No to Taylor

If you saw Taylor Hicks performing in a bar on your Caribbean vacation, you would probably be pleasantly surprised by the B-plus quality of his blue-eyed soul rasp and mildly amused by his spastic gyrations and rhythm-impaired dance moves.

Especially if you'd had a couple of cocktails.

And weren't looking directly at him.

But let's say you paid good money to see Hicks perform almost anywhere else. You'd probably have trouble remembering exactly what you thought was so special about this whinnying, gray-haired wanna-Doobie with the lights-on-nobody-home smile.

You might be tempted to actually do what many `` American Idol" watchers have dreamed of doing for weeks: reach out , smack him, and yell ``Stand up straight!" (OK, maybe that's just me.)

Hicks is probably a swell guy. But his Joe Cocker spaniel shtick -- gruff yet eager -- started to wear thin somewhere around the time he let loose with his 650,000th ``Whoo!" and professed his love for Elton John and Bernie Taupin's ``Levon" because it ``possesses family values."

Plus, it's been irritating to watch the producers and judges more or less hand the competition to the guy by serving up on a silver platter themes like Elvis Presley songs while granting no such favors to almost any other contestant.

Considering Katharine McPhee's weaknesses, a legendary record man like Clive Davis thought that R. Kelly's big bucket of treacle ``I Believe I Can Fly" would be a good choice for her? Really? And Journey's execrable prom ballad ``Open Arms" for the adorable yet doomed Elliott Yamin? If that wasn't intentional sabotage of one of the best, most genuinely soulful singers this competition has ever seen, then I don't know what is.

Hicks will probably win, but in this lesser - of - two - adequates competition I'm going with McPhee.

For starters, she'd be the first ``Idol" not to hail from the South. She went to Boston Conservatory, and they can't say enough nice things about her. When she's not giggling but really focusing on the material, she has lovely phrasing and feel. She doesn't have the annoying tics of Hicks. And I wouldn't mind checking her out in a musical where a director could keep her erratic melisma in check.

I may not have full-blown McPheever, but Katharine has the cure for my Taylor-made blues. The leader of the Soul Patrol is ready to be relieved of duty.

Sarah Rodman can be reached at srodman@globe.com.