) is the cost of failure. We can talk about pregnancy rates and STD rates until we're blue in the face, but without driving home the consequences of those failures, many teens will not care until it is too late to turn back.
The 15- and 16-year-olds who may want to experiment need to know that an ''oops" can -- and frequently does -- result in a lifetime of lost opportunities, the end of educational and career goals, the need to provide financial support for a child, marriages that are going to struggle and fail, and so on.
In the case of STDs, the consequence can even be death. Kids need to know what the odds are, but they also need to know what they are betting. They are literally ''betting their lives."
TAD WIMMER
Editor, Right at Home,The Journal of the Utah Home Education Association
Good point. Good comprehensive sex education should do just that.
Beth can be reached at askbeth@globe.com.
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