Man bites dog food

Since his memorable stint as dad Tom Bradford on the '70s TV show ``Eight Is Enough," Dick Van Patten has popped up periodically on the small screen. In recent years he's appeared on episodes of ``Arrested Development," ``7th Heaven," and Jimmy Kimmel's late-night talk show. (Inexplicably, Van Patten is good buddies with Kimmel, and he was on the show again Wednesday.) But acting isn't Van Patten's only gig. The guy's also got a successful line of dog food called Dick Van Patten's Natural Balance, which he says is so tasty and nutritious that he eats it himself. Arf! The 77-year-old actor's commitment to canines has not gone unnoticed by the organizers of Dine With Your Dog Day, who've asked Dick to be the national spokesman for the Oct. 21 event.

Q. Now, Dick, you don't really eat dog food, do you?
A. Oh, yes, my dog food is very good and tasty.

Q. Tasty?
A. There are no byproducts -- no corn, no soy, no white rice.

Q. What's wrong with corn and soy and white rice? I eat all those things.
A. There aren't a lot of vitamins or minerals, and dogs need vitamins and minerals. And those things don't help with allergies, and a lot of dogs have allergies.

Q. Do you have a dog, Dick?
A. I have a mixed breed named Coco.

Q. Hey, we have a centerfielder named Coco.
A. That's right, you do. I've had dogs all my life. When I was 7, I had a Dalmatian named Skippy. Did you know that a lot of Dalmatians are deaf?

Q. No, I didn't. You say your food is ``zoo quality." What does that mean exactly?
A. We feed the lions, tigers, and birds of prey at all the major zoos, including the San Diego Zoo and the Bronx Zoo. We're not at the Franklin Park Zoo, but we're working on it.

Q. Tell me about Dine With Your Dog Day. Are you going to eat dinner with Coco?
A. Oh, yes. It's going to be a wonderful day.

Q. Now, Dick, you sent me a huge basket of dog food. I've got Southern Style Dumplins With Gravy, Chinese Take-Out With Sauce, and Irish Stew. Which one should I eat?
A. Oh, I wish you would try it. I like the Irish stew. It's got beef. It's very tasty. The Hobo Chili is good, too. A lot of people complain that we kill hobos to make our chili, and I tell them we use hobos that are already dead.

Q. You still got it, Dick.
A. Thanks.

MARK SHANAHAN